"Reg, I know it's hard, but it wouldn't kill you to just talk to him about everything," says Pandora, dragging Regulus' sleeve, as they walk back from school ,on a chilly November afternoon. "You're 18 now. It's been a whole year, you just have to suck it up and do it."
"But, the thing is, it would actually. It's killed me a million times already," he answers flatly, avoiding the lump in his throat, as every memory of him and James flashes in his mind. Like a gathering storm, ready to sink him under.
-
One year and four months earlier (July 23rd, 2017)
Regulus is locked away in his room, re-reading Crime and Punishment for the billionth time. He sits on his bed, with no socks or blanket. Just the summer breeze sneaking in through the window. If this keeps him from not thinking of James, who is downstairs partying with everyone else, then so be it. He's known the man for 8 years and he still acts like a complete nutter around him. Only the sun can burn him that way, only the sun can make him ache so much.
After barely five minutes pass, a panic attack or two, he decides to drop the book on his bedside table and just go downstairs. Just see James, freak out, and disappear again. He sometimes wishes that he wouldn't want this much. That he would simply move on with his life. That he would finally establish he wasn't born to be loved, especially not by James. Only a star, waiting to explode into a galaxy at the influence of the sun.
Funnily enough, James wasn't even supposed to be downstairs at all. Regulus made him drive from the other side of town, in the dead of night. And it was just because he wanted him over, to be here. The intimacy of that is sacred. Still, the minute James entered the front door, Regulus ran upstairs mumbling something along the lines of "I need to walk my fish, be right back!" Who the fuck says that? He doesn't even have a fi-
He goes downstairs, the smell of alcohol hitting his nostrils, the volume of the music making his ears bleed. Once more, just to see James. His breaths become rapid, and so does his heartbeat as he finds James in the crowd, a blinding smile etched on his beautiful, beautiful face. Sirius is talking to him; they are both drunk to the bone, making Regulus more nervous. God, why are you so weird? he tells himself. Stop being so fucking awkward and talk to people. How did it become a party anyway?
Everything becomes a blur and in a matter of moments, he finds himself standing in front of James and Sirius. He doesn't say anything, once again just stands there like a bloody idiot, a scowl naturally carved on his face. It's the same as his mother's, the very person who cursed him to be unloveable. James doesn't love him back, he thinks and it comforts him unusually. It comforts him because he knows James. He knows that when James loves, he loves with his entire body and soul. Regulus doesn't want to take away his life because he needs him. Because he is the problem and James is the solution to him. He does it despite himself, and how Regulus loves him. He bewitches you and burns you so delicately. He loves, loves, loves. It consumes him, 'til he is terrified. Until it ruins him.
"Reg, hello? Regulus? Hello?" James repeats, his free hand waving in front of Regulus' face. He switches back to reality. Party. James. James' voice.
"What?" he snaps back. Why did he sound so pissed? Just talk normally.
"You were just standing, staring at me up so close I could see all the constellations in your eyes.",James muses in a very drunk swivel. The alcohol on his breath mixed with the proximity between them, makes Regulus' entire body shudder.
"Oh, I just wanted to drop by to say hello, and see what's up, I see the drinks got you," Regulus answers, trying to sound as blasé as possible. Breathe, breathe, breathe.
James grins at him. Oh God, this is bad.
"You look so dumbed down. What's wrong, sad boy?" says James, lifting his hand to caress Regulus' cheek. He never touched him before. He is bleeding under the sunset, everything feels so beautiful. It's like his entire body had to rewind to get used to this feeling. Regulus leans into his hand, his eyes shuddering closed, soaking up the feeling. Uh, oh, he is in love. After eight years of chasing the sun, of pining, wishing on every star. He is in love.
He retracts from James' hand after a while and says flatly, shutting all emotion out before it ruins him:
"Nothing, just tired."
Of everything. Of this life. Of his mind. Of this love. Hasn't he given enough?
