The sun. The very life we all breathe from, without which every soul on this Earth would disintegrate. We orbit around it, suck in its warmth with the morning rise, and bid goodbye to welcome the stars and the moon. Obstacles keeping the night bright. The sun's power is so talked about, it must be so nice, so warm, so peaceful. Relentlessly beautiful, yet no one can look at it long enough without getting blinded. To see what troubles roam, the one's always forgetful. All of us seem to forget that, the sun is also a star. It's not always bright, it's not special. It feels and aches just like anyone. It shares so much light it has none saved for itself. None to envision how much it's tiring. Getting blinded by the very shine bursting from its nature.
James Potter shared his soul with every individual granted with the loving heart his chest carries. He never saved enough time to see his feelings, see what holds a grip on his soul. It was always everyone else, being enough for everyone else.
At the ripe age of 10, James found himself in the presence of another star. No, not Sirius. Although he is also a star, the brightest star in the sky, his presence didn't make James's heart be pulled by this indescribable force that rumbled his lungs enough to make him stop breathing. Regulus. That was his star, that was James' star. The sun and the star touched for the first time, leading to galaxy eruptions, hurricanes, and earthquakes. The world spun for a minute.
The problem is when James felt this embedded into his brain, he let it flash by. A shooting star, he let Regulus be just that. He spent the next nine years carrying that fact and it was a painful weight to carry. It's not like he could forget, being enough for everyone yet the only person he wanted to be everything for slipped away from him. His entire sky craved only one star.
Now, as he lays down on his bed, his brain itching with million reminiscences of what could've been would've been and should've been his life now. The cold November fog outside couldn't cover up the night sky hard enough. All the stars are visible, clear, and blinding. James gets up with the power of a thousand suns to stare at one star in particular. His brain still itches, flying away to the one sacred memory locked in his heart, holy like a prayer. The night of July 23rd, the night he wishes he could turn back around.
July 23rd, 2017
James Potter had it all. He was the person everyone smiled around, everyone adored, and everyone sucked the energy from. He pranced around every hard obstacle in life, never letting it hit him. Never letting it stop him. He grew up in a relatively happy home, and grown into a big person with a bigger heart. A heart big enough to share around, a light bright enough to reflect on every person.
But, when you're a friend to all, you're actually a friend to none. You carry the weight of everyone's pain because you seem tough enough to do it. You put on this face and you shove all the tiresome thoughts in the dark corners of your mind. You seem stable, you seem happy. The sun shines bright enough so no one can see the cracks in its image. You paint the picture so no one can see the brushstrokes and cover-ups. The real pain is hidden and it overcomes you when no one is looking.
Now as he gets in his car at 2 in the morning, he uses a moment to himself to remember. The text from Regulus staring back at him on the phone screen. Maybe you should come over.
First things first, no sane person would get in their car, ready to drive miles after a text like that. Sure, If it was an emergency if it was so necessary. But, this message doesn't sound urgent, nor does it awake any worry. It's Regulus. The name rolls around in his head, awakening that same rumbling feeling in his lungs, his breath hitching. That's the scary part, no sane person would get in their car at this hour, to drive miles to see one person. Well thankfully, James knows he isn't sane. Every moment Regulus gripped his soul from time to time these last eight years, comes back to him in waves. Like a gathering storm, ready to lead him to the shore. To life.
He first remembers being at Sirius' house. It's not exactly one of the happiest of places, it never was meant to be. He knows the sort of horrors that went on in its halls, it's rooms and in the very shivers Sirius and Regulus let out when they see their parents are about to get home. It's nauseating and unsettling. James sometimes wishes he could take them both away, and let them live like normal kids. But, you can't have everything in the palm of your hand. Not even if you're the sun, a life to everyone.
„I personally think his Ziggy Stardust era was his best era, you know?“ Sirius asks him, holding up a David Bowie poster they picked up from under her bed. James, absent-mindedly, playing with the shoelaces on his red Converse, just nods along and laughs.
As Sirius shrugs, putting up the very poster above the headboard, knowing he will have to take it down again later when Walburga and Orion came back home. They never show bother to it, but James could see the light leave her eyes when he realizes it. Right after hanging it up.
Regulus walks in so quietly, you wouldn't even know he was there. But like some sort of magnetic pull, James finds himself turning to the door. Regulus Regulus Regulus.
