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The first time we met, I didn't know Harry. I had no idea. All I saw in you was a poor, naive, love-deficient, lovely little boy who was entirely his father's lookalike. I know a lot of people have told you Harry already, but your eyes are really your mother's. I promised them that I would protect them and take care of you, but I regret that I didn't recognize the signs earlier at the time. Yes, and I'm not getting any younger, you know. Indeed, I could take this for my elders, but I know very well that I myself am naive, incredulous. I didn't believe in it, even though maybe I should have. And even though it took me more than four years to realize it, believe me, I frown on my stupidity at the time. I was stupid, and I'm terrified that I can't do anything for you anymore. But I know exactly what you are going through right now. These feelings.
Believe it or not Harry, when I was younger, I was believed to be a savior. To the chosen one. That's why I feel guilty, Harry, when I think about it. I'm doing the same thing to you that they once did to me. I used to think everyone was against me and no one understood me, but now, I got older and I realize, they did what they thought was right. They looked at other people's points of view, not mine. I'm sorry Harry. While I had time to live out my teenage years carefree, safe, free, in love, you live your daily life like you're skinned. Locked up, bound in a world ruled by your scar.
Friends are important Harry. Always put them first, set them as a goal, fight for them and keep them safe. Many friends will help you through the difficult times. And best friends are the most understanding people. Still, watch out Harry, be careful. Keep a few secrets to yourself the way I did. There are some things they would never understand, after all. I know, believe me.
It was there, in the Ministry, that I was shocked by the reality. It hit me. Which I couldn't see from behind my crescent-shaped glasses, Harry. Your gaze, said everything. Then and there, I realized what a foolish old man I was. How come I didn't notice it sooner? That's what I asked myself, Harry. When did this happen? Since? How? Why didn't I notice the signs?
I may not even know the answer to this question myself. I have only conjectures, but I know they are true. I don't even say them out loud. I don't want to accept them Harry. Why?
You know what I realized there, my boy?
How similar we are.
And I don't mean that we are similar on the outside, no. We are similar internally. I can see it in your eyes when it’s about Him. When he is insulted, you inadvertently tighten. Until now, I thought it was the natural reaction after what happened. But I had to realize the fact that I could be wrong.
I never told anyone, either, about these feelings, Harry. I can safely say that you, yourself didn’t tell anyone either. I always did what I thought was good, but never what was expected of me. No... This is a lie. Don't believe it Harry.
In my life, there was only one decision I really regretted. That I never told Him. You must be doing the same. My boy, you know, if I could, I would change the past. I have no idea how my life would have turned out if I had told him how much I loved him. But I listened cowardly, even though I was a member of the Gryffindor. Funny, isn't it?
You know, Harry, when I look at you, I see myself, really. You're also walking the path I walked before you, decades ago, if not longer. Still, I don't know what to do. Even though I'm considered the greatest white mage in the world, I don't know what I'm supposed to do if you weren't like me. I don't know what would happen if you gathered enough courage and finally told Him how you felt.
Bet, Harry, you're wondering how He might react if you told him your feelings. I don't even surprise that you're scared, Harry. He's always been impetuous, though he's kept it a secret, but I don't even have a clue what he'd do if he found out. You're afraid he'd laugh, insult you, hurt your feelings, am I right? He would rub everything under your nose, sting you wherever he could touch you, in your weakest parts.
You are afraid that your heart will be broken. How do I know all of these? Oh, come on, Harry. I felt it too. And I have to say, I still feel it. I loved him so, so much. I don't know when, one day, I just woke up, Harry, to the fact that I loved him. The sun shone brighter in the sky, life blossomed, everything was beautiful and good, wonderful. We had ambitious plans for the two of us, we became friends over the course of a summer. We were similar in everything except one thing. He practiced black magic. It seemed that he even loved it. A lot.
If my feelings had been reciprocated, I would have care about that. I would have done anything for him to pay attention to me. He could have taken everything from me and I would have given it all to him. I loved him, and I still love him now. Since then, it's just him for me, I haven't fallen in love with anyone else. I didn't even want to. You know I think... I couldn’t fall in love anyone but him.
That summer day, when I first saw him, I was already lost. This secret, you see, I still carry with me years later. I believe I will hold it until my death. This is my sweet little secret, only mine, which I guard fearfully, protectively, like a most precious treasure.
My heart closed the day he was locked up. But I had to do it.
After that, the rest is history. You've heard of him too, Harry, about our fight, our battle. But his background only I know, is I alone.
That's why I don't want you to act any differently Harry. Do what I do and stay quiet. Don't say a word, please. Because I know what you would do if He said He would love you back, even if it was just a lie. You'd do everything for him, and I mean everything, Harry. If he could promise you anything, you would follow him, you would be by his side. Forever. You wouldn't care about anything but him, just him, just him, just him... You'd throw away the "Greater Good," you would throw away yourself, your friends, the wizards, your family, everyone.
How do I know that? Didn't I tell you, Harry?
We are similar.
After all, I would have done the same.