An undeniable favor
From a very young age, Regulus would realize that he is not equal to others.
When he was six years old, he and his brother would often sneak out to play with the other youngsters in the neighborhood, something that was strictly prohibited towards them by their parents. It would've been better if they didn't, but they still did anyway.
When all the kids their age would gather, they'd play something as rudimentary as 'house'. Regulus would not even be considered human. They would forcefully assign him to be the dog. That way, he learned quickly that he was considered weird, despite his best efforts to appear normal. At first, he thought it was because he was a wizard, unlike them, but soon he figured that this must not be the case.
His routine consisted of practicing facial expressions in the mirror, silently studying others' actions, and trying his best to replicate them.
But it didn't matter. People could still tell he wasn't welcome. He failed a test he didn't know he was taking, and now it was too late to join them. He was distraught of course. He felt fundamentally broken inside, their taunts and insults dug into his skin like rusty nails. Sirius would always leave him behind, getting too carried away with playing with the others that he wouldn't notice his own brother's discomfort.
But all changed when Regulus found a loophole.
Their insults couldn't hurt if he took them as compliments, right? If he fully embraced them?
So, starting his first year at Hogwarts he welcomed the ridicule with open arms, even if there wasn't any yet. He just learned to always expect it no matter what. He smiled and called himself the weird one, he hissed and danced and had no regard for others. And... It worked.
Until it didn't.
They still didn't see him as equal. They never would. But they allowed him to be near them, even if he was just entertainment. A plaything for them to use and throw away when they stopped finding him amusing and started feeling annoyed.
His life became a big performance and he was the marionette in it, Walburga and Orion pulling his strings and controlling every bit of his motions.
He became desperate for attention. If someone gave him a single word of praise they became akin to a holy figure in his eyes, which usually scared them off and he was left all alone, again.
He would often find himself being a snitch, his parent's little spy, offering to pass on to them every unfit deed his brother would do, desperate to get their approval in return.
“I heard they're introducing Muggle Studies as a subject choice for my third year.” he offered the table on a cold evening at Grimmauld Place, his tone laced with derision.“Well, I certainly won't be taking it.”
As if ignoring her son's personal position on the matter, Walburga sighs and places the fork she was holding on the table, hard enough for it to make a 'clark' sound.
“Your father has been particularly stern with governors about that. Unfortunately, it seems he was outnumbered on this occasion.”
Sirius lifts his head in interest, his right hand twirling a curl of his pitch-black hair, “I think it's rather interesting. Learning about Muggles. Don't you think?”
Their mother eyes him sharply, “I beg your pardon?”
“What else could you expect from him, dear? He thinks he's better than all of us, befriending mudbloods. Sooner or later he'd might as well try and be one of them.”
Their father, Orion, entered the room. Regulus thinks he rather likes making a dramatic entrance at every dinner and even imagines him waiting by the door to find the right moment to gallop in.
Tonight, as every other night, Orion Black takes his place at the table without looking at either of his sons.
“Which of your friends is muggleborn?” Walburga demands, looking at Sirius. Of course, they all know he won't answer, so Regulus uses this as an opportunity to make his parents proud and ridicule his older brother.
“Remus Lupin is,” Regulus says smirking, “among other things.”
“Bugger off, you twat! ” says Sirius, his heart rate increasing ever so slightly.
Their parents share a look, then their mother accuses, “But Lupin is a Wizarding name.”
“His dad's a wizard.” Sirius deadpans.
“But his mother,” Regulus says with relish, “is a muggle.”
“Regulus, piss off!” Sirius repeats.
Orion scoffs, his eyes becoming as thin as slits. “A wizard willingly marrying a muggle? What is this world coming to?”
“Sirius, you never mentioned it before.” Walburga says sternly.
Sirius seems to be muttering something like 'wonder why' and 'no shit Merlin'.
“Of course, if you were chosen into Slytherin like your brother, you wouldn't have the opportunity to fall in with that kind of rot.” Her words are now as sharp as knives, dripping with venom.
“REMUS ISN'T ROT!” Sirius shouts, banging his hands on the table as the chair he was sitting on is pushed to the ground with his quick movement of standing up.
