Chapter 5
“Something’s changed,” Pandora declared as she sat next to Regulus in the library. Regulus didn’t look up from his homework. He knew Pandora would continue her thoughts without being prompted if she had specifically sought him out in the library. “With you,” she continued, “something’s changed.”
“I assure you Pandora, nothing about me has changed,” Regulus lied easily. It wasn’t too bad lying to your friends when you always keep them an arms length away, not really allowing anyone to get too close.
“It’s not a physical change. It’s your future that has changed.”
Now she had his full attention. He snapped the book he was reading closed and turned to face her. She looked like what she was saying was confusing even to her. “What do you mean? My future has changed?”
“I don’t really know. I guess it was this feeling I had that your life was so.. black and white. Everyone else is kind of grey? Like they might end up in a million different places but you - you would only end up in one place.” Pandora spoke slowly, as if she was explaining something to a timid child.
Regulus had to stop the bubble of laughter that was threatening to come out. Yeah, she was right. He really was going to end up in one place - dead before 20 if he had to guess. “Okay, what has changed then?”
“Now, you are turning into one of the grey people, I’m not sure where life is going to take you.” With that, she seemed to have said what she needed to and walked away.
Pandora had always been… strange. Many of the other Slytherins didn’t get along with her but left her alone due to her association with Regulus. Pandora is a great witch, but she knew things on a metaphysical level that made people uncomfortable or think her mad. Regulus knew better though. She was similar to him, but more so that she could feel and know things about different people, not just herself.
Regulus pondered the implications of what she had told him. If he truly has options or not. He had yet to see his choices in front of him again, so he was unsure of what Pandora was seeing that he wasn’t.
James was a few tables away from Regulus, studying- if you could call it that - with Sirius, Remus, and Peter. James watched the short conversation between Pandora and Regulus. He wondered what Pandora could have possibly said that left Regulus in such a contemplative state for the last 5 minutes. James checked the clock in the library and confirmed again, Regulus had not moved to start his work again or write on his parchment for 5 whole minutes. “Earth to Prongs!”
James glanced away from Regulus and turned his attention to Sirius, ignoring Remus staring at him to his left. “Yeah, Sirius?”
“Don’t you agree with Pete and I?”
James’ mind went blank. He had no idea what they could have been talking about. “Of course, Pads.” Agreeing with Sirius was always a safe bet.
“Alright, mates. There you have it. It’s pointless to study for as long as we have been. Let's go back to the common room and relax before James has to go to duty with my prick of a brother!”
James looked down at his mostly blank homework assignment and internally cursed himself. He’d have to stay up late to finish his potions essay. He couldn’t very well go back on his word now. He cast a quick glance back at Regulus, who was still just sitting and thinking… Maybe James could ask about it during their prefect duty. Maybe it was another secret that Regulus would share. He doubted it, but the promise of learning something new about Regulus left James feeling, oddly giddy? Excited? As he packed up his belongings and headed up to the tower he thought of ways he could get Regulus to talk to him tonight.
A loud voice broke Regulus from his thoughts. He looked over to where his brother was standing up and pushing his friends to leave the library. Sirius was never one to care too much about his studies. Seeing his brother and his friends reminded Regulus of his prefect duty.
Last week he had revealed a secret to James and didn’t have nightmares for a few days. It was nice to finally catch up on some sleep, but by Saturday the cold and dark of his dreams had started to creep in again. Last night he had felt the hands again and woke to a sharp pain in his chest. He could barely catch his breath. He was thankful that he had the sense to put silencing charms around his bunk every night in case his dreams get so bad that he actually screams.
A brief thought crossed his mind that befriending James Potter might be a big enough revolt to his parents and the Dark Lord that maybe his dreams would go away for a month or two. Regulus quickly shook that thought from his mind. That would never work for several reasons. The biggest ones being that: one he hated Potter and two, getting close to Potter meant having Sirius closer which would lead to more than just his death. So befriending Potter, as tempting of a disappointment to his parents as it was, would not work. He’d have to find another way to discreetly defy his family while at Hogwarts. All this thinking was giving Regulus a headache.
He decided with his last hour before having to spend time with Potter he would walk along the edge of the forbidden forest and smoke some cigarettes. Another habit he picked up over the summer that would infuriate his parents. He bought a few packs hoping they would get him through until the holidays when he could hopefully find time to go to muggle London and buy more.
With a plan, he packed his homework into his bag and headed out of the castle. The sun was setting and it wasn’t too dark yet. As he neared the edge of the forest he lit the cigarette. He inhaled deeply and let the smoke fill his lungs before blowing it out. The little buzz it gave him already helped his headache. He walked until he found a nice looking area and sat down, leaning against a tree.
