Chapter 7
Sometimes, it felt like Regulus Black wasn’t fully alive. Like he was just floating above his body, just another insignificant spirit or forgotten memory watching the world go on without him. Watching as his life slowly got worse and worse as it crumbled and burnt. He watched it like an old video tape, broken and warped.
But other times, the more unfortunate times, he felt much too alive. He could deal with the feeling like he was never there, like no one ever actually saw him, because then he could pretend everything happening was just a fever dream; but when it was the other way around, he became all too aware of himself, he had to accept that this was his reality, his life, and he could never quite escape or outrun it.
How he talked, how he walked, how it felt like he didn’t quite fit into his own skin, or how he could feel the dirt on his skin and gunk on his teeth that he swore he scrubbed off hours before. How his clothes felt too itchy and his pants felt too tight and his hair hung in front of his eyes and scratched the back of his neck. Everything and anything seemed too much, like he was sensitive to the entirety of the world.
Sometimes he wished he didn’t exist at all. But there was hardly anything that he could do about it, so instead he let his mother levitate his luggage to the train because he could barely lift his arms and watches as she glares because he lets out the slightest of winces.
He makes it onto the train, levitating his suitcase so he wouldn’t have to carry it. Even that exhausted him.
His arm burns, but he hadn’t looked at it since the last time he did. He was scared, scared of the ugliness that would face him.
He can still hear the words his mother had hissed into his ears as he tried to turn away.
‘I expect the best from you, understand? Don’t let anyone know of your soulmark. Behave, stay under the radar. I will be working on a solution, so expect a letter soon.’
It was a command. A threat. That’s why he was heading towards the back of the train, towards an empty cart. He didn’t try and find his friends, instead sitting alone. It takes a humongous amount of effort to simply put his luggage up, and he could almost cry from that alone.
After he’s been sitting for some time, he slowly glances down at his arm, letting out a harsh breath. He reaches for the bottom of his sleeve, fiddling with it, and just as he goes to pull it up, the door to the cart slams open, making him jump.
“Regulus! What the hell! We’ve been waiting so long for you, mate,” Barty snaps, barging in, closely followed by Evan, Pandora, and Dorcas. Pandora sits beside him, and the rest of them take a seat across from him, glaring.
“We were worried,” Pandora murmured, resting her head on his shoulder, and he holds in a wince. His whole body still hurt, aching in a way that made him want to lay down to sleep and never get up again.
“Sorry,” He replies softly, and they all give him a strange look, before Dorcas finally rolls her eyes.
“So?”
“So?” He replies back, confused and drowsy. She rolls her eyes again, and Evan cuts in.
“How’d it go with your mom? We were all worried, did she find out? Are you hurt?”
He stays quiet, which really speaks for itself, and they all get noticeably worried, leaning forward. He feels as if everything was closing in on him, their worried voices overlapping in his head, knocking around in there as he tries not to cry. Finally, he jolts up, and they all lean back, surprised.
“Reg? Whats wrong?” He doesn’t know who asked, but the world was spinning and he had to leave, so he mutters about having to piss and leaves. He stumbles down the hall, sucking in sharp breaths, and just as he almost makes it to the bathroom, he knocks into someone.
“Reg?” He almost physically groans as he glances up, unshed tears blurring his vision slightly.
“Reggie? What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Shit, come here,” he’s tugged into a compartment, and this time he does wince, tripping over his feet slightly as James studies him. The compartment is, thankfully, empty, and James locks it behind him. Smart.
“Reg, hey, what’s wrong, are you okay? You look ten seconds from passing out? Are you hurt? Did they hurt you? Was the break bad? Did your mom find out you’re being tutored?”
“Merlin, James, slow down,” he slurs out, and James gives him an even more worried look, bringing a hand up to Regulus’ forehead. He doesn’t even have the energy to flinch back.