Walburga's nostrils flare with hatred. She covers her wand with the swift movement of her hand. Regulus is more than sure she's used the Imperius Curse on his brother, because soon enough Sirius' mouth snaps shut.
Tension ripples over the table and for a moment Regulus catches his brother's look, immediately lowering his head with guilt.
From the corner of his eye, he can see Sirius grimacing as his hand moves on its own accord, bringing the fork to his mouth.
Of all the things Sirius has been forced to do under the lmperius Curse, eating is one thing he hates most. Something about doing it on command makes him immediately sicken up. He desperately tries not to gag as he swallows his food.
Regulus knows, of course, because he has been through it. He has experienced it, just a few times less than his disobedient brother.
He also knows that his brother plans on running away. He's been planning it for years, but in Regulus' eyes such plan seems idiotic and worthless, since their mother's liberal use of Imperius Curse and other varieties of curses and hexes were making even the mere thought of escaping impossible.
Sirius' final straw was when their parents demanded to cut his long hair, leading to an outburst.
Regulus was there when that took place. Sirius yelling and pleading at them as Walburga and Orion raised their wands in rage. Next thing he knows, his brother's screams filling his head as he quickly rushes up the stairs and locks himself inside the safety of his room.
Not even Kreacher's attempts to distract him by volunteering as an opponent in a match of Exploding Snap is able to get the voices inside his head to stop yelling at him.
The next morning when he wakes up, Sirius is nowhere to be seen. His parents pretend as if he never existed, and he knows better not to ask them. Instead, he plays along.
As he grew older, he changed. And so did his methods of keeping people around.
Things started becoming a little confusing in his fifth year of Hogwarts. Now, he was begging people to stay. They could hit him, bite him, insult him, walk on him, keep him in the shadows, he didn't care. He didn't care so please stay. Please continue giving him attention.
Or so he thought. Until a Gryffindor changed his life.
“I need a favor.”
James looked up as Sirius sat down across him in the common room. He was in the middle of working on some Quidditch moves and positions for their next match against Slytherin. They only had five more practices before the match and if they lost, they would have a difficult time winning the Quidditch Cup their last year at Hogwarts. James, as captain of the team, was determined not to lose.
As loath as he was to stop what he was doing, he put his quill down and looked at his best mate. “Spill it.”
“I need you to pass something on to Reggie.” Sirius said nervously, giving James a hard stare.
James’ eyes squint in confusion and worry. “Your brother? You want me to do what now? Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.”
Sirius groaned and dropped his cheek in his hand. “You heard me just fine. I need you to tell him that ol' Slughorn is requesting him for something.”
Now and then, near the end of their lessons, professor Slughorn would turn to Sirius and request him to pass on to his brother either an invitation to his ridiculous meetings or some potion ingredients he 'borrowed' from him, as he stated to have done.
The reasons were, well, predictable. Firstly, Slughorn being Slughorn, he made sure to mention that he appeared to be too busy to encounter 'young Black' outside classes, regardless of being head of the Slytherin house.
“Busy getting wasted if you'd ask me.” Sirius lost no minute in commenting as soon as they exited the classroom.
Secondly, Sirius and Regulus were brothers in his eyes, meaning it'd be natural for them to spend lots of time together as most siblings do. But surprisingly they weren't brothers anymore and Slughorn wasn't obligated to know that.
After all, they didn't go announcing it to the whole castle, did they?
Except, in moments like this, Sirius wished they had. Despite years passing by and Sirius' one sided failed attempts to start over, things between him and Regulus were still a bit.. off. Meaning, his only solution was to send someone else as a messenger instead of going on his own.
James sighed heavily. There wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for Sirius but he wasn’t sure he was exactly the man for the job. He already had…complicated feelings where Regulus was concerned.
“But don't we like—I don't know—hate this bloke since forever?”
“I suppose.” Sirius shrugs in response, pretty much confused to himself aswell.
“Okay, just letting you know,” James shared a look with him, “him and I are on no better terms than you two are.”
Truth is, he loved teasing the younger. He didn't have a plan of attack when it came to Regulus. The younger Black was reserved, cold and stoic most of the time, so seeing the aftermath imprint on his face, brows furrowed in, and mouth open in disbelief was... surely both rare and exciting.
