nights like these
James. James is here.
Fuck, this can't be happening. It can't, it can't, it can't.
But he's taken a step forward and Regulus' first instinct is to just- book it. Just run, and get the fuck out.
He grabs Harry, fumbling with the buckle of the kid's seat. He carefully steps out of the mess of jelly and blood thats slipped down his ankle, and basically sprints out of the store, doing his best to avoid the few other shoppers.
Pandora will understand, right? Yeah, he'll come back to the store tomorrow or something. Maybe he can convince Pandora to go instead, say he's feeling sick, or-
"Rose?"
Regulus stops halfway in the parking lot, nearly to his car. He hasn't heard the nickname since he last saw James, told him he was pregnant. It seems so silly to think that a nickname has so much power over him, but it does.
Harry isn't crying anymore, he looks fairly calm, just droopy-eyed and tired. His head is resting on Reg's shoulder, tucked into the crook of his neck. He turns, slowly, and James is right in his face by the time he does.
He looks the same as when Regulus left, just a bit grown up. He looks tired, worn down, but he's still got the same energy he's always had. Damn James and his whole being born a boy thing, because Regulus has to look up to look him in the eye.
"James."
"Oh my god."
James leans down at the same moment Regulus stands on his tip toes, and they're- kissing?
They're kissing and James' hand is in his hair and Regulus' hand not supporting Harry goes straight for his cheek. James is absolutely not shy about missing Regulus, apparently, shoving them as close together as they can, what with a toddler in between them.
He's panting by the time they break away, and James rams his finger into Regulus' chest.
"You fucking died, and here you are, in some supermarket, with a fucking kid?! Is it mine? Is he mine or did you go and fuck some–"
"Died?" Regulus scoffs, stepping firmly away from him. A few people are looking at them, and he doesn't blame any of them. It's quite a sight.
"I didn't die, James. I've been here for the last, what, two or three years." He rubs his hands along Harry's back when he gets a bit fussy, and James' eyes snap to him.
"He's mine?"
"Yeah, he's yours. You can do math, James, he just turned two."
"Just turned-" James wheezes, taking a gasping breath. He looks like he's about to cry. "When's his birthday?"
"Is this necessary?"
"When?"
Regulus sighs. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He feels like he doesn't owe James shit. He wasn't there to help with Harry, with anything the past two years. He also wasn't given the chance to be. Maybe he does owe a bit.
"Halloween."
"Hallo- Halloween?!" James wheezes again, doing weird hand motions. He turns, walks away three steps, then turns right back around. He rests his palms on his knees, lowering himself a bit to Harry's height, and nods at him.
"Can I hold him?"
"I- no. No, you can’t."
"I'm his dad!"
"So am I!"
James frowned, standing up straight. He eyed Reg, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. "You are, aren't you?" He mumbled, looking at him a bit awkwardly.
"What's your name?"
Regulus blinked. He can't say he was expecting that, honestly. James had always been less of a dick than the students at their school, who hurled slurs at kids who had just a bit too long hair for a girl or too short for a boy. Regulus had no idea how James would react to him specifically, not that he’d ever especially planned on telling him in the first place.
He's been silent too long, and James is looking at him with a weird mix of disbelief and hurt. It's confusing, because it couldn't have been that surprising, right?
"Regulus. Or Reg, I don't really care." He shrugged. He leaned his head back a bit to look at Harry's face, mostly to not have to look at James, and realized he just- fell asleep on his shoulder. "Don't call me Reggie and you'll be fine."
"Got it, Reggie." James grins, reaching forward and tapping him on the nose. He groans, smacking his hand away.
"Listen. Nice to see you, but you aren't getting involved with Harry, okay? And you sure as fuck aren't telling Sirius that I'm here."
James splutters, makes a few odd noises, then is back to jabbing his finger in Regulus' chest.
"One, fuck you."
"Been there, done that."
James glares at him but keeps going. He seems a bit determined, and James always does or says whatever he's put his mind to. Regulus always liked that, that James didn't back down easily, but now it's a bit against his favor. Which he doesn't appreciate.
"You fucking faked a death, Reggie." Regulus opens his mouth but James forces on, glaring at him. Regulus isn't sure whether to roll his eyes at the nickname or ask what the fuck he's talking about.
"There's a gravestone for you and everything, there was a fucking funeral and-"
Regulus shushes him, glancing between James and his car. It's getting dark out, and Harry technically needs to be in bed soon. He tells James this and gets a sigh and nod in response.
"I want to know him," James says, in a way that Regulus knows there's no point in arguing. That doesn't mean he's not going to.
"He's two, James. He won't remember you for what, the week you're staying here." He starts walking away, and hears James' feet at the pavement behind him. He turns at his car, nearly bumping into James. Fuck him and his lack of personal space.
