Chapter Two
James knew it was a dream, truly, he did. He was fully aware of it. But that didn’t make it any better. Right now he was standing in the old version of his current home, the version that Lily had died in. He knew exactly what day it was, he could tell by the state that the house was in that it was Halloween of 1981. He had been here many times before and he knew what was happening but no matter how much he tried to stop himself from walking into the house, it didn’t work. His feet were moving against his will and they were carrying him into the wreckage, sobs already tearing out of his mouth. He wished that Sirius had walked him home. He wished that Sirius was allowed to know where he lived. Because if Sirius was there, then James wouldn’t have had to see Lily’s body, right next to his.
“Lily?” He called out. He didn’t know why he did, he knew that there wasn’t going to be an answer. He knew how this night ended. “Lily?”
It was then that he heard the crying. The completely devastated wails of his son. And that was enough for James to take off running up the stairs and into the room. He had known what room to go in because he saw the wreckage from the hall. He knew what he was going to see, yet when he saw his wife laying there, lifeless, he felt the exact heartbreak that he had on that night. He felt sobs tear through him at a faster rate than ever as he dropped to the floor to cradle his wife’s head. His wife, his love, the woman of his dreams. Dead. And the murderer of her was on the floor next to her, looking dead as well.
The wails that were coming out of Harry snapped James out of his thoughts and he looked to his right to see his three year old son sitting next to Lily’s body, crying his heart out but seemingly unharmed except for the apparent scar that sat in the middle of his forehead. It oddly resembled a lighting strike, with jagged lines running down to his eyelids in all directions. How was he still alive? James knew he shouldn’t be questioning it, he should just be thankful, but he couldn’t help himself. How had his son survived? If Lily was… unable to fight Voldemort then how did he wind up dead?
James shook the thoughts out of his head and reached for his son. “It’s alright, Harry. Waa caadi, Harry. It’s just me. Aabe. Yeah?” Harry looked up at his father, his eyes welling up with big fat tears that were going to start falling. He pulled Harry into his lap, and laid his head on his chest, Lily’s head still laying in his lap. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, numb to it all, before he felt someone shake him.
“–ongs? James!” Remus yelled, making Harry, Sirius, and James wake up. “Motherfucker,” he muttered.
“What’s wrong?” Harry asked, still sounding half asleep.
“Nothing Bambi,” he whispered. “Try to fall back asleep, yeah? I need to talk to your father in the hallway for a bit but as soon as we’re done, we’ll come right back, okay?”
“Okay,” he said, snuggling back into the bed. “Goodnight Aabe and Moony.”
Remus waited until James became a bit more aware of his surroundings before gently pulling him up off of the couch and into the hallway where James leaned against the wall and then slid down to the floor, his head in his hands.
“James,” he said quietly. “What do you need?”
“For Lily to be here,” he replied instantly. “For Voldemort to be dead. For Harry to have a normal, happy life. I need so many things, Remus, but I can’t get any of them.”
“The nightmare,” Remus said, connecting the dots. “It was Halloween.” James laughed without any humour.
“When isn’t it Halloween? I wake up every morning to the same shitty reality where my son is without his mother, I’m without my wife, and neither of us are particularly happy. All of that is a direct result of fucking Halloween,” James snapped, tears welling up in his eyes. “It fucking sucks.”
“Hey,” he said softly. “I know it sucks. God, James I wouldn’t wish what’s happened to you on anyone except the fucking psychopaths that caused it. But you’re going to get through it. We’ll get through it. You aren’t going to be alone.”
“I’m so selfish, Remus,” he said, sniffling, his tears finally falling down his face. “I shouldn’t be like this. I have to take care of Harry, I should be in there right now instead of being right here freaking out because of a stupid nightmare.”
“You aren’t being selfish,” he said, shaking his head gently. “You’re being a good father. You didn’t break down until you were alone, and you haven’t snapped at Harry or done anything like that. You can’t fault yourself for having emotions. I’m pretty sure you were the one who told me that.”
“Hey,” James said weakly. “You can’t use a man’s words against him when he’s crying. That’s just not right.” The two just looked at each for a moment before laughing. “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”
“You have, but feel free to remind me,” he said grinning.
“Well then nevermind,” James scoffed, wiping the last of his tears away.
“I love you too, you know,” Remus offered. James nodded.
“Yeah, I know,” he said, nodding.
The next morning was something James hadn’t figured out how to handle. It was currently 7 in the morning and Harry was still sleeping so that meant he had some time. James had been trying to think of how he was going to help Harry through everything for the entire night but still, he came up with absolutely nothing.
There were so many different ways that teenagers could grieve, and in all of James’ life, he’s never seen a completely healthy way of doing so. When everything with Snape happened in fifth year and the whomping willow Remus threw himself into his school work which was quite similar to how Lily handled her falling out with Snape. When Sirius was disowned he started snogging everyone but wouldn’t let his friends touch him. And when James had lost his parents in his sixth year he had drowned his feelings in alcohol and drugs and was angry at everyone. None of those coping mechanisms really seemed to be healthy and James didn’t want Harry to use any of them. Especially because Harry has the gene for addiction now. He didn’t want Harry to be like him. He didn’t want Harry to have to go through the withdrawal and the cravings. James needed to figure something out.
