Chapter 8
James Potter is not a perfect man, and it only took six words coming from Regulus's mouth to remind him of that. He doesn't know why the sentence got to him like they did. But Merlin, did it feel like a knife was being stabbed into his heart as each word tumbled from Regulus's lips.
“But you don’t know me now.”
It was six words, just 19 letters. That was all it took for Regulus to make James feel like he was the absolute worst person in the world. And in the moment, he thought that regulus was probably right.
James tried not to cry as he walked from the study to his room, but the second he turned the lights off the tears began to fall and they didnt stop falling for hours. Eventually, he fell asleep, though here lately sleep was as much of a chore as being awake was. His dreams would either never come or be filled with the sound of screams he couldn't quiet. But on this night, James falls into sleep landing face first in a field of flowers.
Flowers that just so happen to be lilies.
“Quiet the fall you’ve seemed to have had” calls out a soft voice from behind him, startling him into turning over, only to be staring into a pair of emerald eyes.
“Lily”, whispered James, “what are you doing here?”
“I could ask the same thing of you” Lily answers with a smile. She looks younger than she was on that night, more innocent, more free. Lily standing in front of James looks like how he likes to remember her, she looks like how she did before she got with james. A choice that would come to end her life, not that either of them knew that at the time though.
James takes a deep breath, taking her in before him, “are you real?”
Lily lets out a small laugh, “I dunno James, it’s your dream, I suppose I'm only as real as you want me to be.”
That gets James to smile, “I’ve missed you,” replies James, “I’ve missed you a lot.”
“I know, that's why I'm here,” responds Lily, reaching a hand out to James who is still lying on the floor, “Care to join me for a walk?”
James pauses for a moment before taking Lily's hand, halfway expecting to reach out and feel nothing. But to his surprise her grasp is firm, and before he knows it she's pulling him up off the ground and onto his feet. As soon as he’s upright she begins to walk, beckoning James to follow after her.
“So,” she says, voice light like the soft breeze flowing around them, “How is our son?”
“Brilliant as ever.” replies James, a sad sort of smile creeping onto his lips as he carries on, “He’s bounced back surprisingly well. I know he’s just a baby and he probably doesn't even fully realize what happened, but I dunno. I just expected him to be more upset by the fact that, well, that you know you -”. James stops, for some reason not being able to finish his sentence.
“That i died.” says lily, finishing the sentence for him. “There's no use in trying to find another way to say it James, I'm dead.”
“I know, but, still.” whispers James.
The two walk for a moment in silence, before Lily breaks the silence. “I would do it again, you know.”
“What would you do?” asks James.
“I would answer the door.” responds lily, “even if i knew he was waiting for me on the other side, i would still answer the door.”
“If i had known i wouldn't have let you.” mutters out James, “I would much rather Harry have you than me.”
“And I would much rather him have you than me,” says Lily with a smile, “But there's no use in arguing about it, I mean I pretty much already won.”
James laughs quietly, “Lily Evans, always having to be the winner huh?”
“Lily Evans Potter, i died a Potter, James. But yes, I do always have to be the winner, that's why I married a loser like you,” replied Lily with a laugh.
James looks over to meet her eye, she looks happy, he tells himself, I’m glad that even in death she can be happy. His voice is rough as it escapes his throat, not quite realizing what he's saying until the words float between them.
“Did it hurt? Dying and all?”
It came out as a whisper, uncertainty and guilt radiated in his voice, but all Lily did was smile her beautiful smile once more before speaking once more.
“It was quicker and easier than falling asleep.”
“You promise?” asks James.
“Yes, I promise James.” responds lily, “there’s no use in me lying to you now that i'm gone.”
“Fair point.”
“I always make fair points, Potter.” says Lily as she lightly pats James on the shoulder, her touch warm and soft.
“Sure you do.” replies James with a smile.
“So where did you go after it happened?” asks Lily, eyes trained on the setting sun ahead of them.
James hesitates, the answer clinging to his tongue for dear life, “I um- I went to wales.”
Lily smirks knowingly, “I figured you would, how is Regulus holding up?”
“I never said I went to Regulus!” stammers James, “I just said I went to wales!”
“James Fleamont Potter. I may be dead but I am no idiot.”
James stops in his tracks, turning to look at Lily, “Woah, no need for the middle name.”
Lily rolls her eyes, “It makes sense that you would go to him James. I mean if i had just watched one person i loved die i would probably go running to the next person who i love the most.”
“I never said anything about loving him.” mutters James
“I know you didn't you idiot.” lily says in response, “That's the whole reason he's here with you, because clearly no one else can get through that thick skull of yours”.
“I’d like to think my skull is of average thickness, thank you very much, and I still never said anything about loving him.”
“But you did love him, James, you did. Just like you loved me.”
“I’ll always love you Lily, bu-”
“Just like you’ve always loved him James.” Interrupts lily, “If you truly didn’t love him then you wouldn't have cried yourself to sleep all because he called you out for being an absolute prick about how you left him.”
James crosses his arms, “why do you even care so much? I mean, shouldn't you be glad that I ended up with you?”
Lily grabs James by the shoulders, “James, the years I spent with you were years I would never trade for anything. But I still wish that I could have had more time to make right some people I had wronged out of love.”
James stares and looks down, finding himself reduced to silence for a second time tonight. Suddenly he feels lily's hands drop from his shoulders and looks up to see them crossed on her chest.
“Do you know what it's like to die before being able to tell someone that you still love them James?”
“No, I don’t”
“Good. You don't want to. Because it's painful, james. It is painful having to watch the world keep moving knowing that you still have words you wish you could've said. It hurts knowing that people will never get to hear those words. It's getting to know you died without them knowing how much you loved them.”
James’s eyes are wet, and so are Lily's, and before either one of them knows it they find themselves in each others arms, tears falling softly like the rain.
“I don’t want you to have to feel that James,” says Lily softly, “I don't want you to make the same mistake I did. You made mistakes, so did he. You are both broken, but you can also both heal. You just have to let it happen james. You have to let him be angry, because as much as your heart may have broken, he broke worse. You must remember that.”
“I will, I promise.” replies James, holding Lily tight to his chest. Her hair is soft on his cheek, her tears damp on his shirt, but she's here. Even if it's just for a moment, she's here, and she's given him something that he didn't know he was waiting for. Permission to heal, and to love again.
“Will you be back?” He asks, pulling away so he can look at her face once more, just in case it's the last time he will.
“I’ll always be here for you James,” replies Lily with a soft smile, “Just as I will always be here for our son. You may not see me, but I will always be there.”
“Thank you.”
“No, thank you, James.”
“For what?”
“For choosing to love me, even if it wasn't for a long time.”
“Oh Lily, I’ll love you for eternity”.
“I know, but remember, there's always a bit more room in your heart for you to love someone else.”
With that, she fades away. And as she goes a sense of relief flows over James, like waves on a beach. In the distance the sun is almost set, but not too far away James can see the outline of something, it looks like a house on a hill. James walks towards it, coming to the door and tentatively turning the handle. Inside the walls are painted blue. James closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath before walking inside, slowly waking up from one of the best dresses he has had in a while.