"I live here. Go to college here, all that adult stuff." He stuffs his hands into his pockets, and Regulus can’t help but think he looks exactly the same as he did in high school. He always had the stupid Varsity football jacket on, even in the middle of the summer, and couldn’t keep his damn hands out of his hair. Regulus picked it up then and even now he runs his fingers through his hair out of nervousness. James grins and Regulus scowls.
“You-”
“Look,” Regulus sighs. Harry is stirring on his shoulder, never still for long even in sleep, and he just wants to get home, clean up his leg and drop into bed with Harry. He plans on sleeping at least ten hours, then ranting to Pandora until he has to work. Perfect solution.
"He's two. Do you actually want a toddler in your life? It's not like this all the time." He gestures to how he’s asleep on his chest, and James’ gaze does a funny thing like he’s looking at something precious. It makes Regulus’ stomach swoop, remembering that James used to look at him the same way.
“You arent exactly fit to jump into raising a toddler. You know that, right?” James scoffs and tries to speak, but Regulus cuts him off. He’d always hated being interrupted, something that grew out of his parents’ thoughts that he never had anything important to say, so they hadn’t bothered to listen. James cutting him off made something unpleasant twist in his gut, something he didn’t want to feel again.
“Regulus, can I just-”
“Goodbye, James.”
He can’t stand to look at James’ face as he turns, opening the backseat so that he can buckle Harry into the carseat. Regulus nearly smacked James in the face with the door because he wouldn’t back away. He’s still standing too close when he gets into his own seat, trying his best to not glance at James in the rearview mirrors.
- ••
Harry was passed out by the time Regulus shut the car door, and Pandora had came out looking for groceries only to give him a disappointed, amused look. She took Harry from him, telling him to get the first aid and sit on the couch while she puts him to bed.
Pandora finds it absolutely, utterly hilarious that Regulus ran into James at the store. More specifically, that James thought he and Harry were dead. Even more specifically, that someone had accidently faked Regulus’ death for him.
Xe can’t stop laughing while cleaning up his ankle, and she won’t let him go until he explains every bit that happened at the grocer’s. He leaves out the part where he, stupidly, kissed James, but he can tell that she knows he isn’t saying everything. She’s too intuitive, if you ask him. Xe credits it to manifesting and whatever the fuck. Regulus calls it hippie crystal bullshit, and she laughs each time.
It takes roughly thirty minutes for him to tell the whole story, only because Pandora makes him go over it multiple times.
“So, you saw him, ran out, then James claimed you were dead.”
Regulus nodded, and Pandora squints at him. Xe tightens the ACE bandage around his ankle, frowns, and pats his leg. “I’m not getting anything else from you, huh?”
“Nothing else to tell.” He shrugs, and once again can tell that Pandora knows he’s lying. She doesn’t say anything about it though, just gets up and heads to the kitchen. It’s only eight, and he’s not particularly tired either, but mentally drained from his short interaction with James, knowing that Sirius probably knew he was here now.
That’s for another day, really. James might tell Sirius (who’s Regulus fooling, honestly? James has already told him), but there’s no real way for them to find him. He doesn’t have any socials that he actively uses, and doesn’t have his name on anything. According to James, if he looked up his deadname then he’d probably find some sort of death announcement.
Somehow, he managed to accidentally fake his death five states over, and he feels poorly for whoever didn’t get a grave. They didn’t just burry an empty casket, right? Regulus wouldn’t be surprised if they did.
He joins Pandora in the kitchen before heading upstairs to his room, leaving the door open in case Harry wakes up screaming again.
He does. At two am. Like he has every night for the last week, and Regulus ends up bringing Harry back to his room, and he’s out again in ten minutes.
He manages to sleep through the rest of the night, and Regulus carries him back to his own room when he wakes up for classes (six am, because he’s a lunatic and took early classes so he could get the shifts that he likes at the book shop). Pandora is already up, asking him about his ankle and when he gets off from his shift.
“Same as everyday, at eight. Why?”
“No reason,” she hums, cutting the leftover cake from Harry’s party. He’d question it, but this isn’t the first time xe’s eaten sweets for breakfast, nor will it be the last.
“I’ve-”
“I got a date.” Pandora interrupts, her voice slightly higher than usual. Regulus grins at xem, giving her a head tilt as a prompt to continue. She sighs, plates two slices of the sweet red velvet that Harry likes, and brings them over to the table Regulus is sitting at.
“Dorcas. They work at the bakery Harry likes, Confections or something. Their mom owns it.”
“I know who Dorcas is. I thought you had a crush on Marlene, though.”
“I do! But so does Dorcas.” Regulus raises his eyebrow and opens his mouth, but Pandora continues on like xe has already has had enough of his shit. He sighs instead, taking a bite of his cake and wincing at the sweetness.
