ENDLESS
She cracked her eyes open ever so slightly.
She didn’t know where she was and for a moment she feared Greyback had taken her. She was in an unfamiliar bedroom, covered in multiple blankets. Her clothes felt clean but they were the same ones she was wearing before.
The walls were a warm cream color and the window to the right showed views of a cliff edge and grey sky, the two separated by a thin line as if they were on the edge of the world. A few more feet and she’d fall into endless nothingness. It was an inviting thought.
There was a dark granite hearth in the wall across from her that was roaring with a fire that smoldered in the room. The mantle above it was empty. The left wall was lined with a bookshelf with intermittent figurines and knick knacks separating the tomes neatly lined up there.
She eyed the window, figuring she must be on the second story and thought she could make the jump.
As she planned, she heard footsteps outside the door and instantly shut her eyes, retreating under the blankets once more. She prayed he would at least wait until she woke up but she doubted he would be so courteous.
“She’s still sleeping,” a light female voice whispered. It was a lovely sound, warmer than any of the blankets that smothered her and Vera wished to be enveloped in it she thought distantly.
“I have to change her bandages,” another male voice said.
“If you must,” the female said, seeming hesitant to agree.
She froze as the blankets above her rustled and she was met with the eyes of Evan Rosier. Though she didn’t know whether she should be thankful or not yet.
He looked just as he did at Hogwarts. Bright blond hair with blue eyes. He had a boyish face that made him look younger than he really was and he had the faintest smile lines around his mouth hinting at mischief.
“You’re up,” he said lightly, moving aside the mountain of blankets.
Vera grasped the last one and refused to allow him to move it aside.
“I have to change your bandages” he said kindly and as he reached for her neck,
“No!” she called out, voice hoarse with disuse and her throat as dry as sandpaper.
He immediately retreated and the door closed behind him as he left her alone once more. There were murmurs in the hall before the door opened again.
A distant voice said, “Vera.”
It was the female again and she lowered the blanket enough to peek at the woman.
Pandora Lovegood née Lestrange was standing at the door, her hands clasped in front of her. Her long blonde hair flowed down her sides in rivulets and her pale pink robes matched her rosy cheeks beautifully. She had a soft smile on her face and her eyes were bright blue- the color of the sky on a sunny day.
“Can I come closer?” she asked softly.
She hesitantly nodded and Pandora reached the edge of the bed, lightly sitting on the corner. She pulled her wand out of her pocket and transfigured a discarded blanket into a patterned mug with a fuzzy handle and she filled it with tea.
She handed it to her and Vera accepted it, letting the minty steam soothe her.
She slowly took a sip then asked, “Where am I?” in a shaky voice.
“Regulus’ home.”
“This isn’t Grimmauld,” she argued.
“He has another home. We’re in Scotland, a few hours south from Hogwarts.”
He had another home? This was certainly new information to her, she assumed Grimmauld would be his permanent residence with his mother.
“Why?”
She didn’t know whether she was asking why she was here or why he had another home but Pandora seemed to answer the first question.
“You were bleeding quite a bit and he told us about the incident. He couldn’t leave you there and this was the safest place he could think of. Thankfully, we were already here when he arrived, Evan is really good at healing magic.”
She wasn’t even frightened of Evan, not really. She just didn’t want to be touched at all. Pandora was a comforting presence but it was still far too soon. She remembered the feeling of the man, no- the wolf, above her and she wanted to cry.
She thought about the same wolf hovering above a young Remus at the age of 4, growling as he mauled him under the white light of a full moon and she cried in earnest then. Remus’ life was ruined by that wolf and Vera was almost violated by the same one.
She cried and Pandora lightly took the mug away and placed a tentative hand on hers that rested on the blanket.
“I’m sorry” she cried, feeling like she had to apologize for breaking down in front of a stranger, for imposing on Regulus’ house, for changing their plans for the day- for taking up too much time and space.
“You have nothing to apologize for” she soothed, lightly squeezing Vera’s hand.
Eventually she laid back on the bed as tears still silently rolled down her cheek to her neck until they melted away into nothing. Pandora sat with her the entire time without asking a single question or passing a comment.
She cried herself to sleep and when she opened her eyes again, she was alone in the room. The sky outside the window was black and Vera turned away, not wanting to see any likeness to the earlier events of the day.
She got up then and shut the emerald green curtains over the window.
She slowly opened the door to the room and stepped out. She walked down a short corridor, passing down a few doors, before making her way down a set of stairs.
There was faint light emanating from the center of the house and the three individuals were all sitting in the living room. Pandora was scribbling in a journal, her quill moving rapidly across the parchment, Regulus was reading a book, and Evan was fiddling around in a bag.
They all looked up at her arrival.
Pandora smiled, Regulus’ eyes seemed to analyze her, and Evan just looked back into the bag, searching for something.
She broke the silence, feeling uncomfortable.
“I wanted to apologize,” she looked at each of them to convey her sincerity, “for imposing and to you Rosier, Pandora mentioned you helped heal me and you just wanted to change the dressing. I know I freaked out I just couldn’t…” she trailed off, fluttering her hands, but Evan picked up right where she left off.
