Chapter 1
Regulus black was (once again) drowning in the darkest depths of his mind, barely having enough to surface for air before another wave of pain came crashing down on him. He was (once again) wondering why the world had decided to put him here only to curse him with the worst horrors of the world.
He takes a deep breath, folding his last shirt into the trunk, and places the books he had yet to place on top.
He was once again wondering why- why was he fighting to stay in a world that didn’t even want him?
Nothing ever wanted him.
It had been almost a full year since Sirius had left. Since Sirius had packed up and ran away, not even a note or goodbye. He didn't know why he was still so affected by it- it’s not like they were friends, or even really communicating before he had left, so why did it matter so much? Why did he feel like he was slowly being consumed by the house, as if it crushed and suffocated him, ever since he had been gone? It shouldn’t affect him.
Still, no matter how many times he tried to convince himself it didn’t hurt, it did hurt. It hurt very, very much.
No matter how many times he’s seen his brother from across the courtyard, walking and laughing with his group of friends- with Potter, it never hurt any less.
‘He’s the brother I’ve always wanted, the one I’ve always needed.’
Regulus physically cringes, curling into himself as he blinks back tears. He has to squeeze his eyes to stop them from falling, letting out gasping breaths as he presses himself forward into the trunk. With how hard he was clenching his hands, he wouldn’t be surprised if there were marks, maybe even blood. He would relinquish the pain, like he always did, because at least then he knew he could still feel something. Sometimes, he felt as if he was going numb to everything, physically and mentally.
It scared him.
He lets out another choked breath, slowly sitting up. He had to stop doing this, had to stop thinking about him. It didn’t matter- it shouldn’t matter what Sirius was doing, or where he was, or how he was, not anymore. He was gone.
(And Regulus was still here.)
Still, he couldn’t help wishing he was in Potter's place whenever he saw them walking, arm in arm, laughing, because he knew that used to be him. He used to be Sirius' favorite person.
Even if he hadn’t been for a long, long time, he could still remember when he was. He missed those times.
Two weeks later.
Sirius idled in the hallway, trying to inconspicuously glance towards his brother, who stood with his group of friends a few feet away from him. He was making a show of not looking towards him; not sparing him a single glance as they finally started moving and he brushed right past him. He can’t help the sharp pain of sadness that shoots through his stomach, causing him to want to curl into a ball and stay like that. He might as well have kicked him in the gut and spit on him while he was down.
He should have expected this- he had run away after all. He was a disgrace, a blood traitor, someone a pristine pure blood should never be associated with.
It still hurt. It hurt very, very much.
Every time he saw his little brother, all he wanted to do was take care of him. He wanted to check up on him, to make sure their parents weren’t treating him too badly (though he was their little prince, so he doubted he could do ‘any wrong,’) to make sure he was eating enough, or getting enough sleep.
He had eyebags under his eyes lately, dark and prominent on his pale skin. He wanted to force him to bed while brushing the hair out of his eyes, like he used to.
“Sirius!” James laughs, and Sirius blinks, startled from his thoughts as he turns to his best friend, “we’ve been looking for you! Where’ve you been, mate?” Sirius gives his best smile, laughing alongside James as he lets him pull him down the hallway.
He spared one more glance towards his little brother, who had turned to stare at them. Regulus immediately snaps his head away when they make eye contact, an angry flush coating up his necks and onto his cheeks, making Sirius smile sadly.
“I guess I should stop looking out for him, huh Prongs?” He mutters, and James glances back, slowing his pace as he gives him a startled look, before seeing his brother and connecting the dots.
“It’s alright, Pads.” James replies, rubbing his shoulder lightly.
James was really, and truly, exhausted. He had a heavy fatigue in his bones he didn’t know if a month of slumber could cure. He felt like his hair was more matted down than usual, and he had huge eye bags under his eyes. He physically could not stop himself from yawning for the fourth time in ten minutes as he glances at his book, rubbing his eyes.
He had also been thinking about his soulmark lately, which he still didn’t have. At seventeen, he had hoped it might magically show up when he woke up. He had stripped and searched his entire body, even for the smallest sign of one.
There wasn’t one, of course. Just like every other year. So he was sad, just like every other year. He couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt- especially when he saw the ones his friends had, like Sirius with the little crescent shape on his shoulder blade, or Remus with the paw on his inner thigh, or Peter with a wing on his back.
It hurt, but other people hurt worse for much more troublesome things, like Sirius with his brother, per say.
His hands fidget under the table, and he wonders if he rests his head for a moment if Minnie would yell at him.
