The cries fall to a sudden silence as everything becomes a blur.
He can see his cousin laughing as he fades away. His godson, his best friend’s son, frozen in a scream reaching for him in slow motion, only to be brought to a halt with scarred arms holding him back. He’s crying, they both are. It takes him a second to realise why, it takes him another second to scream awake.
Everything hurts as he looks around the red surrounding his vision, its all blurred to match the tears racing for the finish line past his chin. He cant breath. Dead.
Sirius Black is dead.
“Sirius?” Right?
He looks besides him and freezes. Amber eyes burning into him with so much love it hurts. When was the last time Remus looked at him like this? Like twelve years was only twelve seconds? Heaven could really be a place he could get used to. Well, if it wasn’t for the fear embedding Remus’ features.
His mouth is moving but all Sirius can hear is that he’s loved, and he loves back, for the first time since his skin turned cold and his heart smashed to the beat of a hammer, Sirius is loved, and he loves back.
“Sirius?! Can you hear me?” His voice is so soft when he asks, so soft and so pretty and so... worried. What a feeling to be loved.
Sirius nods, afraid to speak in case Remus’ face distorts into anger and fury, its a hot look, but terrifying all the same.
“Sirius, love. What’s wrong?” Love. That’s all he can hear, Love. “Sirius?”
“Yes?” He doesn’t realise his voice had the power to crack that much in just one word, but it does. He can ignore the pain hidden beneath the surface for now, because Remus is right here, so close and so perfect and so full of love.
“Love, you’re crying” Remus brings his hands up to wipe at the tsunami Sirius can barely feel. He flinches back though, maybe afraid that he’ll wake up the moment he feels touch, the moment he feels the love. He’s not ready to wake up yet, he’s not ready for Heaven to turn to Hell, deciding he’s not good enough for this, he’s not ready.
“Nightmare?” He hopes he doesn’t awake into the nightmare before the veil.
Oh, the veil.
That’s where he was.
“Remus?”
“Yes, love? I’m right here”
“Where am I?” He looks around again. Heavens too red compared to what he imagined. Red curtains. If he just reaches out to touch, maybe he’d hear Harry call him for the last time again, or maybe even the first. Either one would be good enough.
“You’re at Hogwarts, Our bed, in Gryffindor Tower” The concern levels out slightly at the recap of his life. “Oh” Not bad, Heaven knows when to make him feel better. Good.
He sees three other beds past the fold of the curtain he unveiled, and he cant help but think: Home. This is home.
Isn’t it?
“Remus?” He feels a hand enclose around his in answer and looks back up to see Remus, eyes still full of all the love the last decade took away from them. What year have they found themselves revising? “What’s the year?”
“1978”
“Oh” He looks back at the bed opposite the one He's in as snores hug his ears. Peter was always a loud snorer. But even now, it still reminds him of home, considering what Peter did. He’s still represented in his vision of home. Lucky bastard.
“Am I dead?” He cant help when the question leaves his mouth.
If he’s dead, he can forgive Peter. He can see James. He can love Remus. He can forget everything else. That’s okay. He likes to forget.
“Of course not. Sirius, whatever happened, you’re safe now” And he can feel it. The safety is in Remus’ arms begging to be opened to make room for Sirius, who’s vision instantly fades away again. Remus is nothing but a blur of colour, folding within another, Red with gold and grey and brown. All the colours of home: Of Remus.
“Are you dead?”
“We’re all alive?” We are?
“James?” He has a tattoo for James on his arm, Its an antler. Nothing special, but it reminds him of a better time, he cant help but look for it as he speaks the name. But no many how many times he turns over his wrist, no tattoo can be found. None at all.
Oh heaven, taking away the sweetest of things that gave him just the littlest bit of feelings. Rude.
“In his bed” That’s nice, James deserves to sleep, he’s always up at a stupid hour for quidditch, and don’t get Sirius wrong, he loves quidditch just as much as Moony hates it, but he would never wake up at five in the morning to go practise. He just has better things to do, like admire Remus, and ignore the fact he’s alive, and so is James and so is- And so is James?
“He is?”
