The bad thing about mistakes is not only the fact that they happen but also the possibilities that existed to prevent it.
If an accident was inevitable, you learn to deal with it. You know there was nothing you could do about it and it wasn't up to you. So you go on, you don't breathe like you have concrete lungs or you don't live like you don't deserve it.
You feel normal, you are fine.
But what if there was a way to prevent it?
What if a single, small, apparently obvious choice could have avoided the error?
So is it your fault?
Why did you make the wrong choice? What was on your mind at the time?
Hell, if you think about it, it sounds so damn stupid that you'd want to punch yourself.
But time… oh time is nobody's friend. Some say that it helps to heal wounds, to form a scab to stop the blood, but what if it was just the element that makes everything stale? Day after day, hour after hour, second after second, you find yourself living in your mistake.
Your mind takes on a life of its own, daily events are just a painful transparent reminder of your life before. You breathe nostalgia and drink regrets as the letters begin to put themselves in order, they form words that initially you cannot read because you feel numb but as soon as you calm down there they are ... clear and shiny:
What if ...
What if they didn't change the secret keeper?
"Dad? ... Dad come on wake up ... Dad!"
The sun had risen a few hours ago, the sky was still tinged with a pure blue and the morning freshness was so pleasant that it was a crime to get up before 10 am.
"Mmh Harry ... it's too early, go back to sleep"
the marauder groaned, further burying his face in the soft pillow.
"But it's important!" Harry protested climbing onto the bed and shaking James's shoulder lightly.
"More important than my beauty sleep?" he asked as he wiped the sleep from his eyes.
Before the young wizard could respond with sarcasm, another voice thick with sleep joined the dispute.
"I'm going to curse one of you right now if you don't go back to sleep," muttered a red-haired woman huddled under her blankets.
While James protested indignantly that he didn't do anything, Harry decided to use a different technique:
"Okay I understand ... I'll let you sleep" he got out of bed and started to walk towards the door.
The couple had stopped arguing and were now staring at each other suspiciously. Harry never gave up easily and he certainly wouldn't give up on his birthday.
"It will mean that I will open the newly arrived letter by myself." and he started to open the door.
Wait a seconds.
The letter.
Harry just turned 11.
So…
"HARRY!" James jumped out of bed and grabbed his son by the shoulders, lifting him up and filling him with kisses.
"My child has just turned 11, how is that possible?" he asked him in a fake voice on the verge of tears.
"DAD!"
Harry was laughing from the tickle of the kisses and was soon knocked back down, now joined by Lily.
"My precious, little, sunshine," whispered Lily softly as she kissed the boy's forehead and hugged him. "Happy birthday love".
When they went down to the living room they found a serious and important-looking brown owl, with a letter tied to its leg.
"He's definitely a Hogwarts owl," the Marauder muttered to his wife as Harry untied the letter.
Once caught, the owl flew out the window and the 2 adults gather behind their son.
Green ink shone on the slightly yellowish paper, the name Harry Potter prominently displayed just below the carmine red Hogwarts wax seal and the Potter home address last written.
"It's real…" Harry whispered as he read and reread his name on the envelope, almost as if he were afraid he might magically change.
"I really think so, Pronglest"
It was hard not to get excited in that circumstance. The arrival of the letter for Hogwarts was a symbolic moment for British wizarding families. You knew that your son was growing up and that from now on he would spend most of his time within the castle walls.
James put his arm around Lily's shoulders and gave her a kiss on the temple and then continued to look with love and tears in his eyes at their wonderful son.
When he was born, the war was reaching its peak. Voldemort's allies seemed to haunt the streets like termites in a piece of rotten wood, confidence seemed to wobble and you were never sure if you would still be able to tell the next day. Life expectancy seemed so low as friends and colleagues died that the newly moved couple weren't sure they could make it long enough to see Harry open his letter. They enjoyed every moment they could for fear that it was the last but now ... now, 11 years later, they were still here. Peter was in Azkaban and this tortured and made James' heart bleed because he couldn't believe that the kind and naive Peter could have become a Death Eater. He regretted every day that he couldn't help him in any way but maybe things were meant to be like this, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be saved, and honestly, he was glad to be alive, which probably wouldn't have been possible if the secret keeper had been wormtail.
While the small family seemed to have frozen as in a photo, a knock on the door woke them all from their trance.
"I'm surprised it took so long," James muttered between a yawn as he opened the door.
As expected, at the door of the small house, there was a young black-haired wizard with a 32-tooth smile that vibrated with excitement, and next to him an equally young man with curly hair disheveled from the trip on a motorcycle.
"Where is my favorite birthday boy?" the animagus asked excitedly as a hyperactive eleven year old hurled himself at full speed against the 2 marauders.
"Uncle Padfoot, Uncle Moony, you came early," Harry exclaimed gleefully as he was crushed into a hug by both of them.
