chapter twenty nine
“Thanks, Molly,” Tonks sniffled, she had shed a few tears on her ascent of the stairs. “I’m sure I do look childish right now, crying in bed because my older cousin teased me.”
“Not at all, Sirius is the adolescent one for embarrassing you,” Molly shook her head.
“I’d like to blame it on his time at Azkaban, but honestly, I think he’ll always act like a kid,” Marigold mused.
“He’s a bit right though, I do…admire…Remus,” She pondered her words. “It just sort of happened, we’re always on missions together, both of us living here, the drinking and the dancing…”
“That’s good, he’s a really lovely man,” Molly encouraged.
“I don’t think he likes me at all,” Tonks huffed. “He was so upset at the notion of me liking him.”
“No, no, that’s not it,” Marigold comforted.
“Marigold, you know them both better than even I do,” Tonks looked at her with puppy dog eyes that rivaled her cousins’. “Can you tell what he’s really thinking?”
Molly sat down next to her friend, ready for the long history to be explained once more in front of her. Marigold’s chest rose with a large breath, and she released it slowly, considering her next statement.
“Well, I think it’s a couple of things. First, you know Remus is older than you, and he knows it too. Maybe that makes him feel guilty? Then is the matter of his lycanthropy, he’s so very scared of hurting loved ones, so he’s never seemed to let people get close enough.” Marigold explained, studying the print of the bedsheet like it was a work of art.
“I understand both of those reasons, I don’t agree with him, but I recognize his hesitations. It’s just, well, I haven’t seen him act like that to Sirius before, there’s gotta be something else.” Tonks crossed her arms.
Molly nudged Marigold, who only bit her lip and thought harder about how to communicate her ideas effectively. Tonks moved her eyes between them and in seeped this horrible, consuming, jealous feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“Oh god, is he in love with you?” She asked, horrified. “Do you love him? Does Sirius know?”
Marigold’s head snapped up and she shook her head so strongly, Molly feared she would sprain something. Molly laughed lightly, placing a hand on either woman’s shins to calm them both down.
“No, I promise you, I don’t love Remus like that anymore, and I don’t think he even felt the same about me way back then!” Marigold rushed to explain.
“Then why was it so weird in the kitchen, I don’t get it,” Tonks groaned, though very relieved.
“Those words Sirius said about supporting you two, Remus said almost the same thing to Siri and I almost two decades ago,” Marigold began. “It seemed like the entire universe shifted after that.”
“Oh, what happened?“ Tonks sat up a little, intrigued.
Marigold didn’t start from the beginning, but she did admit the basic story of how the trio started out. Remus and Sirius agreed they wouldn’t compete, that she wouldn’t come between them, the way she had been so interested in both of them right away. The sleeping together, visits to each others' houses, the great friend group that formed from their union.
Then, she had to indulge in the climatic ending to it all. It truly did seem to change everything after it happened, the war began only four months later, the friend group once again split into two separate ones, and Marigold’s entire fantasy for her future was deemed impossible.
It was one of those nights where the sky was blue instead of black, a mid-October night with a hint of summer’s end in a warm breeze. Bugs still chirped outside, birds flew overhead. It smelled like grass and distant rain, Marigold remembers all of this almost twenty years later because the night became so cemented in her brain.
It started off, with the three sneaking out to smoke some weed under the quidditch pitch. Then they planned to fly around, or just sit in the stands and pass time under the night sky the best way they knew how.
Marigold reached into the hoodie pocket of Remus’ jacket. He didn’t protest, he only turned his head and let his arms go limp at his sides. She frowned, trying to find the bud and pipe. Her fingers pulled back out, only producing a zippo.
“Remi, I was hoping you’d pack a bowl with me,” She tried to engage with him, hugging his nearest arm.
“I didn’t really want to tonight, sorry,” He replied cooly.
“Well…that’s alright,” She retreated slightly, trying to not appear or sound disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm.
“Don’t worry baby, I’ve got some papers with me,” Sirius said, squinting at Remus’ side profile.
Lately, his best friend had been more and more reclusive, and just overall more noticeably indifferent. He chalked it up to the moon cycle, but now it was just too prolonged for such a simple justification. Anyways, Marigold had always been a surefire way to get Remus out of his funk, but not so much recently.