“Yeah. He’s sleeping. Pads, whatsup?”
James is asleep, so is Peter. Its 1978. Harry doesn’t exist. Sirius is alive.
Nightmare?
Before Sirius can think another thought, he rushes to his feet, wobbly from the veil, no, from the tears, from the panic, but not the veil. Never the veil.
He’s beside James’ bed before he even acknowledges it. He falls to his feet faster. Because there. Right there. Is James Potter.
James and his open mouth mid snore, James and his hair Peter liked to use as a pillow substitute despite James’ dismay due to lack of length, James and James and James fucking breathing.
Breathing.
Breath-
Sirius can’t breath.
Remus is by his side in an instant, holding him into his chest as he heaves out harsh sobs that had been building in his chest since James had- no. He’s breathing, James is breathing and Sirius is dying. Breath.
“I cant-“
“I know, I know. Just copy me, ok? In. And out. In- Sirius C’mon, do as I do, ok?”
“I can’t. Remus”
“Si- “
“He’s dead”
“No. No. James is here, see?” Just to prove Remus’ point, James, the git, lets out a snore thst blocks out the sound of Peters. Peter. Peter?!
“Peter?”
“In hi- “He already knows. Remus doesn’t need to tell him, anyone who could hear Peter snore everyday for seven years would know exactly where he is. Not heaven. Not dead. A dream. Nightmare. Peter.
He’s on his feet again just as fast as he fell. He needs to see the proof, or else this may not be real.
He’s sprawled out on top of his covers, looking as young and healthy as ever, no rat could resemble this. But then again.
“Dream?”
“Nightmare by the looks of it. Do you want to talk about it?” He shakes his head. No. Not if this could be a dream instead. Not if they swapped positions in his life. He hasn’t talked about his feelings since Harry. And Harrys not even real, so since... Since... Since Azkaban? No, that didn’t happen, he doesn’t have his tattoo. So, it didn’t happen. He doesn’t have- His tattoos are gone.
He rushes to the bathroom, ignoring the shift coming from James’ bed, signalling he’s awake. He blocks out the echo of Remus talking to him, Of James, as he stares at himself, and for the first time. For the first fucking time, he’s happy to see himself before him. No tattoos, hair short enough to fit a mullet, ear piercings still in style, nail polish chipped. Alive.
Sirius Black is alive.
“Padfoot?”
“I’m alive.” That’s all he says before he laughs, shaking his head and turning to Remus, who looks shocked at his words but walks forward nonetheless. “Pads?”
“Moony. I’m alive”
“I know. Wh-“ He’s shut up pretty fast by the smack of Sirius’ lips on his, Because Sirius can do that. He does do that, he always does that, and it resurrects him. Remus kisses back, and he’s alive. Remus kissed him back to life.
Sirius is happy to say he’s alive. Remus is alive. James is alive. Peter. Lily’s alive. Alice and Frank are ok. Holy shit, Marlene’s alive so by extension so is Dorcas, and so is Pandora and R... And yeah, he’s alive too. They’re all alive.
Remus pulls away, hands cupping Sirius’ cheeks, thumbs catching each tear that falls “You’re crying again”
“Sorry. I’m ok, just- like you said”
“Nightmare?”
“It was fucking horrible”
“Well, if you died, I can only imagine it was”
“Don’t imagine.” He kisses the palm of Remus’ hand “Just live”
“I’m living”
“Thank fuck for that”
Sirius goes back to bed, in the arms of home, Remus.
It takes him awhile to fall asleep again, but when he does, He does so breathing. Finally breathing with half of his heart in his chest and the other half beating throughout the room, enclosing his friends in an invisible embrace meant only for the nightmare he’d relive for a thousand times over, meant for a memory, but meaning so much more.
He has to remind Harry sixteen years later, that living is so worth it in the end. After all, he knows what it feels like to die, he knows life is so much easier to get through, he knows, because its harder to fall asleep when you’re dead, its easier when you’re breathing, even if it takes awhile to do so, its not impossible.
For the first time ever, maybe the second, when his own son is born: Teddy Leo Lupin, He’s so happy to be alive.
Sirius is alive, and damn is he good at it.