Chapter Seven
Twenty minutes later everyone in the room was caught up, and they all had time to ask questions about anything regarding Regulus and his time in America, one of the questions being ‘are american women hot’ and the answer to that was ‘I’m gay, Fred.’ which made the ginger twin shut up. James found that particularly funny, but he wasn’t going to mention it.
“Wait, is everyone in this house gay?” Ron asked, finding the concept of it pretty funny.
“James never said–” Hermione started but was stopped by James.
“I didn’t, but Ron’s correct. No one here is remotely straight,” he replied, snorting.
“What are you?” Ron asked, quite bluntly.
“Ronald–” Hermione screeched, making James laugh once again. Merlin, these kids were funny.
“I’m pansexual,” James explained with a gentle smile on his face. “I like everyone regardless of what they identify as.” Regulus looked at him, confused but also proud looking, which reminded James of one of the last conversations they had had in person, before everything went to complete and utter shit.
“Reg,” James whispered into the darkness of the room of requirement. “What if there isn’t a word for people like me?”
“What do you mean?” Regulus replied, turning around in James’ arms to look him in the eyes.
“What if I’m just weird? Like, what if there’s a label for everyone except me? You know that you’re gay, Remus and Lily know that they’re bisexual, Sirius knows that he’s gay, and Marlene, Dorcas, and Mary know that they’re lesbian. What if I’ll just never know? I asked Remus about it and even he didn’t know.”
“Love, I’m sure there’s a label for you if you look hard enough,” Regulus reassured him. “You don’t have to rush these things. Plus, the other day you were just saying that you didn’t know how to describe your attraction, how would you know if there isn’t a word for it?” James thought it over. “All you need to know is who you’re attracted to at the moment, you don’t need to worry about labelling yourself before you’re ready.” James was quiet.
“I guess you’re right,” James sighed, moving his head to Regulus’ chest. “All I need to know is that I like you.” Regulus kissed the top of his head and before he knew it, they were both sleeping.
James shook the memory from his head as he heard Regulus talking to him.
“You figured it out?” Regulus asked, his voice tentative. James smiled at him, really smiled at him for the first time since they were teenagers, and nodded.
“Right around when I was 20,” he explained. Regulus smiled softly at him and nodded.
“Can someone explain what that was?” George whispered, pretending to be quiet.
“Yes, I’d like to know that as well,” Sirius said, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow. James and Regulus both flushed pink.
“To catch you guys up,” Harry started, turning to the Weasleys, Hermione, and Andromeda. “They dated. For like, a year and a half? I believe. When they were around our age. They broke up because of–”
“And that’s all you guys need to know,” James cut his son off sharply. “Remember how we were talking about oversharing, Bambi? This is one of those times.”
“Oops,” he said, but he didn’t sound apologetic in the slightest.
“I knew you were with someone!” Andromeda said, pointing her finger at Regulus accusingly. “I kept asking you because you sounded insanely happy in your letters. Like way too happy for the circumstances and you kept denying it! I was fucking right!”
“Who is yelling in here?” Mary asked, walking into the room but pausing when she laid her eyes on Andromeda.
“You really brought everybody back, huh?” Andromeda asked, looking at James who laughed.
“It’s nice to see you too Andromeda,” Mary said warmly.
“Hello,” George said, sidling up to her. “I’m George Weasley and I’m just of legal age. Nice to meet you.” At Mary’s horrified and confused glance at James he snorted, covering his mouth with his hand as if to hide it.
“George,” Harry sighed, his head going into his hand.
“I’m Mary and I’m a lesbian, but nice to meet you?” Mary replied, instantly making George flush and back off.
“Cool,” Ginny whispered, staring at Mary, and suddenly she felt a surge of protectiveness over the soon to be fourth-year girl. Mary was going to have to talk to her later.
Everyone then descended into their own little conversations with each other and James just watched with soft eyes. At some point, Remus had slipped into the room and started whispering furiously with Andromeda, James would ask about that later. Eventually Regulus approached James, albeit hesitantly, considering their past interactions haven’t necessarily been pleasant.