He was prefect now, so he had duties to fulfill. One of those duties included keeping his grades up, which so far he had been able to achieve.
Except in potions, but that didn’t count because potions was stupid and he would get it up somehow.
“And, Mr Potter, what are your thoughts on today's lessons so far?”
His head snaps up as he clamps his teeth down to restrict himself from yawning. “Uhm- well, I know now how to best reverse an accidental transfiguration without before knowing what the original object is?”
Professor Mcgonagoll nods her head as she continues on with the lesson, and James physically feels himself sigh with relief as he rests his head on the table.
By the end of class, Sirius and Peter are laughing so hard that they are doubled over, and Remus is shushing them and rushing them out of class. James is quick to follow, before he’s called back by professor Mcgonagoll, who’s smiling at him.
“Mr. Potter, how are you doing lately?” She asks, and he blinks, rubbing at his tie.
“Well, thank you Professor.” He replies unsurely, not really knowing where she was going and hesitant to let her continue.
“Good. I know you have a lot on your shoulders this year, as it is your seventh year, and you’re also Prefect and captain of your quidditch team, which I suppose I owe you a congratulations on,” he nods along with what she’s saying as she goes on, “but I do have a favor to ask of you.”
She rifles through her desk, shuffling through papers, before pulling out one and handing it to him. He glances at it for a second, before right back up at her as he waits for her to continue.
“This student seems to be struggling in my class lately- which is strange, since he’s usually an all O and E student. More recently, for this past year, he has been getting D’s, and even T’s. He also seems to be struggling in some other classes, along with this one, and I was hoping, since you are my most excelling student in this year, you could help him study, and tutor him? He is also prepping for N.E.W.T, since he’s in sixth year, so maybe you could help him with that as well.”
Looking down at the paper once again, James nods along as he scans it, reading pretty much what she had just said.
It’s not like he had enough stress on his shoulders, with team captain, and Prefect N.E.W.T’s exams coming up. But as he looked up at Professor Mcgonagall- his favorite professor by far, he had trouble straight up saying no, so he glances back down at the paper again as he finished reading it.
Regulus Black.
James does a double take at that, gaping as he snaps his head up towards Mcgonagall once again, who was waiting patiently.
“Does this have the right name? Regulus Black, the Regulus Black?” He asked, looking extremely taken aback.
At that, Mcgonagoll sighs, nodding her head. “Yes, Regulus Black has been struggling in his classes lately, unfortunately. I feel he is very stressed by something, but he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it much. He knows my doors are open whenever he might need,” she waves a hand towards her door, which at the moment, was closed.
“But- but he’s struggling? Isn’t he above most seventh years at this point?”
Mcgonagoll seemed to be growing slightly frustrated, as she lets out another sigh. “Yes, James, he is struggling with his classes. It is alright if you don’t want to do it, but if you don’t I will have to find someone else too, so the paper please,” she holds her hand out, and James goes to hesitantly hand it back, before pausing and pulling it back.
“I- I’ll do it,” he coughs, rubbing his neck, and the professor seems surprised by this, before giving the boy a small smile as he rubs the back of his neck.
“Alright, lovely. The first session will be tonight, and you two boys can work out a better schedule. I know both of you happen to be Prefects, so I hope you can find a way around that.” With that, she gives him another smile, a biscuit, and dismisses him.
He trudges nervously back to his dorm, folding the paper into his hands. He really didn’t know why he asked, but he dreaded breaking the news to Sirius, who had been quite sad about his brother anyways. He probably didn’t need to know this- not that James wouldn’t tell him anyways, because he deserved to know, even if he probably shouldn’t.
So when he gets back to the dorm, he clears his throat and nervously hands the paper to Sirius, who raises an eyebrow and scans over it.
Its clear when he’s finished, because his face got that impassive look it often got whenever anyone tried to bring his brother up.
“What's this?” He mumbles, and Remus leans over his shoulder, his eyes running over the paper.
“Uhm- It’s from professor Mcgonagoll, she asked me to tutor a student, and I agreed,” he replied, twisting his fingers together nervously.
“Regulus… needs tutoring?” He finally glances up, eyes wide and glassy as he stares at James, who had finally begun to move towards him when he realized Sirius wasn’t mad.
“Yes- or that’s what Minnie said. She said he was failing most of his classes now, or something. I thought it was strange as well, since, you know, he’s like top of the whole school,” James mutters, trailing off at the end. Sirius nods, staring back down at the paper as his hands clench in it.
“I- I wonder why he’s failing his classes,” he pauses, and then his head snaps up as he meets James eyes, a new emotion falling over his features- fear, “James, Merlin, they’ll kill him if he fails his classes!”
