Remus know what was happening. He knew or at least he tried to make himself believe that he didnt, and would never like anyone. He decided that years ago, its unfair. Unfair to put someone in danger of himself.
He’d never even had a crush before so it had been quite easy up to this point. That’s why he’s at a complete loss over what is happening with Sirius, or rather how he’s feeling about Sirius.
he can’t seem to shake that feeling he gets when ever he kisses Mary or what ever girl he seems to be dating at any point in time. It feels like anger, like something trying to claw its way out of him almost possesivly but it doesn’t feel entirely like anger. It feels like that feeling he gets when James and Sirius leave to play quidditch without him or when lily is potions partners with snaps, leaving him to be with who’s ever left.
So no not angry. He knows angry for the most part, it goes hand in hands with his transformations but anger is hungry. It wont stop untill it reaches its goal. This. This just sits in the caverns of his chest clawing, begging to be let free.
What ever it is its been annoying Remus. He hasn’t had a good nights rest since its arrived, somewhere at the beginning of their 5th year. So here he sits, at 3 in the morning, waiting for sleep to finially take him while his mind keeps supplying him with unhelpful what-ifs.
when he had come down here very few people had still been up. Really it was just a small group of year 7’s studying for the up coming exams. He had made himself comfortable on won of the arm chairs next to the slowly dying fire after gathering himself in his favorite sweater and with his favorite blankets and tea.
It’s nights like these, nights where his mind moves to fast for him to gather more than the flieghting feeling of what-ever it was that he hurts the most. Some it is physical, with his scars seeming to acquire a dull ache, while others make him feel like he’s carrying the weight of a thousand lives on his shoulders.
The warm feeling of the drink in his hands and the sweater around his shoulders bring him a small form of comfort but not nearly enough to drive off the raging thoughts.
it started with that feeling in his chest, the felling that after hours of sitting in the common room he had finially found what most suited it.
Jealousy.
He didnt like that outcome, but it was the answere none the less. The only thing he could do now is try to brush it off whenever he felt it emerge, which was proving to be a difficult feat. Every thought he followed lead him back to Sirius whether it being about classes or about the full moon coming up in a few days time, everything lead to him.
Eventually though as the night crept on he slowly nodded of to sleep. The warm fire place and forgotten tea guided him to sleep like guards on either side of him, but they couldnt protect him once he got there.
sleep had always been a struggle for lupin, ever since he started having transformations. This night was no different. The dreams all ways felt realer the closer he got to the full moon. It felt as if he was actually transforming in them and the things he would do in them… he could never stand to look at himself in the mirror to long after he would have these dreams. It felt to real, to much like it was actually him.
Even if the people in the dreams weren’t real and couldnt actually feel pain or fear he felt it. Every time he would get one like this he hated it. More than that he hated himself. They always felt as if it was his choice to do thoughts things while logically he knew it wasnt, he’d never been able to stop the things happening in them.
this dream was terrible. The awful type that if he was able to process full thought right now he was sure he would vomit right then and there. But he couldnt. He could only watch, watch threw his own eyes as it felt like he did all these things.
And then he woke up. More so he startled awake with the contents of the camomile tea he had drank not even 30 minutes ago spawn onto the floor. The world was spinning in his vision and it felt as if his heat was going to beat its way out of his chest little by little.
His thought and eyes burned with stomach acid and unshod tears the smell of his vomit on his sweater and blankets was enough to make him feel nauseous again. The world began top blur together again as he tried to stifle his cry’s into his hands. His entire body shook with tremors as fought himself.
his ears were muffled with the rush of blood so much so that he didnt hear the quite padding deciending from the stair case. It wasnt untill the boy stood infront of him slowly and genially trying to pry the soiled blanket from his grasps that he realized he wasn’t alone in the common room anymore.
He followed the hands up to the torso then finially to the face, with round glasses and even more unruly hair then normal. He had a small, concerned look on his face but he didnt say anything instead bundling up the blanket that Remus had finially relinquished from his grasps, making sure the vomit would stay bundled inside.
“The elves will take care of this, dont worry.” it took Remus a minute to realize that it was James that had spoken thoughts words and not his own mind that had resorted back to a million and on thoughts.
James reappeared infront of Remus in what felt like a second later but what must have been at least a minute with a new shirt and the blanket no where to be seen.
“Do you think you can switch out of that or do you want some help?” Remus looked down sat his sweater. The one that he loved that was not splattered with the ruminants of his half stomach acid and half tea.
He shook his head slowly raising the shirt above his head and taking it off, being careful not to have it touch his face. James tooked the sweater and bundled it up the same way he had the blanket and then handed his a new, clean sweater.
“thanks.” He mumbled pulling the seater over his head. Before looking at the ground near James feet rather than dirrectly at him. He must have been zoned out for a while because the mess he had made on the floor was not clean and there was a new cup of tea on the table infront of him.
James sat on on of the couches close by seeming very intrigued by the small fire. He had his own cup of tea that he sipped periodically but he never looked at Remus.
“sorry.” Remus almost whispered into his tea as he took a sip. He was almost sure that James hadn’t heard him untill he looked up and found him sitting on the edge of the table in front of him.
“What do you have to be sorry for?” James stared at him waiting paciently for Remus to find his words. “For…” he jestured around himself vaguely. “All that.” He didnt look at James anymore instead picking at the hem of the new sweater.
“You dont need to be sorry for that. I know you didnt vomit all over the floor because you wanted to be a git” James gave a small playful nudge to recuses shoulder sending them both into small, light laughter.
“Yeah, i know. But i could have cleaned it up on my own. It was my mess.” With the release of a long thread from the hem of his sweater he stopped messing with it instead becomeing quite interested in the skin on his cuticles.
“And let you have all that fun to yourself? No way!” James crossed his arms staring at Remus, this time with a look of concern.”what happened?” He didnt know what to say. You can’t just casually say ‘oh yeah i had a dream where i ran around yanking peoples limbs off.’ You just couldnt. So instead he raised his shoulders in a half shrug staring at his now bleeding cuticles.
“If you dont want to talk about it you dont have to… just… if you do ill be here. Alright?” Lupin gave a small nod and James did exactly as he promised though a lot more literally than Remus thought he would. James gathered all of the blankets and pillows he could find and went down tot he kitchen to get snacks and made a huge fort in the common room.
Eventually that night Remus told him about the dream, and they both cried again. One out of the pain their friend was feeling and the other relief of finially having someone to share that with.
Nearing 9 am that next morning people began coming down from their dormitory’s with one of the first ones being frank longbottom, the head boy. Remus didnt know what words were exchanged between James and the boy but neither of them were bothered again untill 10 when the rest of the muraders found their way into the fort.
They laughed and joked the day away with the raging thoughts in recuses head going down to a tolerable level. And it James judged remus at one point when Sirius was braiding his hair and gave lupin a knowing look. Well. No one else needed to know what it meant. Not now at least.