Remus Lupin has shared a bed with many people over the years. If the sheets could talk, they would tell all kinds of stories; ones of innocence and support, of friendship and laughter, of romance and desire.
Hope Lupin
May 1965
The day after the Full Moon, his mother did not leave his side.
It was his first Full Moon and, being only five years old, he didn't understand the complexities of what had happened the night before. He didn't understand why he had woken up in the garden shed, bruised and battered and lying in a pool of red. He didn't understand why his father suddenly looked at him differently or why his mother had tears in her eyes when she whispered soothing words and held him tight. What he did know was that he was hurt and that he would never be the same.
"It's okay, cariad," his mam whispered, over and over and over again, as if repeating the words would somehow make them true. "It's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay."
Despite being wrapped in the comforting circle of his mother's arms, Remus knew there and then, even at such a young age, that it was not going to be okay. His life was going to be different – he was going to be different, and probably not in a good way. He clung to his mother and let her words wash over him, wishing he could do something to stop the tears in her eyes.
After three days, her voice stopped shaking, her eyes stopped watering, and she finally slept in her own bed. The next Full Moon, she did not stay in Remus's bed, but she did stay by his side.
Peter Pettigrew
October 1971
After a month at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Remus was beginning to feel more than a little homesick. He was enjoying his time at the boarding school. He was enjoying the new lessons and experiences, meeting different people and eating different foods, but it was a lot. He was not used to it; the socialising and the roommates and the near-constant noise. He was used to being alone, he was used to quiet evenings with his parents, and he was missing his home desperately.
But he quickly found that he was not alone.
Peter Pettigrew, his roommate and fellow Gryffindor, was also feeling homesick and it wasn't long before the other boy was climbing into his bed. The first time it happened, Remus was confused. Growing up where he did and how he did, he didn't have many friends, so he wasn't sure if it was normal behaviour for two boys to share a bed, but he and Peter talked, and it made him feel better, so he let it happen.
"Can I sleep here tonight?" Peter asked, the third time it happened. "S'cold outside."
Remus shook his head and replied, "I don't mind. Unless you snore."
Peter covered his mouth to muffle his laughter and said, "I don't fink I do."
And so, throughout October and November, they climbed into each other's beds intermittently and talked until they no longer felt lonely. Sometimes they had sleepovers, other times they just talked and then went back to their own beds. There were no rules, and they didn't talk about it during the daylight hours.
After two months of quiet chats and occasional sleepovers, it stopped – but only because James Potter and Sirius Black, their other roommates, had decided to make friends with them in December and had distracted them so much with food and pranks and jokes that they forgot to feel homesick or alone at all.
Sirius Black
September 1973
After a fortnight back at school, Remus found himself being woken up in the early hours by his friend and roommate.
This was not unusual. For a long while, he and Sirius had been waking each other up and talking late into night whenever one of them had a nightmare – ever since Sirius found out about Remus's furry little problem and the underlying meaning behind his night terrors, and ever since Remus found Sirius covering up bruises on his ribs following the Christmas of their second year and discovered that most of Sirius's nightmares stemmed from abuse at the hands of his mother.
"Remus? Are you awake?"
Remus grunted and squinted against the dim wand light. "Sirius?"
"Yes."
"What..." He trailed off, unsure what to ask: what time it was, or what his friend wanted. In the end, he asked, "What's wrong – are you okay?"
Sirius hesitated for a long second.
"Bad dream?" he guessed.
Sirius nodded once, and then asked, "Can I come in?"
Remus shifted over to give his friend space, and Sirius climbed into the bunk and under the covers without hesitation. He extinguished his wand and muttered a quiet thank you. Remus offered a smile that he knew his friend could likely not see in the dim light streaming in through the curtains.
"So, um... what happened?"
Sirius exhaled quietly and answered, "Nothing. I can't really remember that much of it. I just remember my mother's face and the wine cellar and darkness."
"Did... Did anything happen in the summer?" he asked carefully, watching the silhouetted profile of his friend. "You can tell me, if you want to. You know I won't tell anyone."
Sirius turned to him, his grey eyes seeming to shine in the low light. His stare was piercing, just on the edge of uncomfortable.
"Have you... Have you ever thought that – that someone who should love you actually hates you instead?" he asked instead of answering Remus's question, which was kind of an answer in itself.
Remus hesitated, unsure if he should answer honestly or if he should just say no, but he quickly realised that he couldn't lie to Sirius. If he wanted truth, he knew that he had to be willing and prepared to give it too. With a silent sigh, he turned onto his back and stared up at the red canopy above his bed.
"My dad," he answered, feeling Sirius's eyes on him. He struggled not to fidget under the other's gaze and explained, "Ever since I got bit, he doesn't... He pretends that I don't exist anymore. I mean, he doesn't look at me or spend time with me. Not like he used to. He obviously can't ignore me completely when there's only three of us in the house, but he does his best. We used to play Hide and Seek, and he used to read to me, but then I got bit, and it was like I wasn't me to him anymore. Now, I'm just some... thing that lives in his house."
Sirius was silent for a long moment – so long that Remus wondered if he had fallen asleep – then a hand slipped into his and gave a reassuring squeeze. There was a brief moment where Remus wondered if this was normal behaviour, if friends often held hands, but then he remembered how tactile the other boy was, and he remembered that his friends were not normal and neither was he, so he wasn't all that bothered about it. It felt nice, anyway.
"Remus, that's shit."
Remus snorted at the blunt statement and muttered, "Yeah, it... Well, it is what it is." He paused, but when Sirius said nothing else, he ventured, "Who, um – who do you think hates you?"
Sirius hesitated for a moment, then mumbled, "I don't know if she hates me, exactly."
Remus hummed but did not say anything. He knew that pushing Sirius into confession could only lead to one thing: an angry and sullen boy who would glare at and/or ignore everyone for days. He had seen it before; he had learned from James's mistakes, and from Professor McGonagall's attempts. He knew that Sirius needed time, that it was difficult for Sirius to trust people and that he would speak when he wanted to, if he wanted to. He could not be forced into talking. Gentle questions, sure, but demands, no.
"My mother made me stay in the wine cellar for three days when I returned from school this past summer."
Remus frowned, "Why?"
Sirius shrugged and looked away. "She said that it was a punishment for all of the detentions I had gotten, but I don't know," he said. "She hasn't looked at me the same since I started here. Since I got sorted into Gryffindor. She looks at me like I'm a disappointment; like I'm betraying her by not believing in the same things as her. I don't know how to explain it, but I just... I don't know."
"You don't have to stay there, you know."
Sirius turned to frown at him, "What?"
"I just mean – Sorry," he stumbled, nervous because he didn't know what the expression on Sirius's face meant. "I just meant that you have us; me and James and Pete. If you ever wanted to – to leave that place, you could, you know, stay with one of us. I don't know how welcoming my house would be, but James, he always talks about you living with him, and I'm sure Peter wouldn't mind."
Sirius released his hand and sat up to stare down at him. "I can't just leave," he said. "That doesn't – Regulus needs me, and my father – he would be so angry if I left, and my mother, she isn't... She's just..." He huffed and frowned at Remus. "Why don't you leave, huh? From what you've told me, your home life isn't so grand. James would happily take you in."
"I-I have my mam," he explained quietly. "She loves me, even if my dad doesn't. I can handle a few sour looks. Can you handle what you go through?"
Sirius stared at him for a long second. "I can't just leave, Remus. It's not that simple," he said, but he didn't explain further.