“Shit, you feel fine, no fever. What is it, Reg, tell me what's wrong, please?” He leans in closer, and Regulus finally seems to snap back into reality, shaking his head as he goes to shove James back. The push doesn’t do much, but James seems to take the hint, stepping back anyways.
“Reggie, did they hurt you? Do you need help?” He whispers, sweet concern coating his words. Even so, Regulus doesn’t answer, his tongue feels heavy and dry in his mouth. He hears his mothers words, telling him to be good, telling him to stop even looking at Potter; he can still feel the pain of the dark object burning into his arm, marring his pretty skin, can still hear his own screams of agony as his dad keeps a straight face, not even a twitch in his lips as he tortures his son.
“Shit, shit, shit, maybe- maybe Sirius can help; he knows all about this, he’ll know how to help, how to… how to make this better,” James mutters, already reaching for Regulus, as if to take him away, to save him.
Regulus sneers, finally moving his heavy limbs and taking a step back, against the door. He looks back, out the window, and pulls the curtain shut, before turning back to James, who was staring at him with wide eyes. He hated the pity in them, hated the concern, hated how it churned his stomach and fluttered his chest even as his mothers words echoed in his ears.
“Fuck off, Potter.”
He cringes slightly at Regulus’ words, shaking his head. “Reggie-”
“Fuck. Off. Potter,” he repeats in a hiss, jabbing a finger at him as he narrows his eyes. Even the simple gesture rang warning bells of pain in his brain.
“You need help, Regulus. You look sick, you- you can hardly stand straight,” his voice is tight, eyebrows pinched. There wasn’t his usual flush covering his skin, the grin was gone, his eyes didn’t hold the usual hidden laughter. Regulus wanted him to smile, to at least stop looking at him like that.
Like Regulus was broken, unfixable.
“Get out,” he whispers, stepping away from the door, clearing the path for James to leave. He stares at the ground, not wanting to make eye contact, not wanting to see the hurt or worry. He also didn’t want to go back to his friends, though, for them to see him like this, for them to worry.
“No.” He snaps his eyes up, blinking as he grinds his teeth.
“What?” He hisses out, and James shifts slightly, shaking his head again.
“No, Regulus, you- I- I can help you. Please, let me help you,” he pleads, reaching his hands out.
Reaching out for his arm.
Regulus shoves backwards, tripping onto the bench with a soft cry of pain as he lands, and James freezes, letting out a slow breath.
“Leave, James, just leave,” he buries his face into his hand, rubbing it up and down his face. James is still frozen, staring at the boy in front of him. When he had last seen him, he had looked so well, so lively in comparison to the beginning of the year. His eye bags had gone, and the color had come back to his skin.
His eyes had a spark again, a spark of life.
And now it’s gone. All of it. His eye bags were back, ten times worse, he was pale, clammy and trembling.
And his eyes, those lifeless eyes, as if his soul had already left this world and now he’s just a lifeless body.
“I swear to Merlins grave and back, Potter, that if you don’t get out of this compartment right now I’ll curse you into a million shards and shove the pieces of you under the seat for someone to find.” James flinches at the sudden cold tone. All emotion had left his voice, and his hand had slipped over his eyes now, so all he could see was his mouth. Even his lips had lost the pink tinge to them, just as pale as the rest of him.
He swallows, adams apple bobbing, and he swipes a hand across his trousers, trembling slightly. Everything in him wanted to help, wanted to save him. He wanted to drag him across the train to Sirius so he could help heal him, help to find out what was wrong. He wanted to pull him into his arms and hold him, shield him from whatever his parents were doing to him, shield him from the horrors he faced every time he left the school and went back to that house.
But right now, on a moving train, he knew he couldn’t do anything, so instead, he lowers his head towards the ground, rubbing his eyes slightly. When he looks back up, Regulus was peeking lazily between his fingers. His other arm lay limp on the seat.
