Transcendence Through The Looking Glass

October 28th, 1989

Sirius-

"How does the outlook as far as your family issues go? Do you still feel the same way about them?" Healer Brown asked.

Bowing his head he let out a deep sigh.

"No... I never really hated them or dark magic in general. It was my relationship with my mother that was the sticking point. I disliked everything she stood for. At the time I wanted to rebel against everything. And that just so happened to be dark magic too.  I loved being with James and his family though. They were so different from the coldness of my own family. So, it wasn't a hard decision to walk away from. To Walburga's credit, she did say that they would never truly accept me. And as someone who's always felt misplaced like I don't belong. It was a low blow on her part, but it turned out to be true. I thought I had found a true family with the Potters. Finding out what I have recently it's really shaken my world up." Sirius replied, somberly.

All he wanted to do was get out of here. But he couldn't his therapy session was assigned for early morning. Sirius was practically vibrating in his seat from excitement. He couldn't wait until he met Caspian at Gringotts later. From lunch through dinner and every minute between he'd get to be with Harry!

"Does that mean you will try to force the issue or be who you want to be? I mean do you want to explore your dark heritage? Or will you keep suppressing it even though your mother is gone?" Healer Brown asked, curiously.

She shifted in her chair watching Sirius intently. He shifted and clenched his fingers. 

"I don't think I will. I mean I don't think I will actively suppress my magic's nature. I was born with dark magic in an equally dark family. I'm not going to run off and join a dark lord. And I'm certainly not going to torture or kill anyone. People in our society tend to forget that dark doesn't mean evil. Everyone makes their own choices in the long run. Everyday people go about their lives. They could go to work or kill someone. They could go for a walk, or they can stab someone. Everyday people make the decision to not hurt anyone else. A light spell can kill just as easily as a dark one can. I can think of at least one way to kill someone with a Wingardium Leviosa. All magic can be dangerous, it's the labels that society puts on them that even more dangerous. The Ministry assigns the designation of all spells. So, tell me how a light spell that is taught to first years is 'light'. If it's dangerous then it's labeled 'dark' then why isn't that spell labeled the same? I can levitate you off a cliff or I can levitate you high in the air and drop you. By the Ministry's definition of 'dark', Wingardium Leviosa is too dangerous to be 'light'." Sirius stopped to breathe.

"I used to hold parts of myself back and conform to what I thought was 'acceptable'. And by acceptable, I mean whatever it took to not be left behind by James. Whatever it took to not be labelled dark and lumped in with my family. I did what I could to keep my chosen family, even though I didn't entirely believe as they believed. Which made the betrayal of my friends all the worse. I changed myself to be accepted by them. I feel like they didn't even see the real me. I mean they knew I would do everything possible to be as 'light' as I could. In the end they never really knew the real me. Everyone just rolls their eyes, but peer pressure is very real. I feel like if they had truly known me, they wouldn't have automatically assumed I was guilty. I know that it was partially my fault. I never showed all of myself to them. So how can I really expect them to understand me." Sirius said, sadly.

He had tried to be someone else...someone that could be loved. His mother had always told him that he wasn't loveable. She also told him he should've been drowned at birth. In a way Walburga had been the start. The root of his insecurities led back to his family and the words he'd tried so hard to shake off.

"Sirius, I don't blame you for feeling like that. But you're being too harsh with yourself. Your friends had seven years to get to know you as a person. If they couldn't tell that you were hesitant to let them in. Then they weren't the best friends they should've been. Every relationship is a two-way road. They have to make as much of an effort as you did. You became an Animagus for one, a brother to another, and a confidant for another. You changed yourself to be accepted by James and his family. For Peter you listened to him and tried to boost his confidence. With Remus you became an Animagus. So that you could comfort him during the full moon. You supported each of them differently Sirius. And it sounds like they fell short of returning that support. It wasn't your fault, and I think deep down you knew that you couldn't entirely trust them. Because if you had they would've seen the real you. And they would've known that you would've never hurt any of them ever. Let alone James who you held in such a high regard." Healer Brown said, soothingly.

Shock was the most prominent emotion he felt at that moment. Then there was a strange sort of lightness, like Sirius had lost something that had weighed him down. A small wan smile crossed his lips as he sat there.

"How are your nightmares Sirius? Are they still frequent?" Healer Brown asked.

"They aren't as bad as they once were. I think that they are becoming less frequent now. I haven't had the one where I found James and Lily's bodies for a while. I actually have the ones involving dementors far more often. But it wasn't like it was where I barely got an hour or two for sleep a night. Anywhere between six hours to a whole night recently. I do admit that talking about all this seems to have helped a lot." Sirius admitted.

He'd been really skeptical that mind healing would even work. Things had been much better than when he was first released. Talking about Walburga, Peter, James, Lily, Remus, and Dumbledore used to make him angry. Now he could deal with it without fighting through his resentment of them.

"That's good we've covered a lot today. The board of healers has decided that you're stable enough to have a wand again. They also have rescinded the restrictions on your person. You can leave as you see fit without an escort. We were going to make you wait the rest of the week before getting a new wand. But you are doing so well Sirius. How is it going with finding a new living situation?" Healer Brown asked.

Sirius grinned finally he could have a wand! Everything had been really trying without his wand. He'd been raised magical so doing everything the muggle way was strange. He would certainly feel a whole lot safer once he had one. 

"Ah, Caspian has pitched a few flats as choices. Gringotts told me Uncle Alphard died and left me his house and his vaults. But it's not in England...I mean I can always portkey, apparate, or floo back here. But moving out of England is a big decision. I think I will either get a flat temporarily or stay at a hotel until I can make a decision either way. But I'm looking forward to being out of this hospital." Sirius said.

Sirius was holding off for as long as possible. Now that he found Harry he wanted to be as close as possible. He wasn't under any illusions; Harry barely knew him. So of course, he couldn't assume that he was going to live with Harry. He wanted to respect Harry's boundaries and need for space. It was too little too late to be a parental figure. Sirius wasn't sure how something like this worked. He'd accept friend or mentor status if he had to. Sirius would do anything for his pup. He just wanted to be a part of Harry's life in some way possible. And he would move as close as he could to his Pup. But he couldn't tell Healer Brown that. Harry was supposed to be missing, and Sirius would be damned if he led Dumbledore to him. No Sirius was going to bide his time and do what he had to, to protect his Pup. Besides the only reason Sirius might entertain coming back to Britain was Caspian. Caspian had become a part of Sirius's life so fast. And now it was hard thinking about a life without him. He didn't want to lose his new friend, and it wasn't like he couldn't visit. But first he had to gain Harry's trust. Harry wasn't going to just reveal his safe house to him.