He wants to say something but the smile on his face, as he watches Regulus take a seat in the corner of the room and just watch him and Sirius, stretches so far on his face it cuts into his cheeks.
„Can't believe we are starting high school next week. It's like we were outside in our joggers, eating snow like a bunch of bloody idiots. Me, you, Moony.“ Sirius says, not acknowledging Regulus' presence whatsoever. James wishes he could do the same, but again. That magnetic pull.
How do you get to look like that? How do you breathe the same air as me? How do you shine brighter than any other star? How do I get to hold galaxies in my arms, yet I want to reach just for you?
A million thoughts and unsaid words pass in his head. Wishing Regulus would feel that same magnetic pull and just look at him. Observe him, just like he does everything. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? Watching it all from the sidelines, sucking in every picture, every life because your own has been taken from you.
Somewhere in the depths of his own soul, James wants to be the sun for Regulus. Wants to give him back that life, wants to show him the love he can give, the love he is worth. That it's not rotten and destructive to love but rather consuming and beautiful. The sun and star never seemed more apart, the night closing in around them. Letting all the other stars overcome, letting life push them down to earth.
High school was a whirlwind. James was the golden boy, going around spreading that same sunlight all around. He started dating a lot, learning to love all over again. Learning to love differently than he was taught. He was a stupid teenager, impulsive, not really seeing anything past himself. Telling himself he didn't need anything, he wasn't missing anything. It was everyone else, right? Right.
Infinite moments would pass where he would catch a glimpse of Regulus. Standing alone in the hallways, sitting alone in the cafeteria, waiting alone at the bus stop. Just there, just existing. Still, a star, still holding a grip on James, a magnetic pull.
Sometimes, James would get the courage to walk up to him, the nerves setting him on fire. Shaping him into whatever he hopes would get Regulus to just look up and smile. Just to get Regulus to do anything at all.
They did talk many times, but those conversations never phased James on time. Always too fucking late. Sacred moments spent in Regulus' room, talking about sweet nothings. The sun and the star reflect each other, rising up to the skies. Returning home, together. So close, yet so far.
But a long time passed since that. Slipped away, rather. Regulus wasn't entirely alone anymore, he found some friends. He was better off without James, right?
James really hoped that wasn't the case. Why couldn't he just undress his desires, burst into flames, and reach out to Regulus?
He is driving to the house. He is tired of being everyone else's shoulder to lean on. He realized, now, eight years later, heard all of the world screaming at him. There's an entire forest inside him and Regulus carved his name into every tree. He finally felt it. He really wishes he isn't late.
The deafening porch light in front of the house entrance flickers. Breathe in, breathe out. James knocks on the door, turning around to look back at the sky. For a moment, he wants to reach out to the stars, again.
„James, it's 2 am. What are you doing?“ Sirius' raspy voice breaks the momentum.
„Oh, uh, Regulus called me. Well, he said I should come over. Now.“
„And did you by any chance see what time it is before you drove 40 miles for Regulus, who is, by the way, locked upstairs in his room? Reading and not at all in a social mood.“
Locked in his room? Why did he call James, then? The questions break out in a hive.
„But, nonetheless, come on in. It's just me and Regulus. Well, I don't live here anymore, I'm just crashing before I go back to Remus' tomorrow morning.“ Sirius says quietly, gesturing to James to come inside.
A few giggles and talks pass between them standing in the kitchen and neither of them know what to do with themselves. James really wanted to see Regulus, for even a second. Just to see him and feel him breathe and know the star is still in the sky. In its place.
As if the very magnetic pull sensed his thoughts, he hears footsteps.
Both he and Sirius turn around to see Regulus, standing at the top of the staircase. He looks very awe-struck and a red flush covers him from the neck up. Complete silence.
Reach out, James. Just reach out.
„Well, I- uh I have to go walk my fish!“ Regulus' voice comes out all cracked and rushed as he turns back around and sprints to his room.
Did Regulus not want him here? He texted him very clearly, very suggestively and now he flees. He has pushed away. Far away, like a star. James needs to stop thinking about it, he needs a distraction.
Ah. A party. Get absolutely shit-faced and not think about Regulus.
That's how he and Sirius found themselves laughing at the most random things, drunk to the bone, the loud music cracking through their eardrums. Everything was great. Just great.
Until Regulus shows up again. He looks calmer and just beautiful like always. Like since the beginning of time. James' vision is blurry but in his eyes, Regulus is so clear and bright like a star. And, to think he wanted to get his mind off of him. The minute he shows up again, his brain can't function to anything else.