“So,” he started, making James raise his eyebrow. “Pansexual?”
“Yes, and?” He asked, smiling a bit.
“Nothing,” Regulus said, nonchalantly. “It just seems like I was right.” James scoffed.
“Shut the fuck up,” he muttered, shaking his head. He didn’t know why they were suddenly getting along all of a sudden, but he didn’t have the energy to argue. “I was right about other stuff!”
“Like what?” Regulus asked, disbelief written on his face.
“Well for starters, Sirius doesn’t hate you,” James pointed out, a bitter smile on his face. At Regulus’ expression he knew he fucked up and it made him hate himself. Why the fuck did he always have to ruin things? “I didn’t mean it like that–”
“Well you sure meant it as something,” he muttered, walking away from James. Fuck. Sirius saw the distressed look on James’ face and abruptly stopped his conversation to head over to James.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asked, moving close to him.
“I’m a dick,” he muttered, shaking his head.
“Believe it or not, I knew that,” he laughed. “But why do you think that?”
“Regulus was talking to me like a normal human being,” he sighed. “And I fucked it up. Like I always manage to do.”
“I’m sure it couldn’t have been that bad—”
“I brought up something he said to me when we broke up.” Sirius stared at his brother with disbelief.
“Prongs, what the fuck?”
“He was talking about how he was right and I defended myself by saying that I was right about some things too. He asked what and I gave him an example.”
“What example?” he asked, nervous for the answer.
“That you didn’t hate him,” James whispered shamefully, avoiding Sirius’ gaze. “When we were kids he always thought that you hated him. I knew you didn’t and I would tell him that. That was one of the reasons that we broke up. I would ‘refuse to see his side of the situation’ because I would defend you. Sirius, I just want to be able to have civil conversations with him.”
All it took was that one sentence for Sirius to realize that James had truly cared about his brother at one point in time. And that maybe, deep down, he never truly stopped, no matter what he tried to convince himself. This line of thought brought back a memory that Sirius had long forgotten since they were 19.
“Uhm Sirius,” Remus said, sitting down next to him at their kitchen table, James following behind him, not looking at all like James usually did. “I have to tell you something before you see it in the paper.”
“Alright,” Sirius said slowly, putting his mug on the table and turning his full attention to his fiance and brother.
“It’s your brother,” Remus started. “Regulus was assumed dead last night.”
The world tilted. His vision went blurry around the edges and he forgot to breathe. His baby brother? No, it can’t be. He was high in Voldemort’s rank. He was valuable, how did he manage to die?
“No,” Sirius got up, shaking his head. “No he didn’t–” At that moment, James’ owl, Athena, flew into the room, and dropped the Daily Prophet in front of Sirius, making him fall back into his chair as soon as he saw the headline.
The Young Black Heir, Regulus Arcturus Black Presumed Dead After Going Missing for Two Weeks!
No. This couldn’t be real.
“Pads,” James said, his voice rough, presumably from seeing his brother in so much pain. “I’m so sorry.”
James’ reaction made much more sense now. They would have been broken up for around four years by then, but James had still been torn up about it. That explained why he didn’t leave his house that much for a while. Had Lily known about it?
“Had Lily known about you and Regulus?” Sirius asked abruptly, making James flinch like he wasn’t expecting that question at all.
“I told her about how I liked everyone,” he said slowly. “And she asked if I had ever been with someone other than a girl and I said yes and told her I dated a Slytherin in the year below us for a year and a half. I’m not sure she put it together when he was presumed dead. My wife was observant.” Sirius nodded. “Where did that come from?”
“I never really thought about how you would’ve actually cared for him before,” Sirius said. “It doesn’t seem like you ever truly stopped though.”
Leave it to Sirius to send James into a spiral about dead feelings. James didn’t like Regulus anymore, he hadn’t since seventh year, despite being with Lily since the middle of sixth. He’d always felt bad about that but he had truly liked Lily at the same time, so he doesn’t really see the harm. Plus, he was pretty sure Lily was aware of him having small feelings for someone else at the beginning of their relationship, and she hadn’t minded so he’d stopped feeling the guilt he did at the beginning. James knew that he didn’t like Regulus still, he was certain of that. But did he still care for him?
