ch. 13
The rest of the week flew by in anticipation of seeing James on Friday. Regulus found himself scanning the Gryffindor table for his messy black hair throughout dinner. Evan and Barty were too wrapped up in themselves to notice.
“What are you looking at Regulus?” He jumped slightly in his seat and his head shot back to his friends. Beatrice was sitting next to her brother, a familiar smirk spread across her face.
“Nothing,” he mumbled, his cheeks flushing as he turned his attention back to the table and his food.
“You really are the mysterious type aren’t you?” She picked at the food on Evan’s plate and he slapped her hand away instinctively.
“I wasn’t looking at anything,” he rolled his eyes. “I must’ve just zoned out.”
“It kinda looked like you were daydreaming,” Evan smirked, his face twisting in the exact same way that his sisters did.
“I was not daydreaming,” Regulus snorted. “Besides you and Barty were far too wrapped up in one another to notice how exactly I was looking off into the distance.”
Barty shot him a desperately angry glare and Regulus shut his mouth. Some part of him felt anger simmering in his stomach, anger that they could be so open with one another yet so hidden away at the same time. They’d been best friends for years and no one would ever suspect anything different now that they were just a bit more affectionate towards one another. Yet if he and James started hanging around one another someone would open their mouth and it would get back to his parents, even an association with James would get him tortured, and if anyone in his family were to find out the whole truth then he wasn’t sure he’d be breathing anymore. He knew that Barty and Evan still had to hide away but their relationship was just shoved in his face so often that he found himself forgetting that they had nearly as much on the line as he did - or Evan did at least. Barty’s dad would be furious, but he wouldn’t get physically punished aside from the possible backhand across his cheek. But Evan… his parents already had an heir, and a daughter that would end up going to the highest bidder the moment she turned seventeen, they had no use for a spare son. Regulus being the official heir now was certainly a safety net - one that Evan didn’t have.
“You’re going to the party tomorrow right?” Bea asked, trying to shift the subject away from her brother and his boyfriend. Regulus assumed that she knew to an extent, she and Evan tended to tell one another everything over the holidays.
“Yeah, well we’re trying to bribe Regulus into going,” Barty rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t like fun much now does he?”
“I do like fun,” Regulus snapped, not knowing exactly why the feeling washed over him. Perhaps it was just annoyance over the situation he’d gotten himself into with James, or maybe he was just having a bit of a bad day, but either way, Regulus wasn’t feeling particularly conversational.
“Prove it then,” Evan raised a brow. “Come tomorrow willingly and let loose then.”
“Fine,” he crossed his arms over his chest, not unlike a small child when they begrudgingly agree with whatever their parents want - even though they themselves want it deep down.
“Fine,” Barty smirked, knowing that he and Evan had won - they wanted to go together but they couldn’t, well they couldn’t without Regulus. As a trio no one questioned it, if they brought Bea then everyone would assume that she and Barty were dating and Evan was being a protective older brother, and if they went alone then people might get the wrong idea. Well, it would be the right idea but it wouldn’t be what they needed everyone to think.
Suddenly a mess of black hair and a red jumper got up from the Gryffindor table and Regulus found himself at attention again, his heart beat a bit faster in his chest and they locked eyes for a moment.
Barty and Evan still seemed too wrapped up in one another to realize that Regulus had lost attention again but Beatrice just smirked and nodded her head in the direction of the door as if to say ‘go, I’ll take care of them.’
“I’m going to head out for patrol,” he lied, neither of his dorm mates knew he hadn’t been going to his shifts since the term had resumed so it was always a perfect excuse when he snuck away with James.
“Alright, see ya later,” Barty waved, still basking in the idea that he and Evan were going to a dance ‘together’.
Regulus tried not to make it look like he was running from the hall, knowing that James’ friends were probably watching the door to see if anyone was going to follow their friend out of the hall. He made a quick glance at their table to find Remus and Sirius laughing at something and Peter looking a bright shade of red in embarrassment. He sighed inwardly and proceeded out of the great double doors.
He didn’t need to wander long before he found James leaning up against a pillar in the courtyard. Just the sight of him made Regulus’ stomach tighten and the anger washed off his body, he’d found that James had the effect most of the time, even before they’d started kissing.