For a moment, he just hovers between himself and Sirius. Standing very close up to the point in which James could chart every constellation in his eyes. Infinite, he feels infinite.
„Reg, hello? Regulus? Hello?“ he finally speaks, seeing as Regulus is sort of spaced out. Does he think James is acting weird? Breathe.
„What?“ Regulus snaps at him. He probably thinks he sounds angry, judging by the immediate regret that covers his face. To James, it's just a blessing to hear his voice again. Do it again, do it again. He goes back to his eyes. Tell him about his eyes, tell him anything.
"You were just standing, staring at me up so close I could see all the constellations in your eyes." The courage slips out for a moment, his body faltering in a swivel. His brain feels funny, maybe he shouldn't have drunk this much beer. Getting drunk on Regulus alone was good enough, but the hangover would hurt more.
"Oh, I just wanted to drop by to say hello, and see what's up, I see the drinks got you," Regulus responds after a time. The urge to not smile beats James, as his big sunny grin sends sparks flying around the entire room.
The alcohol and his heart take action before he thinks. He feels his hand buzzing with nerves. Reach out, reach out. Pick a star.
"You look so dumbed down. What's wrong, sad boy?" he says very timidly as his hand goes up to caress Regulus' cheek. He chose a star, in a sky full of stars he picked Regulus. The nerves slow down and for a moment, it's just the two of them. No music, no party, no toxins evading James' body. The sun and the star collide, finding a home. Further apart, the closer they are.
Regulus retracts from his arm. What a bloody idiot, reaching out to a star so cold and far away, yet so close and warm and here.
„Nothing, just tired.“ Regulus says so flatly, normally. Like he knows it too well. The feeling of being tired, not because of lack of sleep, but of his life.
"Let's go catch some air, somewhere quiet.“ James responds, slowly starting to drag Regulus outside. His mind could use it, the quiet. His lungs could use it, the air.
All the way to the front porch, James just looks at Regulus. It's the first thing his soul really adapted to. Chasing, chasing stars. Chasing Regulus. Like Orpheus, he is not strong enough to not look at what he wants. He's sick of the chase and hungry for blood. Hungry for love, he's tired of fighting for everyone else. He needs to touch the hand that grips his soul. Now or never.
Silence. They stand in complete silence, with empty words on the edge of their tired hearts. Two stars reflecting, speaking in a language of their own. Isn't that beautiful? To ache, to know the idea that Regulus is here and alive. The silence is loud, and James doesn't know what to do next. The air is here, the quiet and now the only question is really; is it better to speak or to die?
The sun is rising, welcoming its rebirth to the sky. It spills out light flares all over the universe, giving outer space a burning sensation. The flare touches every star, stopping on the one in the corner of the Earth. Regulus.
James is spilling his heart out in drunk agony. Regulus is pulling his rotten heart from the depths of his cold chest and giving it to James in joint hands. Infinity begins and ends at this moment. The sun and star were locked in an eternal embrace. The big bang shakes the world, creating it all new. Changing James' view, opening his mind.
The kiss leaves a mark, a wound. Regulus leaves, his heart dropping from their collision onto the ground. If James is drunk, why can he feel everything?
The sun and the star erupt into galaxies, million light years away. The space is steady again, is it for the better?
James' mind goes blank as he pulls the curtains of his bedroom window closed, the remembering hurting him like a knife twisted in his heart.
What to do? It's been a year. Regulus isn't Regulus anymore. It was too late, right? There are many different ways to kill the one you love, and the slowest, the most painful is never loving them enough. Nine fucking years, what a waste.
He paces around his room, gripping his phone and going over his thoughts. His memories.
The message starts typing itself, but he doesn't send it. Just stares, and stares until that magnetic pull reaches Regulus himself, and he would know. He would finally know.
I think I could have loved you better than anyone, and I can't stop making lists of all the times I almost told you that.
He doesn't send it, he isn't that brave. There's no point anymore. So he dwells more, and then the message types itself again. It sends this time and before he can dwell on it again, he is out the door. Reaching out to the stars again, shaking up the universe again.
It's fucking freezing and James is walking so fast, catching the moment again. Same process for the last nine years, this time it has to work. This time he won't let go. Corner of Cornelia Street and Main Street, that's where he told Regulus to meet him. Please be there, please let yourself be there.