Remus knew there was more to it – politics and duty and other aristocratic rich-people things – so he didn't push it and instead said, "I know. I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean to overstep. I just meant that you don't have to put up with it. If it ever gets too much, you have options."
Sirius hummed and lay down again.
"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to—"
"I know. It's fine."
"Right... sorry, still."
"Stop apologising."
"Sorry. I mean – bugger."
Sirius huffed a laugh, then sighed and said, "I know I have options, Remus. It's just – things are complicated. Certain things are expected of me; I can't just run away. And my mother... she wasn't always like this. I can make things better again. I know I can."
Remus didn't know what to say to that, so he didn't say anything.
Sirius glanced at him again and said, "I'll think about it, okay? But I can handle it, right now."
Remus nodded and took hold of Sirius's wrist in a show of solidarity. "Okay," he said.
Sirius smiled and responded with, "You have options too, you know."
"I know," he hummed, giving Sirius's wrist a squeeze. "Do you want to sleep here tonight?"
Sirius nodded and they shuffled until they were comfortable: both on their backs, some space between them because the beds at Hogwarts were ridiculously big.
"Goodnight, Remus."
"Night, Sirius."
That was not the first time Sirius had climbed into his bed, and it wouldn't be the last. They were both prone to nightmares and had both comforted one another after such terrors. Sometimes they stayed with each other, other times they went back to their own beds with their night terrors pushed so far away that they forget the original reason they had climbed into the other's bed in the first place.
(In the summer between their fifth and sixth years, Sirius ran away from Grimmauld Place and went to live with the Potters at their estate. Remus didn't know if it was because of their conversation in their third year or James's persistence or Peter's pointed looks, but he was glad all-the-same that Sirius was away from that toxic family and safe with the Potters.)
James Potter
December 1974
One cold winter night, James slipped into his bed without warning or preamble, casting a quiet Muffliato and staring at him with a pensive frown on his face.
Remus was spending the Christmas holidays at Hogwarts and he was loving it. He couldn't explain it, but wintertime at the school just felt more magical: snow covered the castle, decorations seemed more vibrant, the atmosphere was festive and lively, and the students were permitted to go to Hogsmeade every weekend throughout December. This year was particularly special as Remus and the other Marauders were the only fourth year Gryffindors staying in the Tower.
"Hi," James muttered, looking down at his fidgeting hands.
Remus sat up and watched his friend carefully, unsure why James was casting quieting charms when the others were completely out (if the snores from Peter's bed and the snuffles from Sirius's bed said anything).
"Hello," he replied, unsure what else to say.
By his fourth year at the boarding school, Remus had shared a bed with all three Marauders at some point or other, but he wasn't used to James sneaking into his bed to talk alone. Normally it was Peter (who had infrequent bouts of prank-planning energy or homesickness) or Sirius (who had horrid nightmares and sometimes needed someone to talk to or just be there).
"Can I lie down?" James asked.
Remus did not reply. He just shifted over and lay back down, then waited as James followed suit and lay down next to him. James turned onto his side and Remus took a second to stare at his friend: wild hair, bronze skin, no glasses. He looked weird without his glasses. Or maybe it was the thin line of hair growing above his top lip that made him look different.
"You okay?"
"No. I think..." James hesitated but huffed and said, "I think I fancy someone."
Remus paused because that was not what he had been expecting to come out of his friend's mouth, but he couldn't exactly say that he was surprised.
Fourth year had arrived, and puberty had hit them all hard. (Much harder than it had the year before.) They were all dealing with changes to their bodies, to their minds, to their entire selves. They were being forced into new hygienic routines and they were discovering new feelings and urges. The past year or so had been a series of unideal thoughts, surprise boners, and mood swings. And they were all noticing girls in decidedly different ways. Crushes were only a matter of time, really.
"Oh," he replied before he realised that was not exactly a good response and added, "Yeah?"
James nodded against the pillow, "Yeah."
For a second, Remus wondered why James hadn't snuck into Sirius's bed. It seemed like the pair were attached at the hip sometimes: two beings sharing one brain. But maybe Sirius already knew.
"Don't tell Sirius," added James.
Oh. So Sirius didn't know. Okay, then.
"Why not?" he asked before he had a chance to think about it.
James shrugged and said, "I think he'll take the piss."
Remus hummed quietly in agreement because that sounded exactly like something Sirius would do.
Sirius Black was a wind-up merchant, no doubt about it. He loved to press buttons, to push boundaries, to see how close he could fly to the sun before getting his wings burnt. Not two days ago, Peter had admitted to thinking Hestia Jones was pretty during a game of Truth or Dare and Sirius had called him gross for it – and had then proceeded to tease Peter about it at every available opportunity.
"Plus, I don't think he likes girls," James mused aloud, turning onto his back to stare at the red canopy above them.
"Huh?"
"Like – I mean – I don't think he likes girls the way I like girls or the way you like girls or the way Pete likes girls," he added. "You know? I mean, I don't think he finds them... appealing."
"Oh."
Remus took a second to think about this and he wondered if Sirius was like that – like those boys who fancied other boys instead of girls.
He had heard about them before. He had heard the slurs thrown around in the corridors and the whispered rumours about those two seventh years, but he had never paid much attention to any of it because, as far as he was concerned, people were going to be what they were, and it was none of his business. But he had to admit that the evidence was there for Sirius and he didn't really know what to think about it, so he decided not to. If Sirius was like that... well, it didn't really matter.
"So, uh, who is it you like?" Remus asked in attempt to get the conversation back on track.
James hesitated for a long moment. Then he said, "Evans."
Evans.
As in Lily Evans.
As in Lily Evans who James had spent his entire Hogwarts career thus far tormenting and getting hexed from.
Remus almost laughed, but he managed to stop himself. "Evans?" he asked.
James sighed dramatically and answered, "Yeah. Evans."
"Lily Evans?"
"Yep."
"Lily Evans who you've basically tortured ever since you met her?"
"The very same."
"Oh, that's..."
"Awful," finished James. "It's awful. She hates me."
"Well, 'hate' is a strong word—"
"No, no. She hates me," James interrupted. "She calls me 'toerag' and 'prat' and... she does not like me. I mean, I get it. I've been a prat to her but she's just so... She's so pretty. Her hair and her eyes and— Yesterday she called me pea-brained dolt and I don't think I've ever fancied someone as much."
Remus lay there quietly, wondering how he could contribute to the conversation. He had to admit that Lily Evans, with her shining ginger hair and emerald green eyes and strong-willed opinions, was very pretty. He might even fancy her himself, if he was being truly honest.
"I think there's something wrong with me," mumbled James.
"Yeah, probably," muttered Remus with a grin.
"Shut up," James laughed, shoving him feebly.
"So, what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know," he answered with a shrug. "Nothing? I mean, I'm fourteen. It'll go away. I just needed to tell someone, you know? I didn't think Sirius would get it, and I thought Pete might talk about how fit Hestia Jones is instead."
Remus hummed and mumbled tiredly, "I'm sure you're right."
They were silent for a moment, then James asked, "Can I stay here tonight? I put a heating charm on my bed but I think I must've miscast it because my bed's like a sauna and I don't know how to fix it."
"Sure," he replied with a grin, and James crawled under the blankets.
"Cheers for listening, mate," James mumbled before he promptly fell asleep.
That was not the only conversation James had with Remus about Lily Evans (and sometimes other girls in the school) but it was the only time he ever slept in Remus's bed after one.
(As it turned out, James did not get over his infatuation. In fact, as the years passed, it seemed to get worse to the point where it was the worst kept secret at Hogwarts. Following some rather good advice from Sirius to stop being a prat, James and Lily became friends in their fifth year, good friends in their sixth year, and a couple in their seventh year.)