He lit another cigarette and thought more about what Pandora had said. If he had been a person with seemingly no choices to Pandora since she’s known him… that meant that none of his previous choices had really been choices, those were destiny or maybe not destiny but supposed to happen anyway. Now that she sees grey in his outcomes, his choices matter. He took another deep drag off of the cigarette.
What changed this year that suddenly gave him a chance? Or did he even have a chance at all? Maybe the grey that Pandora was seeing wasn’t about his choices at all and was actually just the cold water he is probably going to die in. He supposed he could talk with Pandora and tell her about his visions and the gold and black cord. If anyone would believe him it would be her. But he also didn’t want her uselessly worrying about him.
Regulus decided to wait. He would give it until the Winter Solstice to see if things are changing for him and reevaluate asking Pandora for help.
Satisfied with his decision, he stood up and waved his wand to fix the wrinkles in his clothes. Now he had to make it through patrol with James. On his walk back to the castle he decided to have one more cigarette. It was unlike him to smoke three in one day, but he felt like he needed a little push to make it through the rest of this day.
Back in the castle, Regulus quickly went to the Slytherin dorms and dropped his bag off before going to meet James. By the time Regulus made it to their patrol spot, James was already waiting for him.
“You’re late.” James said with a smile. If this was how he was going to get Regulus to talk with him, it wasn’t going to work.
“I’m not late. I'm right on time.”
“Some people say if you aren’t early, it means you are late.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, “well some people are stupid.”
James smirked and took a step toward Regulus, staring down at him. “Yes, well I’m sure we are all stupid to the ever knowing Regulus Black.” Regulus rolled his eyes and was about to walk away, but James stopped him. “Wait, is that smoke I smell on you?”
Regulus inwardly cursed the fact that he hadn’t thought to cast a spell to get the smell of smoke off his clothes, he just didn't think anyone - let alone James Potter, would get close enough to him to smell it. He racked his brain for some lie. “No, Potter. It’s nice to know that not only are you blind, your sense of smell is terrible too. Do any of your senses work right?” Regulus thought maybe he could throw Potter off by being rude, it worked for most people, even fellow Slytherins.
“Oh no. You aren’t fooling me. I’ve lived with Remus long enough to know the smell of muggle cigarettes.” James took another step toward Regulus and took a deep breath, making sure to exaggerate the fact that he was smelling Regulus. “Wow, Reggie. I thought I would have to sell my soul to learn another one of your secrets, but you just keep wearing them on your sleeve!”
“Don't call me Reggie,” Regulus snarled. He hated being called that. Sirius used to call him Reggie, which obviously doesn’t happen anymore, and the only other person who calls him that was his cousin Bellatrix and she said it in a condescending tone all summer long. Regulus turned away from James to start their patrol and get out of this conversation some how.
James had to jog slightly to catch up with Regulus. Note to self, he gets very touchy over the nickname Reggie, James thought to himself. He was trying to tease Regulus not make him mad. “Regulus wait!”
Regulus slowed down, but didn’t turn towards James again. He felt uncomfortable around James now. It was as if everything he had hid just came out around James, and that could put them both, and by proxy Sirius in danger.
“Look, I won’t tell anyone about the smoking. It’s not a big deal, but you know those things will eventually kill you.”
Regulus let out a bubble of laughter at that, “smoking isn’t what's going to kill me, Potter.” He almost wished it was smoking that killed him. It seemed like a better alternative to the cold hands and water.
James had never heard Regulus actually laugh before. He didn’t know it was something the younger boy was capable of. It was nice, even if the topic was a bit morbid for laughter. “I’m sure that's what they all say,” James said with a shrug.
The pair went back to patrolling in silence. Regulus, trying to ignore James, and James trying to break the silence. Ever since he found out about Regulus’ sleeve of tattoos, James couldn’t help but wonder if there was something that could save Regulus and reunite him with Sirius. James knew that the incredibly cruel things Regulus said to Sirius before he ran away, but that Regulus and the one James patrols with seem like two different people.
James could already hear Remus in his mind, it’s not up to you to save everyone, James. And well yeah, maybe it’s not, but if someone wants help and doesn’t know how to ask for it or get it, he wants to help them. Especially if it can mean Sirius gets his brother back.
“So…” James trailed off. They were getting to the end of their patrol and James felt like he couldn't leave with the cloud of awkwardness that seemed to cling to James and Regulus. “How about a deal?”
Regulud groaned, he didn’t like where this was going. Maybe he could go to Slughorn and get assigned a new partner to do patrols with. It was only his second time with James and it was proving to be terrible. “You have nothing I want. No deal.”