"We would have come even earlier if someone here hadn't stopped me," Sirius whispered in a tone of false annoyance.
"Normal people sleep at midnight, Pads"
“I am a dog, James is a stag, you are a werewolf and Lily married Prongs. I honestly don't see anything normal here. ”Sirius chuckled as he kissed his godson's thick black hair and ignored James's punch on the arm.
"I'd say you arrived just in time," said the redhead from the living room.
Sirius and Remus looked over at Harry who lifted the letter with a smile very similar to James's at that moment.
"NO WAY!" Sirius practically screamed as he shifted his excited gaze between Harry and James and gripped Remus's wrist.
"Maybe if we go inside, he can open it." and so Moony dragged him inside the house.
As everyone took their seats in the living room, Remus pulled out his camera and snapped several photos, capturing Sirius' bright smile, James's tears he tried to hide, Lily's damn proud expression, and Harry's absolute delight as soon as he read that he was officially admitted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
James couldn't hold back any longer and went straight to Harry to yank him into a hug, joined shortly after by Lily.
"We are so so proud of you, love"
Harry snuggled into his parents' arms and closed his eyes, wishing for nothing else.
Remus walked over to Sirius on the couch, both of them moved, as they intertwined their fingers and thanked every God in existence for allowing all of them to watch Harry grow.
They were all together, they were alive and they were happy.
What if Sirius and Remus had talked instead of doubting each other?
"I don't know ... what if he says no?"
James raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest as he rocked in the dining table chair.
"In all the years I've known you, this is the most stupid and idiotic thing you've ever said"
Sirius groaned loudly and rested his forehead on the wooden table.
James sighed lovingly and put a hand on his arm.
"Pads ... listen to me, there is no person in the world with whom Moony would rather spend the rest of his life."
Sirius turned his head slightly towards James and asked in a weak voice, "and how do you know?"
James chuckled, earning a sharp glare.
“Sorry mate, but I really can't believe you are asking me. Come on, it's so damn obvious since the fifth year. Just think at the way he looks at you… Pads, he loves you, and you love him. I see no reason why he could say no to you."
"It's just that ... I don't know, maybe he'll think it's too much and I can't lose him Prongs ... I can't.”
Before James could argue, a small laugh came from behind them, causing them to turn around.
"Hey champion," James said, inviting his adorable 4-year-old to get on his lap. Harry didn't have to repeat it twice and, with the help of his father, he got comfortable against his chest.
"Why were you laughing?"
"Because pafoo said a stupid thing"
Sirius couldn't help but feel his heart melt every time Harry called him, knowing that in a few months he would surely learn to pronounce Padfoot correctly.
James seemed amused by the whole matter and urged his son to explain himself better.
"Pafoo thinks Uncle Moony doesn't love him, it’s stupid"
Prongs chuckled as he looked at Sirius' surprised face.
"You're right love, Pads said something really stupid"
"Even mom thinks it"
“Oh come on! You too were afraid to ask Lily to marry you! "
"At first I was terrified ... I don't deny it, but then I looked at her and I realized that my place was with her and I knew that fate would do the rest."
"It's like in fairy tales, you and Moony are the prince and princess," Harry said as he reached out to Sirius to be picked up.
"Oh and listen, who would I be?" asked the young wizard in the leather jacket as he bounced his precious godson on his knee.
"Obviously the princess duh”
James burst out laughing as he slammed his fist on the table while Sirius pretended to be indignant.
"Cheeky!" and he started tickling him.
The soft laughter of the child echoed throughout the house and Sirius decided that this was his all time favorite sound.
After Harry's cheeks were sufficiently red, Sirius stopped his attack and kissed the baby's hair.
"You know Pronglest, you might be right after all"
"Oh so if a 4-year-old tells you this, are you going to be convinced?"
"What can I say Prongs ... Harry is wiser here"
"And I'm not a child," Harry added now that he had caught his breath as he played with Sirius's hand.
"You are absolutely right, you are a 4-year-old young man"
Harry looked satisfied and curled up in his godfather's arms.
Shortly after, Lily came downstairs followed by Remus.
"Thanks for the help Rem, if I had waited for these 2 I would never have finished tidying up. I've always said that you are the best of all "
Both marauders seated at the table protested indignantly as a shit-eating smile graced the werewolf's features.
"We should go shopping for dinner ... will you come with me Remy?" asked Lily.
Remus nodded and went to get his coat.
"We'll be back in 2 hours more or less" communicated Lily and she, with a knowing look, left with Remus.
The young witch also knew, of course, that Sirius wanted to propose to Remus and the shopping was just an excuse to leave the house free.
"Let's begin?"
"Let's begin"
It was an unusually warm autumn day, Moony's favorite season, the trees around the Potters' house were tinged with orange and yellow with shades of red here and there, the full moon was still far away and the sky seemed to be devoid of any clouds.