Most of the time though, Regulus would only raise his brows and roll his eyes at him. Maybe, if he was annoyed enough he'd click his tongue but that's it.
James loved the challenge. He enjoyed getting him riled up.
His trail of thoughts stopped as Sirius plopped himself next to him, spreading his arms and legs.“I'd ask Moony but—”
“You guys got into a brawl again?” James cuts him off in a scolding tone, unamused. This has been going on forever now, but for the past few weeks it has been happening awfully lot—James blames the hormones—and he's sick of it. So is Peter. And Lily. And Mary. And Marlene. And every other Gryffindor co-existing near them.
Sirius and Remus would always get into a lovers' quirrel for the most ridiculous reasons one could think of. It always was the same; fight, mope, make up, fight, mope, make up... It was honestly so pathetic to watch and James—being one of their close friends—had experienced it for nearly seven years. He couldn't but hope they'd both realize how deeply and painfully in love they are with eachother and shag it out. That would bring everyone out of their misery, at least.
Sirius clears his throat and fixates his gaze to James, “To be fair, Moony is the man for the job. I don't know if you've noticed, but that tosser spends an awful amount of time with his little study group in the Library.”
He scratches his chin lazily and adds, “'m pretty sure if he was in Slytherin and more, y' know, pureblood-fanatic then dear Regulus would be his number one and most cherished member of the study group.”
“I suppose..” James shrugged and brushed a wild lock of hair away from his tanned face. “What can I say, that's our Moony! And whatsoever, why not ask Lily then? She's also in Moony's study group, y'know.” he beams in his mention of Lily.
The other groans, “No, mate, that'd be weird! Besides, you and I both know how'd little Regulus react, having to talk to a muggleborn and all. He'd either fall to the ground and pretend he got infected by her impurity or hex her and call her names..”
“Right..” James mumbled under his breath. He's sure that not even Regulus —a Black like Sirius—wouldn't reach that level of dramatic.
They both fall into contemplative silence, regretting the topic they braught onto themselves, waiting for the awkwardness to pass. Time is a great healer, as they say. Instead, they're interrupted by the portrait opening as Remus comes stumbling inside, thoroughly disheveled and still a bit worn out from the last full moon. Moony was particularly peeved off, especially with Padfoot, which James secretly suspects is just built up frustration of the sexual variety, as well as the normal sort, so it usually translates into a bad moon.
Due to Sirius' and Remus' recent brawl, things must've been difficult for Moony and he must've felt a bit excluded. It's making James uncomfortable. If they'd just snog—
“Remus,” Sirius announces, suddenly sounding out of breathe as he immediately stands from the couch, because he always has the urge to stand in the mere sight of Remus. James hadn't noticed until last year that Sirius always has been doing that sort of thing, but back then he didn't know what it meant. Now he does, and it's sort of pathetic. Merlin, Sirius has been smitten for ages. “You're back early. I thought you'd be snogging Mary. Or that Hufflepuff bloke. Or out on a date with whoever you found available at the moment.”
James is fighting with all he's got not to manage out a laugh, awkwardly swaying his feet back and forth as they touch the cloth of the sofa. Suddenly feeling the need to dismiss the tension that's building between his two friends, mentally ignoring the fact that Sirius just called Remus a whore, he can't but notice someone missing.
“Where's Pete?”
Remus rolls his eyes in annoyance, probably having put up with too much of Sirius' nonsense for the day. Completely ignoring Sirius, he turns to James and asks in suspicion, his eyes narrowing to slits, “Why? What are you two plotting again?”
The other grins from ear to ear.
“I have no idea what you're talking about.”
The next day, James finds Regulus sitting on the open wall next to the courtyard, despite the storm that nearly blew Hogwarts off the previous late October night. It's a beautiful view, although kind of chilly.
Regulus is perched against the open arch, his back to it with his legs straight out in front of him, ankles crossed. He's holding a book on his lap, delicate fingers steadying it from movement, but his head is turned as he talks to another student.
