James
The first time James Potter saw Regulus Black in almost 5 years, the first thought in his head was simple:
Wow, he looks even more beautiful than he did the last time I saw him.
James’s next set of thoughts were about change. His hair had changed, it was longer, curlier, messier. His clothes had changed, they were looser, less restrictive, more comfortable, more him. His laugh had changed, it was louder, more open, more full bodied. Regulus looked different, he even had a few small tattoos he could see poking out from under his sleeves and pant legs; he looked free. To James’s comfort however, some things about Regulus stayed the same, when he finally heard him speak, his voice was the same, his eyes, his beautiful, beautiful eyes, they stayed the same, the scrunch of his nose when someone would hug him without warning was the same, the way he would stare at James when he didn’t know what to say that stayed the same. Part of him wondered what it would be like in a different life where this regulus was different at all, because he got to watch him change firsthand, James decided he couldn’t think about that for very long.
It only took one minute for James to find out something else that stayed the same as it was 4 ½ years ago; James was still in love with him.
He sang “high” tonight, James had regretted this choice as soon as he sang the first word, but it was too late to change it then. James made eye contact with Regulus once during the song, he wished he hadn’t. The Regulus he saw in that moment was one he never wanted to ever see again, hurt. Sirius has been begging him to sing a song off Leo since he released it, but he always said no, James thought maybe it would be good for him sing something off Leo with Regulus there, maybe it would help him get over it, James quickly learned that it didn’t, after 4 ½ years he should’ve learned by now; nothing ever does get him over Regulus Black. He hasn’t left his room since the performance. He didn’t want to go out, he didn’t want to spend time with anyone, mostly he just wanted to be alone.
Sirius however had other plans.
Sirius had been hell bent on him coming to see Regulus’s show since this morning and refused to take no for an answer, Remus was doing his best to help James stay behind; which he greatly appreciated. In the end Sirius pulled out his “James please I’m trying to rebuild my relationship with my brother” card and James couldn’t say no anymore. The ride to the venue was quiet, James cracked a few jokes about the name of building but didn’t bother much with conversation, he watched as Sirius ogled Remus from the moment he stepped out of the bathroom, sometimes he wondered how the brightest boy in his classes didn’t realize that Sirius Black was in love with him, perhaps it's the same way Sirius Black never realized the brown haired boy was in love with as well.
The Venue was small, and quite honestly cold, he fixated on a spot on the wall to disassociate until the opener started. The building was crowded if it weren’t for the VIP passes James would be feeling incredibly claustrophobic. His friends Alice and Frank opened, he hadn’t seen them in quite some time and knew that if seeing Regulus perform tonight went bad, he could always hang out with his friends after.
The Lights dimmed for the second time in the little venue, the last time in Vegas and James watched with bated breath as Pandora walked out of stage, then Barty, then Evan, then Dorcas (he pretended not to hear Marleen gasp as she entered the stage) and then finally; Regulus.
He was beautiful, he was always beautiful but something about seeing him on stage so open, so careless, so… Him. He watched as he danced around, as he sang, as he interacted with his friends, as painful as this was James wanted to bottle this version of Regulus and keep it forever.
James looked at his best friend standing beside him, he took him in. Sirius was covered in constellations, stars made of ink littered his skin, they danced in between pictures and words, a Galaxy trapped in the life story of a person. His first tattoo sitting just below his heart was the constellation Leo, a certain star inside of it done in a different style, purposely making it stand out against the rest. Resting on his left shoulder blade was Canis Major with a small arrow pointing towards Sirius that simply read “that’s me!”. Next to his star was the moon phases that went down his spine, the full moon being the most beautiful of them all. At first James didn’t understand why he had chosen it when he got it, it didn’t make sense, he was a product of the stars. He learned Sirius’s reasoning for it 3 days later, all the explanation needed was Sirius smiling at Remus and laughing at a joke he had told him while sitting on James’ living room couch. James has never mentioned the tattoo since. On the side of his right rib cage Sirius has the constellation Corvus, of all his tattoos this constellation and Leo, Sirius does not discuss ever, if he is asked about them in interviews he does not respond; James understands his reasoning for Leo, but he doesn't know his reasoning for Corvus, and James won’t ever ask. Lastly on the inside of his left arm above his elbow is the Big Dipper. The first and only time Sirius was ever asked about the tattoo he had a simple response. “I'm the oldest of a set of two, I felt connected to it”.
