Sirius awoke with a start. He glanced around at the scarlet hangings of his four-poster bed, trying to remember what woke him up.
It must have been the wind, rattling the windows in the circular tower. Or maybe it was the rain, slamming into the roof with extreme force.
Sirius sighed and opened the hangings a bit to check the time. 1:47 am. Great. He had his Defense Against the Dark Arts exam that morning, and he had jet to produce a corporeal Patronus.
Suddenly a flash of lightning illuminated the room, followed immediately by a loud clap of thunder. Sirius jumped. He hated loud noises like thunder. Normally he would go over to Remus and cuddle with him, but Remus hated it when people woke him up before an exam. And Sirius wouldn't wake him up anyway; the full moon had only been three days ago, and Remus, having spent the last two days catching up on schoolwork, had finally fallen asleep for more that a few minutes. Another flash of lightning, coupled with a window-rattling bang of thunder. Sirius began to shake, and his breathing became labored. Breathe, he thought to himself. Breathe. Goddamnit Sirius, breathe!
...
The next clap of thunder brought Sirius back to the cold, hard floor of his parents' kitchen. His mother had just hit him again, causing him to fall to the floor.
"YOU FILTHY, DIRTY, FAGGOT! Walburga screamed at Sirius, who was cowering on the floor. Walburga had just found the pride flag tucked into Sirius's school bad, and Sirius was forced to admit to his mother that he was gay.
"YOU NASTY ARSEHOLE! DISCRACING THE NAME OF BLACK!" Sirius made to get up again, but Walburga kicked him hard in the face. He felt his nose break, and something warm and sticky began to rush down his face.
"TRAITOR! DISSAPOINTMENT! FAG!" Walburga screamed at Sirius. "YOU MAKE FRIENDS WITH MUDBLOODS, BLOOD TRAITORS, AND HALF-BREEDS AND NOW THIS!" Walburga hurled a glass through the air, which smashed next to Sirius's face. Sirius could feel shards of glass shoot up into his face, puncturing the skin. He had to get out. He had to.
"GET YOUR DIRTY FAGGOT BLOOD OFF MY FLOOR!" Walburga kicked Sirius in between the legs, stomped on his fingers, and left her eldest son lying on the bloodied floor of her kitchen, sobbing.
...
In the middle of the night, Sirius snuck out with all his school stuff and escaped to James's house. When he showed up a the Potter's doorstep, covered in blood and carrying all his belongings at 3 am, Mrs. Potter asked no questions. She welcomed him into the house, cleaned him up, and tried to comfort the crying sixteen-year-old by giving him a chocolate frog.
This only made Sirius cry harder, though. Mrs. Potter didn't understand why, and how could she? How could she know that chocolate reminded Sirius of Remus, his friend, the love of his life, the one who could never love him back. Remus was the reason Sirius realized he was gay. Remus was the reason Sirius lay awake at night. Remus, with his prefect caramel curls and his honey-colored skin. Remus, with his endless smarts and kindness. Remus.
...
When they got back to school after the Christmas break. McGonagall saw immediately that something was wrong with Sirius. She called him into her office one day and tried to get him to talk to her. In the end, she got Sirius to talk by guessing that it had something to do with his "feelings for Remus Lupin." She was the reason Sirius had felt comfortable enough with his sexuality to come out to his friends and explain to James why he had showed up to his house on Christmas Eve with a broken nose, broken fingers, and shards of glass stuck in his face. But McGonagall couldn't make him forget what Walburga had said to him that night at Grimmauld Place.
...
Another rumble of thunder brought Sirius back to the present. He was shaking and hyperventilating, twisting his bedsheets into a knot. Unable to sit still any longer, his panic attack brought him out of his bed and onto his feet. Now twisting his pajama shirt, Sirius began to pace the length of the dormitory, panicking and shivering. The doors were freezing, but Sirius was to panicky to do anything about it.
"Sirius!" A voice hissed in the dark. Sirius, though, didn't register it and continued to pace, jumping as another clap of thunder sounded outside.
"Siri!" The voice sounded worried, and the next thing he knew, Sirius was being wrapped tightly in a blanked and hugged from behind.
"Shhh, Pads, it's okay, I'm here. It's okay, shhhh." The voice whispered soothingly. "It's okay. You're okay. You're safe. Shhhh.