James had always had trouble figuring different feelings out, and he figured he would always struggle with it, but it annoyed him to no end. James felt like a terrible person for even entertaining the thought that he cared for Regulus. He’s barely spoken to him since he was found to be alive, so why should James care about him?
“So Harry,” Mary started one night when they were all sitting in the study together, each doing their own thing. Remus and Sirius were reading Pride and Prejudice together, Harry was doing summer work with the help of James, Mary was crocheting, and Regulus was sitting in the corner presumably drawing, although no one was sure and none of them were going to ask. “Are you doing anything with your friends for your birthday?” Harry stopped doing his work for a moment to look at Mary.
“Not as of right now,” he said, shaking his head, his voice a bit sad.
“You can have them come over for the night if you want to,” James suggested. He was starting to notice that everytime someone brought up his birthday he got sad, and while James had a rough guess of why that was, he still wasn’t a hundred percent sure. “Or just for the day, whatever you want, although I would prefer if you guys don’t go out and do something because of everything going on recently.” Harry just silently nodded and went back to his summer transfiguration work. All of the adults shared a knowing look, and James knew that they all knew why he was upset.
“So,” Sirius began as soon as Harry had gone up to bed. “We all know that Harry misses Cedric. Obviously, as anyone would miss their partner once they die, but how do we help him?”
“Well,” Regulus started, sounding timid and glancing at James nervously. “Not to, uh, bring up any bad memories but how did you guys help–”
“Me after Lily died?” James finished, raising an eyebrow. “They didn’t, not really. Well not at first at least but it wasn’t anyone’s fault but myself.”
“Okay well we don’t have to worry about Harry drinking, he doesn’t want to,” Remus intervened. “So that’s that aspect of it.”
“He doesn’t want to drink? He’s almost 15 and you’re telling me he doesn’t want to drink? That doesn’t sound right,” Regulus said.
“I agree with Regulus on that one,” Mary said, confused. “Are you sure we don’t have to worry about that?” Remus and Sirius glanced at James.
“He doesn’t,” James confirmed. Mary and Regulus exchanged disbelieving looks. James knew they were thinking back to when they were 15 and when everyone would get drunk. “I’m 10 years sober, but only after 2 months of muggle rehab. He doesn’t want to drink because he has the gene for alcoholism and doesn’t want to risk it.” If Mary and Regulus had any doubt left in their minds of whether or not Harry not wanting to drink was true, that for sure shut it down.
“Oh,” Mary whispered. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you,” James nodded, gently smiling at her. “So back to it, how do we help him? The first year or so after Lily’s death is a bit of a blur to me so I don’t exactly remember how you guys helped.”
“Really we were just sort of there,” Sirius shrugged. “We didn’t bring her up but if you wanted to talk about the whole thing then we would.”
“Okay, but I don’t think he wants to talk about it at all,” Mary said, worry creeping into her tone. “And that’s the concerning part. If he just bottles it up he’s bound to explode, and while that could happen over the summer it’s more likely to happen at school, and that can’t happen, it won’t be safe for him.”
Sirius glanced at Regulus before saying, “Maybe Regulus could talk to him? They’re similar, it’s really quite jarring when you think about it. Well, they aren’t similar, but their coping mechanisms seem to be.” Regulus glared at Sirius.
“James made it clear that I’m not supposed to be spending time with his son, I’m not going to just ignore his instructions,” he said sharply. James could tell that Regulus had started occluding. Which really, never meant something good but it’s whatever.
“If you would like to,” James started slowly, as if testing how the words felt in his mouth. “You could try talking to him. He doesn’t know you that well so he may feel more comfortable talking about his feelings with you rather than with three people who raised him and one who has managed to somehow get him to like her quickly. Of course, you don’t have to do it if you aren’t comfortable with it, I know some people don’t enjoy talking to teenagers, but you’re free to try if you’d like to.”