“Hey,” he smiled, pushing himself back and closing the distance between him and the younger boy.
“Hi,” Regulus breathed. He took in the boy in front of him, knowing that there was a possibility that James would leave him after their night. They hadn’t really done much talking about their relationship since they’d established it, and Regulus knew that he and James weren’t on the same pages. He just hoped that they could be.
James leaned in and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss, but Regulus turned his head away quickly. “Not here…”
James had a similar look to when he’d been asked what Regulus’ favorite color was. He was confused, he knew that Regulus wanted to hide their relationship now but Regulus was quite sure he didn’t understand how important it was that no one found out.
“Come on,” James took his hand gently, lacing their fingers together in a way that made Regulus’ stomach do flips.
James led him down the halls in silence, and Regulus just let him take the lead. For once in his life, he didn’t mind not having control. They ended up on the seventh floor, staring at a blank wall across from a tapestry.
“Trust me?” James asked softly. Regulus hesitated slightly but nodded, not ready to break the silence yet. “Close your eyes,” Regulus hesitated again before shutting his eyes. James let go of his hand as he heard him pacing back and forth. A moment passed before James took his hand again and walked him forward, Regulus fended off the urges to open his eyes.
“Take a little step up,” James told him, letting his other hand wander to the small of Regulus’ back to help him keep balance as he stepped up into the room.
It smelt like sandalwood and Jasmine, it was much warmer too, Regulus felt a spring-like air wash over his body as opposed to the bitter winter air drafting through the halls.
“Open your eyes,” James said finally, letting his hand fall from Regulus’ back.
The room was small, floor-to-ceiling bookshelves covering three walls with a couple of leather armchairs settled in the corner, a couch stretched against the empty wall and the blank wall was covered with quidditch posters and a few muggle bands Regulus didn’t recognize. A record player was on top of the side table and a few mugs were set out on the coffee table. The room seemed to be stuck in a perpetual golden hour and the light was perfectly calming - even with the lack of windows.
“Where-”
“It’s called the come-and-go room,” James explained as regulus wandered around, taking in the little details. “It tends to whatever needs the seeker has at that exact moment and while we’re in here no one else can come in. You said you wanted privet so I thought maybe you’d like it.”
“Like it?” Regulus’ voice was much quieter than he’d intended. “James this is perfect. I-I don’t even know-”
He hadn’t intended to kiss James, but Regulus didn’t know how else to express how perfect the space was. James ran his fingers through Regulus’ hair and he pulled him closer, Regulus cupped James' neck and embraced how together they were at that moment. They both shifted onto the couch and James pulled away gently, not letting go of Regulus’ hand.
“You were right you know,” James said after a minute, looking Regulus directly in the eye as he spoke.
“I love being right,” Regulus smirked. “But could you clarify what exactly I’m right about?”
“About needed to get to know one another,” James smiled down at Regulus. Even on the couch Regulus was quite a bit smaller than James.
“I knew I was right about that,” Regulus tilted his head slightly, his eyes still locked on James.
“I know,” James admitted, his cheeks flushed, “I think I just get excited sometimes. I’ve never really done this before,” he gestured to the space between Regulus and himself.
“A relationship or boys?” Regulus questioned.
“Both,” he replied, popping his lips together before opening his mouth again, “have you ever… I mean I don’t want to assume or anything-”
Regulus chuckled and settled into the couch, “Yes, I’ve kissed another boy in my life James. But I didn’t really… well I didn’t exactly handle it brilliantly.”
“Who was it?” James asked, settling closer to Regulus on the couch.
“I don’t think he’d appreciate me telling just anyone.”
“Am I just anyone though?” James raised a brow. “I mean if I was just anybody I don't think you’d let me do this.” he leaned in and planted a kiss on Regulus’ lips, not allowing him the chance to reply before moving his mouth to his jaw continuing to plant kisses.
“I think he’d hate that I let you just do that,” Regulus snorted, thinking of Barty’s face whenever they used to sneak into broom cupboards.
