Chapter Twelve
Anakin was the one that drove to the latest murder sight which meant that the usual 15 minute drive only took 5 minutes. Anakin was a speed demon and in another life he had dreamed of being a race car driver. But that was all before the Jedi found him. There were a lot of things that Anakin had wished for in his life but that all changed when he met the Jedi. He was happy with his life now and he wouldn't trade his kids or Mana and Padmé for anything, but every once in a while he remembered his childhood dreams, and he mourned for them.
It wasn't that he had wished they had come true or even that he felt like he failed. He mourned for what could have been if the Jedi had never come into his life. In his mind he always divided his childhood into two parts, before the Jedi and after the Jedi. Sometimes, during the moments he felt especially low, he would imagine what his life would have been like if the Jedi never found him.
In his fantasy his mother would still be alive and he would have found a way to make their circumstances better. Maybe he would have gone to school more regularly and maybe he would have become a race car driver just like he had dreamed when he was a boy. But of course he would eventually remember that he would have never met Padmé and he wouldn't have the twins and he would have never met Mana. Whenever he would go down that dark spiral he would always try and hide away because he didn't want to drag Mana and Padmé into his spiral, but they would always find him every time without fail.
Of course Anakin wasn't as stealthy as he thought he was and it was pretty obvious to Mana and Padmé when he was about to go down that road, and he always went to the same three places so it was never hard to hunt him down. They had tried many times to try and get Anakin to talk to them when he was having a hard time, but it was Anakin and he didn't want to be a burden or a bother. He was very content with his decision to stay home with Luke and Leia because it allowed Padmé to focus more on her law career. And it let Mana worry less about being a mob boss.
It wasn't that he thought that he was unimportant, Mana and Padmé made sure to tell him just how important he was to them and to the twins multiple times a day, it was more that he wanted Padmé and Mana; even though she committed crimes; to succeed in whatever they were doing. And he was perfectly happy to stay at home and let them do that. He was used to it. The Jedi highly discouraged activities that did not directly benefit them. So Anakin was well used to suppressing his desires and wants.
Mana and Padmé tried many times to get him to see that the Jedi were wrong and it was fine, more than fine actually, to have wants and desires. And Anakin understood that. The problem was that he wasn't sure what he wanted. He spent so much of his life suppressing his emotions and his desires that he had no idea how to be selfish. Granted he did give into his love for Padmé, and later Mana, but he never saw that as doing anything selfish. At least not after they found out Padmé was pregnant. At that point running away from the Jedi wasn't selfish, even though he had dreamed of running away many times, he was just protecting his family.
Mana and Padmé had tried to get Anakin to talk to a professional many times but he refused every single time. And they knew that they couldn't force him so they did the only thing the could and they just supported him and loved him unconditionally. And for the most part it worked. Anakin still had his ups and downs, but then again no one could be happy all the time. It just wasn't possible, or healthy, and Mana and Padmé also had their ups and downs and Anakin was there for them when it happened and they were there for them when he needed them.
"Anakin?" Mana asked in concern. When they had arrived at the crime scene a couple of minutes ago Mana had Anakin part a couple of streets over just in case. But after they parked, Anakin suddenly grew silent and stopped breathing. Mana knew that he was probably thinking about his childhood. He didn't drive very often because of his hand, he could, he just never did. So she knew that it probably brought back memories.
"What?" Anakin flinched and gasped.
"You stopped breathing. Are you ok?" Mana asked.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." Anakin said breathlessly.
"We both know that is a lie." Mana said pointedly.
"I'm fine, really. You can go, it's ok. I'll be fine here." Anakin insisted.
"I don't believe you. Are you sure?" Mana asked uncertainly as her phone beeped with texts from Tierney, Theseus, Percival, and even Tina asking where she was.
"You need to go." Anakin said logically. "Don't worry. I'm fine."
"Ok," Mana frowned. "I'll be back. But don't think that we're not going to cuddle later."
"I wouldn't miss it. Now you should go." Anakin said with a small smile. Mana sighed and kissed Anakin on the cheek and then left the car.