"Let's go catch some air, somewhere quiet," James says as he starts to drag Regulus out the front door., hiccuping slightly. This is not going to end well.
They walk out on the front porch of the grand, pretentious, fucked up home of the Black family. Well, it's just him. Sirius is never around, he decided to leave it all after their parents died. He just left and Regulus left his old self at the door, weeping a goodbye. The night sky shines above them joined by the glowing moon. Effortless peace.
James and Regulus hang at the moment there. Waiting anxiously for the other to speak. Everything Regulus wishes to say, he swallows.
Take the moment and taste it, my ass.
"Reg, what's going on? You made me", hiccup after hiccup, "drive in the dead of night to come here, and then when I showed up, you just went upstairs. You ran upstairs. Care to explain? Because I hope you know that this wasn't something I didn't want to do. I decided to because it's you. Okay? There, I said it. I woke up at 3 in the morning and put on my best face for you.
Regulus feels his heart go crazy. No, no, no. Don't let yourself feel. He's drunk, this isn't him. Don't let it ruin you, don't let yourself hope.
"Regulus, I have known you for eight years of my life. I have seen you from every corner of my eye and my soul. I've seen you grow and I've ached for someone like you since before I was even here, on this earth. I've seen the way you watch me, staring directly at me before you would even look at your reflection in the mirror. Seeing right through me, I was so blind. Blinded by my own light. I searched the skies, Regulus. I looked at every star in the sky but none of them got me like yours. Like you. You were the most beautiful star in the sky, not the brightest, not the biggest. Over all the galaxies and beautiful things, you sufficed it." James let out a breath, a look in his eyes. Those brown eyes. A look that cut right through Regulus' heart. It was the first time he felt he had one.
But this isn't true right, this isn't really what he means. He is drunk because there isn't any way that the sun, picked out him. Just a star. Not like Sirius, the brightest and biggest star. Just one star. A dead star, that uses borrowed light to survive. To breathe.
Suddenly, his heart ached with sweet pain. He's holding his breath, wishing he could say something. The tears spill from his constellated eyes, oh they spill a storm.
"James-", he starts but he can't speak. He isn't used to being loved, he doesn't know what to do. All this rotten love inside him, he doesn't know where to put it, "I am crying, James, you are streaming from my eyes!" he yelps out. "I have spent eight years, living, waking up every day, aching for you. Yes, maybe I am slowly burning myself alive to my desire for you, but for tonight I am good and calm. You are drunk and you are saying empty words. It's death by a thousand cuts. All of those people in there, in every place I go, won't know I spent my entire life searching for myself. Trying to reach for the life that my family took away from me, so ruthlessly. Or that I've been dreaming of being pulled into the sun. Into you and being eaten alive. I wanted you in every life, scatter my atoms across the universe and they would still look at the sun. They would know your name, so don't you dare just stand there and-"
The rest of his words get lost in his throat, as James pulls him closer. They are so close that Regulus stops breathing, his mouth hanging open. James is just looking at him, with such intensity it cuts like a knife. He is breathing in Regulus' open mouth. This is what he knew, he knew it would ruin him. Because now, Regulus feels like he could be a star for James. I'll be the best you ever had, James. Just let me. Just for a moment, he believes James' words. It would be for the better if he flew for a bit. If he dreamed.
And, then, without any preparation for it, James grabs his face and kisses him. He kisses him with all the power he could muster, making up for all the years, months, weeks, days, minutes, and seconds their lips hadn't been touching. Regulus feels so much emotion course through him, he lets out an epiphanal sound. He's been kissed before, but it didn't burn him alive. He wraps his arms around James, feeling and tasting all of him, all at once. Realizing he's been starving for years. He tasted of alcohol, Regulus doesn't care. He probably won't remember this, Regulus takes a breath to feel that thought sting him, but continues. It consumes all of him, the taste of the sun, his chest bursting open with the shine of a thousand stars. The sun and the star were locked in an eternal embrace.