"That's good to hear Sirius! It is a bit soon to make such a large decision. But I see you've really thought it through and it's not a spur of the moment emotional decision. I need a few days to work out a schedule for our sessions. But otherwise, you'll be free once we've got everything worked out. Healer Grayson still wants you taking the malnourishment potions for a while longer. You've gained weight, your taking care of yourself, your focused on the future, and have made a lot of progress. We are so proud of you Sirius!" Healer Brown exclaimed.

After a little more small talk Sirius finally got to leave her office. After a quick check of the time and making sure he looked okay. Sirius left the hospital using their floo system. Dropping out into the entrance hall of Gringotts. He briefly met with his accounts goblin who handed him the portkey for his late uncle's house. Which was something to consider for a later time. Right now, he had a few hours to kill. Goldaxe would be giving them a temporary use portkey to visit Harry. Caspian was going to meet him at Gringotts so they could be there in time for lunch. From lunch through to dinner they would be with Harry.

Finally, he would get to spend time with his pup! Sirius hadn't seen Harry since he was a baby. What did he like? Hmmm, he did have to get a wand. Maybe he could browse around see if anything 'spoke' to him. He did have nine years' worth of missed birthdays and Christmases. Heading out into the Alley Sirius made the spur of the moment decision to avoid Ollivander's. He had ages ago received his first wand from there. But that was then and this was now. Sirius wasn't the same person he'd been before. He told Healer Brown he wouldn't repress that dark part of himself. And he wasn't going to, no he was going to another wand shop down Knockturn.

Slipping down into the side alley he stuck to the sides of the wall. Going here without a wand was a tad bit risky. But it would be worth the risk to have a wand again. This time of morning Knockturn was mostly empty. The Alley's denizens didn't usually come out until nearly noon. That didn't mean the shops weren't open, it just meant less people milling around. He found the exact shop he was looking for. Leander's Twisted Sticks, he had no idea if old man Leander was still alive. But his shop was certainly open as Sirius stepped in. Behind the front counter was a shelving unit. It held several jars of items that one would mistake for potions ingredients. 

But they weren't contrary to popular belief there were many different kinds of wand cores. Ollivander only used three: Phoenix, Dragon Heartstring, and Unicorn Hair. Which severely limited the kinds of wands he could make. Some cores were more difficult to work with than others. Particularly the cores that were liquid. Some cores had venom, blood, or saliva in them. Usually a magical creature, but in the case of saliva or blood it can come from the wielder. Though that particular practice had waned significantly. By significantly he meant nonexistent. His family had a few of those wands stored in the main vault. But once the 'donor' of the core died the wands stopped working. So, they were just really shiny sticks afterwards.

Glancing to his right he did see a few shelving units stacked from floor to ceiling with wand boxes. Every wand maker had a selection of pre-made wands for sale. Making a wand from scratch can be expensive. Most people just opted for the cheaper ones. This particular shop also purchased wands and resold them. Once Uncle Arcturus dies maybe he could get rid of the useless wands in the vault. 

"Well now that's a face I never thought I would see in person. I got to say that the papers didn't do you justice." A smooth lyrical voice said.

Behind the counter was a witch with short red hair that curled just under her ear. Bright blue eyes regarded him from head to toe. 

"You seem to know me but who are you?" Sirius asked.

"Tallis." She said.

Recognition flooded him as he briefly remembered way back when. His mother had dragged them to the shop because she had needed a new wand. Sirius himself may or may not have been the reason why she needed a new one. But he remembered old man Leander holding a bundled baby in his arms. He said it was his granddaughter. That had been back when Sirius was in his second year of Hogwarts. Wow, she was a teenager now. Time had clearly flown since last he'd laid eyes on her.

"Leander's granddaughter, shouldn't you be in school?" Sirius asked.

"Yup that's me! And not really since someone has to watch the shop. My parents died during the last war and my grandad took me in. I stayed in school long enough to take my O.W.L.S. Grandad was sick and getting worse. This shop was his everything and I couldn't let it go under. So now I run it and make wands. Technically I'm not fully licensed yet. Since I haven't taken my all my N.E.W.T.S yet. And I need to take a few master classes to finish my education. But until then I let people think grandad is still making wands. And I'm just selling them. He's bedbound a combination of old age and a nasty dragonpox infection. He barely fought it off but he's not even aware of where he is. I just need him to hold on as long as possible." Tallis said.

"Oh, that's too bad Leander was a kind man. I'm sorry about your parents too. How much more do you have to go?" Sirius asked.

"I need my potions, defense, and runes N.E.W.T.S. And I've already started on my master class for handling magical creatures. Any good wandmaker knows to gather your own ingredients. That way you're certain of its freshness and know where it comes from to prevent tampering. I'm just hoping grandad makes it until I get certified. If he dies before hand the shop will close until I'm certified. I can't afford that as is, I spend a fortune on grandad's potions." Tallis replied.

That sucks...and he couldn't imagine too many people needed new wands. Unless they were students, and they usually hit Ollivanders. Or unless someone was looking for a secondary wand. They were in Knockturn Alley after all. He was planning on getting his wand new from scratch anyway. And if he left more than what the wand was worth. That was his way of helping Tallis. 

"It's good that your almost there. I need a new wand preferably one from scratch." Sirius said.

She smiled at him.

"For that you'll have to follow me back to the storeroom. It's also my workstation so come on back." Tallis said.

She disappeared through a door Sirius hadn't even noticed. He went down a short hallway and turned right. The room was clearly a magical space because there was no way it would've fit in the building otherwise. Shelving units reached to the ceiling ten shelves high. The building wasn't even that tall it was a ground floor set up. So, there was no space for upper floors. Wand boxes were stacked neatly on each shelf. Back against the furthest wall was what looked like a small potions lab. No doubt for wands that had liquid cores. As they had to be solidified to be stable inside the wand.

