Regulus stares out the window of the passenger seat as he states, “You didn’t tell me where we’re going.”
“I know. I wanted to surprise you…” James lightly replies.
“I hate surprises, you know that.”
“Well, it is my birthday, so I get to make the plans.”
This year James was insistent on choosing what they do for his birthday. It’s not even a significant one, he’s turning 27. A seemingly meaningless birthday. Except, it’s technically his ‘golden birthday’, a concept that Regulus thinks is utterly ridiculous. Just because the age he’s turning is the same day of the month he was born on, doesn’t make it a more special birthday than any other. Despite not caring at all about it, he does care a lot about making sure James has a good birthday. And he has plans. Big plans.
Absent-mindedly, he fidgets with the small box that sits in his front pocket. “What if I planned something for you and you're derailing all of my plans…”
“Did you?”
James has no idea of the plans that Regulus made. He is planning his own day of things he likes to do. There is a blanket and a bag of food in the back seat, leading Regulus to believe they are having some sort of picnic. It’s no secret that James is perfectly happy just spending the day with him. For this Regulus is grateful, because his plans can be adapted for any situation James could think up for them. He just has to wait for the right moment.
He always thought he would be nervous about this, but he isn’t. There is not a doubt in his mind that it will all go according to plan. Maybe a year ago or a few months ago, or even a few weeks ago, he would have been, and was, incredibly anxious. Now that the day is here, he’s more than ready. James is too, though he doesn’t know what’s coming. He is simply driving with his boyfriend to their favorite spot overlooking the city to spend his birthday together.
He doesn’t know about the question he will be asked, or about the surprise their friends have planned for after. Regardless, he knows that he’s happy today and nothing can ruin that.
“I always have a plan.” Regulus retorts. “Don’t worry, whatever you want to do today won’t mess up my plans.” He adds when he sees James’ smile fade, which quickly brings it back.
“I love you, you know.” He smiles. The first time he said I love you, his heart raced at an uneven pace. Now, it beats perfectly in time with Regulus’, and it couldn’t feel more perfect.
Regulus can’t hide the smile that instantly forms, and he wouldn’t want to anyway. No one can make him smile as much as James can and there’s no reason to hide that. He used to, but everyone knows at this point how helplessly in love with James he is. Nothing could stop that from being evident. The thing is, he doesn’t care. Showing emotions so freely like that used to terrify him. Now it feels so normal, so right.
“You, James, are ridiculous.” He laughs as they approach a stop sign. “I love you.”
Quickly, but gently, James leans over the center console to place a soft kiss on Regulus’ mouth. In all honesty, kissing at stop signs is not the best idea. It’s become quite the bad habit for the two. Even after years together, it’s hard to not kiss each other whenever they have the opportunity. Any moment could be their last. So, kisses at stop signs, saying ‘I love you’ in every conversation, holding hands as they walk, and doing absolutely anything to make the most of every moment they have is important.
It’s a good thing they did all that.
Just as James looks back at the road, before he could even think to take his foot off the brake, a car comes out of nowhere. As it turns, it crashes into the driver’s side of the car. The glass from the window and windshield shatter, a few pieces striking James across the face and one landing at the base of his neck along his collarbone. He slams forward into the steering wheel, his arm getting slammed hard. The pain is excruciating, and then it feels numb. As he begins to slip from consciousness, Regulus grips onto his hand that didn’t get crushed.
James squeezes three times to say ‘I love you’.
Regulus understands.
The car that hit them drove away almost immediately. As quickly as the car appeared, it was gone again. Even though Regulus is conscious, everything is fuzzy. Half of his brain is in shock trying to make sure he is okay, and the other half is worried about James. He doesn’t let go of James’ hand. With his other hand he grips the small box tightly.
It’s unclear to him how the paramedics were called to the scene, or how long it takes them to arrive, but they do. It’s at this point that Regulus is forced to let go of James’ hand and it nearly breaks him. When he is holding on, he feels tethered. He feels like nothing can happen because he is holding onto him. Nothing bad could happen to James, just as long as he is there. He is not given much of a choice when they are put into an ambulance. Luckily they are permitted to ride together because Regulus is not on a stretcher.
