Kissing & Control
Xavier led Harry through the main building of campus. Neither of them said anything as they walked past classmates and teachers, all filling the corridors and chatting away with easy smiles and loud laughs.
Harry wished he was one of them.
Instead, Harry was following someone he considered one of his best friends, someone he was pretty sure fancied his boyfriend, to go talk.
So was life, he supposed.
Xavier jimmied open the door to the ballroom and grinned at Harry when he opened it.
“Through here,” he said.
Harry stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets and followed Xavier when he led him through the ballroom to the back exit that led to the loading ramp.
“I kind of thought we were more than just friends.”
That’s what Tyler had told Harry when they were there together during the dance.
And they were more than friends - but Harry couldn’t figure out how Xavier factored into the equation.
Xavier huffed, his breath making a little cold cloud, and he sat down on the ledge of the ramp, exactly where Harry and Tyler had been sitting during the Rave’N.
“Nothing is going on between me and Tyler,” Xavier blurted out as soon as Harry sat down beside him.
Harry let out a relieved sigh, his shoulders relaxing from the strain he hadn’t noticed. He turned to grin at Xavier, feeling rather daft for the way he’d acted, then Xavier went on.
“But I wish there was.”
“Oh.” Harry felt like he had the wind knocked from him and all he could do was blink stupidly at Xavier.
Xavier… Xavier wished that he was with Tyler. It made sense, Tyler was cute and funny, he was genuine and smart. Tyler had been through so much and he was still fighting to be who he wanted to be.
And Xavier was handsome with his long hair and straight nose. He was smart, probably top of their class, and he was passionate and empathetic. Xavier understood the same things Harry and Tyler did, like loneliness and feeling trapped in a life they didn’t want.
Harry had his powers and his past that threatened to overwhelm him every day.
Tyler had his Hyde and his master, holding him hostage in his own body.
Xavier had his family and his father, all pressuring him to be someone he didn’t want to be.
Xavier wanted to be with Tyler and Tyler looked rather happy to be touching Xavier earlier.
And Harry was… was just Harry.
“Oh,” Harry repeated, hardly able to hear himself over the blood pounding in his ears. “Okay.”
Xavier’s brows twitched together and crinkled his forehead. He scooted closer to Harry and put his hand on the cement right next to Harry’s.
“‘Okay’?” Xavier asked softly. “That’s just… okay to you?”
Harry laughed in an effort to not cry. “No, it’s not,” he said, his voice sounding too upset for his laugh to be believable. Harry ducked his head and pulled his hands to his lap so he could twist the sleeve of his blazer in his fingers tightly.
“It’s not okay, but what choice do I have?” Harry asked miserably. “You want to be with him, he’s not going to choose me once he knows.”
“Why?”
Harry laughed again, that time definitely sounding hysterical.
Why would he? Tyler didn’t stick around when he thought Harry had died, he’d left with Xavier. Sure, he’d been happy to see Harry alive, but so was Sirius and Sirius certainly didn’t want to date Harry.
Tyler and Xavier were brilliant and Harry would just try and accept that they preferred each other.
“Not if the option is you,” Harry said truthfully, keeping his eyes on his lap. “You’re… you’re amazing. You’re kind and forgiving, not like me at all. And Tyler…” Harry forced himself to breathe and swallow down the ache in his chest. “And Tyler will be happy when you tell him.”
Xavier said nothing for a moment and Harry couldn’t bear to look at him. Harry could force himself to still be their friend, he’d still help Tyler if he wanted it, and he’d protect Xavier from Wednesday’s suspicions, but Harry knew that every time he looked at Xavier that he’d remember this conversation.
When Xavier’s hand moved to Harry’s face, his long fingers curling under Harry’s chin, Harry didn’t resist when Xavier lifted his face so they could look directly in each others eyes. He should have resisted, he couldn’t stand to look at Xavier and see the soft expression in his eyes, not then, but he didn’t.
“If I said I wish I could be with you too, would you be happy?” Xavier whispered, his voice low and his breath washing over Harry and clouding his thoughts. “If I said that I see you and Tyler together and I don’t know who I’m more jealous of, what would you say?”
Harry’s eyes widened and he shook his head slightly. He couldn’t even make sense of what Xavier said. He wanted to… to be with Harry?
Harry’s stomach curled with guilt when he looked in Xavier’s eyes and saw nothing but honesty. Alongside honesty though, Harry could see an entirely different life.