The far-right wall closest to Sirius had shelves brimming with wood. Most were tied in neat bundles and organized by color evidently. The lighter colored woods were at the bottom of the shelves. While the dark woods were stored near the top. Nearby the shelves was a table covered in saw dust. It was clearly a wood working table. Did wand makers have to shape the wood the muggle way with tools. Or did they use their wand with some kind of precision cutting spell? He honestly didn't know, and he was raised in the magical world. Though not many actually specialized in the art.

Two long tables dominated the center of the space. Tallis was standing near the closet table to him. She was placing a few pieces of wood exactly two inches apart on the table. The second table had been loaded with wand cores. Bundles of hair and fur were the first he noticed. Then jars of 'parts' is what best described it. Nails, talons, teeth, scales, feathers, eyes, etc. While other items were in vials. The liquid cores of course. Beyond that were jars of...gems? Rocks? Either way they were shiny.

"Are you ready?" Tallis asked.

"How do we do this?" Sirius asked.

Because he himself had never seen or done anything like this. Tallis moved to the table with wood.

"First you will walk along each side of the table. Touch each piece of wood and feel with your magic. If it feels right pick it up and put it in your non dominant hand. It's uncommon for someone to have more than one wood type. But on rare occasions someone is so powerful magically that they need it. The same could be said for cores. All you need to do is touch the item. If it's in a jar or vial don't open it. Just touch the glass and feel with your magic. The stones at the end are Foci or focus stones. Some people need a little extra help channeling their magic. It's not a sign of weakness but of power. And then you hand me everything you picked up. Only pick up an item if it pulls at your magic strongly. You might find partial matches...but only the strongest is recommended for quality." Tallis explained.

Sirius nodded and ran his finger down the first piece of wood. White Aspen...it felt...awful. White Oak made him feel nauseous. And it continued as he made his way down the side with light colored wood. Sirius had the feeling he would have a headache after all this. On the other side was the dark colored wood. He started with Cherry wood and hissed. It felt like needles were prickling his hand. He felt a partial tug towards the Dogwood, but it didn't feel the same. Sirius was sincerely glad his ex-friends had never found out what wood his previous wand had been. The amount of dog jokes they would make about him. Well, it would've been mortifying to say the least. He loved being Padfoot but having a dogwood wand and him being named after the dog star. It was a bit much. He was getting a little worried as the wood dowels were thinning. Only four more woods were on the table. 

What if none of the remaining woods picked him? Did that mean she simply didn't have the right ones. Or did that mean there was something wrong with him? Was he still too broken despite the healer's best efforts? Walnut sent shivers through his body. Mahogany felt too warm like it would burn through his skin. Just two more choices...With bated breath he touched a stick of Ebony wood. His magic wrapped around the length of wood. It felt cool to the touch and the odd experience of being outdoors flashed before him. He could practically smell the crisp scent of Honeysuckle. The feel of a gentle breeze seemed to whip through his hair. It was...perfect! The utter calmness that had engulfed him was like a hug. 

Shaking his head Sirius smiled and picked the Ebony wood up. He still tried the last wood to be certain it was Wenge wood. It didn't seem to give him any response at all. Not a good or bad response. Just nothing...blank...empty. He stepped back and moved to the second table. The reason why he had the wood in his other hand instead of giving it to Tallis. Was that the core had to be able to mix with the wood. Some cores and some woods were entirely incompatible. For all the books that resided within the Black family library. Only one was about wands. Sirius had been fascinated with that book. Wands were always exciting to magical children. It was like a rite of passage, receiving a wand was the halfway point to adulthood. 

Sirius purposely started with the bundles of hair. Like with the wood certain feelings came to mind. Unicorn tail hair felt much like the Mahogany wood. Like it was trying to burn the skin off his hand. Demiguise  fur made him feel dizzy like he was going to faint. He continued through two more bundles. The last bundle gave him pause as he couldn't immediately identify what creature it was from. With great trepidation he carded his fingers through it. Sirius was surprised as his magic tangled and wrapped around each individual strand. It felt cold and silky to the touch. A tag attached said 'Threstal tail hair".

He blinked in surprise wondering about the bizarreness of his choice. Threstal's were associated with death. Mainly because one had to see someone die just to get a glimpse of the creatures. Their skeletal like bodies did nothing to dissuade that notion. Had Azkaban really changed him that much? None the less he placed it with the Ebony wood in his left hand. He started with the 'parts' jars. He was very glad the Newt eyes weren't compatible. Gryphon talons made him shiver. Thunderbird feathers literally sent an electric shock through his hand. Occamy scales felt he was being stung repeatedly. He touched a jar of black colored nails in it and regretted it instantly. Sirius fell on his ass as he struggled to breathe. Cold seeped into his bones as he bit back a scream. Terror ran through him as he shook. 

Tallis was in front of him talking but he couldn't hear her. It was like she was muted...after several deep breaths. And one constant thought danced through his mind: " You aren't thereanymore! They aren't here to hurt you anymore!".

"What is it? What the hell did I just touch?" Sirius shouted.

He winced at the volume of his own voice. 

"Dementor fingernails." Tallis replied.

Her face was a combination of fear and concern. All the color drained from his face as he shivered. What the fuck??? How did one get a hold of those? Sirius couldn't imagine those horrid creatures just giving away its fingernails. That was just crazy!

"Sirius are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't even think about it when I gathered the cores on the table." Tallis said, her voice wavering.

He breathed out harshly as he willed his body to stop shaking.

"Do you still want to continue?" Tallis asked.

She was eyeing him barely concealing the pity within its depths.

"Yeah, just take away anything else that is from Dementors please." Sirius asked, hating how much his voice trembled.

Tallis helped him up off the floor. While she was taking away the Dementor nails he released the death grip he had on the other two items. Sirius was surprised he hadn't broken the stick of Ebony wood. The fear had hit him so intensely that he'd just reacted. He closed his eyes centering himself. When Sirius opened them again, he grabbed a jar of Merfolk scales. Like the Wenge wood he felt nothing. He picked up another vial and was confused. It felt pleasant but not to his magic. It seemed to tug on the weakened remains of Harry's magic.