“And Dorcas wants to make Marlene jealous, or something. And I kind of do, too. What’s the worst that could happen? Dorcas and Marlene date instead. It wouldn’t be a big deal.”
“What if Marlene doesn’t get jealous and dates someone else? Or if she’s already dating someone else?”
Pandora pursed her lips, deflating just a bit before popping right back up. Sometimes, xe reminds Regulus of one of those inflatable clown punching bags. Not that she is punchable, but that she always comes back twice as hard.
“Well, won’t be too much of a loss really. Sure I don’t romantically like Dorcas, but they’re attractive, and making people jealous usually includes kissing. Right?”
“Usually,” Regulus rolls his eyes, but Pandora isn’t listening to him anymore.
“Have you seen Dorcas, Reg? I know you like men but you’ve got to admit…” She trails off wistfully, seemingly lost in thought about Dorcas.
“Not my type.”
“Your type is tall, scrawny men with scars and hip pain.”
Regulus rolls his eyes and pushes away his cake, which Pandora happily pulls towards xem instead. She waves him off, practically shooing him out of the house at this point. He grins, kisses her forehead, and flips her off while the kitchen side door shuts behind him.
He passes by the bakery on the way to the bus stop, and can see Dorcas talking in the back with their mom, and it doesn’t look very pretty. Dorcas nearly knocks over a cake three times while gesturing with their hands, and Ms. Meadowes looks livid. She turns, catches sight of Regulus in the window, and he doesn’t feel like sticking around to learn how upset she actually is. Getting chewed out one time because Harry knocked over a display was enough.
Pandora texts him three times while he’s at class, about math problems she doesn’t understand (like he would?) and Harry breaking a little glass figurine Pandora’s dad gave xem (good riddance). It’s less than her usual amount of at least eight messages before he gets lunch, and he had a relatively good day, so he doesn’t mind as much.
He picks up pizza for lunch and drops it off at the house before going back to campus, and his face gets covered in greasy little finger marks where Harry had decided to pinch his cheeks and scream.
Regulus’ day is normal, after that. He finishes his classes for the day, manages to get half an hour in the studio, and heads to work with paint in his hair and a grin. Remus is about five minutes behind him with his cane, using a hot pink crocheted cover this time. Pandora made it and at least five others for his birthday earlier in the year.
Benjy clocks in around an hour after Remus arrives, but he seems distant and distracted, not waving to them like he normally does.
“What’s up with him?” Regulus gestures with his head towards the glass door, where he can see Benjy nearly walk straight into a parked car, and Remus frowns.
“His son’s sick. It’s bad, they think he’s gonna die.”
“He has a son?”
“Yeah, he’s four, lives in Italy with his mom. Benjy can’t fly out to visit them, he doesn’t have the money.”
Regulus frowns now, turning away from his view out the door and instead to the books he’s putting away. Being in a different country than your kid must’ve been bad enough, but to not be there when they’re dying, Regulus doesn’t even want to think about that.
_________________
“Prongs?”
James hears Sirius head up to his side, panting for some reason. He doesn’t turn to face him. He doesn’t acknowledge Sirius beyond a slight head tilt.
He’s still looking at the place Regulus’ car had been, where the spot his son had been tucked in, where his ex - are they exes if they never really broke up? - and his son had driven off, Regulus barely glancing at him.
He has a son.
He grieved the loss of both Regulus and their kid when it first happened, nearly three years ago. He’d grown used to the ache in his heart, the hurt that really never went away. He welcomed it in the morning like he did the sun, and it was always the first thing he felt when he woke up, craving the warm presence of Regulus in his (their) bed, wanting nothing more to hear a child scream for him at dawn. It was the last thing he felt at night, weighing in his bones, making him yearn for Regulus’ hand or face to see, just one last time.
He’d never been able to fill the awkward hole Regulus left in his life, high school love or not. Every person he tried, no one had the perfect scowl or the stilted, heavy french accent Regulus had. Emmeline, Frank, Benjy, people he didn’t remember the names of. Not a single one ever came close to what Regulus was, is, to him. Eventually, he stopped trying to replace Regulus (he’d never admit it, but that’s what it had been). He familiarized himself with the hurt, and while it never disappeared, it got better. It hurt less, even if it wouldn’t go away, and James didn’t want it to.
But now, staring at the cause of his grief, he feels like it was all for nothing. Because Regulus is alive, wonderfully so, with their son. Regulus just didn’t want him to know that.
“Who was that?”
“Your sister. Well, not your sister, but-”
“What?”
James sighs, turning to look his best friend in the eye.