James immediately recognizes the other. He's a slytherin, with a tall but scrawny build, messy hair, and eyes glistering with what seems to be madness and fury, but his bone structure is such that his face rather looks very handsome and appealing. There's a pause as his mind wonders. The boy couldn't have been other than Bartemius Crouch Jr. of course, little Black's best mate.
And to be fair, he would almost have missed the second boy's presence, blown away by the breathtaking sight in front of him, never seen Regulus as beautiful as he looks now. They're talking rather loudly. A lot of students around them turn their attention towards the pair but dismiss it once they realize who the voice belongs to.
James, who's walking with Marlene and Peter, slows to a halt and backs up a few steps, brows suddenly furrowed in concern as the Crouch boy stands up furiously and simply walks away, leaving a puzzled Regulus Black behind him.
“Hey, you lot go on, yeah? I'll catch up later,”
He doesn't wait for a response, turning and jogging over to where the other is.
“Oi, petit Black!” he says as Regulus turned and eyed James warily. “Bonjour!”
“Fous moila paix, Potter.” he spat, reaching for his wand defensively.
James looks around nervously, “Eh— this is an advanced level, I'm still a beginner.”
“I figured.” Regulus states as he jumps up and sets off, leaving a confused James rushing behind him to keep up.
“What was all that about?” he couldn't help but ask, curiosity getting the worst of him. He knows that this is a bad habit, always poking his nose in other people's business, but he assumes that's just a con in his savior complex. But then again, when did complexes have any pros?
“What was what about?” Regulus demands flatly, raising one eyebrow, appearing mean and unphased.
James figured that asking him would lead nowhere, so he decided to change his tactic. “Nevermind. So, what are you reading?”
“Nothing.”
It's James' turn to raise his eyebrow, unsurprised at the younger's remoteness and cold manner. “That doesn't look like nothing to me, baby Black.”
He throws a quick glance at the cover of the book, a glance that lasts at the most two seconds before Regulus yanks it from his sight and placing it behind him. He makes out the words 'Antigone', 'Sophocles' and something written in a language that is unknown to him. Perhaps it's from a class he didn't have any interest in taking, such as Ancient Runes. He tries repeating the words in his mind, wanting to be able to remember them later on so he could investigate.
“As if you'd know what a book is, Potter. I doubt you ever opened one all these seven years you've been blessing the school's grounds with your pathetic presence.”
“Woah there, pal. Touched a nerve? I didn't mean to pry..” he says uncertainly, getting a few more glances from the boy.
Spending no time, Regulus sets off once more, speeding up as he does in an attempt to ignore James' annoying and unpleasant presence. They're not used to small talk. Actually, they're not used to any talk at all.
“Wait!” James protests and goes after him.
Regulus stops in his tracks, turning around and facing James for what he hopes to be the last time today. “Merlin's sake. I don't plan on keeping this up all day.”
“I, erm, okay so. Sirius told me to tell you that Slughorn told him to tell you that he wanted to inform you about..” he trails off, desperately searching for the right words, “What I meant to say—”
Regulus sneers, “If this is another prank you and my weakling of a brother are pulling then I want none of it, Potter.”
“I swear it's not! Sluggy is just looking for you, that's all.”
Regulus lets out a scoff.
“Did you fall into a cauldron of Stupid Potion, Potter? Slughorn is head of my house. If he wanted to let me know of something, then he would have right away. I'm not that gullible,” He takes a minute to sigh and looks James dead in the eyes.
“Tell your best mate to find more reasonable ways to approach me and not by the use of a tosser, whose ego also happens to be twice as big as a lake.”
James stares at him blankly, like the deer in headlights. A voice in his head is telling him that he should probably be offended and hurt, though he can't help but laugh at how unusual such filthy words sound from Regulus. He's soon to shake it off though, returning back to his normal stupid self.
“As much as I appreciate the compliments, baby Black,”
Regulus irritatedly mumbles curses under his breath, cringing at the nickname.
“I was just paid one galleon and one sickle to inform you. Literally. Although, I do advise you to do as told and go to Slughorn. We don't want you getting your reputation ruined now, do we?”
“Yeah, and you're doing anything but informing me,” he accuses. “You're egging me on!”