Sirius Black
March 1976
A week before the Full Moon, Remus was beginning to feel the effects of it.
All he wanted to do was eat and sleep and run. It being 11 o'clock at night, though, he could only really do one of those things, which was to sleep, but he couldn't do that because he was too restless and ravenous. It was vicious cycle and he was debating getting up and going down the common room to study when he heard:
"Moony? Are you awake?"
Remus had no time to answer; in the next second, someone was climbing into his bed and joining him under the covers.
Sirius Black was a frequent presence in his bed, often with the others when they were all planning their next big prank or doing homework or just talking about nothing, so he was not surprised by the other boy crawling in beside him. He was, however, unsure about the look on his friend's face.
"Hi," Sirius greeted hesitantly.
"Hello," replied Remus. "What's happening? Are you okay?"
Sirius blinked and said, "Why do you ask that?"
"Your face," he answered. "You look weird."
Sirius chuckled and muttered, "Wow, way to build my confidence, Remus."
"No, I mean – Sorry. Doesn't matter. Do you want to talk?"
Sirius paused, grey eyes bright in the darkness, and Remus took the opportunity to observe his friend. Puberty had been kind to Sirius, gifting him with clear skin and sharp angles with soft edges. He was the envy of almost every boy at Hogwarts and the wish of almost every girl. Remus sometimes pitied him for it because Sirius was hounded every day and seemingly had no interest in the girls that threw themselves at him.
"I wanted to tell you something, but now that I'm here, I'm not sure how to," Sirius stated after a long moment of silence.
Remus didn't know what words of encouragement he could give, so he said the first thing that came to mind which was: "Just say it."
Sirius nodded, "Alright, give me a second." He took a second to compose himself, looking like a man trying to figure out the right words, then he said, "I want you to remember, before I tell you this, that I haven't changed. I'm still me. But I have realised something about myself recently, and I thought you should know."
Remise nodded slowly and said, "Okay."
Sirius nodded back, took a second to steel himself, and then said, "I think I might be... I mean, I know that I'm – I mean, I don't think I like girls all that much."
Remus frowned, unsure how to take that particular confession.
"I mean, I like them," Sirius added, seemingly nervous. "Some of them, anyhow. But not – I don't – I mean to say that I don't like them the way you do, or the way Prongs and Wormtail do."
"Oh," he mumbled, trying to think of an appropriate response. "Well, that's, um..."
"I know." Sirius sighed and sat up, staring down at Remus with caution. "I told James and he reckons I might be a poof. I think I might be too."
Remus felt hot all of a sudden and he didn't know what to say, so he went for his go-to word: "Oh?"
Sirius stared at him for a long moment, grey eyes analytic and intense. "Does it bother you?" he asked, shifting away in the small space. "I know some people aren't really comfortable with it. I'd understand if you wanted me to leave."
"No," replied Remus, somewhat shocked to find he was telling the truth. "I'm not – I mean, it's fine."
Sirius squinted at him, "Are you sure?"
Remus nodded and responded, "Yeah, I – You're still you, right? You're still a prat, that hasn't changed."
Sirius studied him a moment longer before he lay down again and laughed, "Yes, I suppose you're right. Though I'd say I'm more of a prick than a prat."
Remus chuckled his assent.
There was a moment of silence, heavy and unsure and a bit awkward, then Remus broke it with: "So, um... Is that why you came here? Just to tell me that?"
"No, I thought... I mean... I don't know. I thought you might understand."
"What?" he asked, feeling a little sick – like a secret had been revealed without his permission.
"Because of your furry little problem," Sirius quickly amended. "Because you know how it feels, to be different. Not because I think you're, you know. Like me."
Remus swallowed the lump of anxiety in his throat and replied, "Oh. Right."
"I just thought you ought to know, you know?"
Remus nodded, "Right."
"Unless..."
Unless – that was not something he wanted to hear. Remus had no time to ponder what the rest of the sentence might be because in the next second, dry lips were on his, hesitant and soft. It was new and kind of nice, and over in a matter of seconds. Sirius pulled back, wide eyed and ethereal, and Remus felt his face heat up at the sight.
"Sorry," Sirius said immediately. "Shit, I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to—"
"No, it – I, uh – i-it's fine," he stuttered, wondering why his heart was beating so fast and why his palms felt sweaty. "It's fine."
Sirius frowned. "It is?"
"Yep," replied Remus, inwardly cringing at his own response.
"Are you—"
"No," he cut in because the last thing he needed was another one of his secrets to be spoken aloud.
Ever since his conversation with James the year before, he had wondered about Sirius, and he had found his own mind wandering. He had found himself thinking about Fabian Prewett and his hands or Benjy Fenwick and his lips, and he had come to the conclusion that he might like boys too, but he still liked girls, so he didn't think it was anything to fret over. He was different, but what else was new? But just because he had accepted that he was different, that did not mean he wanted anyone else to know. It was bad enough being a Dark Creature, but to be a queer one... It was yet another thing for people to judge him on and he was not ready for that.
"Right," Sirius muttered, frowning.
Remus didn't know what the frown meant, or if he even wanted to know, so he tried to explain: "I just – It's alright, because we're friends and you were just... being you. Right?"
Sirius seemed to understand what Remus was offering: an out – a way for their friendship to remain intact without the events of the past few minutes hanging over them. "Right," he agreed, but he still looked unsure. "Do you want me to go?"
"No, you can stay. If you want," Remus replied, feeling all kinds of awkward but not wanting his best friend to leave.
Sirius nodded and shifted onto his back, both of them staring up at the canopy. "Goodnight, then," he said.
"Yeah, night," he muttered, but sleep didn't come for a long while.
Sirius didn't share his bed for a long time after that. Remus didn't really know why but he also didn't ask. He didn't think it was the sort of thing you asked a friend, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer anyway if he was being honest. It wasn't until their seventh year that Sirius climbed into his bed again, and by then, the time for them to be something more seemed to have passed.
Emmeline Vance
February 1977
Straight after the sixth year Valentine's Ball, Remus took his girlfriend to the Room of Requirement for the first time, ignoring the knowing smirk from James and the loud wolf whistle from Peter and the annoyed eyeroll from Sirius.
He and Emmeline had been together since October of their sixth year, and she was his first in many ways: his first date to Hogsmeade, his first girlfriend, his first kiss (if you discounted the one with Sirius). She was smart and funny and could keep up with his sarcastic wit. He really liked her and so, after the Ball, he had whisked her away to take their relationship to the next level.
When he slipped inside her for the first time, he felt invincible. It was new and exciting and nothing had ever felt as good.
"Are you okay?" he asked, holding still in case he hurt her.
"Yes, I – I'm fine," she replied, forest green eyes staring up at him. "You can move now."
Remus nodded and did as she asked. He followed her every instruction and tried to make it as good for her as it was for him, and when it was over, he lay on the soft bed that the Room of Requirement had gifted them and stared up at the ceiling, feeling elated and sated.
"Was it okay?" he asked, burying his nose in her hair and enjoying the scent of vanilla.
Emmeline giggled and turned her head to look up at him. "Yes, Remus," she smiled, planting a small kiss on his chin. "It was brilliant. In fact, you had best tell me the password for your Tower because I think we will be doing that a lot more."
Remus grinned and kissed her back. They fell asleep soon after and he wondered if she would be the person that he would spend the rest of his life with.
As it turned out, she would not.
In June of their sixth year, Emmeline broke up with him.