The paramedics quickly get to work assessing the both of them. Regulus is asked a few questions about what happened, but he isn’t entirely sure. He does his best to answer. They quickly assess that Regulus is not in need of immediate care, while James clearly is. There are fractured bones and shards of glass that need to be dealt with.
James will be okay.
He will be fine.
He has to be. Regulus can’t see any other way. James has to be okay. They have a life to live. And he can’t die on his birthday, that would simply suck. No other way to put it.
“He’s going to be okay. He’s going to be okay. He’s going to be okay.” Regulus repeats like a mantra the entire ride to the hospital.
One of the paramedics breaks him out of the trance he was in. “We are doing everything we can. Are you sure that you are okay?”
“I- the car… It hit his side. He’s going to be okay. He has to be okay. I- I was going to-” He can’t finish the thought. Instead he reaches for the box in his pocket again. James will be okay and he will be able to ask him. “He’s going to be okay.”
As they arrive at the hospital, the paramedics start calling for what Regulus thinks are the other doctors that will be needed for James. He tries to stay quiet to allow them to keep assessing James’ injuries. No matter how quiet he is physically, his mind doesn’t quiet for even a second. Every possible bad outcome comes knocking on the door to his mind. He won’t let them in.
There’s only one way this can go.
James has to be okay.
“Sir, we are taking him straight to surgery. You can go to the waiting room and the doctor’s will give you updates whenever they can.” Someone says to him as he is escorted into the hospital.
“Is- I- He’s going to be okay. Can.. can you tell me what- what the surgery is. I… He’s going to be okay. Right?” He stumbles through every word.
“He sustained multiple bone fractures that need immediate attention. A piece of glass has also been lodged in, or extremely close to his carotid artery. They are going to get a CT scan to determine what they need to do during surgery.” All he can do is nod. If he asked for any more information, it would all go over his head. He isn’t able to think clearly now, but even if he could, the medical terms would make no sense.
First he tries sitting in the waiting room. It’s unsuccessful. He can’t stay still knowing that James is lying on an operating table. So, he starts to pace. It doesn’t take long for a nurse to come over and attempt to comfort him, or calm him down, or both. At this point he walks over to the window to look out at what was meant to be a beautiful day. It’s still nice outside, the picnic and whatever else James had planned would have been lovely.
It would have been the perfect day to propose.
He decides right now that he still can, and will. As soon as James is out of surgery and awake, he’s going to ask. It already took him so many months of picking out a ring and deciding when to ask. In the beginning he was overthinking everything, but now he can’t. From now on he won’t overthink anything with James, that will only take away from their time together. Today felt right to ask, so he will. Simple as that. Maybe it’s not ideal to propose while James is in the hospital, but neither of them will care. Eventually James will find it funny. Sirius will no doubt think it’s hilarious after he recovers from his best friend and brother having been hit by a car.
Sirius .
He has to call Sirius. Along with some of their other friends, Sirius should be setting up the surprise engagement party they were meant to have tonight. Obviously, that will likely get pushed off. Just because the proposal can happen today after James’ surgery, doesn’t mean that the party can happen.
He’s going to be okay. He’s going to be okay.
The more times he tells himself that, the harder it gets to believe. Aren’t affirmations supposed to help you believe what you’re saying more? They are having the opposite effect for Regulus. The only outcome he can accept is that James is okay. Yet still, the impossible and horrible ideas break their way through. That doesn’t mean that every other possible scenario isn’t racing through his mind, because they are. James could only partially recover. James could end up in a coma. James could wake up fine, and die from a post-op complication. James could die.
James could die.
His breathing gets heavy and the tears flood his eyes before he can stop them. He has to pull out his phone and call Sirius. If James could be dying, Sirius has to be here. He would never forgive Regulus if he wasn’t here, if he didn’t know. However Regulus is feeling, Sirius would be feeling the same way. Neither of them can lose James. It’s just not an option. With shaky fingers, he calls Sirius.
“So? He said yes right?? Regulus?!” The voice on the other end is shrill and excited. Oh. Right. The call Sirius was expecting around this time was supposed to be about the engagement.
The phone drops from his hand and a nurse rushes over. “Sir? Mr. Black? Are you alright?”
Quickly, he nods to the nurse. He has to keep it together. The only choice he has right now is to pick up the phone and tell Sirius. Such an easy task that takes everything in him. “Sirius, I have to tell you something.” His voice comes out shakier than it ever has before.