“Alright, Reg, I’ll see you after the feast, okay?” He murmurs, and for a moment, a look like surprise and almost disappointment flickers over the younger boys features, before its gone and he presses his lips together, turning his head slightly to the left, so he was staring out the window.
He doesn’t bother to reply as James slides the door open and leaves.
Regulus stays in there, his head turning towards the door as soon as he hears it close. Strangely, he wants to go after the boy, wants him to come back and hold him as he cries.
How stupid. Embarrassing. He wasn’t weak, he didn’t need anyone to hold him.
And even if he truly wanted to, he doesn’t think he could move his body to do so. Everything hurt, everything ached, not even the pepper up potion his mother shoved down his throat this morning seemed to fix it.
He turns back to the window, letting the peacefulness of darkness fall over him as he falls asleep.
“Regulus Arcturus Black! What the hell?” He startles awake, heart beating wildly as he chokes out a breath. He stumbles to his feet, ready to apologize, beg for forgiveness for whatever he did, but comes face to face with Dorcas instead, who looks surprised at his swiftness of rising as Pandora appears behind her, placing a hand softly on her shoulder.
“Dorcas, you scared him,” She murmurs, looking at Regulus with those same, knowing eyes she always stared at him with. The ones that made him simultaneously want to cover up and smile at her.
“Sorry- but Reg, for real? You stumble off looking half dead mumbling a lame ass excuse of having to use the restroom, and then never come back? What do you think we thought of that, huh? You scared the shit out of me, too, you know,” Her voice quiets slightly, and he shakes his head, hoping it clears the fogginess up.
“Sorry, Cas, I was just-” he realizes he didn’t have an excuse, and was too tired to come up with one as he shrugs slightly.
She stares at him for a moment, before sighing, shaking her head.
“Come on, the boys went ahead, we told them to go, we should catch up,” Pandora finally hums, smiling kindly at Regulus as he steps out, walking with them.
The hours blur by as the get into the great hall and sit to feats. Dumbledore rises for a speech, like usual, and everyone eats. Regulus doesn’t. He can’t stomach it. He pushes the potatoes around on his plate as he zones out the conversations going on around him. A dull ringing had started in his left ear, and his bones ached to the very core.
“-eg, REG!” He blinks, looking up at Barty, who cast him a concerned look. “We’re leaving, are you done? You didn’t eat much- of anything, to be honest, want to bring some stuff up?”
Regulus looks at his plate, still full, and then back up at Barty and Evan, who had joined him. He could see Pandora and Dorcas walking over as well, and suddenly he felt overwhelmed; claustrophobic.
He stands up, as quickly as he can, and shakes his head. “You guys go ahead, I’ll drop by the kitchens really quick and talk to the house elfs. They’ll probably make me soup- or a sandwich, which is all I really need right now,” he replies, trying to keep his voice steady.
He knows they see right through him, they always did, Merlin, they had helped him lie plenty of times to know the signs of it, but even so they let him walk away, out the door and down the left, where the kitchens were towards. As soon as he’s out of site from everyone, though, he immediately stops, leaning up against the wall as he shudders.
A wheezing breath, and then a broken huff as he whimpers lightly. He hurt. Everywhere. And he wanted to pull up his sleeve, take another look at the mark scarring his arm, but he was too scared, to shameful of what would be waiting. The thought alone could fill his eyes with tears, make him want to curl up and die.
His beautiful soul mark, destroyed, scarred, ruined.
Ugly.
Who would want this? Who could ever stand to look at it and still stand to call him beautiful? Who would ever think they deserved such a thing? Such a curse?
James didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve to have to be stuck with him.
“Reg?” Almost as if the thought of him alone had summoned him, lo and behold James, standing off to the side with a nervous expression.
He immediately straightens, swallowing thickly as James approaches him; approaches him as someone may approach a wounded, wild animal.
He watches him, curious and cautious as James approaches, blinking as he steps in front of him and gives him a soft smile.
“Hey, Reg,” he whispers, and Regulus gives him a tired, exasperated look.