After a few minutes or for what feels like hours, they pull away. Nothing can be heard but their heavy breathing and the breaking of Regulus' heart because he does have one. He feels ashamed of holding the weight of it when it was meant to do just this. To break. James won't remember this, everything will go back to reality and Regulus won't be able to dream anymore. He will just watch and rot into nothingness. Oh, he will never feel again.
No words are spoken anymore as Regulus storms back inside, leaving his broken heart on the floor. Leaving it there to rot, feeling just the tiniest amount of hope James will pick it up to put the pieces together and make it alive again. He is the only one Regulus would let do that.
In a matter of moments, Regulus is in his room again. His mouth still burning from the kiss. Only the sun has come this close, only James. He re-reads Crime and Punishment for the billionth time. He falls asleep, holding onto this night when it will become just a memory. It will exist only in his head, till he is no more. James will wake up tomorrow, not feeling the pain of it. Continuing with his life, without the weight of Regulus to pull him back.
It's for the better
-
"I doubt he is traipsing around, running after girls. I saw him today in the hall as we passed. It's like he got starstruck, he had that dumbfounded look on his face." they say with a knowing tone. But Pandora doesn't know. No one knows about that night, it was a secret he never wished to keep.
"Well, he always looks dumbfounded. I'm not going to act like it's for me when I know it's not," he says flatly, letting no emotion show in his voice. A part of him wishes it is because of him. False hope, again. James looked beautiful. Dumbfounded, but beautiful. Regulus looks at the setting sun and aches.
He arrives home, numb to the bone. Every night after that night, Regulus was getting over James. He shut everyone out, but Pandora stayed. They were the only ones who cared to stay. It's nice to have a friend to care about when you feel like everyone hates you. Even you hate yourself, he thinks to himself. He doesn't need to, because he knows. Every time he sees his reflection in the mirror, he feels such dread. He's rotted into nothingness, hanging on a loose thread. Just a star, waiting for the last sunrise.
The November night closes in around Regulus. He is moments from sleep when he hears a buzz from his phone on his bedside table. With all the energy left inside of him, he gets up and grabs the phone, and opens it. The led light blinds him slightly. Never like the sun, he thinks.
Oh. Oh, no.
He received a message from none other than James Potter himself. His body got tense fast. They haven't spoken in a year, since that night. Regulus swore to himself that it would be for the better. He still knows, so what does he do now?
Reg, I need to talk to you. Meet me at the corner of Cornelia and Main Street. Don't leave me hanging, don't let me set alone. I want to be the broke love song that feeds your misery and the power ballad that lifts you up and holds you down. And you just be a star, like you always were.
James x
Regulus reads the message over and over again. Does he remember? The question rolls around his mind. He takes his bag from under his bed and before he even thinks about it, he is out the door. He decides to reach for the sun for the last time.
-
The November chill doesn't come close to the nerves crashing down on Regulus at this very moment. He is standing, pushed up against a building located on the corner of Cornelia and Main Street. Just like James said. He, of course, got there half an hour earlier to breathe for a bit because he knows the minute he sees James, he will no longer know how to. Oh, how he brings Regulus back to himself, awakening something scary and new. Something destructive in the best way.
He knows that whatever happens to him now and whatever happened before, it's for the better.
"Reg. There you are." There it is. There's that voice, there goes Regulus' breath. He lifts his gaze from the pavement and even though it is completely dark out, the sun hits him in the eye. James, James, James.
He tries to think of something to say after a year but nothing comes to his mind. All he can see and feel is James. But he doesn't want to let himself feel, not again. He swore to himself. Staying silent is the only thing he can bare right now.