“Don’t tell me he said no. I wouldn’t believe you, even if you did.”
“James is-” His voice comes out choked. “In the hospital. I didn’t get to ask…”
The line goes quiet for a moment. “I’ll be there in 30 minutes. 20 if I don’t stop at any stop signs.” Sirius says before hanging up and likely sprinting to find his keys. The phone remains in his shaky hand. He’s going to be okay. The comfort in that thought has passed and turned into fear. Will he be okay?
Slowly, like clouds gathering into a storm, the panic builds. He can’t live without James. There would be no happiness without him. The sun would never shine again because his sun would be gone. Every day would be dark. He would be stuck in the storm. No, he won’t accept that to be their fate.
He’s going to be okay. James will be okay.
⋆⋆⋆
It’s not until it’s far too late that anyone realizes that Regulus needed help. It takes him collapsing to the ground unconscious for any doctor to check him out. Everyone thought that he was physically fine. The way he acted made sense for someone whose boyfriend was badly injured. The panicking, the weakness, the blurred vision. It all made sense. No one questioned it.
Why didn’t anyone question it?
Ten minutes after getting off the phone with his brother, Regulus is pronounced dead.
By the time a doctor had him in a bed in the emergency room, it was already too late. If he had gotten a CT scan when he first arrived at the hospital, maybe he would be okay. Except, no scans were done. No tests were done. Nearly no questions were asked. By anyone. No one caught the bleeding in his brain. No one knew he needed help.
No one saved Regulus Black.
⋆⋆⋆
Fifteen minutes go by before the doors to the hospital slam open. Sirius runs in, head whipping around trying to catch sight of his brother. “Regulus?” He yells into an empty waiting room.
“Sir, calm down. Let me help you find who you’re looking for.” A very sweet nurse approaches him.
“My brother, Regulus Black, called me. He and his boyfriend were hurt. James Potter. He -”
She nods. “Alright. Let me see. Mr. Potter is in surgery and should be brought to a room very soon. He is stable and should make a full recovery.” Sirius listens and starts to breathe more regularly knowing that James is okay. He’s okay. As quick as the good news is delivered, the tone shifts just as quickly. “Mr. Black? I think you should have a seat.”
“No, I- I’ll stand. Just- can you help me find my brother? He’ll want the update about James. Could he and I go wait in the room they’ll be bringing James to?” He can’t figure out why the nurse is looking at him like this. She just delivered good news, it’s a good thing that James is stable. He’s okay.
Moments before the world comes crashing down, everything is fine. That’s how it always happens. Less than an hour ago Sirius was setting up a surprise engagement and birthday party. Everything was exactly as it should be. Then Regulus called. Now it’s better again. James is okay. They made it through the storm. Except that’s the thing about storms, when you think you’ve made it through, you haven't. It’s the eye of the storm. A moment of peace before the winds take everything full force again. A false sense of security.
A false sense of hope.
“Sir, your brother… His injuries were more extensive than his boyfriend’s.”
“He sounded fine on the phone. Wh- what do you mean?” The words start to get caught in his throat.
“There was a bleed in his brain. I’m very sorry. He died about ten minutes ago.”
Regulus.
No.
No.
No.
Regulus can’t be dead. He was just on the phone with him. He was supposed to propose to James today. It was meant to be a happy day. Sirius’ entire world comes crashing down now that his brother isn’t in it.
“I can take you to Mr. Potter’s room now. He was just brought up after surgery. I expect he will wake up shortly.” The nurse offers.
So, he nods and follows. There’s no easy way for him to go on now. He just has to go through the motions. A world without his little brother in it just doesn't make sense. It never will. It simply can’t. When he enters the room and sees James unconscious it hurts. Except it shouldn't because he is alive. James got to live. Not Regulus. James.
There’s a chair set up next to the bed and in it is a bag. At first he doesn't know what it is or why it's there. Then he sees the box. It's a bag of everything Regulus had on him. Sirius grabs the ring box and flips it open and closed, giving himself something to fidget with while he waits for James.
He really should be thinking about all of the people he has to call. He doesn't. All he can think about is how it can't be possible Regulus is actually gone. He's just in another room, he'll be in here soon. He is going to walk in any minute and sit with him to wait for James to wake up. As soon as James opens his eyes, Regulus would propose. Not waiting another second more. That is what will happen at any moment.
