Each and Every Hope
The weekend ahead of her filled Bellatrix with an overwhelming sense of anticipation, only occasionally interrupted by dread. The former was driving her near mad with its nerve-wracking buzz; the latter was, she believed, wholly unnecessary.
She ended up in her personal little venting space that Thursday until she was shaking with exhaustion and dripping sweat. At that point she was so close to passing out that the room was spinning in a fascinating tilting pattern, so she sat down more out of desperation than conscious choice.
It worked, kind of- after a few moments, her head stopped spinning. But her skin was still itching, and she supposed she probably had to accept that that wouldn’t be going away until tomorrow.
(She really did think about seeking out Green, but abstained for two reasons: the first, the less important one, was that she simply did not know where to go about finding the other girl, and if she did manage to find her, she would probably be with her Gryffindor friends and she didn’t think she had the patience to deal with Katherine Connors right now.
The second was that they just weren’t there yet. Yes, she had begun pursuing Green in the first place because she’d hoped she would provide some temporary reprieve to the hellscape that her mind could occasionally become, but she didn’t think they were close enough for her to be that vulnerable with her. What if that ruined everything? She couldn’t exactly risk that now. No, for now, her usual solution would do just fine).
Ah, well. She felt better than she had before, so that was what counted, right?
Right.
Either way, practicing her ‘dueling’ (she was loathe to categorize throwing spells with reckless abandon at a bunch of dusty old desks as dueling, but if she was practicing anything by doing that surely it must be dueling) had put the tiny part of her mind that held her nerves at ease.
Tomorrow night, she would be attending a raid on a small Muggle town that had once been a primarily Wizarding development, but had recently been taken over. She would be able to show off her prowess to the Dark Lord, and let off whatever excess steam she had by that point.
The only thing that worried her was actually getting injured if the Auror’s showed up, because she had a Quidditch match the next Saturday morning. Not only would it be incredibly suspicious for her to show up to Hogwarts the morning after a raid with a noticeable injury, but she also didn’t have many Quidditch matches left. Of course, the Dark Lord and his cause were more important than Quidditch, but if she could help it, she would like to be able to play.
And then, later that day (provided that the match did not take hours upon hours, which, considering they were versing Hufflepuff, was unlikely), she and Green were- well, that was part of the issue, wasn’t it? She wasn’t entirely sure what they were doing.
In a less literal sense, obviously. She was fully aware of what they were actually, physically doing- she had convinced Green to let her teach her how to fly if they won the match which, once again, was a given, since it was only Hufflepuff. But the way that the girl had phrased it….
It wasn’t very like her to be unsure of whether she was going out on a date or not, because she rarely ever hung out with anyone without the intention of hooking up with them at the end of it. But Emma Green was proving herself to be the exception to most of her rules.
“Calm down, bella. It’s just a match. You’re going to win,” Cissy snapped after she’d accidentally stabbed her plate with a horrific screech for the fifth time that dinner. “It’s Hufflepuff.”
“I know, I know,” she said irritably. “I’m not worried about that.”
That, she realized a moment too late, had given far too much away, and Cissy pounced on the opportunity like a merciless lioness with her prey. “What are you worried about, then? You’re not going home again, are you?”
“None of your business, Cissy,” she sighed.
“You don’t need to bother hiding it from me,” her little sister pouted. “I already know what you’re doing there. What’s the harm in just telling me what you’re so nervous about?”
“I’m not nervous about going- oh, forget it. Just leave it.”
“But-”
“Cissy,” she growled. This, astonishingly, actually got a reaction out of her- she seemed to almost fold in on herself for just a moment before her face smoothed out, but Bellatrix had caught it.
Ugh, she was going to have to apologize, wasn’t she?
Ah, well- she could do that this weekend, or next week, or- sometime when she felt better. Cissy would be fine for now, she was sure.
If Thursday had been tense, Friday was near unbearable- she was on edge the entire day, and being on edge generally meant that she got significantly more trigger happy than usual. By the time she got to dinner, she had hexed about 11 different people, seven of which had been Hufflepuffs audacious enough to confront her about the upcoming match. On any other day she might have admired their willingness to break stereotypes and be confrontational, but she simply wasn’t in the mood for Quidditch rivalries at the moment.
She sat with Rodolphus at dinner, because Cissy had been choosing to sit with Lucius the entire day, and so she spent most of the time staring idly at Emma Green. This was a patently ridiculous habit, because it wasn’t like she actually liked her, but she did it nonetheless.
At exactly nine P.M. that night, she stepped through the fireplace in Slughorn’s office and into Black Manor, where only the Dark Lord was waiting.
“Ah, Bella. Right on time. If only I could say the same for everyone else,” he said wryly, greeting her with a thin smile and a nod. “You would think, with your father living here….”
