6th year had brought up new feelings for Pandora, they never really cared much for romance, that’s not to say they weren’t experienced, just… uninterested. But it’s hard not to think about it when all your friends are convinced they’ve found their soulmates at 16, obviously Pandora didn’t doubt them in their beliefs, they were all walking romance novels. Though it’s an understatement to say they were quite irritated when even Peter - who vowed he’d stay single with them because romance is for the weak - had gotten himself into a relationship, which of course they were happy for him, how could they not be, he’s never looked this happy, this alive. But their friends' new found cognizance had left Pandora feeling empty, running hand in hand with the undead. So they spent the remainder of 6th year focusing on finding their equivalent to what their friends had, much to their studies' demise. Like seriously you’d think being a Ravenclaw would allow space for side endeavours.
Nik Buriades was the first of many attempts at finding a soulmate, he was a fellow Ravenclaw - Pandora decided that having the same house would be their first grounds of relation, like Barty and Evan - he was taller than Pandora which was slightly aggravating but perfection isn’t something Pandora believes in anyway. He had short crew-cut blonde hair and blue eyes, not the special kind, just blue. To be completely honest, they had no idea what they saw in him. But that's probably just because they saw nothing in him at all, just a hope that maybe they could see something with time. Nik wasn’t exactly Pandora’s type, he was masculine but not in the soft way Regulus was or the endearing way Barty was, he was masculine in the way where it was his biggest source of pride. But again, perfection wasn’t something Pandora believed in nor was it something they were avidly searching for. Knowing this about Nik, Pandora decided to make themself into something a boy like him would want to ask out, Dorcas was very much against the idea of Dora changing themself for a boy, she was very adamant on the point that he was a boy of all things. But Pandora isn’t one to take input from others, especially when they are on an important mission, not that finding something like love was a mission to Pandora, it was just a good way to phrase it to keep themself on track, honestly it was either that or war path so pick your poison.
So Pandora started the month of January in their brightest pinks and tightest skirts, closer to the likes of a Barbie doll than of Pandora, yes this wasn’t exactly comfortable for Pandora but love isn’t meant to be comfortable or at least that’s what the winter edition of Ladies Home Journal had said. Dorcas says she doubts the validity but she doesn’t own a magazine label now does she? It didn’t take long to gain the attention of Nik after all boys’ minds were grossly feeble. Nik had approached Pandora asking them on a date whilst barely knowing their name, he’d called them Penny, but Pandora agreed. Granted this wasn’t exactly romance novel material but neither is Sleeping Beauty’s probable bed head, you cut and paste certain parts of the story to make it prettier, Pandora intends to tell their friends he said it in a jokingly cute way and that his humour struck their interest.
Not remembering their name was one thing but taking them to watch The Eye Creatures and calling it groundbreaking was too far gone even for Pandora, not to mention Evan and Dorcas bullied them for an hour over their “future husband’s hetero film major tastes”, so that was the end of Pandora’s first big ‘love’.
Xenophilius Lovegood was directly after Nik because Pandora wanted love fast and wasn’t about to wait around for it to just show up. They’d decided a long time ago that life doesn’t work like that, not for them at least. So there came Xeno, a hat-stall Slytherin who Pandora decided to approach solely because they’d realised that Slytherins seem to be the type of person they gravitated most to and Xeno seemed to be the only Slytherin boy who didn’t believe they were crazy. Xeno wasn’t unknown to Dora; they knew what kind of person he was before getting into this, so it’s fair to say they walked themself right into it. Dorcas says Xeno is a horrible quidditch player who prides himself in his ‘talent’ - that being his father who paid his way into the team - who will someday realise his own horridness and turn into the most insufferable hippie to grace the earth, the type that get at you for standing in the way of the earth's centre pull. Dorcas was pissed when Pandora told her he’d be their next big attempt at love.
Pandora Approached Xenophilius with a game plan, yes, a game plan. Dorcas says Xeno was one of those quidditch players who since making the team decided to build their whole world view around it and see basic day to day things in the eyes of a coach. So yes, a game plan. Pandora had told him they wanted to take him to the upcoming Gryffindor V Hufflepuff game, he accepted quickly but with only one condition. Like the basic and oh so predictable pureblood Slytherin boy he was, he demanded they root for Hufflepuff. Anything to spite the Gryffindors. Pandora decided they could make it up to James later.