There were no warning signs, nothing to explain why she had done it. When he had asked, she had given only one answer: he was keeping secrets and she couldn't stand it. He hadn't understood her reasoning at the time because she knew his biggest secret. She was a Ravenclaw and had figured out that he was a werewolf by their second month of courting. He wondered if she meant Sirius and the tension that seemed to linger between them, but he didn't ask – partly because he didn't think she would tell him, but also because he didn't want to know. Knowing would mean having to acknowledge his attraction to his best friend, and that was something he didn't want to deal with quite yet.
So, he mourned his relationship with Emmeline over the summer before returning to school for his seventh and final year which was, in short, absolute chaos. He was glad of it, though. He was so distracted by friends and school and everything else that he didn't realise until after graduation that he had healed.
(After they graduated, Peter moved back in with his mother and James found a small flat in Soho with Lily which left Remus and Sirius searching for a place. They found a small two-bedroom apartment in central London, not in a great area but cheap enough. Then war broke out and Remus joined the Order of the Phoenix with his friends, and he was too busy researching and going on missions to concern himself with love.)
Hestia Jones
September 1978
After an Order meeting, Hestia Jones invited Remus for a drink at the Hippogriff's Neck.
They made small-talk and laughed, then went back to his flat and fucked. Loudly. She was the first person he slept with after Emmeline and she was very good at it, but both he and Hestia knew it was nothing more than Tension Relief. The next morning after she left, Sirius didn't speak to him for a whole day. Remus apologised for being so loud and his flatmate soon got over it. When Remus and Hestia saw each other at Order meetings, they sometimes said hello, but they did not speak of their night together.
Arabella Figg
November 1978
On the night of a Bonfire Night gathering, Remus spent his time speaking with Arabella Figg, a fiery and bold squib who worked in Research for the Order.
They went on two dates and slept with each other a total of five times over three weeks before they parted on amicable terms as Remus was whisked away on a reconnaissance mission. When he came back, he thought about starting something up with her again but found out that Arabella had met someone else and he decided to leave their relationship as what it was: a temporary romance.
Benjy Fenwick
January 1979
A week into the new year, Benjy Fenwick invited him to the Hippogriff's Neck for a pint.
Remus hadn't realised at the time that Benjy was asking him on a date until he turned up to the pub and found himself alone with the other man. It was an enjoyable evening and, although it meant that his secret wasn't as secret as he had thought, he found that he didn't mind who knew. There was a war going on, people were dying, he was a werewolf – who cared where he put his dick?
Remus and Benjy shared an intense fortnight-long romance and spent most of the time in his flat. He experienced a fair few firsts with Benjy but they both knew that it was not a Forever Thing. They were young and dumb and decidedly not ready to settle down. But he was glad to have learned a lot from Benjy.
"Fuck," mumbled Remus, blissed out and not bothered about the sticky come drying on his hand.
"I know," Benjy muttered next to him.
Remus grinned and turned onto his side. "Alright?"
Benjy chuckled and replied, "More than. You certainly know what you're doing."
"Ah, well. What can I say? I'm a fast learner."
"I'll say," Benjy grinned before he sighed and sat up. "I have to go. Dumbledore wants to see me later and I need to shower before then. Also, I haven't been back to my place in over two weeks and I'm worried my landlord will think I've fucked off and start letting my place out if I don't go back now."
Remus laughed and nodded. He didn't want their time to end, but he knew it must. Sirius would be home soon, and their fling was just that: a fling. He pulled on a pair of boxers and wiped his hands with an old shirt whilst Benjy dressed. He then walked Benjy to the door where they paused, both unsure what to say.
"So."
"So."
Benjy huffed and dragged Remus in for a sloppy kiss. It was nice but not exactly something he could envision for the rest of his life. When they pulled apart, Benjy said:
"You stay safe, Remus."
Remus grinned and replied, "Likewise."
A soft cough made them jump apart and when Remus looked to the source, he found someone he really didn't want to see: Sirius Black. He didn't understand it, but he felt like he had been caught doing something wrong. He felt guilty for having someone over at the flat, which was ridiculous since he paid half of the rent and utilities. Then he realised that he had just accidentally outed himself to his friend, because there was no way he and Benjy looked like two platonic friends just talking, and that caused another wave of guilt and anxiety to crash over him.
"Padfoot..."
"Hello, Moony," Sirius greeted, grey eyes dull. He looked tired, but that was to be expected. He had just been on a three-week surveillance operation for the Order, after all.
"Hi, Sirius," Benjy welcomed.
Sirius turned his eyes to Benjy and nodded once, "Fenwick." He then gestured to the doorway they were obstructing and added, "May I?"
"Oh, sorry," Benjy muttered and stepped into the hallway.
Sirius offered a tight smile to Benjy and a glare to Remus as he stepped into the flat. He headed straight for his bedroom without looking back, and the guilt Remus felt quadrupled as he watched his friend disappear into the flat.
"I'll see you around, Remus," Benjy muttered, placing one last kiss on Remus's cheek before he left.
Sirius spent the next 48 hours alternating between ignoring Remus and giving him a severe death glare. It became increasingly clear that sharing a flat with Sirius Black whilst living his life the way he wanted to was becoming an issue.
He wanted to preserve his friendship with Sirius, but he had a feeling that Sirius wanted more, and that was not something he was able to give. Not yet anyhow. It just wasn't possible, not with everything going on. He knew that him staying there would only cause further problems between them, so he moved out and into his own place the next month.
He didn't want to, but he had to.
It was good, in a way. Sure, the new flat was small and a bit grimy and the landlord was definitely dodgy, but their friendship became much easier the handle and he liked the freedom. He had his own space for the first time in his life and he could do as he pleased. Sirius still asked him every other week to move back in, but Remus was stubborn and stayed where he was.
It was for the best.
Tara Schorowicz
July 1979
Remus was on his third mission for the Order to recruit other 'Dark Creatures' or convince them avoid the war altogether when he met Tara Schorowicz, an Alpha who he was keen to get on their side. They had hit it off almost immediately and Remus had stayed with the pack for two Full Moons, attempting to gain their trust and see where their loyalties lay.
He and Tara had sex after only a week of knowing each other.
They didn't share a bed as such. Instead, they fucked wherever and whenever. He did not sleep with her for the war or for his mission. He slept with her because she was attractive, and she allowed him to feel wild but in a way that couldn't harm anyone else. It felt good, being with someone who understood what it was like to be a werewolf. She liked it rough, and he liked fucking her without worrying that he could hurt her.
After the second Moon, Remus was called back to London and their relationship came to an end. Tara and her pack did not join the Order, but they did agree to stay out of the war. Tara informed him that she would be heading further North to avoid any unnecessary dangers, in case he wanted to join them. He had wanted to, but he couldn't. He had responsibilities, friends, things to go back to.
"I guess this is goodbye," said Remus, standing on the edge of the forest, ready to Apparate to the nearest train station.
Tara smiled and said, "I suppose it is. The offer still stands. You could come with us."
"I wish I could, but I have people that need me. You could always come with me?" he replied, because he really did like her.
"You know I can't, Remus," she replied, because she was an Alpha; she had responsibilities as well, and he knew that. She leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss – so unlike the others they had shared before – on his lips, and then said, "Be good."
"Aren't I always?" Remus grinned and Apparated away.
He thought back on his time with Tara for months after and seriously debated joining her, but he didn't because his friends and his family and the war all needed him. He did, however, decide that if he ever did see her again, and if they were both unattached and willing, he would try and make a proper go of it with her.
He didn't see her again, but he heard tell of a pack up North that lived in the forests and stayed out of harm's way, and he liked to hope that was her.