Up until they were fifteen, Regulus and Sirius had always been told they looked alike. Both had protested heavily against this, getting snappy and upset when someone made the comparison. James had always stayed out of it, getting a little kick out of Regulus’ scowl, but he privately agreed that there weren’t many resemblances except for their noses. Now, James can see it. They’ve got the same sharp jawline, same upturned nose that turns pink in the cold (Sirius’ entire face is the color of a crayon right now), and the same scowl.
James missed Regulus’ scowl.
“She’s alive.” James nods, more to himself than Sirius. “Well, he is. And Harry. Harry looks just like me, you know. He’s got a birth mark on his leg, looks a bit like a sun if you ask me. He was asleep and clinging to Reggie and oh, god, Sirius. I missed him, you know? Both of them. I know I never met Harry in the first place and I technically didn’t now, but-”
“Prongs, wait.” Sirius cuts him off mid-ramble, hands on James’ shoulders and confusion etched into every line of his face. “Who the fuck is Harry?”
James laughs, and he feels so weirdly happy, even though he knows two of the people that matter most just sped off in that ridiculously tiny car. He’s still giddy with the knowledge that they’re alive, even if his grieving seems a bit moot. Why grieve a living man?
“My son. And Reggie- Regulus- is your sister. Brother. He told me not to tell you that he was alive, which is a bit mean. You deserve to know, if I do.”
Sirius looks upset more than confused now, and James realizes that he doesn’t believe him. If the roles were reversed, he isnt sure he would either, but it still stings. He frowns in response to Sirius’ face, and gets a sigh.
“James, they’re dead. I don’t want them to be dead, but-”
“We never saw the body.”
Sirius gives him a look that can only be described as pity, and he hates it. He’d gotten it enough when Regulus died the first time, and it’s too much now.
James doesn’t wait for a response before heading back into the store, grumbling and giddy at the same time. He knows they’re alive, saw them in front of his eyes and talked to Regulus and kissed him. He didn’t imagine that in the slightest bit.
- ••
It takes James until the next night to find him, after promising Sirius that he’d prove Regulus wasn’t dead.
Ten instagram accounts and nearly thirty hours later, he’s got it.
“See, look!”James screams, and Sirius glares at him across the room. Sirius gets up, though, and looks at James’ laptop screen with a frown.
“And?”
“That’s Regulus.”
His frown deepens, eyes following along the photo James pulled up.
It’s a group of four people standing in front of a dark green building, the glass window labeling it ‘The Shop Around the Corner’. Regulus is holding Harry on his hip, and he looks barely over a year old. His chubby fists are clenched into someone else’s hair, pulling on the boy’s brown mop on top of his head. He’s laughing instead of wincing, eyes closed and his mouth stretched into a grin. There’s a girl on Regulus’ other side, glitter splashed on her face that gives James the impression that it was accidental, and possibly Harry’s doing. It’s in her platinum blonde hair too, and James doesn’t envy her for it.
The person taking the photo is directly in front of the camera, holding it close to their face. They’ve got a shaved pink buzz cut, also doused in glitter, and dark eyes that look like Regulus’. They’re holding a thumbs up with a broad smile, and James can see a piercing peeking out underneath their top lip.
“They’re hot,” Sirius points to the person in front, and James lets out an exasperated sigh. “I know, but that’s not Regulus. That is.”
He points to him, and Sirius’ expression loses the emotion it had.
“The boy is definitely yours,” is all he says, before disappearing back to his side of the dorm. It’s James’ turn to glare.
He looks back at the photo, ignoring what appears to be Regulus’ friends in favor of studying every detail about him.
He’s grinning, for one, in that way James remembers from when they were younger. It’s like he’s trying to not smile but seems too happy to force it away completely. While his face seems softer, less sharp angles that he’d seen yesterday, his nose and way he holds himself is just the same. His hair is also a bit shorter, cropped as close down to his head as possible without it being a buzz. Regulus’ curls are still recognizable, even cut so short, and there’s streaks of white through it. His eyes are shut completely but more from delight than anything else, and it makes James go breathless.
Regulus is happy, genuinely happy. James hadn’t seen him smile like that more than once or twice in person, and even through the screen it makes his heart speed up and a grin of his own threaten to show.
James spots the logo on Regulus’ t-shirt, the same one displayed behind him on the window, and makes the guess that he worked there at one point. If he has any luck, then hopefully Regulus still does.
He finds the shop online, and it’s only a thirty minute drive. It’s just down the street from a bakery he likes, and two of the employees go to his uni, Dorcas and Marlene. James has talked to them a few times, and he knows that Marlene previously dated Lily for a month or two, but he isn’t close to them.
He sends the address to his phone instead, finds the photo too, and throws a balled up shirt at Sirius’ head from behind.
“What the fuck?!” Sirius turns to throw it back and James catches it, gesturing at the computer. “I’m going to this shop, it doesn’t close for an hour.”
“And?”
“Are you coming with me or not?”