After five insufferable minutes with Xeno, Pandora decided their apology to James was taken care of in the hands of karma which they were quite sure was sent by James Potter himself, if not him an equally pissed Marlene. Xeno spent the whole date doing everything Pandora hated. Being too touchy, too loud, too aggressive, too rapid with his movements as if he was a 5 year old eating straight coffee beans, but mostly; chewing far too loudly. Everything he did sent Dora’s mind into overdrive, had their blood rushing to their ears like waves crashing on rocks. Xeno was a walking trigger.
Pandora was on the edge of leaving as is but he practically threw them over the edge when he decided to turn around and curse out a Hufflepuff sitting behind them. He berated them for their “bad team spirit”. Pandora felt like throwing up. When retelling the story to Regulus, they made sure to highlight the fact that the Hufflepuff was already quite loud; it was just hard to hear them over Xenophilius' obnoxiously loud self.
That whole thing was all it took for Pandora to bid him farewell , though the steps out felt like they’d passed through a threshold of reality, like they’d walked out on the echo of a life they could’ve had. Pandora believes in the existence of multiple realities, so they believe they’d jumped further away from one they were written to exist in. Though the idea of their being a writer or a God, wasn’t one Pandora had fully thought on yet. Pandora felt as if their vision of the future had moved on from a little girl with white blonde hair and blue robes to a blank page willing them to fill in with words and stories. Though maybe the little girl will come back up one day.
January also bought Ali Pavae, a Hufflepuff who helped run the school greenhouse, Pandora thought Ali was beautiful though Dorcas said he looked like a hippie who prides himself on his knowledge of obscure garage bands that will never reach the limelight, but Dorcas judges most people so it loses its depth after a while. But Dora decided that if Dorcas’ assumption were even the least bit right, Ali would prefer the start of their relationship to be of mutual decision. So Pandora started their relationship by sitting next to him in potions class, much to the annoyance of Evan. It didn’t take long to realise a conversation with Ali was as responsive as a conversation with a piece of paper, well at least the paper you can draw out its answers. Ali on the other hand just looked at you, he only spoke when spoken to and replied with short emotionless answers. Regulus told them to just leave it, he genuinely tried to convince them that love wasn’t THAT important. As if his day doesn’t revolve around James Potter’s smile. Marlene tried to reason with Dora, told them that maybe they had to draw out his extroverted side, and God does Pandora wish they never asked Marlene for help.
Following Marly’s advice, had Pandora cutting corners to find Ali, leaving classes early to meet him at his, taking every chance they got to find him and honestly after a while it became a chore. But it also started to feel like maybe Pandora could love him, his smile every time they showed up had warmed their heart, the fact that anyone would feel that pleased to see them was a shock. Eventually nearing the end of February Pandora was convinced they knew Ali better than anyone else in the school knew him, which in retrospect wasn’t a very large scale, most didn’t know his name. He was nothing like Dorcas had said he’d be like, Ali was wicked smart and by far the only person Pandora’s ever met who can actually make funny arithmancy jokes, he was pretty and kind to everyone. Pandora only noticed these things after a few weeks of being near him. But even after all his goodness Pandora just felt nothing.
It wasn’t alarming when they couldn’t feel anything for Nik seeing as though they didn’t even know him, just knew he was conventionally attractive. It didn’t set them off when they realised there was nothing with Xeno because he was horrid so it was understandable. But with Ali, it had been nearing a month and he was a beautiful person and Pandora felt nothing, even Barty said he was confused based on their ravings of Ali. Pandora believes new months bring new opportunities, so at the start of April Pandora found themself kissing Ali, it wasn’t unwelcomed but it didn’t feel right. It felt so wrong that Pandora had run from him like some crazed damsel in the Disney movies or more fitting for Pandora; a feral 12 year old boy painted as a menace in a coming of age movie.
For a second Pandora considered maybe they were inable to love, like a romantic version of Evan’s whole sex thing but eventually they wound up on a bed cuddling up to Dorcas professing their inability to love. Which was quickly shut down by Dorcas saying maybe they just couldn’t love men, that sent Pandora into a whirlpool of emotions. Pandora thought they’d be comforted by finding a probable answer to their predicament so quickly but really they just felt horrible. Pandora didn’t believe in perfection but Ali was the closest thing to it.
It didn’t take long for Pandora to accept they were very clearly not into men but it took a lot longer to get around to telling Ali. He wasn’t hurt when they did, he seemed more hurt when they stopped showing the same amount of interest in him, when they gave up all the effort they’d put into him. It hurts Dora to think about Ali. About him sitting there waiting for them to show up at his classes, holding a seat for them while they walk right past it. They didn’t want to distance themself but it hurt to see him. Even if he said he didn’t need a relationship with them, they still felt like they’d let him down. It felt burdensome to admit their sexuality because in their mind it meant hurting Ali, even if he said it didn’t.