Godfather bonds can manifest in two different ways. It can manifest as a feeling or an awareness. Sirius had been able to feel Harry's magic thrumming near his heart. Or the bond would physically manifest into a magical tattoo. The tattoo varied from person to person. No two bond tattoos were alike they were always unique. It was rare to have both of those manifestations. And of course, his bond with Harry had been both. After the ceremony Sirius had stayed at James's house. In the bathroom mirror he had found a a single black pawprint. It was bigger than a dogs. But wasn't right for the shape of the paw. It had sharper claws almost like a huge cat paw. 'Harry' was scrawled in a messy slanted script just below it. And the other weird part was the position. It had appeared in the perfect center of his back. Above his lower back but below his shoulders. Ironically his heart lay just beyond the tattoo, skin, and spine. In the exact place where he had felt Harry's magic. The irony wasn't lost on Sirius, Harry was his pup, his child. He would say in all but blood. Except Harry had Black blood in his veins.

And Sirius firmly believed if not for their shared familial magic, the bond might have snapped or disappeared. One doesn't just disavow their blood and magic. That alone would've destroyed the tattered remains of their bond. But it survived the severing if not a bit weakly. Time with Harry would strengthen it once again. Back to the strange reaction that had led him down that mental tangent. Why would Harry's magic react to.... Sirius turned the label....Niffler fur??? 

What the hell? Weird didn't even begin to cover it. Since when was Niffler fur used for wand cores? Tallis seeing his reaction moved closer.

"I'm sorry that shouldn't have even been among the picks. I guess I'm more nervous than I thought. A friend of mine works at Gringotts and cares for 'A Mischief of Nifflers'." Tallis said, enthusiastically.

Sirius gave her a blank look.

"A Mischief is what you call a group of Nifflers. Niffler fur hasn't ever been used for wand making. So, it's an experimental ingredient for me. I mean when you think of Nifflers one tends to think of money. You know since they love shiny things. And wizarding money is nothing if not shiny. I don't know I'm hoping to start a trend like that American bloke. You know the one that always made his with White River Monster spine." Tallis said, excitedly. 

Sirius's eyebrows rose...sadly he could imagine it. Nifflers were associated with fortune due to their thieving habits. It had never been tried before so far. He hoped they were protected under a creature law. While taking fur wasn't bad in the sense it was like shearing a sheep. The fur grows back but there are those that might actually hurt the creatures. Some Collectors didn't care if they harmed the creature in question or even killed them. People had gone overboard on dragonhide. And while it wasn't as bad as it was in the beginning. It's one of the reasons the dragon population was endangered. And collection of dragonhide was done by dragon handlers when they shed their scales. It's also why the goods made of dragonhide are expensive. Nifflers were already coveted for their abilities. As much as he wanted Tallis to succeed and become a wonderful wand maker. He also hoped she found a different 'trend setting' ingredient. Preferably not something alive. 

"That's uhh, great." Sirius said, absent mindedly.

He was touching each of the vials that had liquids. Venoms, bloods, or saliva. None reacted under his touch which he was grateful for. Sirius also touched some of the Foci stone containers. None of them pulled at his magic. Thank Merlin, his wasn't that special. 

"Nothing else seems to react like these." Sirius said.

He handed Tallis the bundled of Threstal hair and the Ebony wood block.

"All right I will get started on it. I estimate about two hours, but it could take much longer. Wand work isn't precise in this, either it's fast or easy to construct. Or the ingredients fight you the whole time." Tallis said.

Stepping back into the hall he released a shaky breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Squaring his shoulders Sirius went back into Knockturn Alley. Rather than stay to look around he went Diagon. He had some time to waste just yet. Maybe he could get something for Harry then. The last time Sirius had gotten him something was when he was an infant. Looking around he spotted the Quidditch store. Harry was new to the magical world maybe he didn't have a broom yet. Yeah, he wasn't going to go overboard...well not yet anyway. He had nine birthdays and just as many Christmases to make up for. But Harry didn't know him that well. And the last thing he wanted to do was scare the poor kid by being too enthusiastic. After browsing the store.

He decided on getting two of the Nimbus 2000's. One for Harry and one for himself. He couldn't wait to show Harry how to play Quidditch. His happy mood plummeted again as memories of playing with James surfaced. Sirius ruthlessly squashed those memories and buried them. Those memories had meant so much to him. So much so that he had protected them from Dementors. Now the memories were sour knowing James was the reason he was around Dementors to begin with. The clerk handed him the wrapped packages and shrank them for him. All Sirius knew next was that his luck was shit. 

Stepping back outside he had caught a glimpse of someone who looked like Remus. Ducking his head he hoped to not be seen just in case. Sirius turned to head to Flourish and Blotts. That way he could hide among the stacks. 

"Sirius?"

Fuck. Not today.

Turning he backed up a step as Remus was closer than he anticipated. The other man had obviously run to catch up with Sirius.

"Oh, so now you know I exist." Sirius said, sarcastically.

Remus blinked at him his mouth slightly ajar.

"You might want to cast a Muffilato. This might get loud and have sensitive information." Sirius said.

Remus still looked confused but complied anyway.

"So, is this a coincidence or designed by Dumbledore?" Sirius asked, biting back his bitterness.

"What are you talking about? Dumbledore doesn't even know where you live. I was here to scope the Alley to see if maybe Harry would be here. Dumbledore thinks that whoever has him will eventually come here. You know since they might try to access the Potter vaults." Remus replied, confused.

"So now you care about Harry? Where were you when he needed a guardian?" Sirius asked, scathingly.

"Sirius you know there is no way the Ministry would have let me have custody." Remus said, pleadingly.

"Oh, the werewolf excuse again. You said Harry was your cub and yet you did nothing to fight for him! I guess I shouldn't be surprised since you didn't come to visit me in prison either. Not to mention you never even wrote to me." Sirius said, gritting his teeth.

Always the same fucking excuse for everything the other man didn't do. Werewolf. Every time like it suddenly absolved him of any responsibility.