"Look, I asked you to meet me because I feel like there is something unspoken between us and it's torturing me to not let it out of my system. So, I put on my best face for you, again. Just like I did last year, that night outside your house. I was drunk, so the whole evening is in a blur. Except for one thing, Regulus. The kiss, no substance could make me forget that kiss. Or even the speech you gave me before. It was like I had to pinch myself to not take you away with me right then and there. But, then you left me alone. Again. Well, now you're going to hear me out. I almost embarrassingly remember when I first met you and saw you. When I picked you out from the night sky, thinking you were a star. My star. I was 10, I didn't know anything. All I feel and remember is how much you blushed when I grinned at you in mid-conversation with Sirius. You would just watch us, observe. That's who you are, an observer. You take up every detail, every sound and you do it with such serenity it amazes me how much you know. How beautiful your mind is. How much of a star you are. I took it for granted, I admit. I pranced around, going everywhere with Sirius and you were just left there. When I grew up, I started dating and you were just left there. Watching it all from your corner in the hall. It's like you could see right through me, you looked at me like I was the sun. All those years and I was too late. I'm always late, always too busy caring about others and their emotions before looking at myself to acknowledge what I feel and think. A part of me has always loved you and cared. I'm showing you that part now and I'm letting you see how it consumed me. I remember your face all too well, it appears in my dreams. It appears in the stars. Whatever part of you thinks that you're broken or rotten, let me fix it. Let me show you how much you can love because I know you can." he says it all in one breath.
JRegulus thinks he is dreaming and that this is not happening. Pure epiphany spirals through him. James loves him back. He really does but then that one part he said repeats over and over in his head. Whatever part of you thinks that you're broken or rotten, let me fix it. Fix, James feels the need to fix him. In a moment, Regulus knows what he has to do. He knows James will devote all his time and everyday life to make Regulus believe something he wasn't made to believe. He would be just this big burden on James' back. Like a bad itch, you can't get rid of. James should live his life to the fullest, shine that sunlight on people who love themselves, and share that love. Not be concerned with all of Regulus' endless issues, not bearing the weight of his pain and letting it consume him as well. Not breaking his back to make Regulus break a smile. He won't let him.
James breathes out and after a moment, he is speaking again.
"You are the flowers in my stomach. Cutting me open nightly, blooming through the cracks of the ribs. I only want to be the sun for you, Regulus. Only you, my star. Bigger than the whole sky, not just this short time between that night and this one. Irrevocably and forever." James says that and Regulus knows what to do. He takes the bag from between his legs while his other hand reaches for James' hand. He squeezes it tightly, reaching the sun for the last time.
It's a long silence and James looks so earnest. Probably waiting for Regulus to say something back, to make all his wishes come true. To let him be the sun. Regulus feels all the pain drown him as he cuts it all down with a simple thought. The rain is always gonna come if you stand in with me. I can't let you be the sun for me when I am just a star. And James deserves the universe. Big enough to match his heart, his golden heart that's aching for a tragedy. He keeps drowning as he pulls the gun from the bag. He knew it would come to this. As a boy who never knew love from others knew his own love would ruin him. Would be his end.
"Reg, what are you doing? Reg, please-" James starts pleadingly. Regulus feels the buzzing in his brain and he can't hear anything as he turns the safety off on the gun.
The sun is the main source of life. Regulus is looking at it right now. It's glowing and burning out all from James and reflecting in his eyes. The sun can't die, right? It's the very life, the warmth, keeping the world and the earth steady. Keeping it alive. It can't disappear when it has so much to give. Stars are easier obstacles to measure, Regulus knows because he is one. Despite James' words, he knows what sort of star he is. Not the one you point at every time you look at the night sky. Thinking how it's so breathless, matching the effortless shine of the sun. Regulus is the star right next to that one, faded, blinking barely any life. Just there in the sky, just another star. The sun can't die and he would, James would. If he had Regulus in his life like a lover. It would drain all that beauty and goodness from him that Regulus could just cry. Could cry at the thought that it would be his fault if the sun died. The sun can't die. The last thought cut into his brain as he grips the gun in his hand. James is still talking, crying, and slowly dying already. He is the gun in Regulus' mouth that will blow his brains out, it's because of keeping his ruining love sacred that Regulus even does this.