Craig McDonald
October 1979
The evening Remus found out that the Death Eaters had gotten Benjy, he met and slept with a man named Craig. It wasn't brilliant, but it was sex, so it was good in its own way. They had one night together and although it was utterly mediocre, he didn't regret it. Craig left before he woke up the next morning and Remus got on with his life.
Sirius Black
November 1979
After an exhausting mission, Remus returned to his flat to find his best friend in his bed.
This was not all that unusual. Sirius had spent countless nights in Remus's bed during school, and even with Remus getting his own flat, that hadn't changed much. It became clear that Sirius did not like living alone when he spent most of his time away from his flat and could often be found at either Remus's or James's when not on duty at the Hospital or on a mission. And Sirius, unwilling to accept that people had boundaries, did what he liked – which meant that nine times out of ten, Remus found the other man sleeping in his bed, sometimes wearing his clothes.
The sight did things to his insides that he would rather not name or even acknowledge, but he couldn't help it. He had accepted a while ago that he fancied his friend, maybe even loved him, but he was not going to do anything about it because they were friends and they were in the middle of a war and he was a werewolf. He couldn't allow himself ruin Sirius's life, but he also could not live without Sirius in his life, so he pretended that they were just good friends and that he didn't want more, and he pretended that he didn't know that Sirius wanted more too.
"Moony?" Sirius mumbled, blinking the sleep from his eyes.
"Hi, Padfoot," he greeted, removing his dirty mission-clothes and climbing into the bed sluggishly.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asked, grey eyes bright in the darkness and studying Remus carefully.
Remus hummed and said, "I'm fine. Go back t'sleep."
Sirius muttered something unintelligible and shuffled closer to Remus in the bed, taking his hand and watching him quietly. Remus closed his eyes and tried to push his feelings back into the box at the back of his mind. He tried to ignore the way his stomach fluttered when he felt Sirius's fingers drawing nonsensical patterns on his arm but the action soothed him and he soon fell asleep.
Lukas Talkalot
December 1979
Whilst shopping for Christmas presents in Diagon Alley, Remus met Lukas Talkalot at his favourite bookshop. Lukas had been a sixth year Slytherin when Remus had started at Hogwarts and had become a bookstore clerk after his graduation. They talked about books for an hour before Remus asked him to dinner. They shared a bed twice and fucked against the bookstacks at Lukas's workplace.
Their affair ended quite abruptly when Remus found out that it was quite literally an affair and that Lukas was married to the bookstore's manager, Lucinda. His guilt and anger at yet another failed romance meant that he never returned to that particular bookstore again.
Alex Something-or-Other
January 1980
Going into a rather dismal year, Remus spent the evening with a Muggle named Alex. Alex was tall and fair and knew how to give a good hand job. They hadn't done much else, but Remus hadn't really been in the mood to. He did however offer his bed to the other man since it didn't seem like he had another place to go.
The next morning, Remus woke up to find £50 had been stolen from his wallet and Alex had left nothing but a note that said: Thanks for last night x
Lily Evans Potter
January 1980
Late in the month, Remus found himself sharing a bed with his best mate's wife.
He wasn't entirely sure how it had all happened, to be quite honest. One second, he had been sitting in his flat with a nice cup of tea and the evening crossword; the next, he was lying in Lily's bed with his arms wrapped around her as he tried to calm her down and reassure her that James and Sirius, who had been sent on a mission three days ago, were coming back.
"Where are they, Remus?" Lily asked for the hundredth time that evening. "They should have been back ages ago. Why aren't they back?"
"I don't know, Lil," he replied, his chin resting on her head.
"He has to come back," she muttered into his chest, her fingers digging into his arm like Banshee claws. "I can't lose him."
"You won't. You know how they are. They're probably just following a lead or something."
"Without letting us know?"
Remus frowned and, for the first time since he'd joined Lily in the bed, he began to feel unsure.
The war was more than any of them bargained for. No one was safe. What if James and Sirius were in danger? What if they had been captured or knocked out? What if they were stuck in the middle of nowhere, wandless and freezing? Why hadn't the Order called a meeting? Why wasn't he out looking for them?
Then his rational brain took over and he realised that if it were serious, if there was even the remote possibility that something had gone wrong, the Order would have called a meeting and they would have started their search by now. That line of thought reassured him but not by much.
"They'll be fine," he said. "The Order would have called a meeting by now if there was something wrong."
"What if Dumbledore doesn't know there's something wrong? What if they don't come back? What if they're—"
"Stop," he said, voice soft but firm because he didn't want to hear it; didn't want to even entertain the thought of a world that didn't have his friends in it. "Don't think like that. It isn't going to help anyone. And, besides, it's James and Sirius. They're quick and they're good, and they always come back. They will come back."
"But..."
"They will come back, Lil," he said. "They probably decided to stop for a pint or something and forgot to tell us."
Lily paused, her body seeming to relax slightly at the thought. "I don't know if that makes it better or worse," she muttered. "If they have gone to the pub, I swear James will be sleeping on the couch for the next year at least."
"He'd deserve to," he replied quietly.
Lily huffed a laugh and tightened her arms around him. Then she said, "Remus, what if they don't—"
"They will," he stated firmly – because they had to come back. A life without James Potter mothering him or Sirius Black loving him was unfathomable. "They will."
"How do you know that?" she asked, looking up at him.
"I just do," he replied. He could feel it in his gut. Sirius was alive. James was alive. He just knew it.
Something in his voice must have caught her attention because she nodded and turned over in his arms, her back pressed to his chest as she buried her face in her pillow. She pulled his arm over so that his hand was resting on her stomach, and they lay in silence for a long while, so long that Remus wondered if she had fallen asleep, then he heard:
"I'm pregnant."
He felt his heart drop at the confession, and he hoped to every deity he could think of that James and Sirius were alive and that they would make it home safe.
"I haven't told James yet," she continued. "I was going to, but I only found out the day before he left and I knew that if I told him, he would have stayed. But we need that intel, and I knew how much he wanted to go, so I let him. I should have told him."
"You'll get to tell him."
Lily hummed and they lay in silence for another long moment before she spoke again: "How are you so calm right now? Why aren't you freaking out about Sirius?"
Remus frowned at the back of her head. "What?"
"Sirius," she repeated. "Aren't you worried about him? Aren't you terrified that you won't get to tell him that you're in love with him?"
"I... I'm not in love Sirius," he lied as his heart thumped in his chest, trying to escape.
"Oh, I forgot you're in denial," she muttered.
"Lily, I'm not—"
"Oh, don't bother with that. I'm not an idiot, Remus. You love him, and he loves you. What I don't understand is why you don't just tell each other already."
"We're not – It's not like that," he stumbled. "Sirius is a friend, nothing more."
"Is he, though?"
Remus frowned and replied, "Yes."
"Do you want him?"
"What?"
"Sirius," she said. "Do you want him? Do you find him attractive? Could you imagine a life with him?"
Remus took a second to think about his answer.
Did he want Sirius? Obviously. He would have to be bloody mad not to want his brilliant, moody, funny, intelligent, sweet friend. Did he find Sirius attractive? Of course, he did. Anyone with eyes knew that Sirius was dangerously attractive. Had he ever thought about a life where he and Sirius were a couple? Yes. Numerous times. Ever since their fifth year when Sirius kissed him.
He didn't really want to lie to Lily, but he knew better than to tell the truth.
He was not going to ruin his friendship with Sirius. Especially not in such uncertain times. If things were different, if there was no war or he was older and wiser, then maybe... But there was a war and he was still experiencing life and Sirius... Sirius deserved the best; Sirius deserved thought and caution and unconditional love; Sirius deserved someone who knew what they wanted, and Remus had no fucking clue what he wanted.