“No worries at all, I understand,” he said, smiling as he held up more white cloth. “I’m game if you are?”
She nodded and he led her to a bathroom in a room just off the main room.
She sat down on the edge of the bathtub and Rosier sat on the lid of the toilet so they were eye level. As he began straightening out the cloth, she saw his dark mark peeing out from the sleeve of his shirt and he discreetly adjusted it so it was hidden. That was a new development then.
She thought about how she learned that information from the group of men at the bar and wanted to shut down again but Rosier interrupted her train of thought.
“I’m sorry to do this, I just wanted to minimize the risk of an infection. They’ll likely scar though, sorry.”
“I’m really collecting them now aren’t I” she said humorlessly.
“Part of the job I’m afraid, ” he shrugged.
“Where did you learn healing magic?” she wondered aloud.
He didn’t respond for a long moment, seemingly refocused on replacing the dressings but his face became tight.
“My mum. She used it quite a lot so I learned by watching her.”
“Is she a mediwitch too?”
“No.”
She didn’t ask any further questions and he didn’t offer any answers.
They finished in silence, dressings covering her front, and he just clapped his hands, “All done” and extended a hand out to her to help her up.
“Thank you, truly,” she said.
“Anything for my favorite patient” he tentatively joked, seemingly wanting to wait for her reaction.
“I bet you say that to all of them” she laughed and his smile grew.
“But I don’t give them all” he reached in his pocket, “this!” he flourished.
He pulled a lollipop out of his pocket and Vera laughed about the absurdity of the moment.
“How’d you know this was my favorite flavor?” she said shocked at the light blue candy floss flavored-lollipop in front of her.
“Because it’s mine too” he winked and they joined the others.
Evan and Pandora took their leave and soon it was just her and Regulus in the living room.
“I’m sorry” she apologized again for her intrusion.
“You apologize a lot for things that you don’t have to answer to” he noted.
“I ruined your evening.”
“You didn’t” he says with a tone of finality. “What were you doing in that forest?”
“I went flying. I meant to land for only a second, I didn’t know.”
“You went out flying? There’s a war going on in case you haven’t noticed” he says.
“I know okay. Gods, I just wanted to do one thing for myself and even that was…ruined” she was so annoyed. Above all, she felt defeated. Today was just a reminder that she couldn’t afford the luxury of taking the day for herself. She couldn’t ignore her responsibilities and the world and war continued whether or not she wanted. She needed to be all in, all the time.
“I’m sorry” he said and even Vera was shocked that she met his eyes when she had previously been looking around the room. “I know what that’s like,” a rare vulnerability shone through his eyes and in his tone.
He reached a tentative hand up to the dressing on her neck, rubbing the cloth.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner” he said and everything about him was soft, so at odds with the harsh facade he showed others.
“Thank you for coming when you did” she said, putting her hand over his briefly.
He looked like he was going to say something when he looked in her eyes but he didn’t, just retracting his hand slowly.
“Why do you have this house?”
“Why do you follow the dark Lord?” he asked. She realized he must’ve been holding that one in for a while.
Both of them were silent for some time.
She knew he must have found it bizarre, her showing up out of nowhere eager to join Voldemort and learn about dark magic- forgoing her family and friends. Forgoing his brother who had become hers over time who fought vehemently against Voldemort and the Blacks.
Did he think about Sirius? Worry that there was a traitor amongst them?
“I believe in him,” she answered evenly.
“It’s a family property,” he replied belatedly.
She had a suspicion that they were both lying.
________
She didn’t go immediately home but rather, went to Snape’s.
She knocked on the door once, twice,...thrice until he opened it with a groan.
“What are you doing here at this hour” he drawled.
“What time is it?” she asked, genuinely wondering if it was even the same day.
Snape just opened the door further, letting her in.
She took off her cloak and Snape’s eyes immediately went to the bandages around her neck and clavicle.
“What happened?” he asked, drawing near.
“Greyback happened,” she answered sullenly, going to sit by the chair closest to the fire, willing to warm her weary soul.
“Explain.”
She didn’t wish to relive it but needed to explain before asking for his help. By the time she finished his eyes had narrowed, his lip set in a line, and his jaw was clenched.
He didn’t seem to have any response. Just shock.
She plowed onward, not wanting pity or empty words.
“I came because I need your help with Occlumency. I tried doing it but it doesn’t work, I can’t keep it. I did it fine but right when I met with Voldemort, I crumbled, same as today. I want to be able to push through like with the muggle or not freeze up when attacked like today. Tell me how you did it. Please. ”
He exhaled heavily through his nose and side eyed her for a moment. She held his eye contact.
“The problem is, you’re stressed. Your mind is so focused on managing everything that it can’t even focus on your emotions without dropping the rest. Like I told you before, organize your mind. Put everything in a box with a latch to open at will- do not allow it to open on its own. Atop those, you may stack emotions associated with those tasks. It’s hard to visualize boxing away emotions but it’s a natural progression from compartmentalizing your experiences and tasks. It all boils down to- Out of sight, out of mind.”