He approaches the very corner where the streets meet, and he is there. Regulus, Regulus, Regulus.
„Reg, there you are.“ Every bad feeling in his chest dissolves and he is ready. Although it's late and it hurts, he is here. He reached the star, now the star just has to stay.
He doesn't say anything back. He is too tired to, I guess. James notices a bag between his legs and a very sorrowful look on his face. Just speak, speak, speak.
"Look, I asked you to meet me because I feel like there is something unspoken between us and it's torturing me to not let it out of my system. So, I put on my best face for you, again. Just like I did last year, that night outside your house. I was drunk, so the whole evening is in a blur. Except for one thing, Regulus. The kiss, no substance could make me forget that kiss. Or even the speech you gave me before. It was like I had to pinch myself to not take you away with me right then and there. But, then you left me alone. Again. Well, now you're going to hear me out. I almost embarrassingly remember when I first met you and saw you. When I picked you out from the night sky, thinking you were a star. My star. I was 10, I didn't know anything. All I feel and remember is how much you blushed when I grinned at you in mid-conversation with Sirius. You would just watch us, observe. That's who you are, an observer. You take up every detail, every sound and you do it with such serenity it amazes me how much you know. How beautiful your mind is. How much of a star you are. I took it for granted, I admit. I pranced around, going everywhere with Sirius and you were just left there. When I grew up, I started dating and you were just left there. Watching it all from your corner in the hall. It's like you could see right through me, you looked at me like I was the sun. All those years and I was too late. I'm always late, always too busy caring about others and their emotions before looking at myself to acknowledge what I feel and think. A part of me has always loved you and cared. I'm showing you that part now and I'm letting you see how it consumed me. I remember your face all too well, it appears in my dreams. It appears in the stars. Whatever part of you thinks that you're broken or rotten, let me fix it. Let me show you how much you can love because I know you can." It punches out of him, the very words that have sat in his heart for nine years, all the love contained inside him bursting out. He hopes it doesn't ruin Regulus, he hopes it doesn't ruin him.
Silence. Regulus still stands and watches James. A flash of something passes his constellated eyes but that's it. Just passing, like a shooting star.
Panic overflows James until he is drowning in it. Don't stop speaking yet, undress your soul. Speak.
The words start spilling out from him and he needs to breathe, to regain what he wants to say what he needs. He needs to stop punishing himself for being someone who has a heart. A heart he gave to another the minute he was born. The scrapes and the hole left were for everyone else. The core and the blood of it belonged to Regulus and just Regulus alone. From a storm to a disaster, James' mind shifts.
Regulus is reaching down for the bag that sits on the pavement underneath them. What is happening? Is he listening to James? Is he listening to the sun falling apart for him?
James' mouth goes dry as he sees Regulus pull out a gun from the bag and remove the safety. No, no, no, no, no. The star was slipping from his hands. Come back.
It hits him during this toxic panic, reflecting on Regulus himself. Being left alone by his brother, by his own life, by his happiness. Sucking in the life from everybody else to keep yourself breathing until you just can't. Until you just want to rot, until there's nothing to hold on to. The bag underneath his bed, was this? He reflects again and it feels like James' soul separated from his body, all feelings rushing to transform into a sob choked in his throat. It's so clear now, the why.
Regulus was always ready to go.
He watches Regulus lift the gun right underneath his chin and stares at James. His hands are shaking, but he isn't scared. He made peace with death a long time ago. Home was his first grave.
"Reg, what are you doing? Reg, please. I love you, and I know I've been a fucking idiot, I've been so fucking blind. Playing this role as the sun, trying to be something bigger than myself. Give, give, give until I am empty and I can't even see what I feel. Nine years, it took me to realize that the rest of my life won't be enough to forgive myself. I always felt this magnetic pull to you and that pull exploded that night last year in July. Because you returned it, you felt it too. Andi t hurt so much to see at that moment that I fucked up. I should have spoken, I should have chased you in the halls, I should have realized sooner that I was too afraid to spend years trying not to need you. My entire life, I needed people to need me, the sun. I needed to be enough, to not be weak. To not show that I am just human but now I'm just thinking. What if I need someone too? What If I need someone to care for me too? What if I am human too? I need you and that's the most human thing about me. You always watched over me, like a star. My star. Don't go, Reg. Don't go to the stars without me. The sun will go eclipse and life will lose all its meaning, all its sense.“ James says, between gut-wrenching sobs.