When James and Regulus were dating, Regulus had two tattoos, hidden of course. James knew these tattoos by heart, he would often trace them as they laid together, James knew every freckle, every scar, every tattoo on his body, James knew him like a sailor knew a map. So, when James saw a whisper of ink from the bottom of Regulus’s shirt sleeve, he knew it was new. He stared at it for several songs, trying to decode it from the bits that stuck out from under his sleeve. It wasn’t until he adjusted his shirt that he saw it. Sitting softly on the inside of his right arm just above his elbow, the Little Dipper. James could only think to nudge Sirius with his elbow and slowly point to Regulus’s arm. In all their years together, this was the first time in James' life he’d ever seen Sirius cry while watching a concert. Regulus saw him cry and looked at him with concern, Sirius just pointed at his tattoo and Regulus smiled back at him. Two Halves of a set of two; connected.
After a while the music stopped, and Regulus walked up to the Microphone.
“Hey Las Vegas! We got one more song for you tonight, this is an unreleased one from a few years back. I've never sang it live before, but I felt like tonight was a good time to change that. Next up Here's ‘Midnight Rain”.
“My town was a waste land, full of cages, full of fences.
Pageant Queens and big pretenders, but for some it was paradise.”
James heard Sirius’s breath hitch as he was standing next him, James hopped he couldn’t feel his stop.
“My boy was a montage, a slow-motion love potion jumping off things in the ocean.”
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy
His Boy His Boy His Boy His Boy His Boy His Boy His Boy His Boy His Boy His- His Boy was.
“I Broke his heart ‘cause he nice.”
James is pretty sure his breathing actually stopped when he heard that line, his head felt light, 4 ½ years later and he still couldn’t bear to think about their breakup.
“He was sunshine, I was Midnight Rain. he wanted it comfortable I wanted that pain.”
When they were dating Regulus used to compare him to the sun constantly, he used to call him his sunshine, he never thought the nickname he loved so much would hurt the way it was right now, and oh man did it hurt.
“He wanted a bride, I was making my own name, chasing that fame, he stayed the same.”
He felt someone grab onto him after that line, he didn’t have to turn around to know it was Remus, James didn’t even care about Sirius being right beside him, he let himself cry. Remus went with him to buy the ring; he brought pictures Regulus had drawn of what his future wedding ring would look like. It was a beautiful ring, it still is a beautiful ring, a constant weight he tries not to look at that sits just under the hollow of his throat on a chain, it sits under a t-shirt always, it's not for the world anyway, it never was.
“It came like a postcard. picture perfect, shiny family. Holidays peppermint candy. But for him it's every day.”
This time a different set of hands grabbed him, and he didn’t have to guess which hands those belonged to either. Sirius didn’t like to talk about their childhood, neither of them did, it was something so intrinsically theirs, it wasn’t for James to ever understand, because he didn’t live it. And he was okay not understanding.
James watched as Regulus locked eyes with him in the crowd, almost hesitating on the next line.
“And he never thinks of me, except when I’m on TV.”
James wanted to scream, he could write whatever line he wanted about how he felt but he had no right to say he never thought of him, he thought of him. Every. Single. Day.
He watched as Regulus peeled his eyes away from him.
“And I never think of him, except on midnights like this.”
He made eye contact with him again after that, not wavering until the music of the song stopped. He felt Remus reach into his shirt and pull out his necklace, James tried to grab his hand, but he was unsuccessful. And Regulus stared. He stared at James with tear-streaked cheeks and a rejected engagement ring around his neck, he stared at James while the band said their goodnights and he stared at James as he walked backstage, not once breaking eye contact till he was off stage.
Regulus went backstage and sobbed. But James didn’t know that.
Regulus went backstage and smashed a vase of orchids sent from his mother, but James Didn’t know that.
Regulus went Backstage and screamed his mother into the void, but James didn’t know that.
Regulus went backstage and screamed until he had no more sound, until he collapsed into Pandora’s arms. But James didn’t know that.
Regulus went backstage and wished he had his big Brother, But Sirius didn’t know that.
James walked out of the venue silently, but Regulus didn’t know that.
James walked out of the venue gripping Remus’s hand so tight he bruised it on accident, but Regulus didn’t know that.
James got into the van and stared at the floor, but Regulus didn’t know that.
James went into his hotel room and cried, But Regulus didn’t know that.
James didn’t sleep an hour, tossed and turned all night, But Regulus didn’t know that.
James got onto the van wordlessly and went straight to his bed, But Regulus didn’t know that.
James didn’t leave his bed till they were in Portland. When he finally left his bed, he stormed into the main room and said one sentence, before turning around he going back to his room.
“Pick whatever Damn song you want me to sing off Leo and I’ll do it, any of them.”
James wasn’t there to see Sirius and Remus look at each other afraid.