She thinks this is the most Snape had ever said to her at once.
“It is the only way you’ll ever succeed at Voldemort’s side.”
“How old were you when you started?” she asked, looking into Snape’s large dark eyes.
“I was still in Hogwarts then. Being around so many others with the same ideals allowed me to grow independently with my magic. You are at a delay.”
Yes, she was aware. “It’s elementary magic” as Regulus had said.
“I do not wish to have you drag you away from the manor again. Work on it and it will pay off” Snape said.
Vera just laughed, blushing slightly at the memory, also not wanting to have Snape heave her up off the ground. She suddenly felt very grateful for Snape despite all the history they have.
She did not forgive Snape for his actions back in Hogwarts- the bullying, taunts, insults he threw at her and the others. She would never forget. At the same time though, he was the only person who was somewhat guiding her through this. He offered her the information she desperately looked for and advice along the way.
Dumbledore has been utterly useless. He was completely apathetic when she recounted what she had gone through and only showed signs of interest when she mentioned Voldemort. The meetings always ended with him ‘thanking her for her service’ and asking for more.
It made her realize how useless her feelings were.
“Thank you Severus.”
He seemed shocked at the use of his given name, as if it’s been a while since even he had heard it.
“You’re welcome Vera.”
She smiled then, despite it all. It was small and weighed on her but she managed it, hoping she would still be able to after this all passed.
__________
She got back home late for her, early for everyone else, and the house was silent.
She wished someone was awake, for someone to talk to but who would she have. Sirius and Remus were back at the apartment for the foreseeable future, Pete was at home, and James was asleep with Lily.
She trudged upstairs quietly and laid in bed and found Leo laying in her spot.
She pushed the pile of orange fur over and climbed into bed, savoring his soft fur under her hand. It helped ground her after the mess of today. She had no tears left to cry and refused to allow any more to fall.
___________
Too soon after, she found herself at Madam Malkin’s desperately searching for a suitable pair of robes.
Nothing the kind woman offered seemed suitable, all too frilly or childish. She didn’t want florals and did not care about how the pleats would accentuate her figure. If she wanted to be taken seriously, she needed to avoid all the accessories and go for something more classic.
The front door chimed and Madam Malkin quickly but politely excused herself to go check. She didn’t blame the woman, Vera knew she was being horrible and dismissive but the clock was ticking and her blood pressure rising along with it.
She dropped into the armchair, staring at the rack of robes in front of her and wondered if she should buy something ugly for the sake of it.
“Vera Potter” she heard from behind her and Vera slowly turned in her seat.
She was greeted with the sight of Narcissa Malfoy (née Black). She was as pretty as she remembered if a bit pinched in the face. It reminded her of her husband Lucius and she assumed that was his fault. She had been beautiful back at Hogwarts, looking very similar to Sirius with the striking aristocratic features.
She stood up quickly and plastered a smile on her face, “Narcissa, what a surprise.”
“I was just coming by to pick up my robes for tonight, surely you are coming?” she asked, eyeing the robes.
“Yes, of course, I just came by to do some…shopping” Vera grimaced knowing it wasn’t in good taste to buy robes for an event on the same day.
“Would you like a second pair of eyes?” Narcissa offered, seemingly seeing through Vera’s facade.
“If you’re not busy” she said hoping her obvious joy at the suggestion wasn’t too obvious.
She hadn’t seen or spoken to Narcissa in years, only ever in passing when she spoke to Sirius and Vera had been dragged into the conversation by James. She supposed Bellatrix had filled her in on the current state of affairs.
Narcissa swept away into the main area, looking for a but before returning with a royal blue pair of robes. It had a deep neckline and a draping cape that began at the shoulders that flowed down the back. It was a beautiful outfit but Vera couldn’t bring herself to wear it.
Narcissa proffered the dress but Vera only managed, “I can’t.”
“Why?” Narcissa frowned as she scanned the dress again, not seeing the issue.
“I just prefer something a bit more covered.”
She didn’t want her scars on display. Thankfully, she didn’t question her any further, only nodded before resuming her search.
After some more waiting, Narcissa returned with an emerald colored set of robes and pushed Vera into a dressing room before she could comment. It was beautiful with a high neckline and long thin sleeves that ended in points on the tops of her hands, the material was flowy but still accentuated her figure. There was some embroidery along the edges that was the same color as the fabric so it blended quite nicely and would only be seen by those who were searching for it.
She had never tried on robes quite so nice before and she stepped out.
Narcissa smiled, “You look lovely.”
“Thank you” Vera smiled and genuinely meant it.
With a crisp nod and promise to see her later that evening, Narcissa walked to the front, retrieved her robes and popped away- presumably back home to tie up any remaining details.
Just as swiftly, Vera bought the robes and apparated home to prepare but she had the feeling that nothing she did would prepare her for the night that lay ahead.