James offers him a honest smile as he shrugs and looks down, kicking his foot. “You had it coming, bab—”
His breath hitches when he suddenly feels a painful tingling on his right forearm. “FUCK!?” he groans out in both confusion and pain, placing his left hand at the damage and rubbing circles on it as an attempt to soothe it.
“You—you jinxed me?!”
The younger shurgs, lowering his wand, “You had it coming.”
James chokes on his words. Suddenly, all of the good mood he managed to master up earlier that day dissapears at once. “You know what? At first I wouldn't come near you even with a ten-foot broomstick, being such a good friend to Sirius and all. It's my fault I gave you a chance to prove yourself right. You're just as I thought.”
Regulus freezes, the playful smirk his lips once held dropping in an instant as he presses his lips tightly, creating a line.
He has seen his mother do that whenever she was to be perceived as more strict than usual. Normally, it would achieve its purpose and make him feel small, scared and vulnerable. Everytime it almost work, and it would if Regulus hadn't spent years of dissapointing her and giving her reasons to be angry at him.
He just learned to accept it as he grew used of it.
The fact that he unconsciously reacts in a manner same to his mother's brings Regulus to his breaking point. He suddenly feels nauseous, as if the world is spinning beneath his mere feet. The feelings he was bottling up end up overflowing and spilling and he's not able to lock them all up again. Merlin, he's not even sure if he'll be able to hide them.
“You probably think I give a Doxy'a nip what people think of me.” Regulus says cutly through gritted teeth. “I don't. I'm not pathetic.”
James almost feels sorry hearing those words leave the younger's mouth. But he wouldn't give in, he shouldn't. “Well, not pathetic, but surely horrible.”
“Yeah.” Regulus agrees monotonous, not an ounce of self-pitying crossing his mind.
“Most people promised me. They told they didn't care how I was, they would stay no matter what.” Regulus announces after about five minutes of solid silence, fastening his pace—making James run to manage to catch up with him.
“I don't think that applies when you're actively the one killing them though.” James says wearily, shaking his head a little frantically and wincing when the movement reaches his wounded forearm.
Regulus purses his lips again, lingering his gaze to the older boy's arm for a second, and then looking back infront of him. “But why shouldn't it? If someone makes a promise they should keep it, even if it kills them.”
“And you really believe that? That you can always apologize for your actions but never actually make any effort to get better and still have them?” James points out.
“It sounds cruel when you say it like that.” Regulus mumbles and stares at James who is already eyeing at him.
“It's cruel either way. No one has an obligation to be your friend, especially if you're actively self-sabotaging.”
“You think I don't know that?” Regulus' voice raises so high that he becomes uncertain he'll be able to contain his anger, eyebrows furrowed. “You don't know me, Potter. Stop pretending like you do.” He hesitates before adding, “I'm not a monster!”
“I never said you're a monster, Regulus... But, anyhow, that seems contradictory to your previous statement.” James says in a rush, jogging ahead a few steps to swing back around in front of Regulus.
Regulus shrugs and looks away, “It's possible to want the best for the people I care about and also fantasize about choking them to death when it turns out that the 'best for them' is leaving me to rot. I am nuanced.”
James clicks his tongue. “Nuanced? More like frightening, and uncomfortable impulsive.”
“Whatever. I am allowed to hate them, even if they made the right choice.” Regulus grumbles.
“Are you?”
Regulus slows to a complete stop, lips tipping down. “You can't control emotions.”
“You can control your reactions to them.”
“Is this really how Sirius made you feel?” James wonders outloud, his eyebrows furrow and create smalls lines on his forehead.
Regulus let's out a whine of disbelief. Is this really happening?
“Stop. Just stop. Everything is so easy for people like you.” he hisses, emphasizing the last word that leaves his mouth, making sure it's sharp enough to make the other retreat.
It is. James looks dumbfounded. “What?”
Regulus scoffs, shaking his head before he turns and sets off yet again. “It's so easy for you to judge from your pillar above me. From your holy position of victimhood.”
“And is being a monster with no motivation to be anything else better?” James breaks out in a grin immediately, jumping in front of Regulus, who comes to an abrupt halt again soon enough not to bump into the other.