“Potter. Didn’t think I had to take you so literally when you said you’d see me after the feast.”
“Doubted me? I made a promise, you know I’d never break it,” he winks, but theres a serious undertone to it, and Regulus watches suspiciously as James stuffs his hands into his pockets.
“Reg,” he repeats, and Regulus grinds his teeth together, avoiding his gaze. He had to get out of here, had to leave. If his mother somehow got word back he was talking to Potter, punishment would not be kind.
He hoped his father wouldn’t hear of it.
“Like saying my name, do you Potter?” He snaps, voice harsh. When he looks up, James doesn’t look amused, and his gaze slides over Regulus’ face, as if assessing him.
“Let me help you, Reg,” He murmurs, leaning in, and Regulus chokes on his breath. For a single moment, Regulus thinks he might kiss him. A fantasy, really, to even imagine such a thing, but the thought still slips through his mind, making him gasp slightly as he reels back slightly, blinking.
James doesn’t notice, or pretends not to, because he steps closer when Regulus steps back, trapping the younger boy against the wall. Regulus sneers, glaring, but James gives him that same look, like he can see right though him to his very soul.
He acts on defense, trying to rebuild the wall James so easily got past as he snaps, “Is this what you do to that poor Evans girl? No wonder she hates you.”
James doesn’t even flinch, not looking slightly hurt at what Regulus had said. Instead, he just quirks an eyebrow. “I know what you’re doing.”
“What?”
“You’re trying to build a wall, protect yourself. You hurt other people- or try to, to push them away, to make them stop caring,” his eyebrow pushes down as he continues, Regulus’ eyes wide, “I don’t know why you’d want to do that, why you don't accept the help, but I also helped Sirius, and I’ve figured out it must be a recurring trait in the family,” he tries for a humorous tone, but Regulus’ heart is beating too erratically, and that dull, ringing noise had also come back.
“You- you don’t know anything about me,” he rasps, trying so desperately to grasp at anything, to make him go away and leave him alone. At the same time, he wanted his help, wanted to lean into him and breath in his scent as James rubs soothing circles into his back.
“I think I may know you better than you think,” he whispers, angling his head towards Regulus’.
Regulus swallows, before grinding his teeth together and straightening. “Well you want to know something, Potter? I know what you’re doing as well,” he hisses, and the sudden change in conversation makes James blink, tilting his head sideways as Regulus continues, a cruel smile on his face. “You find things, people, broken and hurt, and try to fix them. You want to make them feel better because you can’t make yourself feel better. You help them to help yourself, a truly selfish thing. But I’m not some broken toy for you to put back together, Potter. I don’t want your help so that you can finally feel accomplished at something in your pitiful life.”
James stares, mouth open slightly, before he rolls his lips together. Hurt, it covered his features, seeped out of him, but he shakes his head, giving Regulus a look. “You’re doing it again.”
“Shut. Up,” he snarls, and James’ hand shoots out, grabbing his arm.
Everything stops as his eyes widen, dark spots over taking his vision as James speaks. “Come on, Regulus, please, let me help you. Let’s go to the hospital wing, we don’t have to say what really happened, you don’t have to tell me what happened, but- Reg? Reg?” Regulus falls to the side, and James’ arms shoot out, wrapping around him as he lets out a strangled noise.
“Shit, oh shit, oh Merlin, what happened? Are you okay? Please, please, you’re okay,” his voice is tight, brimming with fear and hysteria.
“I’m- I’m fine,” he huffs, stumbling to his feet as he clutches onto James' arm. James was still holding onto his arm, and Regulus wanted to scream. Instead, he grits his teeth to hold back a whimper as he tries to pull his arm away. James lets go immediately, eyes darting to his forearm.
“Is it there? Your forearm?” He reaches for it, and Regulus immediately snaps it out of his reach, clutching it to his chest.
“Reggie,” James whispers, eyebrows creasing, and Regulus shakes his head, glaring.
