Chapter 6
Often times in the summer following Sirius’s choice to go live with the Potters, Regulus would often dream that one day he would open the doors of Grimmauld place and find his brother and James standing there, arms open ready to take him far away from his mother and father, away from the coming war. In those dreams the three of them would get in a car and drive far away, ending up in a little house by the sea. The door would open and there would be all of his friends. Peter would hug him, followed by Remus, and Regulus would feel at home. Those dreams never came true of course, but part of him wondered how things would be different if they had. But the wistful thinking would have to wait, as soon the sound of the engine of Sirius’s motorbike was replaced by three short knocks on the door. Both James and Regulus stayed frozen in place, with James being the first to dare to break the silence.
“Do you want to get it?” he asked, voice barely a whisper.
Regulus took a deep breath, “No, you can get it.”
He watches as James walks towards the door, peeking through the peephole to make sure it really was Sirius before unlocking and opening the door in one swift motion, and throwing his arms around Sirius could say anything.
“Padfoot” sighed James into Sirius’s shoulder.
“Oh Prongs, I am so very sorry” responded Sirius, holding James tightly, “You did the best you could. You're still my brother, and I'm here now, we’ll get through this together.”
Still silent, Regulus felt himself stiffen and the air got caught in his throat. It had been so long since he had been with both Sirius and James that he had forgotten the reason he initially didn't like James at Hogwarts.
James was Regulus’s replacement.
It had started after Sirius’s sorting. He had written home to his parents saying nothing else but “I was sorted into Gryffindor '', which had been enough to do damage on its own, but Regulus got his own letter from Sirius, talking of a boy named James that he had met on the train. From that moment on regulus couldn't remember a single letter that didn't mention James at some point. It got worse when Sirius came home for Christmas. His parents were not speaking to him, so Sirius would instead spend his time re-decorating his room with a new Gryffindor color scheme. It was when he was talking about his potions class that the word slipped out, it was so subtle that Sirius didn't even notice it, but Regulus did. At some point in the few months between the start of term and Christmas James had gone from being “My friend James” to “My brother Jamie”.
That was the first time that the mention of James's name made him both sick and angry. The first time in Regulus's life that James had something that Regulus had wanted so badly, but never had the chance to get.
When Regulus got to Hogwarts things surprisingly started to change, but still sometimes it was clear to Regulus that James was slowly becoming one of the most important figures in Sirius’s life. He tried to ignore it, but with the pressure to be the future heir to the house of black regulus found himself developing a sort of sense of jealousy when it came to the relationship between Sirius and James, that was until, James and Regulus got into a relationship of their own.
For the first time in a long time it felt like he had gotten a bit of Sirius back. The more time he spent with James and the rest of the marauders, Regulus truly felt like he belonged.
And then they broke up.
James became his friend, and well, Sirius, also became a bit more distant. It seemed that he had only come back around for regulus because James had gone first. It was James who asked him to be in the order, and it was only after he walked out one night to get a smoke that it was because Sirius was worried that Regulus would defect to the death eaters since it was “his kind of crowd”. He never did tell Sirius he heard him that night, not that he would have, but he never got the chance either, as soon he was sent undercover.
His time undercover was maybe the time when the two had been the most close in years, but it didn't really feel like a choice on Sirius's part, more like an instinct. For Regulus knew that Sirius recognized the scars that were left by the cruciatus curse that began to appear on regulus’s spine, as Sirius had the matching set given to him by their father and mother years earlier.
When he eventually left the order to go to Wales, it was Sirius who accompanied him. They rode on his bike in silence and when they got their Sirius moved the rest of his stuff quietly, before patting Regulus on the back and riding away. If a goodbye was said, Regulus certainly didn't hear it. Part of him always hoped that maybe Sirius would come by to check on him, but the hope was dim.
But now, he was back, in the flesh, in his doorway. But Sirius wasn't here for regulus. He never was. He'd always come back for James, but not for regulus.
Never for regulus.
To say he wasn't jealous would be a lie. But the jealousy had gone a bit dormant, maybe since he was no longer with James, or since he hadn't seen Sirius in a while. Yet something inside him sparked. And now, Regulus felt a sickness he hadn't in a long time towards James Potter. One of anger, rage, and disappointment.
Regulus broke out of his trance as James stepped back and Sirius' eyes fell upon him. His brother didn't look all that different. He was in muggle band shirt and jeans, with his signature leather jacket thrown over top, his hair close to shoulder length but slicked back to stay out of his face. He had a new scar on his face, going from his bottom lip to below his jaw and he wore a silver band on his left hand, which was nervously playing with his shirt. He cleared his throat before starting, “Hello Regulus”
Regulus nodded his head towards him while trying to keep his voice as level as possible, “Hello Sirius”
Sirius looked him up and down, “Your hair is a bit longer.”