And that was how Regulus had ended up in his current situation. It was the night before Harry’s 15th birthday and he was currently standing outside of the boy’s room, unnecessarily nervous for the conversation he was about to attempt to have with Harry. With a deep breath, he knocked on the boy’s door. After a moment and some rustling there was a faint, “Come in!” Regulus took another breath and then opened the door hesitantly to find Harry lying on his bed, reading The Picture of Dorian Gray.
“That’s a good book,” Regulus said, nodding to it, making Harry’s head snap up to look at him, as he hadn’t checked who it was.
“Yeah,” Harry said slowly, sounding confused.
“Is that the copy from here?” When Harry nodded, Regulus almost smiled. Almost. “Do you enjoy the annotations?”
“Are they yours?” Harry asked. Regulus shrugged.
“The ones in black are. The pink ones are from one of my friends from school. Actually, you may know her daughter. Luna Lovegood?” Recognition flickered across the boy’s face.
“I think she’s one of Gin’s friends. You were friends with her mother?” Harry asked, slightly shocked.
“Pandora Rosier,” Regulus nodded. “Her and her twin brother, Evan.”
“Cool,” Harry said. “Who made the green ones?”
“Green ones?” He asked, confused. “May I see the handwriting?” Harry shrugged and handed him the book. At the handwriting his heart broke a bit.
“Those were Dorcas, I didn’t know she had ever read it,” Regulus said, a sad smile on his face as he handed the book back to him. At the mention of Dorcas, Harry’s face scrunched up in confusion.
“Dorcas? Like the Dorcas who was friends with Aabe?” Regulus nodded.
“The same,” he confirmed. “She was the one to introduce me and your Aabe in my third year.” Harry thought for a moment before nodding.
“Not to sound rude or anything,” Harry started, sounding a bit hesitant.
“You want to know why I’m talking to you as I’m assuming you know that your Aabe specifically didn’t want me to speak with you?”
“A bit, yeah,” he admitted.
“Well,” Regulus said, leaning against the wall across from Harry’s bed. “Your Aabe, Sirius, Remus, and Mary are all concerned about you. And they thought that we were similar in our ways of coping. Well, moreso Sirius but still.”
“Why are they worried about me?” he grumbled, lying back down.
“Well because you don’t have any actual concrete plans for your birthday and your mood changes from day to day. Which I believe to be a normal thing for people, especially for teenagers, and especially for a teenager who has gone through what you have recently.”
“I really wish people would stop phrasing it like that,” he muttered.
“Like what?” Regulus asked, already knowing the answer.
“Like I’m an eggshell waiting to shatter. I saw my boyfriend get murdered by my Aabe’s old friend. You can say it. Avoiding the actual words doesn’t make it any less real.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry,” he said, nodding. “They also want to make sure that you have healthy coping mechanisms. I’ve been told that there’s nothing to worry about with alcohol. Is that correct?”
“I’ve tried firewhiskey once and it was disgusting. I threw up after one shot. There’s nothing to worry about,” Harry assured him. “Plus, I don’t wish to become addicted to it.”
“Smart,” Regulus said, nodding. “And just to clarify, you’re not doing any illegal potions or even muggle drugs, correct? Because I believe the genes for alcoholism and addiction are very similar.”
“I’m not doing any of that either.”
“I don’t want to give you any ideas from these questions, but I want to make sure you’re safe. Are you hurting yourself in any way, shape, or form?” Harry hesitated a split second too long for comfort. “If I ask, will you tell me what you’re doing?”
“It’s nothing bad,” Harry said slowly. “Just when I get upset I pick at my fingers to make sure I can still feel something. It’s never really that bad. Hermione has been researching different ways for me to do that.”
“That’s good,” Regulus nodded, trying to think of something temporary that he could do but he couldn’t figure something out. Merlin was he lucky to have friends as great as Hermione. ”Have you heard of harm reduction?” When Harry shook his head he continued, “It’s when you still do something that isn’t good for you, but in a less harmful way. I’m assuming my brother has some of those hair ties around here somewhere? If you keep one on your wrist and snap it instead of picking at your fingers, it reduces the harm of it a bit, as it doesn’t break your skin. Maybe try that until Hermione finds another way?” Harry paused, seemingly thinking about it before ultimately agreeing.