James' heart breaks a little, the way his best friend is obviously worried for his brother who he supposedly no longer cared about. He immediately throws an arm over his shoulder, shaking him lightly. “Don’t worry about that, mate, I’ll handle it. I’ll have him top of classes once again!”
So that’s how James ended up awkwardly sitting in Professor Mcgonagolls empty classroom, as he waited for someone who he didn’t know would show. He tapped his quill against the table, books at the ready on the sides. He had paper, and everything else he may need for this- except the student he was supposed to be tutoring.
He glances at the watch on his wrist once more, biting his lip as he twists his fingers into his shirt.
“Hello.”
His knee slams into the table, knocking over the bottle of ink- which had luckily been capped. He stands it back up quickly, looking wide eyed at the boy in front of him.
Regulus.
“Oh.” He looked, in the nicest way possible, exhausted. He had dark, purple eye bags under his eyes, and his skin was paler than he thinks he may have ever seen someone's skin be, and trust him, he has seen some white people before (sirius). And when he met his eyes, he had to physically stop himself from flinching, because he looked so dead. His eyes were completely vacant of anything, an emotion or light of any kind.
Regulus raises an eyebrow, which doesn’t liven up his face much, and James stutters over his words, resorting his stuff.
“Sorry, you snuck up on me, you were so quiet, like a ghost,” he laughs lightly, but this only seems to make Regulus frown more, who glares down at him with an unreadable expression. James squirms under his gaze, clearing his throat again nervously.
“I’m told that a lot,” he replies, after a moment of silence, and his voice sounds mocking.
“Uhm- why don’t you take a seat,” he waves his hand at the chair in front of him, and looking very unwilling and the least bit impressed, Regulus slides into the seat, dropping his bag onto the floor with a thunk.
It’s quiet for another moment, and James tries to get rid of the uncomfortable silence, he starts shuffling through the books. “So, do you want to tell me which subject you struggle with most? We can start with that.”
When he’s met with no answer, he glances up at Regulus, who’s glaring at the books in front of James as if they were the most offensive thing on the planet. He turns his glare towards James, and James, once again, has to stop himself from flinching. This time, he lets out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes.
“Look, Regulus, it’s obvious neither of us want to be here very much, okay? So why don’t we just work together to get your grades up so we can carry on our merry ways and you don’t get murdered by your parents.” He slams the next book on to the table, and Regulus flinches at the noise, making James cringe.
He then goes on to regret all his life choices as Regulus turns the most scathing, unkind, spiteful glare onto James that he’d ever seen before, teeth clenched as slight redness fills his cheeks. James is almost distracted by the color, how it seems to actually bring him to life again, before he’s immediately snapped out of it as Regulus slowly leans forwards, hands clenched onto the end of the table.
Yikes. If looks could kill, he’d be way more than six feet under.
“Excuse me?” He says it so quietly, so calmly, that James finally does flinch, and he drops his head back, scrubbing a hand down his face as he sighs.
“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”
“What makes you think my parents would kill me?”
He glances at him, to make sure he’s not joking, but he looks dead serious and calm as he gives James a cold, calculating stare.
“I know… about your family, Reg- and you know, if you ever need-”
“What makes you think someone like you could know anything about my family? A stupid blood traitor who hangs out with his muggleborn friends?” He spits, venom coating his words.
He blinks, wide eyed. “Sirius-”
“Sirius is no longer a part of this family,” he cuts off, and James finally returns the glare Regulus had been giving him, his eyes narrowing at the young boy.
“He had to get out of that house. They would’ve killed him!”
“I am not talking about this. Especially with you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
Regulus gives him a cool look, before leaning back into his chair and pointing lazily at the table. James glances down, at his transfiguration notebook, and then back up at Regulus, who was glaring again.
“You’re the worst at transfiguration?” He asks, genuinely surprised even though this was the class that started the whole thing. Regulus turns his glare towards the table, and color fills his cheeks once again as he clenches his hands.
“Yes,” he snaps, and James clears his throat, nodding.
“Alright, that’s fine. Professor Mcgonagoll told me you mainly started slipping this year, so we’ll start at the beginning of the module.”
James treks back to the dorm more exhausted than he thought was possible. When he’s laying over in bed, thinking about the past hour and a half, he thinks about how Regulus had called Muggleborns simply that- muggleborns. He thought about the color that filled his cheeks, even if it was from anger, and most of all, he thinks about his eyes. So dead and empty.
He falls to sleep dreaming about him, dreaming of soulmarks and soulmates, and grey eyes. He dreams of ways to fill those eyes with light.