“So is yours”
Sirius brought his hand up to run it through his hair, “Yeah, it is, I've been letting it grow out, moony says it's nice.”
Regulus’s stomach flips a bit at the mention of Remus’s nickname, remembering what James told him the other night, trying to shake the image of Remus bleeding out from his head before responding. “That’s nice” He pauses before continuing, “Congratulations by the way.”
A confused look flashes across Sirius's face, “On what?”
“The wedding,” regulus responds, “I wish I could've been there.”
“Oh.” responds Sirius, eyes falling to the ring on his finger.
Regulus doesn't respond, eyes floating over to James who is standing tensely by the door, hand gripping it so tightly that his knuckles are turning white. Regulus turns his gaze back to Sirius, there's so much he could say, but he doesn't have the stomach to say it, so he just says the first thing that comes to mind.
“I'm going out for a smoke.” Regulus grabs a carton of cigarettes from the drawer as well as a flask of firewhiskey before heading for the back door that leads to the shoreline.
From behind him Regulus heard Sirius's voice call out, “When did you start drinking firewhiskey?”
Regulus stopped and turned around to face him, “I dunno, probably around the night you left me here and i didn't hear from anyone for months.”, he found his eyes settling on James, “You learn a lot about yourself when everyone you love decides to leave, and you eventually stop hoping they’ll come back.”
Sirius snapped his mouth shut, and James's hand fell from the door, as he spoke for the first time in a few months “Regulus.”
“Don’t” snapped regulus, “Don't follow me right now” he turned his gaze to Sirius. “I'm sure you have some catching up to do with your brother, right Sirius”.
He didn't wait for a response before going the rest of the way to the door, letting it slam loudly behind him. The walk to the shore seemed like it would be too short, so he decided to take the long way, through the forest.
When he first came here, the small forest near his home was another place beside the beach where he would find comfort, similar to the sea. Regulus sometimes wondered what life would be like one day he walked into the forest and just didn't come back. He never did though, just in case he needed to be home, just in case the war would end and his friends and brother would return. They would always be his reason for finding his way out of the forest.
And now, they were his reason for walking into it.
The forest also offered some practicality to regulus, as most of the people in town were older and wouldn't dare trek through it, meaning it was empty for whatever he needed it to be empty for. When Regulus realized this after visiting the forest a few times, it soon also became his favorite place to transform. Following his time at Hogwarts, he rarely used his animagus form, that was until he got to Wales.
Though he was a bit rusty at the start, it was always cathartic for him to transform and then fly around a bit, usually ending up at the shoreline where he would change back and go home, so that is exactly what he decided he needed at this moment.
His cigarette burned out as he reached the center of the forest. After dropping it to the ground and stamping it the rest of the way out he tucked the pack into one pocket of his pants and the bottle of firewhiskey into his other. It was his general rule of thumb not to transform while drunk, too much of a risk with little reward, and regulus had already risked enough in his life, and risks become tiring after a while, that is something he knew well. He inhaled deeply as he willed himself to transform, and soon, standing in regulus’s place, was a small, but elegant raven.
The first time they had transformed, Regulus had been surprised to find his form to be a raven, having expected something more Slytherin-esque. His sentiment was shared by the majority of the marauders, well, except for James. He thought that regulus’s form was the most accurate form he could've gotten, so from that moment on regulus did not question it.
Soon, he was up in the air, flying at a leisurely pace over the town. From above all of the townspeople looked like ants. It was odd, the people below him just thought he was a bird and not someone they had met before, but at the same time it was a relief. It was nice for no one to know who he was, even just for a moment.
Regulus flew around for what felt like an hour, and based on the placement of the sun in the sky he assumed it was now around 3. Gliding gracefully to the shore he transformed back when he was a few feet off the ground, so he could land standing. The sea was awfully nice this time of day, even if the water was freezing this time of year. He sat down a foot or so from where the water would rise up to meet the shore and pulled out the small bottle of firewhiskey from his pocket, quickly removing the cap and taking a big swig.
It always burned going down, but part of him enjoyed the burn, it reminded him that when he drank, it was very rarely for pleasure. He sat watching the waves for a few moments before he heard a door open and close, most likely from his house behind him. But what followed were not footsteps, instead, it was the cantor of paws. As the sound got closer regulus could feel the change in magic around him as his brother transformed back, and stood still behind him.