It was mostly Barty back then, Regulus was absolutely fine with letting him take the lead, and it was good - great even - until he’d casually called Regulus his boyfriend one day when they were alone. To this day Regulus didn’t like the term, it just felt so… official. So permanent. And he was so scared of being left behind that he never let anything get to that stage. The kissing with Barty had stopped after that day. Regulus felt guilty for a long time, but seeing him happy with Evan softened his heart a bit.
“He sounds special,” James furrowed his brow slightly. Regulus tipped his head back against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.
“You’re better,” Regulus said after a minute of debating whether or not to be snippy or romantic.
“In what department? Looks? Kissing? Affection?” James asked, leaning his head back so it was next to Regulus’.
“Everything,” Regulus admitted. He could almost feel James smile next to him, his energy was so strong whenever they were this close. “Alright, I want to know about that redhead you were so infatuated with for all those years. Is she still in the picture?”
“What? No, I wouldn’t be talking to someone else while I’m seeing you Reg! Besides, I think I’m done chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be with me y’know?”
“What makes you so sure I’m not using you? Isn’t that what all of your Gryffindors think about people like me?” Regulus asked, he hated being so blunt. But he needed to be brutal to get the truth sometimes, and right now he needed James to be honest. Honestly was the only way this wouldn’t break his heart in the end.
“Because I trust you,” he said simply.
Trust. It was something that Regulus kept hidden away like gold, and yet James threw it around like it was nothing. It was one thing to trust in things like ‘closing your eyes for a surprise’ or trusting your friends to help you not fail your Herbology exam. But trusting someone entirely made you so vulnerable, and the last thing Regulus liked to be was vulnerable. It had been hammered into his head since birth; la confiance est la vulnérabilité et la vulnérabilité est la faiblesse.
Trust is vulnerability and vulnerability is weakness.
The Blacks hated weakness. And Regulus was a Black. But something about being vulnerable with James didn’t make him feel weak.
“James?” He asked a few minutes later after the silence had coated the room like a blanket.
“Yes?”
“You understand why I’m so scared of someone finding out about us right? You understand why we have to be careful. And why I cannot under any circumstances be caught.”
“I do,” James whispered hesitantly. “To an extent. But I want to understand fully Reg, I want to know what's on the line so I don’t accidentally fuck everything up for you. I want to make you happy not hurt you.”
“My life,” Regulus breathed. “If someone were to find out and it got back to family it would be my life on the line.”
James stayed silent, waiting for Regulus to continue.
“That’s why I’m so scared when you’re reckless, it's why I'm so scared when you pull me away and we kiss where anyone could see. Hogsmead was stupid, but that was my fault more than yours. I just need us to be more cautious, and now that we’ve got this,” He waved his hand around the room. “This can be our place James, just ours. And we can talk, or kiss, or whatever you want here. But it's here, and it has to stay here.”
James chewed his lip and stared at Regulus for a moment. Part of him wanted to run from the room, he was so scared of rejection that he’d rather quit while he was ahead, but instead, he looked down at James’ shoes. He wore the same pair of ratty trainers every day, they didn’t match the uniforms at all but he did it anyways, it was like Sirius when he insisted on wearing those ridiculous combat boots. They were Red, he assumed they used to be much brighter than they were now but the sun had taken its toll over the years and they’d faded and darkened to more of a maroon. There were doodles along the insides and he recognized Sirius’ neat cursive on the rubber.
James’ arms were suddenly wrapped around his shoulders and he stiffened for a moment before melting into his arms. “I’m so sorry Reggie,” he mumbled in his ear.
“W-what?” Regulus reeled back, “what are you sorry about?”
“I shouldn’t have been so reckless… I know what your parents are like and I just… well like I said I get excited and I just want to make you the center of my world all the time.”
The center of his world. James wanted Regulus to be his world. All he’d ever left like was a spare, that’s all he was to his parents, all he was to Sirius, all he was to even Barty and Evan. He’d never been someone’s world. Though now that James had said it he was quite sure that he’d never recover.
“I want this James,” he drew his eyes up to see James. He’d never seen him close to tears before, perhaps maybe when Regulus had panicked the night before winter break but that was panic, not fear or sadness. I want you.
