Chapter 1
Some song Regulus didn’t recognize was playing over the radio. James in in the kitchen, and he can here him singing along from his place on the couch. The gray blanket draped across his lap is covered in coffee stains from all the times Regulus had spilled some early in the mornings. The bookshelf across the room from him is filled with novels—publishing years ranging from the sixties to just last year—and a few plants James insisted on getting.
The smell of homemade pizza wafts through from the kitchen, and James pokes his head out.
“Love, dinners ready.” He says, with that look on his face that he’s only over uses with Regulus. That calm, lovesick sort of look, that only comes when you truly love someone.
Regulus removes the blanket from overtop him, standing from the couch. As he makes his way to the kitchen, the smell of pizza gets stronger.
When James passes him a plate, he says, “This looks amazing.”
James places a hand on his shoulder, dipping down to kiss the crown of his head. “Of course it does, I made it.”
This arrogant prick, Regulus is sad to say, he loves dearly. But yet, every time he says it to himself, it becomes a little less true.
James sits down across from him, his own plate set carefully in front of him. Regulus picks up his slice of pizza, and takes a bite. The melted cheese stretches, and he has to pull a bit to separate it from what’s left on the slice. James starts eating a moment later.
“It could be better,” James says. “But it’ll do.” Regulus laughs, light and airy, it almost sounds like he was simply breathing.
“It’s wonderful, honey.” And it breaks his heart a bit to say it, to say something so wonderful and sweet when he knows soon he won’t be able to say it anymore. He knows he’s going to break James’ heart, and he doesn’t mean to, really, but he doesn’t have much of a choice.
When they finish eating, James goes into their bedroom, grabbing exactly what Regulus thought he would: a small velvet box containing some expensive diamond ring that he spent hours picking out, finding just the right one for him. It pains him to know that whatever happiness high James is riding on right now will end in just a few minutes.
Regulus can see the box in his pocket when he walks back out a moment later, smile spreading while across his face. Oh how Regulus wishes he didn’t have to do this.
When James pours the champagne and hands him a glass, he starts hating himself even more. After a few glasses, it’s worse, because he knows it’s close. When the bottle is empty and they’re both so far gone, James gets down on one knee, and the self-hatred is all consuming.
After struggling a minute to balance himself after all the alcohol, he speaks, “Regulus Black, I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you. It was you’re first day at Hogwarts, and by then Sirius had already been talking about you for months, not one day since the one I met him did he stop talking about you. And when I saw you, even before we’d spoken, I told him ‘Sirius, if I marry you're brother one day, promise not to kill me.’ and he'd laughed at me, saying that I would never. But here I am, down on one knee with a ring he'd helped me pick out, asking you, Regulus, to marry me.”
And Regulus’ heart shattered, because how could he possibly say no to that. But he had to. He couldn’t not, because even if he didn’t, if he said yes, he wouldn’t ever get to marry James. His parents wouldn’t allow it, and though he’d left behind years ago, his mother still kept tabs on his life, every one in a while sneaking up on him somewhere in public, asking how he’s doing in the fakest voice he’s ever heard. He knows what would happen if he were to say yes. His mother would figure out and hurt him, or worse, James.
With all the courage he could muster up, Regulus said: “No,” James’ smile disappeared, happiness replaced by confusion.
“But, Reg—“
“I’m sorry James but no. It’s—it’s my parents. And know I ran away years ago, but that doesn’t— that doesn’t mean that can’t still hurt me, or you. I want to keep you safe. And—and if that means hurting you myself, then so be it, because nothing I could do is as bad as what they could.”
Regulus already had his bags packed, he was all ready to leave. He’d been planning this for days, ever since Sirius told him about James’ plan to propose. He would leave, stay at Sirius’ for how ever long he’d need to, and then avoid James as best he could for the rest of his life, or at least his parents.
James stands up from the floor, shoving the ring back into his pocket. “I don’t care if they hurt me, Reg,” He says. “I’d go through whatever hell they could possibly put me through, and come out the other side hurt, broken, and bruised, but still love you.”
That’s when Regulus breaks. He falls forward onto James, and James wraps his arms around him. He’s crying, and so is James.
“I’m sorry, James.” He says. But he isn’t, he won’t apologize for keeping someone safe. He steps away, out of what’s probably the last big he’ll ever get from James. His bags are in the closet by the front door, he’ll grab on his way out. He starts walking toward the doorway from the kitchen to the hallway, and James follows behind him. He opens the closet door, and grabs his bags.
“Regulus please, don't do this. There are so many other solutions to this problem. You don't have to leave. Please don't leave me.” The desperation in his voice hurts, and Regulus is so close to turning around and running back to the only comfort he’s ever known. But he doesn't. He turns the handle on the front door, then turns back to look at James one last time.
“I'm sorry, James. I love you.” He's drowning in his own sorrow, his own pain.
“If you loved me—” But he doesn't here the rest, because he's already out the door and down the hall, then he's in the lift, then the lobby, then on a bus, then standing in front of his brothers flat. He knocks on the door, and Sirius is there two seconds later, opening his arms and comforting him.
“I did it, Sirius. And I feel terrible. I shouldn’t have done that. It—it hurt him. I hurt him. I’m so sorry.” He’s clutching his brother now, bags left abandoned on the floor.
“Shhh, it’s okay. You were just protecting him. You did what had to be done, and nobody blames you for it, certainly not me.” Sirius hugs him tightly, squeezing him. “You’ll be okay, and so will he. It will take time, but one day you’ll be fine again. I promise.”
“Okay,” Regulus chokes out, but he doesn’t believe it at all. He’s feeling so much all at once and he doesn’t think it’ll ever get better. That he’ll be crying in his brothers arms for the rest of his life. That must be how heartbreak feels.