The back garden was a small wonder, fruit trees were scattered around the ground and different types of flowers grew around the edges. Sirius and James decided to decorate the place with lights that went from tree to tree and enchanted fireflies to fly around the area. If it had been for Sirius, the proposal would have been a colossal event but he knew that Remus didn't like attracting attention so, in the end, organizing a moonlit dinner seemed like the nicest idea.
After about an hour and a half, dinner was cooking in the oven and the garden seemed to come out of one of those fairy tales they took turns reading to Harry in the evening.
“What if we put too many lights on? maybe we exaggerated…"
“It’s looks great to me and I'm sure he'll love it too. Be calm and take a deep breath”
Sirius took a breath of oxygen and exhaled, already feeling a little better "yes, okay, I have to stay calm. Understood"
"If you're scared I can hold your hand," Harry offered.
Sirius cooed softly as he picked him up. "Oh puppy, I appreciate that, but I think I can do it."
James looked at the couple fondly until he heard a door close.
"They are here!"
The calm that had apparently won Sirius when he picked up Harry now seemed to be gone as he hurried into the house.
"Uncle Moony!" Harry yelled happily as he reached out to the young wizard as soon as he saw him.
"Did you miss me?" Remus asked as he took the baby in his arms and kissed him on the hairline.
"Traitor," Sirius muttered with amusement.
"I wonder how he'll react when he's too old to be picked up," Lily chuckled ruffling Harry's hair.
"I don't even want to think about it," Remus said, overwhelmed by a sense of love and protection as the baby buried his face in his neck, his cold nose making him shiver.
"I'd say get ready for dinner, what do you think?" James suggested, wanting to start the plan.
"It seems to me an excellent idea. I just need to make Harry wear a heavier jacket."
That said, Lily took Harry from Remus's arms and started up the stairs, followed by James who, unnoticed by Moony, sent his thumbs up to the other Marauder.
"I want to show you a thing"
The animagus grabbed Remus's hand and started leading him to the back garden.
"I swear to God if you turned the garden back into a-" his words died in his mouth as soon as he saw the lights shine in the garden.
Although he had attended a school of witchcraft and wizardry for 7 years he had never seen this kind of magic… and he loved it.
"Pads what-"
Sirius stepped in front of him and grabbed his hands, looking him straight in the eye.
“From the third year I realized that I wanted something more than just friendship and in the fourth year I finally realized that I had fallen in love.
I saw you smile, cry, get angry because I stole your chocolate and each time the feeling grew more and more. I love how your hair are more blondish during spring and summer and more reddish and brown during autumn and winter, how the curls fall slightly on your eyes as you read and you begin to push them aside with your hands to keep them lifted. I love the way you curl up while reading a book, how you talk to me when I'm down and how you are so damn smart even if you continually deny it because you are too fucking modest to recognize what a wonderful and incredible person you are. "
Remus would surely deny it but in that moment he could feel the tears filling his eyes.
“We've been together since the fifth year of school and I can't imagine spending my life with someone other than you. You made me understand what it's like to love someone madly, how I didn't know I was incomplete until I met you. I know I'm a idiot most of the time but I love you Remus John Lupin, so damn much I might start crying. "
At that moment Sirius knelt on one knee and Remus could swear that someone had petrified him because he found it hard to even breathe.
"My precious Moony ..." and he pulled out of his pocket a small black velvet box that inside contained a ring with a diamond star on it.
"Do you want to marry me?"
Now he couldn't lie, he was crying. A tear was sliding down the werewolf's cheek and, without even thinking about it for a second, he nodded.
“Yes…oh Pads, absolutely yes” he began to sob as a smile made its way to his lips.
Sirius felt his chest relax and his breathing slowly return to normal. He had said yes.
Remus, his Moony, his everything wanted to marry him.
With a smile so bright it made the sun envy, the animagus stood up and slipped the ring on Remus's ring finger and then gently grabbed his face and dragged him into a kiss so full of love that they both found it difficult to break away.
Applause came from behind them, Dorcas and Marlene as soon as they arrived and James the loudest of all.
The couple broke away and moved their foreheads together.
"I love you too, so much, and I'll probably regret it on the altar."
"wanker" Sirius giggles hitting his arm and trying to hide that he too had started crying.
"Who wants to toast?" James asked, holding up a bottle of champagne.
Remus laced his fingers with Sirius's, noticing his moon-shaped ring. If he could, he would have tattooed that moment on his skin to stay forever. He was surrounded by his best friends, a beautiful child he loved more than his own life and his boyfriend, the man for whom he would have sold his soul if necessary.
The war had been a turbulent time, full of obstacles and difficult nights but they had made it, they were still here, together.
As Sirius raised his goblet to toast the marriage proposal, Remus looked up at the night sky and could swear that the stars and moon seemed brighter than usual.