"I don't see how any of that is relevant," he muttered eventually.
"It's all relevant, Remus," Lily said, twisting slightly to stare at him over her shoulder. "If there is anything this war has taught us, it's that we don't have time to mess around. We could all die tomorrow. Doesn't it bother you that you never told Sirius how you really feel?"
"No," Remus replied. "We could all die tomorrow, sure. But we could also all live tomorrow. I will not ruin what we have now when I don't know what I want. Sirius is my best friend. I don't want to fuck it up. And I'm not... Now just isn't a good time. I'm not ready."
"I still think you should tell him," she said, turning back. "You don't have to jump into a relationship if you don't want to. Just saying it, just it being known is enough sometimes."
"Not for Sirius," he muttered. "Sirius is all or nothing, he always has been. I'm not saying anything until I know if it's 'all' for me, too. He's too important to not think about first."
"Well, he loves you; has done since school," she responds. "I think you ought to talk about it. At least, if he knows that you feel the same, even if you both decide to do nothing right now, at least you'll know and neither of you will have any regrets, if anything should happen."
Remus hummed and replied, "Lily, I appreciate your input, but Sirius and I are fine as we are."
Lily snorted but didn't reply.
Remus glanced at his wristwatch: 12:32AM, it read. "It's late. You should try and get some sleep. We'll know more tomorrow," he said. He tried to pull away, his intention being to sleep on the sofa and wake Lily if anyone should send a Patronus or try to Floo in, but a small hand gripped his wrist.
"Stay here," Lily said, green eyes pleading with him. "Please?"
Remus nodded and lay back down, wrapping his arm around her waist again. Her hand slipped over his and squeezed, as if it reminded her that she was not alone. Remus just pulled her closer.
"Thank you," she murmured tiredly. "I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"
"Of course," he replied.
"Goodnight, Remus."
"Night, Lil."
With that and a few silent minutes, he and Lily fell into a restless sleep.
:: … ::
Lily Evans Potter & James Potter & Sirius Black
January 1980
When Remus woke up in the early hours of the next morning, he found that he and Lily were not alone in the bed; James and Sirius had returned and slipped in with them.
Remus, having shifted onto his back during his sleep, glanced over at Lily and found her wrapped up in James's arms. James looked dirty but unharmed and something eased in Remus's chest at the sight. When he turned to his left, he found Sirius sleeping next to him, a small cut along his eyebrow but otherwise okay. He released a sigh of relief and stared at his friend for a moment longer before he whispered:
"Padfoot?"
Sirius frowned in his sleep and huffed quietly before he blinked in the dawning light and his grey eyes focused on Remus. "Moony," he greeted with a soft smile.
"Where the fuck were you?" he asked quietly, mindful not to wake the other occupants.
"Our mission overran. We were packing up and getting ready to leave when a couple of Riddle's crew turned up. We had to stay undercover a little longer to avoid detection," Sirius explained quietly. "It was good we did, too, because we figured out where they're hitting next."
Remus let the information soak into his brain before he said, "Why didn't you let anyone know?"
"We did," Sirius replied with a frown. "We sent Moody a message."
"Oh."
"He didn't tell you?"
"No."
"Fucker," Sirius grunted.
Remus hummed in agreement, "Lily was worried."
Sirius stared at him with intense grey eyes and said, "Just Lily?"
Remus shrugged and muttered, "I might've been worried too."
Sirius grinned and said, "Knew it," before he rested his hand on Remus's face, his fingers stroking over Remus's cheek and jaw, and added, "We're fine. Next time, we'll send notice directly to you."
Remus took a second to calm his racing heartbeat. Then he said, "You're not allowed to do that."
"I don't care," Sirius replied with a shrug.
Remus smiled and decided there and then that if they made it out of the war alive, he would tell Sirius how he felt. It was too dangerous right now, but it wouldn't be one day.
Wilhelm Müller
March 1980
Having just returned from a long research mission and desperate to forget the monotony of it, Remus met a nice chap by the name of Wilhelm Müller in a club named Le Grande Illusion.
Remus had not gone to the club to meet someone. It had just happened, as most things do. He had been with his mates when Wilhelm had approached him at the bar whilst he was ordering a drink. Sirius was on the dancefloor with Marlene, Peter was snogging his girlfriend in some dark corner of the room, and James and Lily had left hours ago since Lily was pregnant and bloated.
Wilhelm bought him a drink, they flirted and made small-talk until his friends buggered off, then Remus invited Wilhelm back to his flat where he let the other man fuck him into oblivion, losing himself in the moment and enjoying the freedom he felt. The next morning, somewhat surprised that the man was still in his bed, he had sex with him again, slow and steady.
"Fuck me," Wilhelm muttered, his accent thick.
Remus grinned and replied, "Again?"
Wilhelm laughed and muttered something in German before he pulled Remus into a kiss. It was very nice, soft but full of intent, and Remus found his cock beginning to stir again. When the other man pulled back, Remus wondered:
"Do you, uh — I mean, it's fine if not, but do you maybe want to grab a drink with me tonight?"
Icy blue eyes stared at him for a long moment before Wilhelm grinned and said, "I would love that."
The relationship lasted two months and Remus enjoyed every moment of it. Wilhelm was fun and attractive and interesting, and he really liked the other man. It had been a while since he had felt so content, but the feeling was short-lived.
It wasn't long before the war became more serious and their side started to lose badly. People were beginning to lose hope and Remus soon found himself on mission after mission, gathering intel and recruiting or persuading other Dark Creatures, and he had no time for romance or anything like that. He called things off with Wilhelm and focused all of his efforts on ensuring the safety of his friends.
Then things began to change.
In December 1980, things took a turn for the better and the Order gained the upper hand.
There was talk of a prophecy about a child born in July 1980 who could save the world, so the Potters and the Longbottoms took their boys and went into hiding. Regulus Black joined the Order in secret and began working alongside Sirius and McGonagall to find a way to stop Tom Riddle. Peter went undercover with the Death Eaters and relayed every detail of Riddle's organisation to the correct authorities to build a case. Remus's work with Dark Creatures and the Shunned meant that, because no one paid them any mind, the Order knew the exact movements and whispered plans of dark wizards, and they were able to show up before an attack and before any regular folk could be hurt.
By April 1981, the war was won.
Along with the Auror Squad and the moral members of the Ministry of Magic, the Order of the Phoenix brought Tom Riddle and his followers down. Peter went into Witness Protection whilst the Death Eaters and their allies were apprehended and whilst trials were set and sentences were passed. The Potters, along with the Longbottoms, were soon able to come out of hiding.
Innocents rejoiced and life officially started for those who had been living in the shadows for so long, but it wasn't until the middle of that year that things began to feel normal and people began to feel safe again.
In July 1981, the Voldemort trial came to an end with most affiliates imprisoned or under constant surveillance. Peter came out of Witness Protection and got a job in the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. James and Lily returned to their jobs as Auror and Nurse Practitioner respectively. Sirius finally graduated from the Healer program and got a job at St Mungo's. And Remus... well, Remus became a War Hero.
People began to look at Dark Creatures and the Shunned in a different way thanks to Remus's work during the war and laws became more relaxed. Life became slightly better for his kind, and he even managed to find a job in Research.
Remus thought about finding Wilhelm and seeing if there was still a connection between them, but he didn't. Mainly because Wilhelm was in the past and he wanted to move forward, but also because he wanted to focus on his friends and his family for a while. He wanted to focus changing the world for the better and making things easier for others like him, and he couldn't do that if he was stuck in the past.