Regulus watches him laugh, seemingly bored of the sight, then looks away, “Ha! Of course not.” He scrunches up his face, deep in thought, and James peers at him patiently, “But it's raw. And honest.”
“I think false niceness is better. I would rather have a bowl full of empty calories in the form of actual frogs covered in chocolate over chocolate frogs from Honeydukes.”
Regulus raises his eyebrows. “Of course you would. Now step away, would you.”
But James doesn't move an inch. Instead, he stretches both his arms in an attempt to block Regulus' way. “You scare me, sometimes. Not because you are actually trying to be scary—Merlin, no—but because you are both egotistical and terribly insecure, and it makes me worry.”
Regulus raises both eyebrows at him this time. He has very expressive eyebrows, and James is learning.
“Cheers. You should be worried, never be off guard around me, the monster with no motivation. Merlin and Morgana both, Potter, this is the last time I tell you to get off my way.”
“I meant worried about you.”
Oh.
“You are falsely edgy you could make a preteen writing shitty that'd end up on the last page of the Daily Profit's nonsense.” he says awkwardly, finally lowering his arms and stepping aside for Regulus to pass.
“I—huh?” Regulus stares at him, mouth hanging open in vague dismay for the very first time. It takes him a moment, but then he shakes his head, face smoothing out.
He turns around and walks away, completely ignoring as James rushes to keep up with him. As soon as James opens his mouth to talk, Regulus cuts in to interrupt with a firm, “That's idiotic.”
Regulus wants to bang his head against a wall. He wants to take James by the shoulders and strangle him to death to finally make him shove off. He wants to knock their heads together and snog him so hard, regardless of the students walking around them. Snog him and then they can pretend it never even happened the next day. They bicker and flirt and it's driving him mental. And he's sure James isn't even aware of what he's doing. It's so unfair, leading him on like that.
“Okay, now you're just not letting me speak, and how's that idiotic?” James whines at the top of his canopy which gets him a few glares from Regulus. “I'm trying to tell you that—if that makes you feel any better—I'd not leave you. We can be....”
He bites his bottom lip, searching for the right word “..accuintances. Accuintances aren't that special so they can't leave. You can talk to me, Regulus, and nobody would have to know. Not even Sirius.”
Regulus closes his eyes and shakes his head again at the mention of his brother. Of course he wouldn't be special to James. How foolish of him to even consider about it from the beginning.
Looking pained, he opens his eyes and sighs, inwardly bemoaning the fact that James misinterpreted that so badly. Of course Sirius would haunt him everywhere. Of course it wasn't a good idea to rant about his feelings and insecurities to someone who was inseparable with the main cause of his problems.
Regulus let's out a heavy breath he didn't know he was holding. He is tired. “Go to class, Potter. You'll be late.”
“Late? Why would I—” James begins, only to cut himself off when Regulus turns his back on him and sits down at a desk. He looks around in surprise to see that he had followed Regulus into a classroom, which has multiple other fifth-year Slytherin and Ravenclaw students settling in.
“Mr. Potter.” says the familiar sharp voice, making him jump in surprise and immediately lean casually against the desk, playing it as cool as it possibly can be, flashing a broad grin. “Last time I checked, Mr. Potter, you were not a fifth-year Slytherin or Ravenclaw. So enlighten me please, what brings you to my classroom at this moment?”
“I—uhm, thought that it'd be best for me—as my last year y'know—to uhm, repeat specific lessons in case I forget—which I reassure you it won't happen because all of your lessons, Professor, were so meaningful for me and—”
“James.” McGonagall says, her mouth leaving an exaggerated sigh as she brings he fingers to brace her temple.
“Yes, Professor?”
“Get out.”
“Yes, Professor.” James mumbles, shuffling away. He turns his gaze back to Regulus one last time “Please consider my proposal.”
Regulus shuts down for a second, trying to keep a composed and calculated manner, then looks up at the other boy and whispers quietly— yet loud enough for James to listen.
“I'll think about it.”
Seeing as his lips seem to hold something close to a smile, James leaves whilst grinning to himself.