One where he and Xavier shared soft kisses while Xavier painted or Harry played the piano. They could lay out on their balconies after curfew and talk about everything and nothing at all. Harry knew he’d never turn away when he knew all of Harry’s past and Xavier could trust Harry with all the secrets inside his soul.
It would be soft, peaceful, easy.
It wouldn’t have any of the fire, excitement, and energy that Harry and Tyler had. They had heated kisses in a car with coffee dates. They could lay on Tyler’s couch and could flay themselves open and know they’d never be judged. Not by each other.
Both lives were so enticing, so intoxicating, and it felt like Xavier was offering him a choice.
Xavier or Tyler.
Harry couldn’t choose.
“I’m going to kiss you,” Xavier murmured. His pupils dilated and his face tilted closer to Harry. “Tell me to stop, Harry. Tell me you choose him.”
Harry’s lips parted, his brain warring with itself.
Xavier or Tyler.
Xavier’s fingers gently tugged Harry’s face closer to his own.
“Tell me you choose him,” Xavier whispered once more.
Harry couldn’t.
Harry couldn’t tell him that because Harry couldn’t choose; suddenly, Harry had wanted nothing as much as he wanted both of those lives.
Xavier came closer and his lips were brushing lightly on Harry’s.
“Tell me to stop and I will.”
Harry was the one who pushed forward, desperate to feel Xavier’s lips fully against his own.
And it was magic, just as magical as Harry and Tyler’s first kiss. Where Tyler had been hot and took control of the kiss, Xavier was soft and pliable, moving with Harry instead of guiding him.
Tyler had turned Harry’s insides into an inferno and Harry felt like Xavier was drowning him in soft sweetness.
“I trust you.”
Harry broke away from Xavier with a gasp. He scrambled away, jumping to his feet. All the soft sweetness he’d been feeling twisted and changed to guilt just as sharp as the wind stinging his heated cheeks.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” Harry stammered. “I- Tyler- he…”
Xavier got to his feet and didn’t look Harry in the eyes.
“It’s my fault,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry.”
Harry shook his head and backed toward the door, “Don’t apologize,” he said. “I- just don’t apologize.”
Because if Xavier apologized, then Harry would too. And… and Harry didn’t want to take it back. Not really.
“I gotta go,” Harry told him. He needed to tell Tyler, or Wednesday, or… or write about it in his journal and try to make a decision.
Xavier watched as Harry all but fled with his green eyes full of panic and knew that he’d done the wrong thing and now it was time to do the right thing.
*****
Tyler was sitting in his car with the engine idling and the harsh music washing over him.
It had probably been the worst twenty-four hours of his life and he really thought that was saying something.
He watched Harry die. He saw him die with his own two eyes. He’d been so furious - so broken with pain - that he’d transformed into Hyde and Xavier saw him. And instead of screaming, panicking, or turning him in… Xavier chased after Tyler and wrapped him in his jacket and helped him get back home.
The two of them had spent the night on the couch, crying and holding each other as they worked through their grief. Xavier had been as broken as Tyler was, because Tyler could see then that Xavier felt the same way about Harry as Tyler did.
And seeing Xavier so broken in his grief had been beautiful.
Almost as beautiful as seeing Harry alive, smiling, breathing, and safe.
Now all Tyler wanted to do was shut his brain off, not picture Xavier with his grief filled hazel eyes or Harry with his fire filled green ones.
The universe was working against Tyler, as usual, because his phone began ringing in his pocket and only one person had Third Eye Blind as their ringtone- the only other person Tyler knew who liked the band as much as he did.
“Hey, Xavier,” Tyler answered the call and turned down the radio. He leaned against his headrest and kept his eyes closed. “What’s up?”
“Hey, man, listen…” Xavier didn’t sound so hot, his voice was tense and strained. “I- I did something stupid and I’m so fucking sorry.”
Tyler sat up quickly, tightening his grip on his phone in absolute panic. He should have known Xavier wouldn’t keep his secret, he hadn’t asked about it, but Xavier wasn’t like Harry.
Tyler could trust Harry with his entire essence and Harry would keep it safe.
“What’d you do?” Tyler asked, steeling himself to hear something catastrophic. He wouldn’t hurt Xavier, he didn’t know if he even could, but he’d have to run.
Run and hope that Laurel never found him.
Run and hope that Harry would go with him.
“I kissed Harry.”