Sirius Black
August 1982
Remus was recovering from his most recent transformation and his friend was taking care of him. (Well. Sirius was trying to, at least. It was a difficult task for him considering Remus was a stubborn bastard who did not like being vulnerable or being mothered when he thought himself quite capable of looking after himself. It was true, most of the time. The Full Moons were the only exception.)
It had been a short and easy night with only him and Sirius present as James was taking care of his son and Peter had to stay back for work. It had been uneventful and he was glad to find that he was not as tired as he thought he ought to be. That said, Sirius had fed him and dressed his wounds, and he was hopped up on painkillers, so he knew that his high spirits that morning were likely down to all that.
"Right, you get some rest," Sirius ordered, standing up and picking up the First Aid kit that he carried around with him. "I'll be on the sofa. Just give me a shout if you need me, alright?"
"You're not staying?" asked Remus.
Sirius grinned softly and said, "I am staying. I'll be in the living room."
"You should stay in here, I mean," he said. "We both know that my bed's more comfortable than the couch."
"Oh, I don't know, Remus." Sirius hesitated, watching him carefully with intense grey eyes. "You really should rest."
Remus tutted and said, "I can rest with you in here. I'll probably rest better. C'mon, it's not like we haven't shared a bed before."
Sirius hummed and glanced at the door. And then, like a decision had been made, he nodded and turned back to Remus. He placed the First Aid kit on the bedside table and kicked off his shoes.
"Budge up, then."
Remus shuffled over and waited for his best mate to slip under the covers to lie beside him. They shifted and shuffled until they were both comfortable: Sirius on his back, a hand behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling; Remus on his side, his hands curled into his chest as he stared at his friend. Neither said anything after that and the silence was odd. Not necessarily bad, but more as if it lingered with unsaid words, which, to be honest, it did.
It had taken a year but life had finally balanced out to some semblance of normalcy. He and Sirius had grown close over the months, like they had been during their schooldays, and everything was going okay. It seemed, though, that their attraction to each other had grown as well. So much so to the point where it was palpable and obvious. (To everyone, apparently, since Lily and James and Peter kept giving both him and Sirius pointed and quite significant looks.)
Neither had done anything about it, though Remus wasn't entirely sure why. There was nothing holding them back – no boyfriends or girlfriends, no war or missions. Perhaps it was the fear of the unknown, the realisation that they could be happy for once and the opportunity to have something real after all of the horrors they had faced. It was scary to let someone in, especially someone who could ruin him, but he had been running for so long and he was tired. He was beginning to think that it was a pointless exercise because he and Sirius would always end up right where they were: next to each other with the world at their fingertips.
"Padfoot?"
Sirius turned his head, "Yes, Moony?"
"I, uh..."
Remus felt tongue-tied, as he frequently did around his friend. He knew what he wanted to say – or, well, he had a vague idea – but his mouth wouldn't formulate the words and he found himself just staring again, with Sirius staring back expectantly.
And then, because he was tired, because he didn't know what to say, because he was a Gryffindor for a reason, because the war was over, because he had promised himself that once the danger was gone that he would do something, he said, "I'm going to kiss you, is that okay?"
Sirius just stared at him. Remus leaned forward slowly, pausing to give his friend a chance to back off, but when Sirius did no such thing and instead tilted his head slightly, Remus pressed his lips to those in front of him. Sirius hesitated for barely a second before he returned the kiss, and Remus inwardly cheered at the response.
It was nice: chaste and dry but wonderful all-the-same because Sirius was kissing him back!
Sirius pulled back to wet his lips, then leaned in and kissed Remus again, turning onto his side and shuffling closer in the bed, his hand coming up to cup Remus's jaw. Remus's own hands found their way under Sirius's shirt, one on his chest, the other drifting over the skin on Sirius's back, firm but soft beneath his fingertips. His hand trailed down until he found himself clutching at Sirius's clothed arse as the kiss deepened and became more focused.
Sirius gasped against his lips, kissed him messily and wonderfully until he pulled back abruptly, one of his hands moving to Remus's chest, the other grabbing Remus's hand on his arse and stopping it from doing anything else.
"Moony – Remus, wait."
"What?" he asked, opening his eyes, confused. "What's wrong?"
Sirius swallowed and shook his head silently, his eyes closing and his brow furrowing as if in pain. Then, after a second, he opened his eyes. The look he gave was indecipherable.
"What's wrong?" Remus repeated, worried now. He pulled his hands back to himself. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cross any lines. I didn't – I mean, I'm sorry if I – if I was..."
"No, it's not you. I just..." Sirius sighed and bit his lip. "Please don't kiss me unless you mean it."
Remus frowned, "What?"
Grey eyes found his again and he said, "I can't do this, Remus. I love you. I have for years, and I think you know that which is why I can't... Which is why I'm asking you not to kiss me unless you want me for real. Unless you want this for real. I can't be another name on your list."
Remus frowned, both at the assumption that he didn't want more but also at the slight on his past relationships. "You aren't another name on my list," he said. "You are on a completely different list."
Sirius's brow furrowed.
Remus winced and tried again, "Wait, that sounded bad. What I meant to say was that the list you're on is of people I can't live without, and you're right at the top of it."
Sirius didn't look any less confused.
"Shit, this is going so badly," he muttered before he tried to explain himself: "I just mean that I would never risk what I have with you now if I didn't believe we could be more. You are my best mate, Sirius. You mean everything to me. I wouldn't try anything if I wasn't at least ninety-nine percent sure about this."
Sirius worried his lip and stared at him carefully, clearly unsure and trying to make his mind up as to whether he could believe Remus or not. "Really?" he asked.
"Really," Remus asserted. "I love you, Sirius, and I'd never want to fuck this up, I prom—"
"Wait, wait. Go back. What?"
"What?"
"You love me?"
"Of course I love you. I have for far too long. I should have told you ages ago but... Well, I'm an idiot." He sighed and added, "Look, if you don't believe me, we could, I don't know, go on a date or something; talk about it some more. Preferably when I'm not high on painkillers. I'm a bit drowsy right now, is all, but I'll get dressed and take you out this minute if that'll prove how serious I am about this. And you."
Sirius stared at him for a second longer before he smiled and said, "You don't have to take me out right now, Lupin. But a date sounds nice."
Remus grinned tiredly and asked, "Yeah?"
"Yes," Sirius answered. "How about this Friday? You could come to mine, I could cook, you could stay away from the kitchen to avoid any fires—"
"Alright, that was one time," Remus interrupted. "And I didn't know that chicken could catch on fire if you left it in too long."
Sirius grinned and continued, "I'll cook, you'll watch, and then we'll eat and talk and have an actual date and see if this has any legs."
"You're on."
Sirius nodded and bit his lip to keep his smile tempered, though it didn't work very well. "Alright," he said before he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of Remus's mouth. Then he pulled away and turned onto his back. "You should sleep. Last night was long and you really do need to rest. And so do I, come to think of it."
Remus hummed in agreement and pushed his face into his pillow, leaving his arm draped over his friend's torso and falling into a deep slumber almost immediately, his dreams filled with grey eyes and wicked smiles.
Sirius Black
November 1982
After participating in some Bonfire Night celebrations at the Potter residence, Remus found himself falling into bed with Sirius Black.
The last few months dating Sirius had been magnificent; filled with remarkable dates, hot kisses, and good times. Remus genuinely felt as though he had never known what happiness was until he was allowed to kiss Sirius whenever he wanted.