Marigold noticed it as well, and it scared her like hell. She feared he was depressed, and feared for his mental health. There were a lot of pressures in the seventh year to make something of yourself, and she assumed it had something to do with that.
Marigold turned to Sirius, mustering a smile, thankful he was feeling okay. He mirrored her appreciative look, glancing back at Remus when she busied herself with the supplies he handed her. Remus was already staring back at him, almost completely devoid of emotion, except for the sorrowful look he was unable to hide in his eyes.
Sirius opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong, cocking his head to the side. Before he could, Marigold called his name, she needed both hands to prevent spilling the weed out of the unfinished joint, but she needed some light.
He focused back on the girl, lighting the tip of his wand and twirling a strand of her hair around a finger. He complimented her on her craftsmanship and flirted cheekily. She giggled, looking up to give him a butterfly kiss on the nose, scrunching her own.
Remus gulped, he was planning to talk to them tonight just before bed. He was going to let Sirius take Marigold upstairs with him, and he was going to walk the castle under prefect privileges. He just couldn’t draw it out any longer, he knew he’d be almost impossible to employ in his condition, he knew Marigold’s family would want her to marry one of them, and he knew how much Sirius relied on Marigold to feel loved.
Sirius lit the smoke, blowing a large billow of air in Marigold’s face as she gazed at him, unashamed and unphased. She took it from his fingertips, and crossed to Remus, leaning on a wooden support for the bleachers.
He looked her up and down as she came closer, aware it would be one of the last times he’d get to do that. He gave a weak smile, reaching out for one of her hands. She stilled in front of him, suspicious of his distant behavior. She blew the smoke over her shoulder away from him, squinting at him, hoping to decipher his weird ways.
“Alright, what the fuck’s wrong?” She placed the joint between his soft lips, and he took it right back out.
“Just a personal thing, Gold, you can’t do anything to fix it.”
“Weed can’t even fix it either?” Sirius joined them.
“No,” Remus shook his head weakly.
Marigold frowned deeply, placing her hands on the sides of his face. They held eye contact for a moment, and when he didn’t seem to react at all, she leaned up to kiss him. Her eyes fluttered shut, but he remained half-lidded.
Sirius sat smoking the joint by himself, skeptical but scatterbrained. Marigold pulled back after her partner made no movements or effort to kiss her back.
“What is it, Remus, please,” Marigold begged in a whisper, searching his eyes.
“I wanted to wait till later, but I think it’s undeniable now.” He submitted under her desperation.
Sirius stood up straighter, not ceasing his puffing, however. Whatever this is, he’ll tell us, we’ll get high, he’ll fuck Marigold, we’ll all sleep in his bed, and in the morning it’ll be fixed, Sirius thought to himself.
Marigold was a woman, she had that oh-so-talented female intuition. She knew this wasn’t going to be something easily solved, whatever it was had really messed with Remus’ head.
“I can’t be a part of this anymore.” Remus closed his eyes, bracing for the reactions.
“What do you mean mate? Next time we’ll smoke in the dorm if you’re paranoid,” Sirius shrugged.
“That’s not what I’m talking about. I can’t see you anymore, Marigold.” Remus opened his eyes after finishing the next sentences.
Sirius dropped the joint in shock. Marigold sat frozen in front of him, rapid eye blinking the only hint she had heard him.
“Wh-why not?” Her voice cracked.
“Come on Marigold, we all knew this wouldn’t last forever,” Remus gave.
“No, I didn’t, I wanted us to live in Greece, the three of us. We could get odd jobs doing whatever, we could be happy, we’d never have to be boring adults, we could stay young and bohemian,” She protested.
“I know you wanted it, a part of me did too, but that’s just not realistic,”
“I don’t care, I love you, Remus, don’t break us up!”
“Come on, we have to grow up sometime.”
“That’s all you have to say to me?” Marigold grimaced, her tear ducts overflowing.
“Sirius?” Remus tried, unable to look at Marigold as she cried about something he was responsible for.
“What do you want me to say?” Sirius searched his friend's face.
“Tell her…tell her how you feel, comfort her, make her feel special, help her forget,”
“Oh come on, Mooney! What the hell, mate?” Sirius threw his arms up.