"Wait they get mail at Azkaban?" * Remus shakes his head* "Okay Harry is and always has been my cub. But going to jail because I tried to fight for him isn't a good option. All I have to do is display even the slightest hint of anger. And they'll take as a sign of aggression from a monster. Dumbledore swore he had Harry covered and that it was safer to not have contact." Remus huffed indignantly.

Sirius resisted the urge to strangle the other man. He had completely dismissed the Azkaban thing. Remus really was a Dumbledore brainwashed idiot. He wondered if Remus would even care if he knew where Harry had ended up. Guess it was time to figure out if Remus was really in on it.

"Are you blind or just incredibly stupid?" Sirius asked, angrily.

Remus looked pissed and was going to say something. But Sirius cut him off to speak again. He didn't want to hear whatever half-assed excuse would pop up next.

"First of all, Dumbledore is a complete and total asshole. He was the one who swore in the secret keeper. He knew I was innocent and did nothing to help me! Nine years of hell and he could've prevented it. Not to mention how shitty it was that you never came to see me. Not once and what.... you just automatically believed in my guilt? What kind of friend are you? Then to add insult to injury that idiot Dumbledore left Harry with Petunia! You know damn well she didn't do shit to care for him. She hates all magical people! And the icing on the cake is that James and Lily aren't even dead! How could you just go along with their bullshit plan?" Sirius shouted.

He had been entirely too happy to see how pale the other man had gone. But the most damning thing was that Remus was shocked. His mouth was open, his eyes wide, and his fists clenched. So, Remus hadn't known about their little plan that made two of them.

"What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean by alive?" Remus asked, letting out a growl.

Of course, that was the only thing that Remus caught out of everything he'd just said. He resisted the urge to bang his head into a brick wall.

"I mean that according to Gringott's records they are still alive. I of course got a new portfolio for my accounts. And I checked my will Remus you know full well that they magically update if someone dies. They are listed as alive! They are still on the Potter tree, their names would've been faded otherwise. And guess what they have another kid named Bianca! You can't have kids if your dead Remus!" Sirius shouted indignantly.

He was so glad they had used those spells. The look of horror on Remus's face faded as anger set it. 

"How could they! This... why the fuck are they pretending to be dead?" Remus asked, angrily.

Of course, out of the whole conversation Remus hadn't once acknowledged Sirius. As in the other man never asked how he was doing. Remus never even gave him a straight answer about not visiting him. It was nice to know that Sirius didn't even rate as a priority to Remus. He was so over his ex-friends it wasn't even funny.

"Oh, your guess is as good as mine, but Dumbledore knows they aren't dead. Everything goes back to Dumbledore. Maybe you should go ask him why." Sirius said, gritting his teeth.

"I'll see you later. I got to go." Remus said, dismissively.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at the other man's back. Well, fuck you too. What an asshole! He needed some new friends. 

3rd person pov

Throughout Sirius and Remus's conversation neither of them had noticed they weren't alone. No, hidden on the back of Remus's collar had been a certain green beetle. A very smug little green beetle indeed.

There was no way this wouldn't make front page news. Oh, her editor would be frothing at the mouth. Even if she couldn't write about Black, it didn't matter his companion would be enough. She had decided to find the man as he was close with Black before. Now she only wished that Black's lawyer wasn't serious about suing. This was perfect and it even implicated Dumbledore. She flew as fast as her little wings allowed. Before landing in an empty side Alley. She turned back into her human form and started writing furiously.

Remus-

Remus was incredibly pissed off. This was not what he expected to happen when he'd seen Sirius. He had been confused as to why Sirius hadn't contacted him. And then everything had come crashing down. Nothing had prepared him for what he'd been told. 

They were Alive, why were they playing dead? And why wasn't Harry with them instead of Petunia? Why didn't they contact him? Were they all not friends anymore? Did they not trust him anymore? After apparating he stomped through the gates of Hogwarts. He headed straight to Dumbledore's office glaring at the gargoyle standing in his way. Either the gargoyle was intelligent enough to be scared or told Dumbledore he had a visitor. Because the gargoyle moved without a password.

Storming up the stairs he didn't even knock. He took Dumbledore by surprise when he burst in.

"Remus my boy is something the matter?" Dumbledore asked, confused.

He grits his teeth, really old man?

"They're alive! Why didn't you tell me!" Remus shouted angrily.

Dumbledore froze as the color left his face entirely.

"Remus, it wasn't personal..."

Remus cut him off.

"Wasn't personal of course it was fucking personal! They were like my family, and you said nothing!" Remus shouted.

Dumbledore stood abruptly.

"We needed everyone to think they were dead. It was for their own safety. We had this as a backup plan. We suspected there was a mole amongst the Order. We couldn't trust anyone at the time. And it was a good thing that we didn't. Because they would've been dead that night otherwise." Dumbledore said.

"What about Harry? Is what Sirius said true? Did you really leave him with Petunia?" Remus asked.

Why, why didn't they trust him. Thinking back to all those years ago. He had never given them a reason to doubt him. At least he had thought so anyway.

"Yes, I had thought that it would be best to hide Harry in the muggle world. Maybe you should sit down and have some tea. Maybe some lemon drops and biscuits?" Dumbledore suggested.

The other man summoned a house elf who complied with Dumbledore's suggestion.

"You shouldn't have done that Petunia hates magical people! You set Harry up to have a shitty childhood. And your offering biscuits and lemon drops like nothing is wrong at all. Why not hide him with his parents? Why not fake his death too?" Remus asked, confusedly.

That's one of the biggest things he didn't understand about the logic of the situation. Wouldn't Harry be safer if everyone thought he was dead? Then he could've been with his parents and his sister. Merlin it was so strange to know that Harry had a sibling now. It didn't seem real.

"Because the world needed a symbol of hope. Someone to place their hopes and dreams on. And you know about the prophecy Remus. He couldn't just disappear like that. Besides the blood wards would've only worked with Petunia." Dumbledore said, humming.

Dumbledore was making a cup of tea not even paying full attention to Remus. Did that man not hear himself talk? He just said Harry couldn't disappear like that. Yet Dumbledore had Harry disappear to Petunia's. Where nobody knew where he was. So, what was the difference then? Because Remus couldn't find the logic in that statement at all. Was this really the man so many had put their hopes on? This was the man he had entrusted his life to. He felt sick just thinking about everything. Merlin this was all so fucked up. Why hadn't he seen any of this before?