Bonfire Night of 1982 had been a particularly spectacular evening for them since they had finally told their friends about their relationship and had received a very welcoming reaction, resulting in a night full of cheer and alcohol consumption. After the fireworks, Remus had invited Sirius back to his flat. They had spent many nights at one or the other's places and had shared a fair few hand jobs and blow jobs, along with a little bit of mutual masturbation, all of which had been very enjoyable, but Remus was eager to take their relationship to the next level.
Shirts had been ripped off the second they entered the flat. Jeans had been kicked off at the threshold of the bedroom. Remus was just settling between Sirius's legs when he felt hands on his chest, halting him.
"What?" he asked, pulling back and staring down at Sirius. "What's wrong? Is this not okay?"
"No, it's fine," Sirius laughed, shaking his head. "Nothing's wrong, I just... I thought you ought to know that I've never done this before."
Remus frowned, because he and Sirius had definitely snogged before. "Huh?"
"I've never done this before," Sirius repeated, seemingly becoming nervous.
"Done what?" he asked, utterly lost.
"This," answered Sirius. "Sex."
Remus's frown did not abate, "What?"
Sirius sighed and patiently reiterated, "I've never had sex before, Remus."
"Oh," he said, because what else was there to say?
Sirius was twenty-three years old and still a virgin. He wanted to ask how but he reckoned he already knew. The legal age for queer witches and wizards to have intercourse was twenty-one, so surely he couldn't be alone, and despite what people thought, Sirius was extremely careful when it came to matters of the heart. He was attractive and carefree, and people had been throwing themselves at him for years, but he took a considerable amount of time before he trusted people, and Remus found that it wasn't really all that surprising when he thought about it.
He and Sirius had done a fair few things together, but he reckoned that Sirius wasn't talking about that kind of sex but rather the kind where two joined together. In the end, he decided to check:
"You've never had sex? Like, full sex? Not full sex, but I mean–"
"No," Sirius confirmed, watching him carefully. "I just never had the opportunity before. There were basically no queers at Hogwarts, then we left and I was too focused on the war to even think about anything else. I wasn't a hermit, mind you. I know a few tricks, but I didn't – I mean, I've never, you know... went that far with anyone before."
"Right," Remus nodded and pulled back, sitting on his haunches as he assessed what to do next. He didn't want to push his boyfriend into anything he didn't want to do but he also didn't want to make Sirius feel rejected.
Sirius leaned up on his elbows and said, "Look, I know you've been with other people, and I don't mind that. I really don't. Your body, your choices, all that, but I'm not as experienced, and I just thought you should know before we did anything. Because I want to. I want to do everything. But only with you."
Something warm bloomed behind his ribcage at those words and he found himself in awe of the man in front of him. "Okay," he said, his brain finally catching up with everything. "That's okay. That's good, I mean. I only want you too."
Sirius grinned, "Yeah?"
Remus returned the smile and took Sirius's hand in his own. "Yes," he replied definitively. "I've wanted only you for bloody ages. Thank you for telling me, Pads. I'm glad you did."
"You really don't care that I haven't..."
"Sirius, I don't care how many people you have or haven't been with," he cut in. "I just want you. I mean, you don't care about how many people I've been with, right?"
"Right."
"See? Same thing. I suppose this just means that I've got some stuff to teach you."
Sirius laughed, "Yes, I suppose it does."
Remus leaned in to kiss the other man again, then pulled back and checked: "Do you want to do anything tonight? We don't have to, if you don't want to or if you don't feel ready yet."
"Oh, I'm ready," Sirius replied immediately and without hesitation. "I want to do something tonight. That's why I told you. I didn't want you to think that I was shite. I mean, I wanted you to know why – in case I am."
Remus snorted. "You're pretty much amazing at everything you do," he retorted. "I doubt this will be any different."
Sirius rolled his eyes and muttered, "Shut up."
Remus grinned at the faint blush rising on his partner's cheeks at the praise and leaned down to kiss the other man again, enjoying the instant response and removing the last items of clothing as they snogged. After a long and very enjoyable bout of kissing, Remus pulled back and asked:
"Uh, do you want to top or bottom for your first time?"
Sirius stared up at him, grey eyes bright in the semi-darkness of the bedroom, his lips bruised red from recent activities and his hair in disarray. He was the most beautiful thing Remus had ever seen.
"I have the option?" he asked.
"Of course."
"Oh. I thought..."
"What?"
Sirius shook his head and said, "I don't know. I don't know what I thought." He paused and took a second to ponder the question, then he asked: "What do you normally do?"
"Me? I don't know. I usually top, I suppose, but I'm pretty versatile," he answered. "I have bottomed before and I like it well enough."
Sirius hummed and took another second before he answered decisively, "I want to bottom. This time, at least. I've tried it before; you know, with my fingers. And I've been thinking about it for – well, for as long as I've been thinking about sex with you. So pretty much forever."
"Brilliant," Remus grinned. "Tonight, then? We don't have to, if you want to wait a bit."
"No, I want us to do this tonight," Sirius replied eagerly. "Just... Just kiss me and we'll take it from there?"
"Alright. Okay. But if you need to stop, or you want to slow down, let me know. We'll stop immediately. And I won't be mad, or disappointed. I want you to feel safe."
"I do feel safe."
"Good. That's good. But you'll tell me, right? If it's too much or you want to stop, you'll tell me?"
Sirius smiled, slipped a hand around his neck, and said, "I will. I promise."
Remus nodded and let himself be pulled into another enthusiastic kiss.
From there, things progressed rather smoothly.
They kissed and whispered affectionate words to each other, then Remus opened his boyfriend up manually with water-based lubricant and careful fingers, taking his time and waiting until Sirius was writhing and begging for more because he knew that it could hurt – especially the first time, and especially if one wasn't properly prepared.
When he finally pushed inside, the feeling was indescribable.
His mind went wonderfully blank. All he knew was that he loved Sirius and that no one ever had or ever could compare to the man beneath him, clutching at him so brutally that he knew he'd have scratches on his back and bruises on his arms the next morning. He felt complete, like he would never need anyone else so long as he had Sirius by his side.
When it was over and he was slumped against Sirius's chest, long fingers running through his hair and soft lips pressing against his temple, he knew that he was where he was supposed to be, with Sirius, and that everyone before him were sent merely to pass the time until he found the thing he had always been searching for: home.
Teddy Lupin & Sirius Black
October 1998
It was the middle of the night when Remus was woken up by his fiancé slipping into their bed. The faint sounds of humming mixed with snuffling made him squint open his eyes and he found Sirius lying opposite him with their son between them.
Remus sighed, "Padfoot, you can't bring him t'bed every time he cries, y'know."
Sirius grinned sheepishly and whispered, "I know. Tonight is the last time, I promise."
Remus hummed sceptically but said nothing.
"See? He's quiet now," Sirius pointed out.
Remus hummed again and quietly watched his seven-month-old child sleep peacefully between them. Barely a few minutes had passed before he heard faint snoring and he looked away from his son to find his fiancé fast asleep as well.
In that moment, he wondered how he got to be so lucky. How did he manage to get Sirius Black – his best friend, his fellow Marauder, the only man he had ever loved – to fall in love with him? How did he get to have a son with that man? How did they make it out alive and well?
He knew would never get any answers and he decided not to question it further, instead deciding to close his eyes and fall asleep with his family beside him.
If the sheets could talk, they would tell all kinds of stories: of innocence and support, of friendship and laughter, of romance and desire. Remus Lupin's bed has had many visitors over the years, each with their own reasons, but he has only had one permanent resident.