Chapter 3
Regulus didn’t believe a single word Sirius said then, and he certianly doesn’t now.
It’s been a bit, about six months, and Regulus hasn’t spoken to James since that fateful day in January. From what Regulus has seen and heard, James is dating Lily Evans—as he’d suspected months ago—it doesn’t look serious, and they’ve only been together a month, but he still feels that little pang of jealousy every time they post a photo together. How could someone move on so fast when their heart was broken? Regulus can’t even answer his own question, let alone find someone to answer it for him.
He’s feeling particularly down today after James posted another photo of “his dear Lily”—James’ words, not his. Also, it’s what would’ve been their 5-year anniversary.
It’s not a big deal. Regulus definitely didn’t instinctively stop to buy flowers and James’ favorite pizza on his way home from work, only to get there and remember there was no James waiting at home, no one to walk up and kiss him and hold him, no one to promise that he would be okay, that he’d be loved forever. Nothing.
So he ate the pizza and cried, gave the flowers to some old lady crossing the street, who showed him more love than he’d had in months. He’d cried even more after that.
Regulus hadn’t even talked to anyone else since he’d moved out of Sirius's house. He didn’t tell anyone where he was moving, and there was no way to track him. He stayed away from places he knew people he knew would go to, didn’t go to the part of town where James lived, and never left his little neighborhood. There was enough there anyways.
A supermarket down the street, a pizza place on the corner across from his building, a cafe across the street and down a bit, and the place he worked at not so far. He’d made himself a little life here, all alone. He even adopted a cat, and named it Artemis. She was sitting on the window now, he could see her from where he was in the kitchen. Basking in the sun, all happy and loved. There was no gaping hole in the cat's heart because nothing had ever hurt it. She would never know how he felt, and for that, he was grateful, because nobody—not even a cat—should have to go through that kind of heartbreak.
Alone in his flat, with a cat for company, Regulus lived, freely, for the first time.
~.~
Sirius found him eventually. Regulus isn’t sure how, but he showed up in his doorstep one day, with a box of crackers and a bottle of wine, and said he needed to talk.
“James is with Lily,” He’d said. “And, it, er, seems decently serious. I mean—I expected it, but, I also, didn’t. I hope that makes sense. Anyways—I haven’t talked to him since he told me, about a month ago, for your sake and mine. He’s my best mate, but your still my brother, and, honestly? You’re more important to me. James has plenty of people around him, supporting him, and you—you’ve got practically no one—no offense—nobody’s seen you for months, I mean. James has people, helping him through everything, even if he's not letting them. You cut everyone off, didn't say a word, and moved across the city. Disappeared.
“Your both coping differently. James surrounded himself with other people to distract himself from his feelings, jumping right back into a new relationship, hoping bit would fix something. You repressed your feelings, yes, but did it by cutting everyone off, and leaving so that your hurt wasn’t a burden to anyone else—it isn’t, by the way—but I just think you guys should talk this out so that in the future, nothing awkward. I didn't think there would be a time when my brother would date my friend, but here we are, and I'm asking you to talk, for my sake and yours.”
“No,” he said. “I won't. Not for me or for you, and especially not for him.”
“Don’t say that. Don't talk like he hurt you, because he didn't. He has done nothing, you left him, not the other way around. He doesn't blame you for anything. He understands, now, why you did what you did, but he doesn't have to understand. I told him that he should be mad at you. There is no reason for you to be mad at him because you're not the one who was hurt.”
“You think I'm not hurt? Do you think I wanted to leave him? Really? Because I'll be damned if I ever willingly spent a day without him.”
“I don't think you wanted to leave him, but you still fucking did. You had a choice.”
“I didn't! I didn't have a choice! Because our parents—”
“Our ‘parents’ couldn't give less of a shit what we do now. We both left, and they stopped caring if they ever started. They wouldn't care if you married him, or if you fucking married me—because apparently, that's so normal—they don't fucking care, Regulus!”
And he was right. Always was, the prick. their parents didn’t care, they never had. But there was still that looming feeling every time he did something they had never allowed him to do that they would show up and hurt him. They never had, of course, but it was a rational fear, and everyone knew that. So why were they all mad at him for being afraid? He was trying to keep everyone safe, he never meant to hurt anyone. So why were they hurting? Why had he caused so much pain? He didn’t mean to. He didn’t fucking mean to.
Why would you be mad at someone for being afraid?
Why would you be mad at someone for protecting people?
Why had he hurt everyone?
Why had he hurt James?
Why.
Why.
Why.
~.~
Regulus is standing in front of James’ door, not for the first time that day.
This morning, he stood there for fifteen minutes, then left to get coffee. Before lunch, he was there for half an hour, then chickened out and left again. Now he’s here again, and this time Sirius is talking to him, telling him to do it, saying that this is closure, after today it’s either over or starting again.
He knocks.
He waits. One, two, three.
He hears footsteps, and hurries down the hallway, down the stairs, and into the lobby.
Fuck.
He sits down on a chair near him, resting his head in his hands.
That was his chance to talk, to get closure, to apologize. And he fucking blew it. Good fucking job.
Go him.
Maybe he could do it over the phone. He still knows the number for the house phone they bought together when they moved in. Yeah, he can do that.
Regulus stays there for a moment, trying to figure out whether he should call from the lobby phone, the pay phone around the corner, or his own house phone.
He doesn’t want to go all the way home, just in case, and staying in this building any longer might make him puke.
Payphone it is.
He walks out of the lobby and turns left. The phone is only a few steps away, but those few feel like a million.
He steps inside the small red telephone booth, slides a few quarters in the slot, and dials James’ number.
“Hello?” A voice croaks out from the other end. James.
“Hey, James.” Regulus breaths.
“Reg? Why are you—“
“I just want to talk. I'm aware the last time we talked, it didn't go so well, but its been a while, so I was hoping maybe you'd be up for it.”
“Of course I am. Right now, or do you want to meet somewhere, maybe tomorrow?”
“In person, tomorrow, yeah. At that coffee shop that we used to go to all the time.”
“Okay. Yeah. I'll be there.”
“Thanks, James.”
“Of—” Regulus hangs up before he finishes, puts a few more quarters in, and calls his brother.
“Sirius, I did it.” He says, the second the call connects.
“You did? Reg—thats amazing.” Sirius answers.
“Yeah, yeah. It is.”