“You don’t even know what I’m offering yet!” Regulus didn't say anything, so James took that as his go ahead. “I won't call you Reggie anymore if you tell me what you and your friend talked about in the library today.”
“You mean Pandora? Why would you care what we talk about?”
James shrugged, “I don’t really care, but whatever it was - it left you shaken up. After she left you didn’t move for five straight minutes.”
“How about don’t call me Reggie again and I won’t find a way to get away with murder at Hogwarts?” Regulus thought of all the ways he could kill Potter at Hogwarts. Push him off the astronomy tower. Poison his pumpkin juice. Drown him in the prefect bath.
“You wouldn’t, and you’re deflecting. You do that a lot.”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me”
Regulus considered James for a moment. What was the worst that could happen? Nobody would believe that Regulus told James personal things about his life. On the plus side, he could potentially get a good night's sleep by telling James what Pandora had said. It was likely that James wouldn’t even believe him, which was also fine as long as he didn’t make fun of her. “Fine, you have a deal.”
James eyebrows shot up. He really wasn't expecting that to work on Regulus. “Alright, go on then.”
Regulus looked around the empty hallway before motioning to a classroom. “This isn’t really a hallway conversation.” James followed Regulus and wondered what in Merlin’s name Regulus could tell him that couldn’t be said in a hallway. “Look, you don’t have to believe me, but if you make fun of Pandora, I’ll hex you into next week. Even Pomfrey won’t be able to fix you.”
James simply nodded his head, unwilling to speak in case it made Regulus change his mind about telling him what Pandora had said.
“First you need to know that Pandora is a seer. Not like the Divination professor. She sees things about people and where their lives might take them.” Regulus trailed off, looking to James for any hint of laughter or mocking that might come. James stayed silent so Regulus continued. “Since she has known me, she said that my life always seemed set in stone. Like no matter what I did, I would always end up in the same spot in life. Everyone else’s choices mattered, what they decided had an effect on their life - but not mine.”
James interrupted Regulus after that, “Everyone’s choices matter, Regulus.” He was unsure where this was going, but acting like your choices don’t have an impact on where you end up seemed ridiculous to James.
“Obviously, Potter. The point is, she said that I’ve changed. Now my life might not end the way it was supposed to..” Regulus trailed off, because this is where his own thoughts got messed up. “Anyway, lately I had been feeling stuck. And now… I don’t know.”
“Now you have hope?”
Regulus considered that for a moment. Did he have hope? “No. Not really hope. I was wondering if she was actually seeing how my life would end and not that my choices suddenly matter, since they never have before.”
“You think your choices don’t matter then?”
Regulus groaned, he was growing tired of this conversation. “I know they matter, just that I will always end up in the same place no matter the choice.”
“That’s a load of shit. You can change your life if you weren’t too scared to try. Look at Sirius! Sorry but if you are using this to excuse your shitty life choices, it’s not gonna work on me.” James couldn’t believe that he almost let himself believe that Regulus wanted to be saved. He scoffed and started pacing the classroom. He was wasting his time.
Regulus shook his head, James Potter would never understand the sacrifice he made for Sirius and for James’ family. He wouldn’t understand that his choices were death or death. “Sirius is exactly why I have no choices,” he said in a whisper. Like just saying the words out loud would break him.
Sirius is exactly why I have no choices
Sirius is exactly why I have no choices
James turned back to face Regulus and ask what he meant, but Regulus was already walking out of the door. James felt like he had gone through a whole range of motions in the short time he spent with Regulus today. Hope that maybe Regulus was someone he could reunite with Sirius again, disgust that he wasn’t worth Sirius at all, and then confusion. He walked back to Gryffindor tower wondering what he could have meant. Blaming his life on Sirius wasn’t fair. Sirius got away from a shitty situation and Regulus had chosen to stay…. Right? It was a choice.
When he stepped into the common room Remus was waiting up for him. “You don’t have to wait for me every time I have rounds you know.”
“What is it that you think you’re doing?” Remus asked. He was always so calm, and James didn’t know how Remus could read people like he did.
“I’m not doing anything.” James replied. He wasn’t really doing anything. Definitely not obsessing over Regulus Black. That would be crazy.
“Be careful, James. Regulus is not like Sirius. He isn’t someone who needs you to save him.”
“But how do you know?” It was out before James could stop himself. He wished that Remus wouldn’t look at him with pity. “How do you know?” He asked again.
“Call it a hunch. Leave it alone, James.” With that, Remus left the common room and headed to their dorm.
James wished he could leave it alone, he really did. But that’s just not who he was.