Sirius-  

After his confrontation with Remus, Sirius had gone off and went to Flourish and Blotts. He really wanted a pint of beer or anything alcoholic really. But after going so long without drinking. Sirius knew his tolerance level would be pretty low. That and Sirius wasn't sure if he'd ever stop. He had way too many reasons to drink. But the last thing he wanted was to be drunk the first real time he was with Harry.

So, Sirius went book shopping hoping to cool off and reset his mood. It had worked rather well. As all thoughts of Remus and Dumbledore had left him. Sirius found several books that interested him. He got several new books: 2 for Transfiguration, 2 copies of Quidditch through the Ages (one for him and one for Harry), 3 books for Runes, and 5 books for DADA. Sirius wasn't sure if he'd return to working or not. 

Between his account and Uncle Alfred's, Sirius had more than enough to not work for years. But once Arcturus dies the Black family vaults would leave him comfortable for life. It was as Healer Brown said: "Don't make major decisions right away to feel normal. Take your time and heal, there is no set time to grieve." And grieving was exactly what Sirius was doing. He grieved the life he'd lost from all this. Sirius grieved all the things that could've been most of all. He picked up his wand from Tallis. He was thrilled when his fingers touched the wood. She tried to give him a discount because of the little mishap. But Sirius only shook his head and paid her three times the worth of the wand. Leaving a tear-stained witch in his wake.

He huffed as he climbed the ridiculous number of stairs to Gringotts. In the lobby a guard goblin waved him over. They took him to Goldaxe's office, Caspian was already there. He looked so put together. That not even a strand of his hair was out of place. Which totally wasn't fair because even with new clothes. Sirius still looked not even half as well put together. Or maybe Caspian was just unfairly attractive.

He blanched at the thought and shook his head. Life was complicated enough, bad Padfoot, no drooling over unfairly attractive friends.

"Sirius, how has your day been going so far?" Caspian asked, casually.

Sirius bit back the annoyance that had ticked up upon the inquiry. 

"Everything was going smoothly until I was selecting wand parts. Accidently touched a jar of Dementor nails and nearly had a panic attack. Then I ran into Remus which might as well have been a one-sided conversation." Sirius said, sitting next to Caspian.

Caspian looked at him in a way that conveyed little surprise to the statement.

"I'm glad you handled the Dementor situation well. Dare I ask why in greater clarity was it one-sided?" Caspian asked.

At least Caspian cared enough to listen to him fully.

"I originally tried to avoid the confrontation entirely. But was spotted by Remus and didn't get away fast enough. So, I asked why he suddenly knew who I was. Because we've discussed before about how he never came to visit me. Both in Azkaban and later when I was in the hospital. So, I told him to use a spell so we wouldn't be heard. And asked him if it was a coincidence or one of Dumbledore's plots. He acted all confused and said that Dumbledore told him to be there. That he was hoping that the person who took Harry would eventually bring him to Gringotts. Never mind the fact that Harry was never kidnapped to begin with. So, then I confronted him about Harry. Remus has always said Harry was his cub. And werewolves are nothing if not incredibly protective of their cubs. I go why didn't you fight for Harry? Dumbledore left him with Petunia." Sirius said, huffing in annoyance.

"Oh, and pray tell what the genius excuse was for abandoning a child?" Caspian asked, sarcastically.

"The same excuse he uses for everything ever. Werewolf. Because apparently fighting to gain custody of your cub. Is an act of aggression that they'd put him in jail for." Sirius said, disgusted.

"What! That's...first of all that's the furthest thing from true. Werewolves can adopt children who they identify as a cub. Provided that no living relatives have any claim. And that the werewolf in question can prove their ability to provide. They must have jobs, a proper home, and a safe place to transform during the moons." Caspian stated, in his lawyer voice.

"Thank you! He's always been so ignorant about werewolf things despite being one himself. Remus is so afraid they'll arrest or kill him. That he spends most of his time hiding what he is. So, there is no way he knows the werewolf laws. I don't know if it's just Remus being afraid, Dumbledore keeping him in the dark, or pure ignorance. Or all of the above. But he lets his furry issue rule his life. He could've been there for Harry this whole time. It just really pisses me off." Sirius said, angrily. 

"I understand how you feel. In all honesty the Ministry does nothing to educate either the people or werewolves. I believe this is why the werewolf clans so heavily supported Voldemort. They feel marginalized like their plight doesn't matter. They are treated by most of society as savage beasts that aren't human anymore. Which makes it all the worse. That being said Remus had the ability to find out. The information isn't hidden in any way from the public. So, what else did he say exactly?" Caspian asked.

"I said I shouldn't be surprised that he didn't fight for Harry. Any more than I was surprised that he never sent me a letter or visited. As is par for the course so far. He completely glanced over it didn't even answer me fully. Never once asking if I was okay or asking any other questions pertaining to me personally. Like fuck, if it had been me, I would've at least asked how he was. Then Remus just went back to Dumbledore. Saying the man had promised Harry would be alright. And that it was necessary for Remus to stay away from him!" Sirius said, snapping.

He instantly felt bad as it wasn't Caspian's fault. Caspian for his part gave him a reassuring smile.

"So, I went off on Remus telling him off about Dumbledore. Then I decided to see if Remus actually knew about James and Lily. And I took way more pleasure in his reaction than I should've. But dammit, other than Harry I'm the one that got the raw end of this bullshit. At least I wasn't the only clueless one in this whole scheme. So, then he asked me to elaborate further about that statement. And told him maybe he should ask Dumbledore. Because I honestly don't know. And I'm okay with not knowing the reason why. I assume it was for their safety. But why did I have to suffer for this crap? Why did Harry have to suffer for their choices? Either way I'm not interested in Dumbledore's half-assed explanations. Any more than I'm interested in Remus's excuses. I don't know what's worse really. James and Lily's absence entirely, Peter's betrayal, or Remus's apathy. I'm done really, I just don't understand any of it. I'm too tired mentally and emotionally to care. If you strip away everything else all that's left is anger. And I'm tired of being angry but I need to stick up for myself. Part of me just wants to say fuck all of them. And reveal their living status to the world." Sirius said, sighing heavily.