“Go away, Merlins sake, don’t you ever know when to leave someone alone, Potter? Don’t you know how to take a hint? Well, since, obviously, you can’t read in between the lines, let me tell you straight up, okay? I. Don’t. Like. You. I never liked you, I don’t know what made you think I do, or what I could have possibly done that made you think, ‘oh yes, this is a boy who absolutely adores me,’ but whatever it was, you were wrong. I don’t like you. I don’t tolerate you. To be honest, I dislike even looking at you, the mere sight makes me want to tear my eyes out and wring them. I know you think you know me, and what I act like, but truly, you don’t. You know nothing about me. One day, I will take after my mother and join her cause, and you will be rotting alone, because truly, no one can stand you, Potter. No one can stand being around you when you twitch and scream and you. never. stop. So there, I’ve laid it all out, no sugar coating, no getting around it, so do you understand now? Do you understand the absolute hatred and loathing I hold for you?” He hisses, a cruel smile twisting his lips.
James takes a step back, and then another, raising a hand up to run through his hair as he lets out a broken breath. A new pain had started thrumming along his forearm, but this one was different, colder than the ache of the stamp. This one made his heart hurt, too, made him want to scream and cry at James that truly, he did like him, he liked him more than either of them could truly know, but that same feeling, that same emotion was going to get both boys hurt.
“That- that was cruel, Regulus,” James finally says, and a knot raises into Regulus’ throat, choking him for one, horrible second, before he laughs. The laugh is quick and cold, and James sighs, blinking at the younger boy.
“I wonder, James, if this is the first time you’ve noticed me being mean to you. I knew you were dense, but this takes it a whole new level. I mean, truly, did you really think how I acted was me being nice to you?”
James swallows, and Regulus’ eyes follow the movement. Everything seemed too silent, a tenseness filling the air between them. Finally, finally, James opens his mouth.
“Let me help you, Regulus,” he pleads, eyes shining. Regulus grits his teeth, maybe to stop the plea for him to do it, for him to save him from spilling out of his lips. Instead, he shoulders past him, letting out another cruel laugh.
“Alright, Reg, I’ll see you at the tutoring sessions.” James calls. Regulus doesn’t reply, but neither of them expected him to.
Regulus was slipping again, sinking back into the crashing waves of the ocean. It was like- like he had been drowning before, but someone had rowed by in a boat, and told him to cling onto the side. He had listened, clutching onto the side with all his might, but it was slick in sea water, and he’d lost his grip, no time to cling back onto it as he once again got swallowed by the waves.
So there he was, drowning once again. Everyone was worried, his friends, his teachers, but he no longer had it in him to care, no longer had the energy to try and be better.
So, he slipped under, he fell behind in school, didn’t eat, hardly slept. Evan and Barty tried to bring Pandora and Dorcas in to fix him, but unlike the last time, it didn’t help. Couldn’t force him back to how he was before.
He skipped tutoring sessions, and went early to do prefect rounds alone. He avoided everyone and anyone who could possibly want to talk to him, including James.
And there he was, his head below the water as he held his breath.
He wouldn’t be able to hold it much longer.
Regulus had skipped every tutoring session. He had ditched James during rounds, and avoided him in the halls. He seemed to be getting worse, the eyebags got bigger, and he paid less attention.
He was worried, a deep, uncomfortable feeling settling in his gut. He wanted to help, he wanted to help so bad it hurt, physically.
He runs his thumb over his forearm, letting out a small sigh as he tries to pay attention to Professor Mcgonagall, he thinks over what Regulus had said to him.
Maybe he had crossed a line with what he had said, saying he had known Regulus. In a way, maybe he thought he had known the young boy, and maybe, in a way, he thought they were friends.
He was wrong on both, apparently, but it didn’t matter, it didn’t stop him from wanting to help, even after what he said.
I will take after my mother.
