Guess I’m a coward, I just want to feel alright…
It has been about two weeks since the school year began and Regulus has to admit he hasn’t had more fun his entire life. Nothing exciting happens but unlike what his life at home used to be the last time he was at Hogwarts, this calm routine is extraordinarily pleasant.
He wakes up early, prepares the DADA classroom for him and Lupin (the poor man has trouble sleeping and Regulus can’t really blame him… he figured out his… lycanthropy… a while ago… being sick and alone must be hard for someone who used to be surrounded by love) and then he proceeds to observe and help the students learn whatever spell Lupin is teaching. Sometimes, when Lupin is too exhausted, their roles are reversed.
Whenever he has some free time, he usually searches for interesting books in the library. Then he proceeds to read them and if they’re as good as he expected them to be, he gives them to Harry’s friend, Hermione.
His job as Harry’s babysitter would have been easier if the kids didn’t spend as much time as they did with Hagrid though… The gigantic man always disliked Regulus… mostly because Sirius was constantly talking about how much of a ‘pure-blooded snobby Slytherin’ he is.
If only he could do something to actually grow up with Sirius… show his brother how much he wanted to have fun with him when he pulled those stupid pranks.
His brother never stopped being his first choice… his only hope. Unfortunately, the older brother chose his family in the end, the Potters and never looked back at his younger sibling. At first Regulus thought he was abandoned but in reality he couldn’t have been abandoned if he wasn’t even a choice in the first place.
Too much thinking…
Regulus stands up from his spot at the library with a sigh. The book he chose was too boring and he ended up thinking about all the feelings he has been avoiding for the majority of his life.
“Lupin” he greets the other man upon entering their office.
“Good morning Regulus.” He looks up from whatever he was writing, dark circles under his eyes. Curious as he is, Regulus walks over to his desk and realizes that he’s rewriting a page from the fourth year’s DADA book.
“Want me to help?” He asks hesitantly.
The older’s eyes soften. “Thank you Regulus.” He nods and places a few blank papers in front of him. “If you don’t mind writing a synopsis of the seventh chapter I’d appreciate it.” He hands him a fifth year book.
”Of course.” Regulus smiles and sits next to him. He begins writing when Lupin’s voice breaks the silence.
”Do you… want to switch seats?- eh… I mean… you’re left handed and you’re sitting on my right and… ehm…” Regulus grabs his quill with his right hand and continues to write. “Oh- you’re ambidextrous?” Lupin’s eyes widen.
”Actually, I was left handed but my parents wanted me to write with my right hand so I ended up using both.” He explains and notices how Lupin’s eyebrows furrow.
”I can’t describe how much I hated your parents- no offense.” He adds quickly as if Regulus didn’t hate them more than everyone.
”None taken.” He says instead and keeps writing.
•*•*•
Regulus has never actually participated in the boggart lesson. When he was a third year, he had asked his professor to teach it to him alone due to personal reasons but he ended up asking him questions instead of actually having him practice any spells.
He didn’t need to face one to realize what his fear would be. He had three different major fears at the time… his mother beating him and using unforgivables… his brother blaming him for everything like he always did and his father being disappointed at his lack of personality.
When he explained to Lupin that he never actually practiced the spell, the older man smiled kindly and told him to simply observe and help the kids with the theory if needed. Of course Regulus waited next to the ‘boggart container’ (a kid had called it that and Regulus found it hilarious) for Lupin to fetch the students. His eyes light up when he realizes that Harry and his friends are among the students.
With his usual emotionless expression on his face, he’s sure he looks just like a doll waiting for Lupin to finish with one of the most exciting lessons he has ever seen. Colors and lame things children consider hilarious are all over the place as laughter fills the room. Everyone is so happy and a spark of jealousy makes its way into Regulus’ heart. He kind of wishes he was among those students.
Harry’s turn comes and Regulus sees Lupin step between the boggart and Potter’s son. Instantly, the being takes the form of a moon and in mere minutes Lupin dismisses the class.
“Why did you step in?” Regulus wonders.
“I will explain later. Could you tidy up the room? I need some rest” Lupin says apologetically.
“…sure” The black haired man mutters. He can’t exactly say that he’s not suspicious of Lupin’s strange behavior from time to time but the man was his brother’s best friend and he’d trust his brother with his life no matter what.
•*•*•
Hogsmeade has always been Regulus’ least favorite place to visit. Considering his skills in magic (dark magic too), the school asked him to accompany the kids there with most of the professors. Unfortunately, Lupin stayed in the castle and from what he noticed, so did Harry.
He trusts Lupin with the kid so he doesn’t really mind but spending hours alone, awkwardly walking around Hogsmeade sounds horrific.
As he walks, he notices Hermione and Ronald and decides to tag along.
“How do you find Defense Against the Dark Arts this year?” He asks them. He has never been one for small talk so his attempt to have a chat with the kids is pathetic.
“Oh! Regulus. You scared me.” Hermione blushes. Ronald looks kind of horrified at her reaction.
“It’s cool mate. You’re doing a bloody great job with Professor Lupin. Everyone enjoys it.” Ronald says. “In fact, he’s everyone’s favorite professor- eh… I believe you’re pretty high on everyone’s ‘favorite professors list’ too” he adds awkwardly. Regulus can’t help but smile.
“I mean, you’re good looking man, I bet the girls like you.” The black haired man cringes at the thought of young students finding him attractive and resists the urge to doubt his words. “Like a mysterious and dark version of Gilderoy Lockhart… eh…”
Regulus raises an eyebrow. Luckily for all of them Hermione stops Ronald from rumbling.
“We wanted to ask you something Regulus…” she mutters nervously. “Can we talk in private once we reach Hogsmeade?” She asks.
Regulus nods and tells them that he knows a place where nobody will disturb them.
•*•*•
Although the Shrieking Shack is considered a dark and unfriendly place, Regulus finds himself amazed by its calm aura. The kids probably disagree with him but he’s not going to lead them in there anyway.
They stop near the Shack and Regulus nods for them to speak.
”We need to know… what is your connection to Sirius Black?” Hermione asks. Regulus must admit that he expected this question from her way sooner. She’s a very bright witch.
“He was my brother- although he run away from home at the age of sixteen.” The kids’ eyes widen in shock. “I must admit though… we were never close. Our parents made sure we never found refuge in each other so Sirius left and… he went to live with the Potters.” A gasp escapes Hermione’s lips.
”You must feel horrible for having your own brother turn into a murderer…” Well… it’s actually the opposite I’m afraid… I am… really sorry Sirius…
”He was really kind once and I do believe that the world is not entirely black and white… there is good and evil in all of us.” He sighs.
“At least he has no way of entering Hogwarts, right?” Ronald asks.
”My brother is stubborn but the Dementors would locate any human trying to sneak into the castle.” Regulus smirks wondering wether his brother would be able to sneak in as an animagus.
“Thank you for speaking with us Regulus.” Hermione says. “Do you want to join us?” She asks despite Ronald’s pout.
”No… I think I’ll stay here for a bit. Have fun kids.” He watches as they walk away with an emptiness inside him.
Sirius never deserved the life he got… even if everything is true and he did end up becoming a murderer, there must have been a reason behind his sudden change of heart. Regulus was forced to kill by his parents, perhaps someone made his brother murder all those people.
Perhaps someone framed him… it has always been easy to manipulate him… that sentimental fool… always seeing the good in everyone apart from Regulus.
This time though, instead of being angry, Regulus can only feel sad and disappointed in himself. If only he hadn’t been such a coward… he would have had his brother now. Maybe… Sirius will manage to enter the castle… then I could finally apologize…