“Everyone knew you were the one she’d end up with, you two have so much more in common, you’re so much better suited for her, Padfoot, you’re her prince charming,”
“What, this is about your condition?” Marigold asked, sniffling as her tears continued to flow.
“No, no, it’s about so much more.” He disagreed.
“This will change everything, you realize that?” She asked him sternly.
“It might change a couple of things, I’ll just be a friend to you, I’ll give you two your space to be a real, proper, respectable couple. It won’t ruin the friendship, it won’t spoil our last year together at school!”
“I can’t imagine my life without you.” Marigold cried some more.
“You won’t be alone though, that’s the best part, you two are head over heels for one another! I’m just trying to make things less complicated!” Remus himself had tears threatening to spill over now too, he knew this conversation would be hard but he hoped he’d be able to cry as little as possible in front of them.
“Do you really want us to just act like the past couple of years were just casual? I know they meant something to you too, Remus if I’m too greedy about Goldie, I’ll back off, okay? Is it jealousy?” Sirius tried to reason.
“No, truth is, I love you both but in the same way. You’re my best friend, and I only want to see you both happy. I’m sorry you fell in love with me Marigold,” Remus apologized, his heart aching as he watched the girl wipe her own tears.
“This hurts so much,” She moaned.
Remus looked at Sirius again, both were crying. He knew what he had to do, the bandage was almost completely ripped off.
“Sirius, listen to me well, it’s very important to me. I want you to be her boyfriend, I want you to propose, I want to be invited to the wedding, and I want both of you to have your dream of the big, happy family, together. I’m not going to stand in the way, you have my full support pursuing the girl,”
Sirius didn’t respond, he only looked away from Remus’ pleading eyes. He bites his lower lip, trying to process the abrupt shift in the situation. Marigold still stood three feet away, clutching herself and breathing unevenly.
Remus nodded, he knew neither one of them had enough fit in them to reply. He sighed, looking at them both one more time, and left the same way they came in. He decided to go to the owlery, avoid a path that would cross with them going to bed.
The joint lay in the dirt at his feet, he glared at it. Sirius knew he should do something, say something, to the woman he loved. After all, she stood an arm’s length away, crying and shaking.
He didn’t know what would suffice if he could do anything to help her. She told Remus she loved him, she hadn’t voiced the same for Sirius. Should he listen to his best friend? Could it really be as simple as blurting out those three short words?
Would that promise he’d never disappoint her? That she’d never mourn the absence of Remus? That she’d be pleased settling for one of them, and not even getting to choose which one? Could Sirius actually be a husband, and a father, after his upbringing?
Marigold reflected individually as well. She wasn’t sure she could have ever chosen between the two. The moon and the star, are both so striking and enchanting but for different reasons. She loved them both equally, but the moon didn’t return the sentiment. He’d go on and continue his ever-changing phases, present, but always just out of reach.
The star maybe loved her back, in the way she wanted him to, but he hadn’t said it. Marigold feared the metaphor as a prophecy, Alexander was incredible at divination. If so, she’d have to come to terms with the fact that her world would shift and the star would disappear for some seasons.
She wasn’t the Earth, and Remus wasn’t devoted to her, but she sure as hell wasn’t the sun either, the solar system obviously didn’t revolve around her. Maybe she was a glob of space junk, that’s certainly what she felt like now.
She dared to look at Sirius and found him just as lost in thought as she was. He felt her stare and raised his own eyes to meet her. She smiled at him sadly, and he nodded, agreeing to whatever she was trying to convey with that.
“Let’s get back to the tower, I think the joint’s ruined,” He spoke.
“I don’t want to get high anymore anyway,” She sniffled.
As they walked back, it was silent. No small talk could be made, and no comforts could be passed either, both were at a loss for words.
Sirius would have plenty of time in Azkaban to remember this night and scream at how desperately he’d wished he’d done it differently. He should have hugged her, kissed her, run a hand through her hair, scratched her back, and told her how deeply in love he was.
Instead, they trudged side by side, and when their knuckles accidentally knocked between them, he would apologize. She’d just whimper some more, the two teenagers desperately confused at where things stood between them now.