Eventually, Sirius calmed down enough to register that the voice was Remus's, who had wrapped Sirius in the blanket and was holding him.
Sirius turned to face Remus, and despite his panic, thought God, he's beautiful as a flash of lightning lit up the dorm.
The accompanying crash of thunder caused Sirius to lean into Remus, who pulled Sirius into his chest and let the small boy cry into his favorite brown sweater, stroking his long, black hair.
After a while, Sirius's panic subsided and he was able to look up at Remus, wiping tears from his eyes.
"You okay, Pads?" Remus asked, his voice dripping with worry. Was he worried about me as a friend, or... Sirius thought. Friend, Sirius, he was worried about you as a friend. Don't go down that road.
"Yeah," Sirius whispered, his voice shaking. Remus gave him another hug, which Sirius welcomed. Not only did he need it, but this was as close as he could get to Remus without revealing his feelings. God, I'm so in love with you, Sirius thought.
"'m sorry," Sirius mumbled against Remus's sweater.
"What are you sorry for?" Remus asked.
"I-I woke you up and y-you needed to sleep and bothered y-you and r-ruing your favorite sw-sweater!" Sirius wailed.
"Siri, calm down!" Remus whispered. "Look, I'm glad you woke me up! No, listen! You're my friend and I don't ever want you to feel so overwhelmed and scared like this again. And you're not bothering me with your feelings, okay? You should never, ever feel like you can't talk to me. You're not alone, Siri. I want to help you, and I want to be woken up by you when you feel like this!
"As for the sweater, it's not ruined. We can dry it off, and if that doesn't work, we can cut it up and turn it into my favorite pillowcase or scarf or something. It's okay."
Tears were starting to leak out of Sirius's eyes again. Remus, seeing this through the dark, lead him over to his bed, where he insisted Sirius craw in with him.
Sirius winced at a fresh thunderclap, and Remus pulled him close, allowing him to sob onto his shoulder.
"Lumos," Remus muttered, and his wand tip ignited, throwing Sirius and Remus into better light. Sirius had stopped crying and was now falling asleep on Remus's shoulder.
"Everything okay, mate?" James whispered from behind Remus.
Remus started, and then glanced fearfully down at Sirius, who looked unharmed by this. "Yeah. Yeah, everything's okay," Remus whispered back.
"Another panic attack?"
"Yeah, but he's okay now. I think the thunder set him off."
"Probably. Alright mate. We'll talk to him in the morning then."
Remus nodded, and James retreated to his bed, pulling the hangings shut around him.
Remus turned back to Sirius, who was curled up against his shoulder, his chest rising and falling with every breath and his gorgeous locks falling around his face. "I love you, Siri," Remus whispered to the sleeping boy.
Sirius opened his eyes and looked up at Remus in disbelief. "What?" he hissed.
Remus looked surprised. "You were awake?" he asked, blushing furiously.
"Barely. What did you say?"
Remus blushed harder. "I- um- well, I-I said I love you."
"You do?" Sirius couldn't believe what he was hearing. HELOVESMEHELOVESMEHELOVESMEHELOVESME
"I-I love you. And not as a friend." Remus bit his loop, looking tentatively into Sirius's gray-blue eyes.
Sirius lurched forward and locked his lips onto Remus's, finally doing what he had dreamed of doing since third year.
Remus's wand clattered to floor and the light went out, but neither boy broke the kiss to get it.
After a few seconds (or was it years?),. Sirius pulled away, grinning. "I love you too, Moony."
At this, Remus grinned. "How long?"
"Since third year. You?"
"Second."
They stared at each other for a few minutes. "God, you're so beautiful, you know that?" Sirius whispered.
Remus smiled. "You're the beautiful one." He leaned down and kissed Sirius, running his fingers through his inky black locks.
"I love you, Pads," Remus whispered in the dark.
"I love you too, Moons."
...
The next day, in Sirius's Defense Against the Dark Arts exam, when the professor asked him to conjure a Patronus, Sirius thought back to the night before and, remembering the feeling he got when he was kissing Remus, Sirius shouted, "Expecto Patronum" and Moony exploded out of his wand.
Sirius looked over at Remus, who was smiling softly. Looking into Sirius's eyes, Remus cast his Patronus, Padfoot, which ran around the classroom before landing next to Sirius's Patronus. Siris smiled, grabbing Remus's hand under the table. And for the first time in a long time, Sirius felt truly happy.