need to talk
Yesterday afternoon, post exams...
I trudged down the snowy pathways, pulling my red and gold scarf a little tighter around my neck. Fuck, it was freezing outside. But Madison wanted to meet by the tree, and I wanted to snog Madison so...yeah. We all make sacrifices right? Exams were over for the day, thank god we only had one left. Today had been DADA, dueling of course. Junie had been my partner, and she'd disarmed me in five seconds flat. She'd always been an ace at DADA though, takes after Uncle Harry in that fashion.
I loved watching Junie duel, it was a fantastic sight, even better when you were on the receiving end of it. My hair had almost turned blue, for some reason it always did around her. Sirius told me I was born that way, with blue hair. As soon as I learned how to control my power I put a stop to that. My Metamorphagus abilities were just another thing that made me different, and while I may make it look cool, I'd give anything to be normal.
All my life, all I've ever wanted was to fit in. I was already the kid with the dead parents, add Metamorphagi to the mix and it's just not fair. I used to morph my features all the time, before I realized it was a gateway to a truckload of teasing from my peers. Never James, Charlie, or Leo though, never Juniper either. My wandered back to Juniper. She had wanted to go over the prank one more time tonight withe everyone, but I told her I had plans with Maddie. Looking back on it now, I felt a bit bad. Sometimes it seemed like Juniper didn't like Maddie all that much, which was odd because everybody liked Maddie, so I figured I must be wrong.
I yawned, waiting for Maddie, who hadn't arrived yet. I wasn't sleeping well, hadn't been for a couple of weeks. I knew why, but I couldn't admit that to myself just yet. I'd have to sooner or later though, judging by the calendar, sooner.
"Hey, Teddy!!" Madison's voice reached my ears, as she rose to kiss me. I grabbed her hips and pulled her in tighter. We hadn't had a proper snog in a while. She was always trying to talk with me. I knew what she wanted. I just couldn't give it to her. I felt badly about it, but she should know by now, and yet she still got cross when I chatted up other girls.
We broke apart and she peers at my face with concern. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Another thing about Maddie was that she was ridiculously intuitive, she'd known something was up instantly, and would not stop prying about it.
"Look at these dark circles," she tutted. "Are you getting enough rest Teddy?"
I wrench away from her, avoiding eye contact, "I'm fine." I snapped curtly, and then regret it. She didn't deserve that, however much she was irritating me at the present moment, I knew she meant well.
"You can talk to me you know, I wish you would talk to me Teddy..." She has said this many, many times since we started hanging out. I don't know what it is about girls and talking about things, why can't she understand to leave well enough alone.
"I didn't come here to talk," I replied, stone faced, when I shut down, I shut down hard. "Don't you get it? I don't want to talk to you Maddie."
She recoiled, "Fine, then," she grabbed her book bag. "I'll see you later, Teddy. Maybe when you're in a better mood." Her voice was tight as she walked back up the hill.
Ouch. Maybe I was a little too harsh. I said the stupidest shit sometimes. Besides, none of this was her fault. I was just angry, angry at the world. No one could fix it, and it made me angrier when people tried. To be honest, Maddie was probably the best girl I've ever been involved with, in fact if I were the type of person to date, she'd be an obvious choice. Part of me wanted to talk to her, to give in, but there was always something holding me back. Something Maddie didn't have, she wasn't...I don't know. It was something I couldn't put into words. It didn't matter, I'd never get close with girl in that way anyways. I'd promised myself that a long time ago. The closer I was with someone, the more danger they were in.
My stomach grumbled, I was hungrier and hungrier these days, especially for meat. Even the smell of blood made my insides roar like the monster I was. I had felt the stirrings of the lycanthropy for a while now. It started at the end of the summer, and I prayed it would go away. It hadn't. Thankfully, I haven't turned...yet. The next full moon was tomorrow, and I had a bad feeling about it.
The Healers said they wouldn't know the full extent of my lycanthropy until I was older. It was rare to be both a Metamorphagus and a werewolf, a second-generation werewolf at that. Since I wasn't directly bitten, and had been a Metamorphagus since birth, everyone told me I might never become a werewolf, or it would progress as I aged. Guess which one happened? Lucky me. The best part of all this was that the potion to stop the transition each full moon wouldn't work on me because I was a Metamorphagus. The Healers said it could cause an "unknown reaction". So basically, I won the fucking genetic lottery.
I hadn't told anyone beside McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey, and hopefully that's the way it would stay. My symptoms were getting worse, the beast lurking inside me was ready to come out. I needed to make sure I didn't hurt anyone in the process.
-the next day, 4 pm, post History of Magic exam....
Juniper woke me up, and I realized I'd fallen asleep during the exam. I turned in my exam, it had been easy and mind-numbingly dull. Then again, that was the class's trademark.