“Mind if i sit with you?” asked Sirius, still rooted in place behind regulus. When Regulus did not respond he decided to sit anyway, settling a few inches away from regulus. He appeared to have ditched his jacket as well as his shoes, he took a deep breath as he watched the water beside regulus. “I didn't want to leave you alone here, you know.”
Regulus scoffed, “Sure you didn't. You didn't say a word to me the entire ride here and left without saying anything as well.”
“It wasn't that I didn't want to say anything,” responded Sirius.
“Then what was it?”
Sirius remained quiet for a moment, “I couldn't.”
“What do you mean you couldn't?”
Sirius continued looking out at the waves, “I didn't have a voice.”
Regulus shifted so he could look at his brother, “What do you mean”
“I had lost my voice the night before, in a screaming match with Dumbledore.”
Regulus looked at Sirius quizzically, “There wasn't an order meeting the night before I left though.”
“I know.” responded Sirius, eyes still following the waves, “He came to me personally, to Remus and I’s apartment. He said we needed to talk”
“About what?”
“You.”
“What?” responded regulus, “Why would he want to talk about me?”
Sirius’s eyes fell from the waves to the sand, “He feared Severus had been compromised, so, he wanted you to return as a spy, but in the same capacity as Severus.'' Sirius took a shaky breath, “He wanted you to take the mark Reggie, and I, I couldn't let that happen.
“Why didn't he just come to me about it then?” asked Regulus quietly.
“Because, the only ones who knew where you were planning on going were James and I, and James had refused to tell him, so he came to me, hoping that he could bargain.”
“Bargain with what?”
“Remus. He said that if you were to go to the death eaters Remus wouldn't have to go to the wolf pack.”
Regulus felt all of the oxygen drain from his lungs, it didn't matter though, because he wouldn't have known what to say.
“I told him no, of course, that I wouldn't play with the lives of two people I loved like that. And then I kicked him out. I was so angry that i didn't realize remus had come into the room behind me at some point and he was crying and i started crying and i just couldn't do that to you reggie.'' Sirius stumbles on the last bit, to Regulus it seems like his eyes have started to water, but he can't really tell, as his eyes seem to have started to water too.
“You should've said yes.'' Regulus mumbles out, causing Sirius to look up at him.
“Why would you ever think I would tell him yes?” Sirius responds, turning to face regulus.
“Well, you've always sorta chosen your friends over me. So what would it matter if you chose them again?”
Suddenly, regulus feels Sirius’s hands on his face, forcing them to look into each others eyes, “Why the fuck would I do that?”
“I just thought-”
“Well you thought wrong,” says Sirius, cutting Regulus off sharply, “You’re my brother Regulus, that has never changed.”
Normally, regulus would refrain from saying the entirety of what he is thinking, preferring to save it for when he writes alone in his study. But in this case, the fire whiskey seems to urge him to talk, he can feel its taste on his tongue as he blurts out his next thought.
“Well what about James?”
Sirius studies him for a moment, his hands dropping into his lap, “What about James?”
Regulus looks down, “I dunno, it just felt like he was more of your brother then I was.” Sirius opens his mouth to speak but Regulus continues, “I mean, i wouldn't replace you for the world. But you replaced me before we were even 12”.
Sirius looks down, “I didn't know you felt that way regulus.”
“I know, I didn't want you too.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I was angry, Sirius, and jealous,” Regulus pauses, “and you, well you seemed happy. And I for the life of me just couldn't understand how you were unable to be happy until you found James.”
“You weren't the reason I wasn't happy reggie” Sirius mumbles, his bottom lip trembling slightly.
Regulus looks back out to sea, the sun now slowly beginning its descent, “Well. you never tried to make that clear.”
“I know.” responds Sirius, his gaze also turning to the setting sun. Neither spoke for a moment, with Sirius breaking the silence “Soin de recommencer ?”
Regulus smiles upon hearing the French, it was always the one thing that he and his brother had always had just for the two of them as kids. It felt like home.
“toujours, mon frère, toujours pour toi” said Regulus as he leaned his head on his brothers shoulder.
He was still hurt, to say he wouldn't would be a lie. But they needed this, that much he knew. Though his feelings couldn't change overnight, Regulus felt that maybe, over time, they could. But only if they did something about it now. So for now, Regulus sat, head on his brother's shoulder, watching the sun set into the sea. He would face James and confront the rest of his feelings later, all that mattered now was this moment, with Sirius, watching the sun set, and not fearing that it won't rise tomorrow.