“I want this too,” James said softly, his eyes closed as he smiled and a single tear ran along his cheek. “And I swear to you we’re going to be more careful okay?”
Regulus nodded, he could almost feel the muscles in his chest tense up as he smiled. “Merci l’amour.”
“I’m going to learn french someday,” James laughed, pulling Regulus over to him so they were next to one another again. “And then you can’t be all mysterious.”
“J'aimerais te voir essayer,” Regulus joked, leaning his head against James’ shoulder.
“I can’t get to know you if you’re always talking to me in a different language,” he pointed out, resting his own head on top of Regulus’.
“Alright fine,” Regulus rolled his eyes and smile inwardly. “Tell me something about you. ”
“I want to play quidditch professionally when I graduate. I mean I know there’s a war on the horizon but in a perfect world that's what I’d do right out of school.”
“What team?”
“Dunno, anyone who will take me I guess. I mean if were talking perfect world here I guess I’d say the Magpies, I mean they’ve got the coolest history! Did you know that they’re the team that holds the record for the fastest snitch ever caught? That’s amazing….”
Regulus let James talk for the next few hours, only opening his mouth to comment or ask another question. He loved listening, just hearing James’ voice in his ear made him smile. Part of him wondered if this is how Evan and Barty felt, and that part of him let all of his resentment towards them go for the time being. This was too happy of a feeling to want to deny it to others.
“If you weren’t the heir what would you want to do?” James asked again. He’d been pestering regulus with questions for a few minutes now, insistent that he needed to know all about him as well. Regulus had just been insistent that what he wanted didn’t matter exactly, that he was the heir now and he needed to act like it while he was around his family.
“Okay fine,” Regulus groaned, “If I didn’t have a multitude of duties to my family name then I suppose I’d want to travel. I mean I’ve been to France more times than I can count but I know there's more to the world than Paris. I want to explore, then when I’m tired maybe I’ll settle down. Maybe coach little-league quidditch? Though I suppose I don’t love kids… Maybe I’d paint, like become the next Picasso or something.”
“You paint?” James smiled.
“Yeah, only at home really. Though maman doesn’t like it very much, she says it’s not ‘proper’. I started doing it more whenever were up at the estate over the holidays when she’s got more important things to worry about than me.”
“I’d like to see it someday.”
“Not a chance l’amour. Their not exactly nice pictures,” James scrunched his brows and opened his mouth to comment but Regululus cut him off before he could continue. “I paint memories, and besides Barty and Evan I don’t exactly have loads of nice ones.”
“Well, I’ll just have to fix that yeah? We’ll make memories together, nice ones, and you can paint them and show me those instead.”
James was so optimistic sometimes that it almost made Regulus laugh. He was so convinced that just because they’d begun putting in a bit more effort that they were untouchable now. Regulus wanted to believe that. He wanted to find a way to look at the world through the same rose-colored glasses that James did.
“I’d like that,” he yawned. He had no clue how late it had gotten, and he knew Barty and Evan would probably be waiting up for him, but he didn’t really care at that moment. Right then it felt like he and James were the only people alive, and he loved it.
“Do you still love Sirius?”
Regulus’ eyes shot open, “w-what?”
“I mean he’s your brother, I know you haven’t always gotten along but I thought maybe after Halloween… I don't know maybe he’d like having his little brother back.”
“Sirius-” he stopped himself, he was already putting himself at risk by being here with James, he didn’t need to add Sirius to the equation quite yet. Besides, he most certainly didn’t want his older brother to find out about him and James. “Sirius is my brother. But I’m not quite sure where our relationship stands at the moment.”
“I want you two to get along again,” James pressed on. “Then we could be a real family. You could come back to my house instead of that wretched townhouse, and you and Sirius and I could all play quidditch together, it’d be perfect.”
“Is Sirius included in all your dreams about me?” Regulus inquired, truly curious as to where his brother currently stood in their relationship. He’d never want to tell Sirius about him and James, but maybe if he saw them as just friends there might be a different reaction, after all, Sirius had been the first one to suggest that Regulus come to the Potters.
“Not all of them,” James cast his eyes down.
“But most of them?”
“Yeah… I mean it's hard to imagine my life without him. He’s been a bit of a permanent fixture in my life since we were eleven.”