That isn't what happens.
Instead when James opens his eyes, he searches for Regulus. It doesn't make sense to him that Regulus isn't waiting for him. The two lock eyes and that's when Sirius breaks again. James spots the ring box and his eyes go wide.
“Sirius? What- what are you holding?” His voice is raw.
“Regulus- er… He- I mean-” The words don’t come to him. How is he supposed to tell James that Regulus is dead? How is he supposed to tell anyone? Unable to put the words together, Sirius places the box in James’ hand.
“A ring?”
Sirius nods.
The shock of the ring takes a backseat in his mind. He has to know where Regulus is. “Where’s Reg? We- A car crashed into us. I- is he okay?”
“James, he- Regulus di-”
“No. No, no, no. He- no. He didn’t. You're wrong. You- No.” His breathing becomes erratic and the monitors start beeping out of rhythm.
No. Regulus can’t be dead. He is fine. A second ago they were just sitting at a stop sign kissing. A second ago they were on their way to their favorite park for a picnic. A second ago, Regulus apparently had an engagement ring in his pocket and was going to propose. It just can't be possible that he is just gone .
“James…”
“Sirius, shut up! No. He’s fine.” He knows he isn’t. The tears start before he can finish talking. “He can’t be. He just can’t…”
He knows Regulus is dead. He can feel it. There is an emptiness in his chest that he knows is not from any of the injuries he sustained. It's in his heart. It's in his soul. Part of him is gone, never to return.
The ring box weighs heavy in his hand. Against his better judgment, he opens it and slips the ring onto his finger. It's the best birthday present he's ever received. Except only technically. Regulus never got to give it to him.
“James?” Sirius tries again, softer this time. James doesn’t answer. He can’t.
How is he supposed to move on without Regulus?
Sirius may be the brightest star in the night sky, but Regulus was always the brightest star on Earth.
Except now Regulus exists only in the sky.
He is never going to get Regulus back and it’s his fault. If he hadn't leaned over to kiss him at the stop sign, they would be engaged right now. Regulus is gone and he can’t do anything about it. The hurt in Sirius’ eyes only breaks him more. Those grey eyes that both brothers have, the same ones he would get lost in, now reflect back at him in pain. There's an emptiness about them that was never there before. An emptiness that will likely be there forever now.
⋆⋆⋆
Two days later James is released from the hospital. 5 days after that is the funeral.
James assumed that Sirius planned it all. He was told when and where it was, and that he could speak if he wanted to. All over text. Neither Sirius nor James made the first move to see each other after he came home from the hospital. Remus or Lily or Marlene would stop by at least once a day. He has no idea how much time passes between each of the visits. It wouldn't matter. He hasn’t moved from the bed.
The entire time he’s been sitting on Regulus’ side of the bed, staring into space. Trying to will his boyfriend, no, fiancé, to come back to him. If he focuses hard enough, he thinks he can get him back.
It hasn’t worked yet.
Sirius left the hospital and decided he couldn't bear to see James. He was the one driving when they got into the accident, he is the reason the doctors didn't run any tests on Regulus. He is the reason Sirius didn't get to at least say goodbye.
Remus takes care of him. Making sure he eats, though it's a good day if he eats one full meal. Remus talks to him, even when he doesn't respond. It just doesn't feel right for him to carry on living while Regulus can't. It's not fair. His little brother deserved to live out his life. And that was taken from him.
Barty and Evan lock themselves in their flat. No one comes and neither of them leave. From the second they got the call from James where he couldn't even say what happened, but the message was received, they have barely spoken. Not even to each other. Barty grabbed a bottle and they passed it back and forth until they couldn't see straight.
That first night without him was when they were meant to make fun of Regulus for how soppy he was in proposing to James. They were ready to celebrate and laugh and joke. To dance around and drink to the milestone. Instead they silently sobbed and drowned in alcohol.
Regulus wouldn't want any of this.
No one is handling it well. If they came together to support each other, to live in his memory, maybe they could make it. They need to lean on each other, to be there for each other, to remind each other of all that Regulus brought to their lives.
Regulus never thought that he was worth much. He could never figure out why any of them would choose to have him in their lives. However many times he wondered that, they could all reassure him twice as many times. Barty and Evan have never known a better friend than Regulus. James would never love anyone like he loves Regulus. Sirius couldn't dream up a better brother than his Reggie, even if he would never admit it. Now he wishes he had.