All James knew was that he was going to make sure that Harry didn’t need to stay at Hogwarts for the last week and a half of school if he didn’t want to. He was pretty sure that all of his teachers would be more than okay with it, and if they weren’t they would have to deal with a pissed off James Potter, and as some of them know from his time as a student there, that isn’t someone they’d like to cross paths or deal with.
“Aabe?” Harry said from the hospital bed, still sounding half asleep but reaching out for James’ hand nonetheless. James moved quickly to hold the hold that Harry had reached out from under his little cocoon of blankets. He truly looked like a child right then and it broke James’ heart to no end that his kid would most likely never get to be a normal kid again.
“I’m here Bambi,” he said, gently carding his freed hand through his son’s unruly black hair that was almost identical to the mop that was his own hair. “How’d you sleep?”
“Not the best,” he mumbled. “But I didn’t expect anything better.” James struggled to keep his face from falling at the defeat in Harry’s voice. Poppy then walked into the room and smiled softly at what she found there. She enjoyed seeing the boy that she watched grow up be a fantastic single father to Harry.
“You’re free to go today Harry whenever you feel ready to,” she said, keeping her voice soft. “The only request that anyone has is that once Harry leaves you are to go speak with Albus about something.” James groaned and Poppy’s lips quirked up into a something of an amused smile before settling back in the straight line that it usually was. “What, don’t you love speaking with your old headmaster?” She asked, not even bothering to hide the amusement that seeped into her voice.
“Oh yeah, it’s the highlight of my life,” he deadpanned, making her laugh a bit.
“See you boys next year,” she said, walking out of the room.
“Poppy, I hope you don’t see me ever again,” James said, laughing.
“The feeling is mutual James!” She called from her office before closing the door. James just laughed and shook his head slightly before turning to look at Harry.
“If you’d like,” he started slowly. “I can arrange it so that you can leave school early and not go to classes for the next week and a half. All of your exams are done, right?” Harry nodded. “Would you want me to try to figure it out or would you rather stay here?” Harry was quiet for a moment, obviously thinking it over.
“If you can convince Dumbledore to, then I’d like to leave early,” he said quietly, making James immediately nod. “But if you can’t, then don’t worry about it, I’ll just skip the classes.” James snorted.
“Of course,” he said, laughing a bit. “I’ll go talk to him about it now because apparently the arse wants to see me anyway.” Harry laughed at that but James could hear the underlying tone of sadness.
“So,” James started. “Why did you need to speak with me Albus?”
“You know, usually you call someone by their given title if you respect them, especially if they’re older,” he said, his face impassive but James could see the disapproving glint in the older man’s eyes.
“Well, I don’t necessarily respect you all that much so that solves that problem. Why did you want to speak with me?”
“It’s awfully bold for you to say that when I’m about to offer you safety,” he said. James furrowed his eyebrows, confused, but didn’t interrupt. “I’ve already started getting the Order set back up and if you join, you’ll get full immunity from the war. You won't go on missions, you won’t be putting your life in danger, you’d only be getting the information that’s crucial to the war. Now, you understand that this immunity cannot be given lightly–”
“What about Harry?” He interrupted after without doing so for record time. “What about my family? If you can’t promise them immunity as well then I don’t want it.”
“James, you must understand that Harry is a crucial part to this war–”
“I heard the fucking prophecy just as you did,” James cut him of sharply. “I’m aware of the role that my son is being forced into. But I’m not just talking about him. I want Sirius and Remus to get full protection as well. And I want you to inform Mary MacDonald of what is happening because she’s been out of the wizarding world for years and she doesn’t follow the news. I need you to make sure that she is safe as well. Otherwise I’m not joining the Order and I am not accepting what you’re offering me.”
“You have a lot of reserves about the Order this time around,” he observed.
“The last time I joined it my wife and two of my best friends were murdered, so forgive me for being hesitant,” James said. “There was a spy last time, how can you guarantee that there won’t be again?”
“Well for starters Mr. Pettigrew isn’t here–”
“But he’s still out there!” James snapped, standing up from where he had previously sat down. “Peter Pettigrew is still out there and you or the Ministry aren’t doing anything to find him! So unless you can promise me everything I’ve asked for, I will not be joining the Order this time around.” James went to leave before hesitating and turning around. “I’m taking Harry home early. We’ll be leaving at some point today and he isn’t going to be coming back for the rest of the year.”
“I would try to convince you against that but I feel as though I wouldn’t be very successful,” Dumbledore sighed.
“Wow, you actually understand me for once,” he said before swiftly leaving the room.
James couldn’t believe the nerve of that man. How dare he offer him immunity without promising Harry or Sirius and Remus immunity as well? Why would Albus think that he’d be okay with that deal? He knew him, he’s known him since he was eleven, he had to have known that he wouldn’t have accepted it. How could he have? Accepting that would have been extremely selfish, wouldn’t it? But then again, if he were to become safe then he could just take everyone with him, couldn’t he? Well, then the war wouldn’t end because James understands his child’s role in the war, he does, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. Why did everything have to be so complicated?