Tyler’s grip on his phone loosened. Of all the things he’d been imagining, that wasn’t one of them. He wasn’t stupid, despite what his dad might think, Tyler saw how Xavier looked at Harry.
Tyler saw the painting of Harry on the piano, his friend Wednesday little more than a side piece to Harry’s shining performance on the canvas. Tyler knew Xavier was as wrapped around Harry’s orbit as he was, but he didn’t expect to feel jealous when Xavier said he kissed Harry.
And Tyler wasn’t even sure which of them he was more jealous of.
“Oh,” Tyler said when the silence stretched on to an unbearable level. “Okay.”
Xavier laughed, sounding a little crazy, honestly. “Why do you guys keep saying that?! That’s what Harry said when I told him that nothing happened between us when he was with Wednesday but damn if I wish there was. He said ‘oh, okay’ then I kissed him and now you’re saying ‘OH OKAY’.”
Tyler closed his eyes again when a strong wave of emotion rushed over him; not jealousy, not anger, but desire.
Possessive and selfish desire.
“You wish something happened between us?” Tyler asked Xavier, his voice choked. It could have. The comforting embrace they’d held each other in could have shifted to something steamier, something hotter.
Tyler could have kissed away Xavier’s tears and let Xavier push his grief to the back of his mind. Xavier wasn’t as soft as Harry, he wasn’t as fragile beneath Tyler’s hands, but he wasn’t as hard on the inside either.
They were like two separate worlds, Harry and Xavier. And now that Tyler could see it, Tyler couldn’t stop wanting the live in both worlds.
Xavier’s voice was soft enough to send a shiver down Tyler’s spine. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I do.”
Tyler groaned and tapped his head on the steering wheel.
“You’re making this so complicated,” Tyler told him. “Damn it, Xavier, damn you.”
Xavier ruined everything. He ruined it when he let Tyler apologize in the Weathervane. He ruined it when he painted that canvas of Harry. He ruined it when he went to get milkshakes with them and they all bonded over their shitty families.
Xavier ruined it when he knew Tyler was a Hyde and he didn’t say anything and instead comforted him all night.
“YOU RUINED EVERYTHING,” Tyler yelled at him. He pounded his fist against the steering wheel. “How am I supposed to not want you? Not love him? DAMN YOU, XAVIER!”
“I’m sorry,” Xavier said. His voice quivered and Tyler hated himself a little bit for causing it, but Tyler loved Harry.
And now he’d never be able to get the image of himself and Xavier out of his head. Himself and Xavier. Xavier and Harry. Harry and himself.
It would be perfect and it was an image that would never happen.
“I gotta go,” Tyler told Xavier shakily. “I just- I need to see Harry.”
Tyler would see Harry and these ideas about Xavier would go away. Tyler would ask him about the kiss and Harry would probably apologize - not that he needed to - and they’d fall together just as they had the first time they met.
And they’d pretend there wasn’t a shadow that lingered over them whispering ‘what if?’
“I get it, I get it,” Xavier said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to mess anything up.”
“You didn’t,” Tyler told him. “I just… I can’t hurt him. I can’t, Xavier. I- you have no idea,” he said heatedly. “No idea at all.”
“I know you guys are good together and I tried to get in the middle of it, I’m so fucking sorry.”
Tyler yelled when Xavier disconnected the line.
Damn him.
“DAMN HIM!”
Tyler threw his car in reverse, backing out of his driveway, convinced that all he needed to do was see Harry.
Everything could be perfect again.
When his phone rang, Tyler didn’t even spare a look at the caller ID, he assumed it was his dad calling to check on him.
“What?” he answered rudely while his tires squealed with the turn he took toward Nevermore.
“Hello, sweetheart. You’ve been avoiding me.”
No. Fuck. Not now.
“I haven’t,” Tyler lied quickly. “I swear.”
Laurel laughed and the same laugh that used to make Tyler feel loved now made him feel sick.
How could he have let himself think that Laurel loved him? How desperate had he been?
“I don’t believe you,” Laurel cooed. “You can make it up to me now. I order you to go pick up Harry and meet me in Crackstone’s crypt. Don’t dally, Tyler, Mama’s waiting.”
Tyler barely had time to pull his car and roll from the drivers seat over before his muscles began twitching out of his control - never in his control - and pain tore through his body as he exploded into the Hyde once more.
He got his wish in the worst way possible, his mind had been turned off to his feelings for Harry, his desire for Xavier. All Hyde worried about was fulfilling its Master’s order.