Silence. The last silence.
"Hey, James. I love you, but it's for the better." Regulus chokes out, touching James' shoulder. Three shots and James feels like throwing up. Regulus. Blood. Everywhere. Gone.
His body drops forward into James, he's still breathing. Only just.
James is no longer breathing. Only just.
Stay alive, stay alive, stay alive.
James chants quietly, as he drags Regulus' body across blocks and blocks. There is so much blood on his hands and he has to stop himself from checking on Regulus because he will hear those three gunshots again. He will hear his soul dying again.
The sun is only bright and warm when it has someone to shine for. That one person who deserves the world. The light. Now that Regulus is disappearing, getting more limp as they approach the hospital, there's no point in anything. No point in being warm, no point in shining.
He feels the hospital lights hit him as they enter the waiting room. Carefully, placing Regulus onto a chair watching the bright white surface of the floor covered with blood. So much blood gone, so much left the go.
„Stay here, Reg. Can you hear me? Just hold on, please. I promise I will be back right away. Please, please, please don't let go yet.“ He says shakily, fighting the urge to break down, not being able to breathe the very air that is leaving Regulus' body right now.
The rush absorbs him as he pleads with the lady at the front desk to find a room. Just a small room, just for Reg. Just for one little star, one little star that consumed him entirely. Why couldn't he save him in time, why is he the fucking sun? Why isn't he just another star, out in the corners of the world, side by side with Regulus? His star, always his star.
The final moment drops as he finds out a room is available. He rushes back to the waiting room. Please don't be gone, please don't be gone, please don't be go-
James doesn't know the exact moment he starts screaming and seeing the in frontfront of him. Regulus. Bled out completely. Not breathing, letting out a few blood coughs, and eyes closing up. Dying.
„No, no, no. Reg, please. Please, don't- Please don-" He can't even finish before the sobs set him on fire. He holds Regulus' face, making sure to look at him the same way he looked at him nine years ago. The first look, the last look. The first breath, the last breath. Always the same.
How are you still glowing? How are you still this beautiful? How can I look at anything else again?
For an impossible moment, Regulus' eyes open. No constellations, no life. It chills James' bones.
„You've risen just for me.“ he says through the blood spilling out of his mouth. He doesn't breathe anymore. A ghost of a smile on his face, it's like he's finally free. He is now just a body, just a star. Watching from the night sky. Watching from the corner of the room. Always watching, always dying.
„Reg, wake up. Please, wake up. I need you to stay. Please. Please—"The words get replaced with sobs because the sun gives life, breathes life. Stars were always described as cold because they are so far away. The sun is also a star, and it can be just as cold if it finds itself slipping away. If it doesn't have a reason to stay.
James, now looking at Regulus' dead body, looking at the star destined to fall, lost every reason to stay. Now all he can do is say sorry, he will be sorry for the rest of his life.
Sorry for not calling more.
Sorry for not being the sun for you, sorry for not letting the magnetic pull drag me in time.
Sorry for not loving you enough.
Then he kisses him. He tastes of blood, he tastes every crack in Regulus' body. He tastes the stars. One star ripped from existence, one star the sun couldn't shine without.
Sorry about the blood in your mouth, I wish it was mine.
Endless moments pass screams echo across the hospital. James screams. They are dragging the body away.
He watches the body, he remembers Regulus' first smile. He watches the body, he remembers Regulus' voice. He watches the body, he remembers that night. He watches the body, he remembers Regulus being alive, full of life, watching, observing, and breathing. He watches the body, and he remembers.
„Mr. Potter, do you want the body to be cast? Before you say goodbye?“ He hears glimpses of a voice speaking to him. He doesn't answer, just nods. He said goodbye to Regulus a long time ago, he's been saying goodbye to him for nine years.
Not a lot of time passes and James doesn't remember finding himself on the floor of Regulus' bedroom, sobbing loud and clear for every street to echo with his pain. He takes a breath and looks around. The sun had risen, letting the stars of the night sky go. Getting up from the floor, he looks around. Sucking in every detail of it, sucking in every part of Regulus he can still reach. Every part he let pass by these last nine years. How could he mourn the loss of a love he never spoke out loud in time, never really felt with his own two hands?
Icarus died with the taste of sun on his lips. James' heart died with the taste of his. Before he leaves the room, moving on to a life full of regret and remembering, he whispers. I know it's for the better, it always has been. That's the story of the sun and the star.