None of the four know how they arrive at the funeral. They all have a few minutes to speak. No eulogies were written ahead of time. The service starts, but they all sit staring at the casket. Regulus can't be in there. He can't be dead. All of them are in agreement there. It just doesn't feel real.
“It's time.” Remus nudges Sirius.
In sync, the four of them stand and walk in front of the crowd. The plan was to each talk on their own, but in the moment it just feels right to go together. Sirius steps up to speak first, and for the first time since he was in the hospital, James reaches out to give a hand to his best friend.
It doesn't feel like it used to. It doesn't feel right.
“Thank you all for coming. Regulus, well Regulus would have been surprised you're all here. Even if he never said it, you all meant something to him. He- He's my little brother. I… miss him. He-” The sob that comes out of his throat is a horrible sound. James is there to catch him when his body gives out.
As James tries to steady Sirius, Barty and Evan step forward. It's clear that they haven't fully sobered up for a week. They hang off each other while simultaneously holding each other up. Everyone in the seats in front of them holds their heads down. Seeing the four who are grieving at such extremes is hard to watch. There's nothing anyone could say that would make it okay, so they don't. Everyone has to just watch as they fall apart.
“Evan, wasn't Regulus the best? He was the best. Is still the best. No one is better than him.” Barty slurs.
Evan quickly takes over. “I wish he had talked more. I wish we had more time. Regulus was a star. He hated when we would say that. Thought it was cheesy since his name is a star. But- but a star is the best way to describe him. Oh, and his laugh. It was so soft and he never wanted people to hear it, but it was so lovely. I miss that.” When he can't say anything more without breaking down, he reaches out for James.
He stares out at everyone. The world is blurry and it takes time for his eyes to focus. It's been days since he spoke. He doesn't know what to say and hasn't since losing Regulus. He only wants to talk to Regulus for the rest of time, but he's now the one person he can't talk to. At least not in person.
“I love Regulus. Present tense. I loved him in the past, I love him now, and I will love him until the end of time. He is it for me.” James inhales and feels Sirius squeeze his hand. The last person to do that was Regulus before the car hit them. The thought almost causes him to crack, but he doesn't. Instead he carries on, trying to keep everyone else from breaking down too. “The day he- That day… my birthday, he was going to propose to me. I think most of you knew, maybe I was the last to know. I wish he had done it sooner so I could get to tell him yes. Obviously the answer is yes. Thanks for keeping the secret from me, I uh- well just thank you. For knowing and loving Regulus.”
⋆⋆⋆
Weeks go by and James doesn't talk to anyone. He doesn't deserve to. If it weren't for him, Regulus might still be here. He knows that Sirius blames him, and it's justified. James is the reason his brother is gone. Their friendship is fractured and there is no straight path forward to healing. Remus thinks they should talk, but they don't have the energy.
Neither is able to move from bed more than once a day. They both get up around the same time each night and sit on their respective roofs. Without knowing the other is doing the same, they talk to Regulus up in the sky. They tell him how much they miss him. How much they love him. How much better it would be if he were still here.
James screams at the sky. James apologizes. He apologizes to Regulus for failing him, for allowing him to die, for being the one to live. James cries out to the sky for taking his star instead of him.
Sirius screams at the sky. He blames James for the loss. He cries over not getting to say goodbye. He cries over the doctors focusing on James rather than Regulus. Then he screams at himself for wishing his best friend had been the one to die.
Anything would be better than losing Regulus.
⋆⋆⋆
A month after, Remus forces them to talk. They should be leaning on each other, they should be taking comfort in each other. Ever since they have known each other, being together was second nature. They were joined at the hip for years.
Now they haven't looked each other in the eye in a month. Now they don’t breathe in sync. Now they can't anticipate the other’s movements. Now they couldn't be farther apart, even when sitting in the same room. The missing link between them is up in space, never to return.
“You can’t ignore each other forever. I won’t let you. I’ll be in the other room if you need anything.” Remus leaves them to talk.
Sirius looks up first. The man in front of him feels and looks like a stranger. His James, the best friend he has ever had, is not the one who looks back up at him. James looks at Sirius, but only sees every way in which he is similar to Regulus, and then he picks out all of the differences. The eyes he hasn’t dared meet in a month are hollow. They no longer have any life in them.