A hand grabbed his and squeezed before releasing his hand. 

"You should be angry and outraged beyond reason. And I was willing to reveal their status during your trial. But only as a last-ditch effort to save you if logic and evidence didn't prevail. Forgiveness is the hardest emotion to give to another person. Because some things really are unforgiveable. What you decide to do in the long run is up to you. Just take it one step at a time. Remember the reason why you're walking away. And who you're trying to protect. If you can't decide for yourself. Then decide whether or not they belong in Harry's life. Harry will do what he wants to do. But you can at least try to warn him off of certain people." Caspian said, gently.

That much was certainly true. He could tell Harry everything he knows and warn him off Remus. Not that Sirius would let anyone near Harry that he didn't a hundred percent trust. But if Harry somehow crosses paths with Remus. Harry might want to forgive and have a familial relationship with him. And Sirius wouldn't be able to stop him without driving a wedge between them. 

"That is true but he's already so independent and grown up. I feel like it might be too late to be a parent for him. I will take anything he's willing to give me. And hope that it's enough." Sirius said, sighing.

Caspian didn't get a chance to reply as Goldaxe came through the door.

"Welcome back, the little lord has given me instructions for your visit. They are as follows:

1) No jewelry, money, or anything shiny. He has a special Familiar that loves shiny things and will steal them.

2) There will be no leaving the interior of the house. This is more to disguise the location than anything else. He doesn't want anyone to attempt apparating on or near the property. For this visit only until stated otherwise.

3) The given portkey is only good for two trips. Once to go there and once to return to Gringotts.

4) He insists that if not a magical oath, then to sign a magical contract to not disclose anything about him, what is discussed, and the property. Which is the only way he will consider letting you visit more often. But that is for future visits and not for this visit. 

"I don't have a binding contract for secrecy drawn up just yet so we will have to go with oaths once more. The little lord will contact me after today to figure out if future visits. Are what he wants with the two of you." Goldaxe finished.

Well, his pup was definitely smart one. Smarter than Sirius had thought from the last encounter. The first condition did make him raise an eyebrow. If Harry's Familiar was what he thought, it was. Then the Niffler fur suddenly made so much more sense. Where on Earth had Harry encountered a Niffler? Caspian nudged his arm then looked at Goldaxe. Blanching he pulled out his new wand and swore his own oath. Then emptied his pockets of anything remotely shiny. Which was just his money pouch for Gringotts.

"Alright any items left here will be returned when you return. As for the portkey here, it is." Goldaxe said, producing a small item.

Within his gnarly hand was length of leather. A small pendent was hanging off of it...bracelet...not too long... necklace? The pendent caught his eye, why was that symbol familiar? He'd seen it before. The triangle with a circle bisected by a line. For the life of him he couldn't remember why the symbol was important. 

"So, when you're both ready say 'Hedwig'. When you decide to return say 'Gringotts'. I will see you both when you return." Goldaxe said. 

The goblin finished picking up their effects and left the room. They both stood and grabbed one end of the necklace. Sirius searched Caspian's eyes to make sure he was ready. And with that Sirius whispered 'Hedwig'. And the world around them blurred. The odd feeling of being shoved through a tube. Next thing Sirius knew he was laying on something soft.

A giggle sounded somewhere nearby.

"Uh, Sirius do you mind getting off me this floor isn't comfortable." 

Blinking in confusion he finally sat up. And looked down and blushed, he'd landed on top of Caspian. Damn that man has a firm body underneath his suit and robes. Scrambling to get up off of Caspian. More giggling erupted from Sirius's right side. Looking over he say Harry sitting on the steps of a large staircase. The same snowy owl was perched on his right shoulder. And a Merlin be damned Niffler was enclosed in his arms.

"Harry it's so good to see you. Hi Sirius and you brought Mr. McMillian too I see." Harry said.

Sirius blinked.

"Was I not supposed to?" Sirius asked, cautiously.

"It's alright I wasn't sure if he would or not. But the invitation was for him too." Harry said.

Harry looked down as the Niffler in his arms tried to escape his hold.

"That's good because Caspian's like my emotional support human. I'm still trying to piece together everything." Sirius said.

Caspian laughed and Harry snorted.

"So, Harry who are your friends?" Caspian asked.

"The owl is Hedwig my pretty girl. And the Niffler is Loki and trust me he lives up to his namesake. He's also why nobody is allowed to bring shiny things of any kind. The house-elves had to put sticking charms on a lot of things. Otherwise, Loki would've pilfered them." Harry replied.

A house-elf popped into the room.

"Lunch is ready to be served little master." 

The house-elf then popped away.

"That was Ferid our head house-elf. If you need anything he can get it. Let's head into lunch then." Harry said

Harry led them down a side hallway to a dining room. One end of the table was set up with dishes. Sirius was confused as to why there was an extra plate and a bowl to Harry's left. Sirius and Caspian sat to Harry's right. Hedwig walked off of Harry's shoulder and stopped at the plate. And Loki finally got free of Harry's arms and went for the bowl. Mystery solved. It was a bit weird that they would be eating with animals. But it was Harry's house and as far as Sirius knew the only person living here. So, if the kid wanted to eat food with his pets...nobody would care. The food appeared moments later, as their drinks filled just as fast.

Sirius peered closer at what the animals ate. Hedwig's plate had small thin chunks of some kind of meat. The meat had steam coming off it, but the meat didn't look cooked at all. Chicken maybe? But that was just based on the color and shape. Loki's bowl was different too. There were chunks of vegetables: Cucumber, mushroom, celery, and beet slices. On the other side was herbs...or plants? They were definitely plants of some kind. For the humans their drinks were different. Harry was drinking some kind of amber liquid...juice maybe. He also had several potions vials near his plate.

Which was curious. Sirius wanted to ask him but didn't want to seem too intrusive. Picking up his own glass he gave it a sniff. Scrunching his nose, he sat it back down. Red wine of a vintage and flavor he didn't recognize by smell alone. But then Sirius's memories of previous wine drinking occasions were hazy at best. Their plates had roast beef smothered in spices and olive oil. The next item was a serving of what Sirius assumed was a vegetable stir fry. Followed by mashed potatoes and a brown gravy. The roast beef was juicy...probably the best he'd ever had. He was pleasantly surprised to taste garlic, cheese, and bacon in the mashed potatoes. And the veggie stir fry was crisp in a delicious way not in an undercooked way. It was a delicate balance. If you steamed vegetables too much, they were soft and soggy. Too little and they were undercooked for whatever recipe was being made.