“Father’s superiority complex is going to get him killed someday. At least, I can only hope,” she said back in the same tone. “I expect he hopes to regain some feeling of dominance in his own household by being late. Foolish.”
“Foolish, indeed. And are you so quick to throw your own father under the bus, Bella?”
“Well, of course if it’s you I’m betraying him to,” she shrugged. “Honestly, though, I don’t hold any love for my father. I’m sure you’ve noticed he feels the same way.”
He nodded. “I respect a person whose loyalty is hard won. I hope that I have managed to earn it, at this point.”
“Of course.” Why wouldn’t he have? He treated her well- far better than any adult ever had- and he gave her every opportunity to prove herself as capable and competent. He was understanding, charming, nice.
She, as most people did, preferred to give her loyalty to people who were nice to her.
“I’m glad to hear it.”
They did not talk further, as the others began to arrive, forming a circle around them which she backed away into after a moment. But she didn’t even find herself minding the interruption terribly- it gave time for a fantasy to enter her mind. Years down the line- perhaps not too many years, if her current progress was any indication- she would surpass the rest of these men. She would be at his side as his right hand- she would be his most trusted servant. His most loyal.
(They would rule the world together, and no one would ever be allowed to lay a hand on her again- she would be untouchable at his side in their new world. A world free of mudbloods and Muggles, a world where the best fate in store for her father was to find a hole to wither away and die in, a world where Andy would never dare leave them for some mudblood-)
But the meeting was starting, so she snapped herself out of it for now. But it stayed nestled in the back of her mind, ready to come back out at just a thought, for the rest of the night.
—-----------------------------
“I suppose congratulations are in order.”
Green was smiling at her, and Bellatrix was hit with a rush of warmth and a strange tingly feeling that stretched through her entire being. “Yes, I suppose they are. But did you ever doubt me?”
“Oh, I don’t know. That Keeper seemed pretty determined. I think he thought he could beat you.”
She scoffed. As if. “He flatters himself. He was never even a player.” Seriously- she had treated the Hufflepuff Keeper more as a physical obstacle that she could easily dodge around rather than a competent player on a broom, mostly because he wasn’t competent, in any sense of the word. “But I do believe you owe me a lesson?”
“You know, it seems messed up that you won the game and are now having to do something for me,” Green huffed nervously. “I mean, don’t you think-”
“Oh, no, you’re not getting out of this now. But I’ll let you choose the broom- if you’ve never been in the air before, you shouldn’t be using one of the crappy school ones. Unless….”
“I’ve always preferred to keep my feet on solid ground,” Green said, which wasn’t exactly an answer. “And, really? Don’t these belong to other people?”
“Eh, we all use each other’s brooms all the time. Here, have Rob’s- he won’t hear a word against it, but it’s sort of a beginner broom. Perfect for you.” She grabbed her captain’s broom out of his locker and tossed it to Green, who only just barely caught it. “Wow. I actually might believe you if you said you’d never touched a broomstick before.”
“Oh, hush, you. So I just mount it like this?” Green swung her leg over the broom, straddling it in entirely the wrong way but in a way that still made Bellatrix’s face get unreasonably warm.
“No. You’re holding it wrong- grip it more like this.” Feeling especially emboldened, she moved behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist, taking her hands in hers and adjusting them on the broom. Green’s face turned a brilliant shade of pink.
It took her a few minutes to convince Green to actually get up into the air, and once she did, they only hovered a few feet above the ground. It should have been the most bored she’d ever been on a broom; she found she was actually quite enjoying herself anyway.
Over the next hour, the most she could get her to do was do a lap around the field, with Bellatrix twirling around her the entire time, getting to show off a whole repertoire of tricks that she never got to do during matches because they were ‘unnecessary’ and ‘too flashy’. Green seemed impressed, so suck that, Rob.
As the sun started to set, though, Green’s lips started turning blue, so she decided it was about time to call it quits. She could have used a warming charm, but otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to….
“Here. Can I warm those up for you?”
“Hm? Oh. Sure.” Green held her hands out, which was more anticipatory than she’d expected from her- she had, at least, gotten her general drift. But Bellatrix pushed her hands down and leaned in instead for a kiss.
They both melted into it at the same time, as if the movement had been planned, and she felt Green shiver when she put her hands on her waist. Later, she would think back and be vaguely embarrassed that she had to push herself up on her tiptoes (she had forsaken her usual heeled boots for something a little more suited for Quidditch), but it didn’t even occur to her in the moment.
She just sunk further into the kiss, the feeling eclipsing all else until all her world was darkness except for the girl holding her.
(She would, much later, lying awake in bed, fear that she may be in danger of falling in love with Emma Green. But, still half-delirious from the lingering feel of her lips on hers, she wasn’t even entirely sure that she minded).