James slung an arm around each of our necks, celebrating rather boisterously about the end of exams. I mustered a smile. It was hard to be upbeat at the moment. I knew what was coming, I hadn't slept at all last night. Every time I closed my eyes I saw that..thing, teeth gnashing and eyes beady.
I felt a wave of nausea roll through me as James attempted to flirt with Rory. The winter sun was already setting, which meant the moon was steadily on the rise.
Fuck.
Another throb in my head.
I had to get to Madam Pomfrey, and fast. She warned me I could start to change as soon as that moon began to appear. Before anybody could see me go, I bolted to the infirmary, where Pomfrey was waiting for me.
"Good," she ushered me in, "you're right on time. Are you feeling any symptoms?"
"Yeah," I nodded, gulping, "a bit."
"Okay, sweetie," she took me by the arm comfortingly and guided me down to the Whomping Willow. "The important thing to remember is that you're going to be fine. Just take deep breaths and do your best to stay calm."
We traveled down narrow passageway. It was dank, and I could tell it hadn't been used in some time as I cleared cobwebs from my eye line.
Madam Pomfrey smiled kindly, "I remember the first time I took your father down here all those years ago."
I felt that familiar pinch in my heart when she mentioned my father. I wished I remembered something, anything about him. But I didn't.
Madam Pomfrey was still talking, "Remus was such a wee thing back then, looked as if the wind might blow him away. He was feisty though, had his fair share of fist fights. He was so strong, lycanthropy...well it did number on him. Luckily for you dear, you probably won't have it quite as bad as he did, maybe a few cuts and scrapes but you won't need medical care after like he did. It will...hurt quite a bit this first time around though, I'm not going to lie to you." Madam Pomfrey winced, recognizing the pale expression Remus had worn like it was yesterday.
"Here we are, dear." Madam Pomfrey swept an arm around the Shrieking Shack, and then made her way back down the tunnel, sealing the door behind her.
I looked at the windowless room before me. I could see massive tears in the wallpaper, deep scratches in the creaky wooden floor, and dried blood caked in some of the corners. I shuddered, not wanting to picture what my father might have done in this room, what I would do in this room.
A surge of pain rocked my entire body, forcing me to keel over to the floor. It must be nearly night fall. The wolf was clawing inside of me, it wanted out. My gut felt like it was being split open as a subsequent stab of the dangerous power hit me. Again and again it plunged into me, like a hot poker covered in spikes.
Unconsciously, I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms so fiercely that I broke the skin. My eyes clouded over, I could feel my limbs beginning to stretch. Fuck. Fuck. I couldn't think clearly anymore the pain was so bad. There were tears in my eyes, it felt like someone was setting me on fire.
I started to lose focus of the room, my hands turned to claws, scrabbling desperately at the hardwood, as I'm sure my father had done many moons before. My clothes ripped, as my body continued to expand. A howl ripped from my throat, so raw and guttural, I didn't recognize my own voice.
And just like that, I was gone.
I awoke on the cool floor, head pounding like someone had dropped an anvil over it. My cheek was pressed up against the wood and my whole body ached. I was drenched in a cold sweat, and completely naked. Good thing Madam Pomfrey left an extra set of clothes for me in the tunnel.
I groaned, pulling myself up to standing and wobbling a bit. Every inch of me was sore. I felt my face, checking for injuries. I had a nasty cut bleeding from my forehead, but it looked superficial, a lot of scratches, what felt like a bruise blossoming under my right eye, and an array of other wounds on the rest of me.
The snippets of my transformation came back to me and I whimpered at the memories, shaking my head violently. I don't want to relive any of that. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced, I wasn't...human. All I wanted was to kill and bite, and- it was horrible. Tears stung my eyes again while I put on my new clothes, and I angrily brushed them away. I will not be weak. I stumbled on a root as I headed back to the surface, and I face-planted in the dirt. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to- talk to someone. I stayed on the floor like that for a while, completely overwhelmed. It's too much, it's all too much. I thought I could handle it, I thought I could- but I can't do this on my own. No one could do this on their own. I suddenly missed my father so powerfully it winded me, he would understand. I had never felt so alone in my whole life.
I emerged from the Whomping Willow and was surprised to find that the night was not over. The moon was still out. I guess this was one of those perks, if you could call them perks, of not experiencing full lycanthropy.
One thing was for certain, I need to talk to someone about this. I wouldn't survive it if I didn't. Maddie's words from this afternoon come echoing back to me, "You know you can talk to me Teddy..."
I slowly journeyed up the hill, wincing in pain every few steps, but finally, I got to my detsination.
I took a deep breath, this was good. I needed to talk to someone. I had to. I held my fist up and knocked on the door quietly. The door opened.
"Teddy?"
"Hi," I said breathlessly. "I need to talk to you."