A loud burp sounded as Sirius nearly choked on his wine in surprise. Looking over Loki was apparently done. And was climbing out of the bowl nearly toppling it over. Tiny clawed paws were tipping the rim of a small glass. That was clearly water since it was Harry's. And house-elves would never give an underaged child Vodka. Which was the only clear liquid besides water that came to mind. Harry scooped up Loki cradling him in his arms like a baby. Harry started rubbing Loki's very full very plump tummy. Sirius snorted; it was just so damn cute!

After everyone was done, they ended up in a sitting room. It was very clearly blue...from the pillows and couches to the walls and curtains. Hedwig had gone off somewhere as she had disappeared from sight. Loki was dozing in Harry's arms his from paws curled in. And a single hind paw sticking up with each tiny toe spread out. Sirius pulled out a shrunken book and broom. Leaving them on the coffee table between them. 

"Oh, you didn't have to bring anything." Harry said, with a complicated look on his face.

"I really wasn't sure what you would like or not. I know you're new to the magical world. And thought you could use a flying broom. I have a lot of missed Birthdays and Yules to make up for. Quidditch was one of my favorite past times with your fath..." Sirius cut off.

Memories of playing Quidditch with James crossed his mind. Pain and loss went through him. 

"It's okay to mention him, I mean he was your friend. Good or bad the two of you have history. My ex-father and that traitor Pettigrew aside, I still want to hear about you. I'm not going to get mad or be sad about it. I don't want to be treated like I'm fragile. Percival mention Quidditch to me before. I wasn't sure if it would be something I wanted to learn. He did say if I liked the goblin carts then flying would be cake for me. I just figured I'd wait a little longer." Harry said.

Loki had perked up at the mention of that name...Percival. Who was Percival? Was he the mysterious friend that helped Harry? If so, where was he? He turned to Caspian who seemed to have the same question on his mind.

"Well, maybe someday soon I can teach you how to play." Sirius said, cautiously.

Harry smiled.

"I think I'd like that. Will you tell me about when you went to Hogwarts? I'm not going to that school so I'm curious." Harry asked.

Not going to Hogwarts? There were plenty of other schools it was just so weird to think Harry wasn't going to Hogwarts. So, Sirius told him about his Hogwarts journey from first year to last. With Caspian adding in little tidbits about his own experience.

Caspian's pov

If you asked him how the madness in front of him happened. Caspian would have no explanation for how it devolved. Somehow, they had gone from talking about Hogwarts. To someone wanting to play a game. And that was where it all went downhill. Caspian was sitting in the middle of the staircase in the entrance hall. Hedwig had returned and was sitting on the railing nearby. 

The chaos was on the floor below as Sirius vs. Loki/Harry was playing out. Loki was hopping around on Harry's shoulders and head alternatively. Large tubs filled with balloons were on either side. And the balloons were filled with paint in varying colors. Loki despite being small had wicked aim. He hit Sirius more often than Harry did. The entire floors and walls were a complete mess. Caspian seriously pitied the house-elf that had to clean this up.

But he couldn't find it in him to regret not stopping them. Harry the guarded closed off child was giggling and grinning from ear to ear. Sirius was also grinning as he dodged the small paint bombs. The man easily looked fifteen years younger. Considering Sirius had barely been twenty when going to prison. It was a drastic change as Azkaban had a habit of aging its occupants far older than they were. Sirius himself wasn't flinching or even looking depressed. He was the best word...alive. And it was as amazing as it was heartbreaking that something so simple. Was what was needed to open the closed off man up. To bring life into every facet of Sirius's being.

Ferid popped up and whispered in his ear. The elf popped away as Caspian stood. 

"Hey guys cease fire! Ferid says we have an hour before dinner. Time to get cleaned up." Caspian shouted.

Sirius and Harry froze but Loki didn't. The cheeky little Niffler threw the balloon in his paws. And nailed Sirius right in the face! Sirius wiped the paint from his eyes and glared at Loki. Sirius looked like he was going to strangle the little guy. When laughter full and lyrical sounded through the silence. Sirius seeing Harry laughing loudly looked at Harry in awe. Before he himself dissolved into laughter. Loki for his part was lying flat on Harry's head. His paws pulling at little tufts of Harry's hair. The little Niffler was holding on for dear life. As Harry's body shook from laughter. What made Caspian laugh though was the look on Loki's face. 

The creature looked almost smug with his little tongue sticking out. He couldn't help it, Caspian let loose a deep booming laugh that only got harder. As he looked at Hedwig who was giving them judgmental looks. Sirius tried to stand and slipped back onto his ass. Harry had long since fallen on the floor still laughing. Godfather and child had to physically hold each other up. As the floor was really slick, which turned into a hug.

They carefully made their way to the stairs. With Caspian smothering his laughter at their appearances. Harry was covered in light blue, purple, and red paint. Sirius was covered in the most eye searing colors. Neon pink on his face and shoulders. Neon green, yellow, and bright orange covered the rest of his body. Despite the terrible clashing colors Sirius somehow pulled it off. And dare he think it rather cute despite it all. Loki was the least effected by paint. No doubt because he could use Harry's body as a shield. Loki only sported pink paint on his butt. Sirius had managed to get one hit on the little mischief maker. Caspian laughed again as multicolored paint footprints trailed after the trio.

Dinner was a lively affair. This time the humans were eating cedar planked salmon with dill and lemon on top. Sautéed baby potatoes and mushrooms in a garlic butter herb sauce. Loki was well eating his usual spread of veggies. Well Loki was when not lobbing chunks of cucumber at Sirius. Sirius would retaliate with mushroom chunks. Harry was horribly amused as man and Niffler worked out their differences. Caspian was just grateful that Loki had bridged the gap between godfather and child. His only true regret was that it would be over soon. But hopefully Harry will be open to more frequent visitations.