Regulus found himself on the floor. He had been laying down all day and when he conjured up enough willpower to stand the world slipped out from under him. So fast that he couldn’t grip it with bony hands and fake some semblance of existence.
He was sprawled out on the linen rug like the victim of a homicide. All he needed was the white chalk line to finish him off. The clouds parted and the sun lit up in squares on his face. They were warm, sweltering even, and highlighted the blemishes that scattered his skin.
He wouldn’t mind laying there for eternity.
James came in the room. He was sweaty and his face was all red like the sun had singed his features. Sweat dripped from his nose and beaded his forehead; just underneath the always messy mug of hair.
He stopped with his hand on the doorknob. He looked rather concerned and it went as far as tilting his head to the side to line up his eyes with Regulus’.
After the first glance Regulus didn’t look back. He looked at the window and to the sun where the clouds had parted; vaguely registering that the sun wasn’t there anymore. In it’s place was the dusty gray sky and a single dimly twinkling star.
James was now standing above him. He was saying something, but Regulus wasn’t paying enough attention to notice.
James kicked him in the side, lightly, as if he was scared of hurting him.
“Hm?” Regulus’ eyes broke from the dusk.
“Are you alright? I haven’t seen you all day.” His eyebrows were knitted and his arms hung loosely at his sides. He looked like a dumb kid about to throw a temper tantrum.
“Suck in your lip.” Regulus mumbled and let his head fall to the side. He studied the grooves in the baseboard of his bed only to see deformed faces staring back at him from the grain.
“What are you doing on the floor?”
“You don’t spend your afternoons lazing about on the ground?” Regulus gently traced a face that was screaming; it’s mouth gapped open and it’s eyes wide.
“No? And I can’t say it’s a common thing amongst anyone I know.” He sounded like he was pouting.
“You saying you don’t know me James?” Regulus thought about it and came to the conclusion that James really didn’t know anything about him. James only saw the parts of Regulus that he allowed him to see. It dawned on him that he only let everyone see what he allowed them too. Maybe no one truly knew Regulus at all. He was completely alone. It didn’t matter. Nothing really did anyways.
“No I- ugh,” James paused, “I’m just trying to help you Reggie.”
Regulus stayed silent. The rough wood on the underside of the bed he found to be quite satisfying under callused fingers.
“Regulus, talk to me. Please.” There was a thud and a gust of air that swayed the hair on the back of his head. James’ shin pressed against his arm.
“We just had a conversation.” One of the smaller jagged pieces of wood pricked his finger embedded itself under his skin. He kept running his fingers along the frame anyways.
“Regulus that didn’t count and you know it.” James huffed.
“Our conversations don’t count then?”
“That’s not what I said Reg.” James pushed the hair plastered on Regulus’ forehead up and a few strands the fell on his side behind his ear.
“It was close enough.”
“Let me rephrase then. That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean then?”
His hands cupped Regulus’ face and slowly turned his head to face him; his thumb gently rubbing his cheek and leaving a trail of warmth behind.
“Talk to me about you.” He searched Regulus through his eyes. Regulus placed his splintered hand on James’ and felt the cracked skin underneath his own.
James leaned forward and kissed him softly on his forehead. Regulus closed his eyes.
“I can’t.” He whispered.
“Why not love?” He could hear James shifting closer to him. He shook his head in response. The low hum of silence became the only noise in the room.
“Then tell me in French,” James pressed their foreheads together. Regulus could feel his hot breath spread on his skin.
“Je suis peur.” He whispered and his grip tightened on James hand.
“Je suis peur si je faire, tu aller voir comment dégoûtant je vraiment suis.” He voice sounded weaker than he’d liked. It made him feel gross.
James hummed in fake understanding. Regulus’ face scrunched in disgust.
“This is stupid.” He declared and opened his eyes only to avoid James’ completely. James breathed.
“If you keep everything inside, you’re gonna run out of space and it’s gonna be harder and harder to latch onto the good things because your brain will be riddled with the bad. And eventually it will overflow. You need a pressure gauge, even if I can’t speak French.” James pulled away to try and look Regulus in the eyes. His hands were still coddling his face and rubbing his cheeks with soft thumbs.
Regulus looked to the corner of the room in attempt to keep his eyes down. He wanted to distract from the border of tears that accumulated on the ledges of his lids.
“Je t’aime pois sucré.” James struggled miserably to pronounce the words correctly, but he tried his best.
“It’s pois de senteur.” Regulus rasped and tried not to blink.
“What did I say?” James said very gently.
“Pea sugar. I assume you mean sweet pea.”
“I do yeah,” he chuckled quietly, “my pois de senteur.”
“Mon andouille.”
“Isn’t that a sausage?” James reared his head back with a slight grin.
“Sure.” Regulus couldn’t hold his eyes open any longer. The tops of his cheeks became wet and the tears rolled off the sides of his face and unfortunately onto James’ fingertips. James’ breath hitched and he dropped his hands to lean Regulus up against his body and wrap him in a hug.
He placed one hand around his torso to keep him steady and the other on the back of his head. His fingers riffled through the curls.
“I’m so sorry my love.”
Regulus allowed himself to bury his face in James’ shoulder. It was better than him seeing his face whilst he cried. Regulus thought he was an ugly cryer; he didn’t want James to witness him like that.
“I’m sorry,” he voice came out all muffled and high pitched. It made him mentally kick himself.
“There’s nothing you need to feel sorry about love.” James reassured. But oh. There was oh so much James deserved apologies for.
“Je suis méchant,” he whined, “le pire.”
“I know your saying something about yourself and I assume your saying something bad, but love you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me.” James pulled him closer.
“Non. Non je suis un maladie, j’infecter et infecter et infecter et j’détruire tout le monde j’toucher. J’connaître j’faire, Sirius dit j’faire. J’autrefois croire que il a connu tout.” He sobbed, most of his words were incoherent, but it didn’t really matter did it.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay love,” James ran fingers through his hair. His hand was strong on Regulus’ back.
“Non c’est pas.” He chocked.
“It’s okay.”
“C’est simplement un question de temps devant j’détruire tu aussi.”
It was too much. It was all to much. He had pressure from everyone around him to be better. From his mom and dad the perfect heir. To Sirius a better brother; one whom shares the same believes. He had to be fine around his friends, because if he wasn’t they would be put into moods as well. With James he needed to be a good boyfriend or he’d leave.
He wasn’t good enough for anyone. And eventually he’d destroy everything because that’s all he knew how to do. It was too much.
James simply held him in warm arms and caressed the back of his head until Regulus was so tired he couldn’t talk anymore and his sobs became soft whimpers.
Regulus came to the conclusion that he really didn’t deserve this. He really didn’t deserve James. No, not one bit.
He allowed James to stay though. Only because if he tried pushing him away he would argue and Regulus really didn’t have the energy to argue, especially with James.
“My love,” James’ voice came out all low and quiet, “it’s getting late, you should get some sleep.” He kissed the top of Regulus’ head and rested his chin on top of it.
“Mm.”
“It’s almost curfew. You must be pretty tired.”
“Stay.” His voice sounded scratchy and husky like. He wanted James to go. He really did, but he had never felt so safe before. Not once.
“I will.” He whispered and together they stood up. James sat Regulus down on the bed and pushed the hair off of his face and cheeks. He took off his glasses and placed them on the floor beside the bed while Regulus nestled himself under the covers.
James slid in behind him and reached for the wand in his pocket. He whispered a spell and the curtains closed. He threw his wand to the end of the bed and snuggled up against Regulus. He pulled him in close and held him tight.
“Je t’aime pois de senteur.”
“G’night. Je t’aime andouille.”