“So…” James has never been nervous to talk to Sirius until now.
“No. I- I can’t do this. I can’t talk to you as if you aren’t the reason he died. You may be my best friend, but he is my little brother.” It comes out harsh, and James doesn’t blame him.
He’s right.
“I know.”
“You weren’t dying, but the doctors all gave you attention. Regulus just needed one person to check on him and no one did. If they had, we wouldn’t have lost him. I would still have my little brother.”
All of this, James had already thought. He blames himself, but hearing that Sirius, his best friend, blames him too, hurts. It hurts more than he was ready for. He doesn’t know what he could have done differently, but something, anything, could have changed the outcome. He would give anything to have Regulus here.
“Sirius, I know. Stop fucking yelling at me. I miss him too. He’s your little brother, but he’s my fiancé. You’re not the only one who is fucking grieving. Are you that selfish that you can’t see that I’m in pain too? Even in the hospital you didn’t bother to care about if I recovered. You wouldn’t even look at me.”
It catches him off guard. James is never one to raise his voice for any reason other than excitement. “You didn’t actually get engaged.” He bites back, knowing exactly how to make it hurt.
“Fuck you.” James says as his voice cracks and the tears spill through. “He’s gone and I don’t know what to do. I can’t do anything without him. Nothing feels right.”
“Maybe you should have thought about that before you got into an accident.” Sirius says with no emotion showing through. He slams the door behind him, leaving James to break down on his own once again.
⋆⋆⋆
Each day James checks his phone.
Each day Sirius doesn’t text him.
There are countless unopened texts on his phone from everyone else in his life. He hasn’t responded to anyone in weeks. It doesn’t make sense, but he can’t bring himself to talk to anyone if Sirius still isn’t talking to him. No matter how many calls and texts he receives from anyone else in his life, he won’t answer.
Time keeps going, but James remains stuck. Each day he sits and stares at his phone waiting for a notification from Sirius. He sits and plays with the ring on his finger. He doesn’t let himself think of the life they don’t get to live. He doesn’t let himself pine after all of the empty possibilities.
He feels like he’s floating out at sea, with no land in sight. If he looks up, he can see a guiding star in the night sky, pulling him home. He can’t get to it, but at least it’s there. His star is watching over him and brightening the darkest nights.
As the weeks go on, James slowly stops ignoring everyone. It’s no way to live, and Regulus would want him to have people around him. The first to hear from him are Barty and Evan. Within an hour they are over at his flat and reminiscing about Regulus over a bottle of tequila and a joint. Each of them has stories and pieces of Regulus that they can share. Little stories and memories and moments that help them to make up the entire picture of him. It helps him to remain clear in his mind.
They don’t want to forget him.
The next to hear from James is Remus. He wasn’t first because of Sirius. They all know that Sirius has to reach out first, but he won’t. They aren’t sure if he ever will. Remus gets James out of the flat. They walk around the neighborhood, barely talking. All James wants to do is ask how Sirius is, but he can’t. Remus promises to come by everyday, but realistically knows once a week is more likely. Even their friendship feels fractured.
Everyone else slowly gets responses from James. He does his best to talk to at least one person each day. It keeps him from secluding himself again. Eventually he thinks he will be able to trick himself into being okay. Time keeps on going. James feels farther and farther away from when he last saw Regulus, but doesn’t feel any closer to when he will see him again. He just wants to see him again.
In the blink of an eye it’s James’ birthday again. A year gone. His birthday, their would have been engagement anniversary, his death anniversary. The day is heavy and James wishes he could skip it entirely. Instead he sits by the phone hoping for a call or a text. A year later, surely Sirius would reach out. Even just to wish him a happy birthday.
At his flat, Sirius stares at his phone. His friends have texted that they are thinking of him. Obviously it’s a hard day. He thought that it would take a lot of strength to refrain from texting James, but it doesn’t. Over the past year, not having James has gotten easier. All it took was a few reminders that he isn’t just his best friend James, he’s the reason Regulus died.
With Regulus gone, they both live half lives. The only way they could survive Regulus dying is with the help of each other. It’s a shame that Regulus dying drove them apart.
Sirius never did forgive James.
James never did forgive himself.