What if Sirius didn't go after Peter?
Harry was standing in front of Sirius and Remus' bedroom door, rocking on his heels.
It was around 4am and the 13-year-old had just had a vivid nightmare about his parents' death.
The green light still seemed to light up his face and he couldn't shake his fear. He had to make sure the 2 Marauders were okay.
He reached for the doorknob but stopped just before touching it.
It’s was stupid. It was obvious that they were fine and he didn't want to disturb them ... but maybe ...
He grabbed the handle and took a deep breath. Just a little glance to make sure everything is okay and then he would go back to bed again even though he doubted he would go back to sleep.
He slowly pushed open the door and put his head inside trying to see into the thick darkness of the room.
Once he saw with his own eyes that everything was alright, Harry let out a sigh that he didn't realize he was holding back.
He was about to go back to his room, maybe he could try to finish the potions essay in view of the imminent start of the third school year when a drowsy voice made him freeze in his footsteps.
"Harry?" Remus murmured as he sat up and turned on the lamp, rubbing his eyes.
"Uh-"
"Pup is everything okay?" Sirius asked worriedly, now awake too.
Harry didn't know what to do, he didn't want to look like an idiot but he couldn't even go back to bed as if nothing had happened.
Looking at the two waiting adults, now both seated with worried looks, he gave in.
"I had a nightmare and ... uhm... I just wanted to make sure you 2 were okay"
Understanding flashed across the couple's face and they began to create space between them.
"Jump up," Sirius invited.
Normally Harry would have protested that he was too old to sleep with, basically, his parents, but right now he wanted nothing more than to snuggle between the two wizards and feel safe.
Without hesitation, the teenager climbed between the 2 and made himself comfortable, burying his face in Sirius's chest.
"Do you want to tell us what you dreamed of?"
Harry took a deep breath, only reassuring himself when Remus started stroking his hair.
“Mom and Dad being killed… I saw their bodies and the green light. I think it was a memory "
Sirius and Remus exchanged a worried glance, knowing that it was not normal for him to remember the event, and then concentrate again on the distressed teenager.
"I'm so sorry you had to see it cub…" Remus said, continuing to play with the unruly locks of hair
"Do you think if it wasn't for me ... they would still be alive?"
If it weren't for their more developed hearing, they probably wouldn't have heard the question.
Neither of the 2 talked much about that Halloween night. Too much pain and too much guilt to digest to be able to give it a voice.
But now, even if it was like screaming when you had a sore throat, they had to take courage for Harry.
"It's not your fault that Voldemort killed your parents, Harry."
"But they died to save me ..."
“Puppy… James and Lily loved you so much you couldn't even imagine it. When you were born you made them complete, you gave them so much happiness that they no longer knew where to put it. " Harry smiled and Sirius continued, “They knew the war was escalating and trust me when I tell you they never, and I mean never, had any doubts about keeping you safe at any cost. If they could, they would die a thousand more times to make you live your life because they loved you and still love you now, wherever they are. I know it's difficult but as long as you remember them, they will always be here with you "and he touched the teenager's heart.
Harry let out a few tears which he quickly wiped away with his wrist as he smiled at the 2 people he loved the most.
"It's good to hear that.. I love you so much"
"And we love you more” Remus whispered as he kissed his temple and turned off the lamp light.
The deaths of James and Lily had left a deep furrow in Harry's heart but he was so grateful that he found 2 such wonderful people to care for him. He felt loved, happy and safe.
Thus, as the warmth of love enveloped him as if it were a blanket, he allowed his mind to relax and drift towards the world of dreams, sure that, despite everything, cuddled in the arms of Sirius and Remus, he was safe.
Unfortunately these possibilities are nothing more than kind and deceptive fantasies, born from the imagination of a child locked up in the cupboard under the stair of a seedy house in Privet Drive, from the dreams of a young wizard left completely alone or from the mind of a prisoner unjustly imprisoned for a crime not committed.
The possibilities are treacherous, slimy and damn good... if only that fateful Halloween night the choices were different ... maybe life would have been more forgiving and sweeter.
On October 31, 1981, Lily and James Potter died at the hands of Voldemort, betrayed by a best friend, unable to see their splendid son grow up.
On October 31, 1981, Sirius Black was imprisoned in Azkaban without trial, wrongfully accused of the murder of Peter Pettigrew and 12 Muggles.
He didn't get a chance to take care of his godson and couldn't say goodbye to the 2 most important people in his life.
On October 31, 1981, Remus Lupin lost everything. He found himself alone, bewildered and in pain, convinced that the love of his life had caused all this.
On October 31, 1981, Harry Potter officially became an orphan, condemned to a life of abuse by the Dursleys and a fate to be fulfilled, never savoring the love he would have grown up with if things had turned out differently.
On October 31, 1981, a series of wrong choices led to consequences.