"Hey, James. I love you, but it's for the better," he speaks for the first time that whole night, as tears sting his eyes. James stops talking. Before he could say another word, Regulus takes three shots, hitting his abdomen, head, and throat. The sun doesn't die, it's just another star. Wiped from the universe. Goodbye, goodbye. I wasn't bigger than the whole sky, I was just a short time.
Everything goes dark.
-
Regulus thought he would be gone when he took three shots at himself. Wanting to instantly disappear, before James could do anything. Before the sun could give him life. He wanted so badly to go, to be just a star that James could find in the night sky without feeling he has to fix it. He wishes he would've gone quickly, no longer knowing the painful weight of being human, of being so choked with emotion and burning so much desire that it kills him.
James is dragging him to the hospital, walking alone along 5th street. What a ghostly scene. Regulus is slowly bleeding out and it burns every time he breathes. Blood comes out of his mouth every time he opens it. He turns his head, no matter how much it hurts, to look at James. Everything feels better when he looks at James. Everything is so hot, so dizzy, so much blood in one place. From one body, much left to lose, so much gone.
After a few moments, Regulus opens his eyes for a bit to see that they have arrived at the waiting room of the city hospital. His vision is so blurry now, he's surprised he can see at all. Echoes of James' voice pierce his ears like a ringing. He places him on the chair and then whispers to Regulus. All he could make out is: Stay here, Reg. I will get you a room, I will be back. I promise.
Then, all the warmth left in Regulus' heart dissolves because James isn't there anymore. His body is getting limp, more empty, more dead by the minute. Blood is spilled all over the floor as Regulus looks up at the lights. He remembers every last vivid detail of James. His smile, his eyes, his hands, his touch, He replays that night of last summer in his brain on repeat until he can't think of anything else. Just James. Pulling him close, breathing in his open mouth, kissing him, burning him alive. Making him feel.
He also remembers those days with Sirius, coursed through his childhood. Absolute whiplash. He remembers weeping on his knees, watching Sirius leave. Leave him, leave their childhood, leave their baby brother. Always his baby brother, right? Soon, their parents were gone as well. It was just Regulus, in an empty house, an empty heart. He can't even remember when he and Sirius were just brothers and not something to be fixed. Not a mess.
Now, here he is. Dying in a waiting room at 18. Because of course, it lead to this, James doing exactly what Regulus wanted to free him from. Dragging Regulus to a hospital, devoting his entire night to making sure Regulus is okay. He could have been sleeping right now, not having to worry. Just sleeping and having just a memory of Regulus. Not an obligation. But he knew deep down, he couldn't feel anything unless it was with James, unless it was because of James. He didn't deserve it, it ruined him. In the best fucking way. What James does, it's like adding sugar to poison. Convincing yourself everyone else's lives and problems are bigger than yours. Regulus doesn't want to be that for him, to be a problem. He already is for everyone else and himself. He just doesn't want to be anymore.
It's been hours or maybe just a few minutes. Regulus' throat is closing up and it's getting hard to breathe. This is it, the end is near.
James just needs to come back one more time. Regulus needs to see the sun, one last time. Reach it, one last time. Like Icarus wanted. He's bled himself dry, completely. He's just a body, just a star. He feels so numb and he wants to smile but he can't move. This is the feeling he has been searching for this entire life, and now he's disappearing. Rotting into nothing. It's for the better, it's for the better, it's better.
The final minute is here, and there it is. His last view, his last feel. The sun, holding his jaw and a stream of tears spilled down its cheeks.
"You've risen just for me." Regulus chokes out through the blood in his mouth. He can no longer breathe. James kisses him, sucking all the rot from his system, and then he's gone.
Icarus died with the taste of sun on his lips.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.
Know it's for the better.