“Oh trust me I know,” Regulus snorted. “You’re all he ever talked about that summer. And in every single letter, I got that first year. It was always ‘You’ll never guess what James and I did today’ and ‘James said the funniest thing at dinner’ or even ‘you’ll love James! You’ll both be my brothers and it’ll be perfect.’”
“He said all that?” James asked, tilting his head slightly, the golden light glinting off of his glasses slightly.
“You were his favorite thing for years,” Regulus explained, his heart aching slightly as he did. “He loves you more than anyone.” He loves you more than he ever loved me.
“Nah,” James waved his hand, “he loves Moony more than anyone. I’m just a close second,” that perfect smirk spread across his face again, it infuriated Regulus how pretty he was when his eyes were so full of mischief.
“He still loves you more James,” Regulus said quietly. “You’ll always be his favorite because you saved him. You saved him when he needed saving, and then you helped him get back on his feet. Ou saved him James and for that you’ll always going to be number one for him.”
“You seem to know a lot about your brother for someone who doesn’t care,” James raised a brow.
“I never said I didn’t care. I just said I didn’t know where we stood,” he lied. Sirius cared for him still, it wasn’t the same as when they were kids but it was certainly love on some level. He’d nearly fallen apart when he knew that Regulus didn’t want to come back to life. “Besides I’ve always been an observer. For example, Even has two pieces of toast every morning, one with Blueberry Jam and the other with plain butter, he has two pieces of bacon and two to three cups of straight black coffee every single morning. Barty has oatmeal with honey and berries - even when they're out of season - and he puts three sugars and creme in his tea every morning, and Evan complains that he likes it too sweet everysingle morning.”
“Wow… I mean I couldn't even tell you what I had for breakfast this morning,” James chuckled. “Have you observed anything about me then?”
“You love American breakfast, you always have some kind of version of it, pancakes and eggs or an omelet of some kind, you insist on wearing those ratty old trainers every day, you never wear any jewelry except that leather bracelet, you love colors and patterns, and I’m pretty sure you’d sell your soul to win the quidditch cup - not just to win but because you’re in some kind of rivalry with Evan ever since he cursed you and you absolutely hate Mulciber.”
Even Regulus was surprised at how easily the facts had rolled off his tongue, how much he knew about James. He wasn’t a stalker or anything, more of a watcher really. He just internalized things when he saw them, it wasn’t exactly a skill he used for anything more than messing with his friends though.
James was quiet for a minute, staring intently at Regulus. “You love muggle literature.”
“Huh?”
“Every time you’re in the bloody tower you’re reading some kind of muggle book. The Fellowship of the Ring, Oliver Twist, and I’m pretty sure you’ve started Two Towers.”
“Impressive Potter,” Regulus smirked. He found it extremely satisfying as James’ jaw dropped and he hit him on the ar with a pillow in one swift motion.
“Potter?” He gaped.
“That is your name is it not?”
“What happened to l’amour,” he struggled, “or even James. I liked James!”
“Oh don’t pout,” Regulus flicked his shoulder, “I might not want to spend the whole night locked away in here then.”
A flicker of shock washed over James’ face, “What time is it?”
Regulus flicked his wrist and focused on the feeling of magic that hung in the air and a clock outlined itself in the air in front of them.
“I’ll never get tired of wandless magic,” James mused, glancing up at the clock. “Fuck! Reggie, it’s two in the morning…”
“Oh shit,” Regulus’ eyes widened. Barty and Evan thought he was on a patrol. The ‘patrol’ that had ended at 11:30. He and James rose from the couch, their limbs sore and sleepy as they dragged themselves to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow right?”
“You’re going to the dance?” James grinned in disbelief.
“I owed a favor to some friends,” he clarified. “But yes I will.”
“Then yes. I will see you tomorrow then.”
“Goodnight l’amour,” Regulus leaned in and pressed his lips against James’ cheek.
“Goodnight Reggie,” James smiled as they stepped from the room and out into the freezing hall.
The boys set off in different directions and Regulus’ heart beat faster in his chest as he took in the night.
He hadn’t felt so alive in years.