Before James knew it, he was outside of the hospital wing, about to walk in when Harry walked out, ever so slowly, looking around to see if anyone was there. When his eyes landed on his father he relaxed a bit. James smiled at him before moving to wrap an arm around him.
“I’m taking you home today,” James said, smiling as Harry let out a sigh of relief.
“Mahadsanid,” he said, leaning into him a bit. “I still need to pack so it may be a while until I’m ready. Oh, and I also need to tell Hermione and Ron. Probably the whole Weasley family actually. Did you know that they all came to see me in the tournament?”
“I’m not surprised,” James replied honestly. He was somewhat glad that Harry seemed to be doing alright today because he still needs time to think about how to approach the subject of Cedric in a delicate yet effective way. Fuck knows how he’ll be able to manage that. “Do you want me to come with you to your dorm or are you alright by yourself?” This is the one thing that James knew how to do. He knew how to ask Harry what he needed and he’ll always respect his choices.
“Ma i raaci kartaa?” Harry asked, his voice quiet. James nodded immediately.
“Wax kasta oo aad u baahan tahay Bambi,” James replied and they were off to the Gryffindor dorms. It was a silent and short walk but it took longer than it usually did because Harry would stop and tense whenever he heard the voice of another student. At one point he even stopped walking completely and grabbed James’ hand. He hadn’t let go the rest of the walk. When they got to the portrait Harry mumbled the password and they walked into the common room that was filled with talking children. Well, previously talking children. As soon as they caught sight of Harry and James at the door of the room they all went silent and stared.
“Staring is rude you dameero,” Harry mumbled, walking to the stairs ignoring everyone. James had to hold back a snort as he followed his son up the stairs and into his dorm which looked eerily familiar.
“This is your dorm?” James asked, amusement evident in his voice. Harry shot him a weird look but nodded.
“Yeah, why?”
“This was our dorm when we were in school,” he said, smiling slightly. “If you look at..” he started, moving towards a bed. “The post on this should have our initials carved into it.” James moved the curtain a bit to the left and low and behold the initials J.P, S.P, R.L, and P.P were carved into it.
“That’s my bed,” Harry said, smiling. “Is the P in Padfoot’s for Potter?” James nodded.
“After fifth year he started going by Potter to separate himself from his family. That’s also why Sirius took Remus’ last name and not vice versa. Do you have something sharp that I could use?” Harry gave him a confused face but went to his bedside drawer and pulled out a knife. “Why the fuck do you have a knife in your bedside table?”
“A lot of people have it out for me,” he said, sounding completely serious yet sarcastic at the same time.
“Ciise masiix,” James grumbled, grabbing it from him. He then got to work crossing out the P.P and changing it to H.P. “There. Done.” Harry moved to look at what he had done curiously and when he had seen it a bright smile overtook his face. “Now, do you want me to pack your stuff so that you can find Hermione and Ron or do you want me to just be here?” Harry paused to think about it.
“Can you stay here and then come with me to find them?” Harry asked, a bit hesitant. James nodded and sat down on his bed crossing his legs. They sat in a comfortable silence as Harry packed his trunk and James just watched and handed him stuff as he needed it. After around a half an hour Harry was finished packing his stuff and James shrunk his trunk so that it could fit in his pocket. “Can we go find them now?”
“Dabcan,” James said, nodding. They then left the dorm and walked through the common room, this time no one stared and no one stopped talking. Harry then pulled the map out of his pocket and opened it to reveal that they were both in the Great Hall.
“Cajiib ah,” Harry muttered. “They’re eating right now.”
“Well, looks like we’re going to interrupt their breakfast,” he said, grimacing.
And they did just that. They walked into the Great Hall, ignored the stares and pitiful looks they received, asked Ron and Hermione to talk to them and then promptly left to the Gryffindor common room.
“Are you okay, Harry?” Hermione asked, concern evident in her voice.
“Yeah,” he nodded, smiling a bit at her concern. “I am leaving early though.”
“That’s smart,” she said, nodding approvingly at the decision. “Are we still going to be able to see you this summer? Or no?” Harry pulled a confused face.
“Yeah, obviously. Why wouldn’t you be able to?”
“Dumbledore said–” Ron started.
“Albus says a lot of bullshit,” James cut him off. “Don’t listen to him, you guys can visit him whenever you’d like.” Hermione and Ron shared a concerned look but ultimately shrugged and nodded.
“Thank you James,” Hermione said, gratefully. He simply smiled back at them.
“I need to speak with Minnie for a moment,” he said. “Will you guys be alright if I leave you here for a bit?”
“Haa Aabe, shan sano ma ihi,” Harry grumbled, making him chuckle.
“Waa hagaag, waa hagaag,” he said, raising his hands in surrender. “Just make sure to send me a Patronus if you go anywhere.” Harry nodded while rolling his eyes.