Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way
“It doesn’t have to change anything, James.”
Regulus is tired and resigned, and he’s fighting oh so hard to keep his voice blank.
He already knows that it will.
James was never going to stay once he saw the mark.
It was never going to go any other way.
Still, Regulus feels like he has to go through the motions, even now, for the boy that he loved.
He owes James that much.
Even if love wasn’t enough.
And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing, I don't know
So take your gloves and get out
Better get out
While you can
“For Merlin’s sake, Regulus, I don’t know what you want me to say. That I forgive you? That I understand? Because I don’t, Reg. I really don’t fucking understand.”
James is shaking.
Regulus is looking at him like he’s a stranger, mask fully up.
His sleeve is still pushed up, the ugly hateful mark, stark black against the pale skin of his forearm.
James had caressed that forearm.
That arm had once held him close.
Once been a weight to ground him.
Now forever scarred.
James wants to be held, even just one more time by Regulus. But if he has to feel that tattoo, that mark of betrayal, he knows it will sear him even worse than any flame.
James had thought he was getting through to him.
Had thought he’d changed Regulus’s mind.
Guess not.
When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday
“I figured you wouldn’t. I just wanted to extend the courtesy of telling you myself. Better to hear from me than from the Prophet or Sirius.”
Regulus could have walked away without a word.
That would have been easier.
Or it would have been easier for him at least.
If he had just disappeared, Regulus could have saved himself from the heartbroken expression on James face. Could have pretended that James was fine, that Regulus never mattered that much to James anyway. It would have hurt, but Regulus could live in the lie.
The truth is, if Regulus disappeared without warning, James would have been distraught, probably would have gotten himself killed trying to find and “save” Regulus. Because that is the kind of person James Potter is.
Regulus can barely live with himself as is. If James died chasing him, if James threw away his life on a lost cause, Regulus would not survive that.
So even though it hurts, Regulus has to do this. He has to watch the love leave James’s eyes.
Except James is still looking at him with the same love as he had the day before. He looks angry, and he’s shaking, but he hasn’t closed off.
Regulus knows that he is evil, or at the very least tainted irreparably by association.
He knows that he is a coward, giving in to his family like this.
He knows that he will commit acts that would make a better man vomit.
But if James can love him still, maybe…
Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you oughta stay
“Fuck your courtesy! I just- was it me? Was I not enough for you, Reg? Just tell me what I should have done – I want you to be safe, to be with me, that’s all I ever wanted and – Reg, forget about us, this is going to kill you – they’re going to get you killed!”
This is one of James’s nightmares come to life.
Regulus
It doesn’t feel real, can’t be real.
James spins in a whirlwind of anxiety, every fear that kept him awake at night, every insecurity he tried so hard to push down.
Regulus used to be the person that reassured him, that made his insecurities fade.
Regulus loved him.
So why, why, why?
Why would he choose this?
Why couldn’t he choose me? James thinks desperately
And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up
Better get up
While you can
“Don’t do this, James. There’s nothing to be done. Pull yourself together. Either you’re in this with me, and you stay… or you’re against me, and you leave. It’s that simple.”
Regulus can feel his resolve shaking.
James looks awful and Regulus is the reason why and he hates himself for it.
He wants to go to James.
He wants to tell James that he’s changed his mind, that he’ll go with him.
He wants to pull James close, rock him until his worries are calmed.
But what’s done is done.
And James is partly right.
They might get him killed.
But if he had left, not only would they have killed him, but they would’ve killed James and Sirius too, and probably Pandora for good measure.
But James… James could join him. That is a possibility. Even if James is too good to ever let himself get tainted like that, for Regulus-
Could he – could he stay for Regulus?
Even if Regulus doesn’t deserve it?
When you go
And would you even turn to say
I don't love you
Like I did
Yesterday
Well come on, come on
“Regulus, I’ve always been in this with you, but I won’t watch you – please, come with me. Give this up, please, I’m begging. It’s not you, it just isn’t.”
What happened to the sweet boy James fell in love with?
What happened to the boy who never smiled except at small children and animals, and occasionally James if he was feeling especially affectionate?
What happened to the boy who was curious about everything, who stood up for the rights of house elves, for Merlin’s sake?
How could that boy – ?
Please come with me.
We can be like we always were.
When you go
Would you have the guts to say
I don't love you
Like I loved you yesterday
“Don’t you get it, James? Don’t you hear what I’m telling you? This is me! And I love you but –”
This is who I have to be. This is what I have to do. Please see I do not have a choice in this.
Please love me.
Please stay.
We can be like we always were.
Regulus does not say.
I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday
“If you love me, then why would you choose this? I can’t be with you, I can’t love you, if you’re choosing this, Regulus.”
I love you, but, he said.
Why is James never enough for the people that he loves?
I don't love you
LikeIlovedyou
Yesterday
“Well then I guess this is it then.”
It is the hope that hurts worse than anything.
Regulus will never love again.