After everything he had said, all the cruel words and mean things, that’s what James caught the most. How Regulus planned to follow in his mothers footsteps.
James would do everything to stop that.
James had learned from Sirius that his mother expected the boys to take what was called a Dark Mark.
It was what Dark wizards took to join a sort of… group. One that involved hurting and torturing muggles and muggleborns. One that took pride in the pain of others. It didn’t have a leader, and no one knew how it really started, but to this day there were still wizards swearing dark and forcing their kids to take that path.
He may not know Regulus, but he knew he wasn’t like that.
He still remembered the first time the two had met, on the Hogwarts express when Sirius had introduced them.
“Boys! May I introduce you to my little brother, Reggie!” He had beamed, and Reg had flushed, curling his fingers in his robes as he bowed his head.
“It’s Regulus, Regulus Black,” he had murmured, voice soft and kind. Freckles were scattered across the bridge of his nose, along his cheeks, one under his bottom lip. James had thought they looked similar to the stars, the one Sirius had pointed out to him on the great lawn.
His face was round, with the cheeks of an innocent child, eyes wide and curious. His mouth had a natural downturn that set his lips into a constant pout, and James knew, he knew, that truly, if the boy asked him to empty his pockets of every last Galleon and give it to him, looked at him with those innocent, wide eyes, he would yield with a smile and pass them over.
“Well, Reggie, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” he had beamed, and Regulus had looked up at him, with those wide eyes, and flushed a pretty pink, sputtering out something about the pleasure being his before tilting to hide behind his brother, who let out a laugh and told him to stop being shy.
Regulus had changed since then, but they all had, and he knew that he wasn’t lost, that he shouldn’t be abandoned.
Didn’t deserve to be abandoned.
“Mr. Potter?” He snaps his head up, clearing his throat as he rises. The class was gone, and he had been alone with only professor Mcgonagall, who beckons him over.
“Mr. Potter. Lovely to see you love my class so much you wish to stay,” she muses, and James smiles awkwardly, as he takes a step towards the door.
“Sorry, professor. Zoned out for a moment.”
“It’s quite alright, James, I was hoping to talk to you for a moment anyways, if that is alright with you.”
He blinks, glances towards the door, and then nods, shuffling over towards her.
“So, Mr. Potter, how are the tutoring sessions going with Mr. Black lately?” She asks, shuffling through her papers. He blinks, scratching his head.
“Good- or, well, actually professor, can I tell you something?” He blurts out the question before he can really stop himself, and she raises a thin eyebrow, motioning towards the chair.
“You know you always can, James.”
He sits with a thud, rubbing his face. “To be honest, professor, Reg- Regulus hasn’t been coming to the tutoring sessions lately,” he rubs his forearm nervously as he hesitates, before continuing, “I’m kind of… worried. About him. He- I felt like me and him, we were, I don’t know, getting along, or at least tolerating each other. He was doing better again, back to being better than most seventh years, and now…” He trails off, and Mcgonagall gives him an assessing look, worry in her eyes.
“Ah, I feared something had happened. Mr. Black had been doing so well, and then after he came back from the holidays, he started to drop again. Teachers are worried, and he seems to be… closing himself off once more,” she murmurs, and he slumps down slightly, eyebrows creasing.
He was failing classes again? James had known Regulus was getting his grades up again, that he was once again excelling. Honestly, before the holidays , they probably didn’t even need tutoring anymore, he didn’t know why neither of them canceled it.
Maybe neither of them truly wanted to. He knows he enjoyed Regulus’ company. Maybe more than he should.
He jumps up suddenly, startling Mcgonagall who gives him an inquisitive look as he collects his belongings.
“Thanks, professor. I’m sure me and Regulus will be able to get back on schedule again. I’m sure he’s just in a slump, or something, after the holidays. I’ll go find him and I’ll talk to him!” He calls behind his shoulder, already rushing out the door.
Professor Mcgonagall laughs softly behind him.