No one ever hated Peter. Saying that now sounds like a lie. But the truth was that to hate someone you have to have strong feelings towards them and Peter just never ignited this in people. So while no one hated him, no one really loves him either.
Well the marauders said they did but it was clear to everyone else and Peter. That this wasn’t completely true. Because they said so just a little to much. Made slightly too much of an effort to say how great he was. Slightly too patronising. It was clear he was never there equal.
Always touching him despite him, saying, he hated it, especially on his shoulders. Always cutting him off in conversation, “you’re being really loud“, ”wormy I don’t care“. Cutting him off mid story, it was clear they just wanted someone to listen to them not a conversation.
“I love you” “you’re my best mate” “Peters the best” “he so cute and innocent“ all his mistakes were cute. It was insulting, too nice for it to be true.
He was his friends friend. “oh you’re friends with…” “ who do you know?”. He was invited because they were.
If a girl did like him his friends were always surprised “oh you like her how cute“, “what would you know your a virgin”, “oooo you like wormy”.
Don’t get him started on that name. He had begged, pleaded with James even cried. But Sirius had said so, and Sirius got what he wanted. James had promised that it would stay between them. James had promised that everyone would forget about it in a week. James had promised but Peter had never lived it down.
Don’t get him wrong, he gets it. There is no doubt in Peters mind that Sirius had a rough time, he had seen what he looked like when he ran away, watched Regulus flinch at even a small touch, and Peter had a lot of patience. He wasn’t quick to jump to anger. But God fucking dammit did Sirius tow the fucking line. Peter had patience in fifth year, Peter had patience in sixth year and seventh year, Peter had a fucking lot of patience.
But when it got to James‘s wedding, and Sirius said that he should be the flower girl. Peters patients had worn out. He begged with James again and he felt like he was a kid, begging them not to call him wormy because it was fucking degrading.
James didn’t even bat an eyelid, what Sirius says goes. Like with Lily Evans, the endless list of ways to get her, despite the fact that both Peter and Remus, had said that he should just talk to her, be her friend. Sirius was always right. Despite the fact that James and Peter had been friends for years, Peter wasn’t allowed to be a groomsman, because Sirius thought it was funny.
Peter lived his whole life doing stuff because Sirius wanted him to. Sirius wants to do a prank. DONE. Sirius doesn’t think you should come to the party, you won’t like it. DONE. Sirius says you can’t sleep in the dorm tonight, he’s got a girl coming over. DONE. Sirius feels really bad for cussing you out in potions, forgive him. DONE. Sirius says that jumpers are Remus’ thing, so that’s why he destroyed it, you understand, (his dead grandma gave him that) DONE. Sirius wants you to be the flower girl. DONE. Even Lily looked sorry for him, when he shuffled down the aisle in front of her.
So when he sat in the basement, of Malfoy Manor, being tortured. He knew no one was looking for him. And in that moment got angry. Maybe that was an understatement, and he knew there was no anger in the world that justified his actions, but he was really fucking angry, so the next time they asked him a question and it was a simple question. He can’t even remember it now. Probably just if he was working with the other side. He just answered and the dam broke. He knew he couldn’t turn back, after he told them where Marlene was. He was to far gone everyone would hate him. He had always been a coward.
And there wouldn’t be a night or day that Peter didn’t regret what he did. Every day he’d wake up, and wish he was never made their fucking secret keeper. Every night he would remember how happy James had looked when he open that door, and how quickly that expression changed when he saw the dark Lord behind him. Every night, he would remember how scared Harry sounded . Every night, he would remember how fucking painful it was to cut off his own hand, but even worse that it was his hand that brought him back. And the guilt would wash over him in waves, in the twelve years he was a rat and after. There was never relief and he knew he deserved it, because James and Lily were better people than he ever was. James and Lily deserved better friends, and a happy life with their kid.
However, Peter knows if he had to do it all again, he wouldn’t change a thing because it was all worth it. To see Sirius Black dragged off to Azkaban.