When Sirius found Pandora crying to Regulus he told them there was no point mourning a relationship they weren’t even in. Pandora thought they’d put their whole thing with Ali down to a very stupid understatement because it was a relationship or at least the closest thing to it. but Regulus agreed so it felt only smart to listen. So barely two weeks after Ali came Mildred Sickles, she wasn’t Pandora’s first relationship but she was just the first girl Pandora’s ever dated, so it felt as vulnerable as the first. At some points even more.
Merely a month into the relationship with Mildred, Pandora realised they’d never really wanted any of the relationships they’d been in, nothing they’d ever done with anyone else had felt as intense, as real, as vibrant, as it did with Milly. For the first month of their relationship everything felt perfect, felt how it was meant to be. For a second Pandora was convinced they’d finally done it, finally found that thing all their friends had. But Pandora seems to forget themself at times. Mildred decided Pandora’s existence was a burden, halfway through their second month together. She’d go days without speaking to Dora, running off every time she saw them, treating every second they spent together as if it was hurting her. Pandora didn’t bring it up, not with Milly and not with any of their friends.
Every time Mildred looked at them as if the sight of them disgusted her, they’d let their mind slip back to their first moments together. They let themself think back to their first date, a picnic by a lavender bush. They let themself think of her eyes lingering over certain features of their face. They let themself remember the sparkle they swore they’d seen. Every time they’d catch her purposely avoiding them, running off down halls the opposite way, they’d trick their mind into believing it was someone else. They let their mind slip back to moments walking hand in hand down those very same hallways.
Pandora believed Mildred was the human personification of being hit by Eros’ arrows and being kissed by Aphrodite. Though Pandora was quite sure Milly doesn’t think that deeply into the likeness of them.
And so went by three months with Mildred, half of it spent spinning Pandora’s world view, the other half spent ripping Pandora from the inside-out and they didn’t even fight it. Mildred looked happier when Pandora wasn’t with her and all Pandora wanted was for Mildred to be happy. But Pandora was born into a selfish line, in the selfish skin of a Lestrange, so they never left. Pandora stayed until the very last moment. Held on until they were yanked off. Mildred said they were too much, when Pandora asked what it was to be too much, she didn’t even look at them. She left it at much and with that she also left Pandora because Pandora was too much.
Pandora wasn’t one to cry, they had other ways of outlets. But after Mildred… Pandora figured the insides of them, that they once saw as a flourishing garden of tangled vines, chaotic but beautiful, was now just a well forever overflowing. Dorcas hates Mildred, so does Barty and Evan and especially Regulus. They hate her for what she’d managed to make of Pandora. Pandora could see their friends wanted them to hate Mildred too, wanted them to see it wasn’t fair what she’d done, what she’d said. Pandora wanted to hate Mildred, wanted to look at her and see her for all her ugly but Pandora’s mind was a traitorous place. It diluted itself with the belief that Milly was beautiful, that she was right with the words she’d scarred into Pandora’s being. Pandora’s mind was traitorous and so was their heart and their soul and soon their beliefs. Pandora was too much.
Pandora let their well overflow for a month because Lestrange’s don’t even mourn the dead, so they will not mourn the living. With June came the growth of Alliums in Pandora’s mother’s garden and so Pandora decided it was time they stop watering their garden and gave the vines a chance to breathe. Vessa Hyccyla was Pandora’s chance to breathe again. Vessa was their neighbour's granddaughter, when Pandora first saw her, they were sure their eyes had met an angel. Talking to Vessa had Pandora mesmerised watching the way her eyes shone with a seraphic glow. Beautiful was an insult in the name of Vessa.
So Pandora spent the start of their holiday jumping in and out of windows, sneaking for secret rendezvous in the gardens, walking the living lines of an Emily Dickinson love letter. Vessa was set to be a holiday fling, despite Pandora’s desire for a modern Pygmalion and Galatea. But Vessa offered more, she offered Pandora the very thing they’ve been longing for but, Pandora was too much and Vessa deserved better. Vessa left as July came and with that did the sentiment of soulmates, for soulmate was just a word and it wasn’t a word that lived in Pandora. Vessa may have left but did not go in silence, she had left a note.
One day may my hand hold another as soft as your own.
By August Pandora knew their place, they weren’t going to have what their friends spoke so highly of or what the ancient philosophers would’ve offered their genius for, because Pandora was too much. But with August Pandora found that too much had its own personal match, that being too little, that being Fennelis Nysali. For all of Pandora’s much, Fen met them with absolutely nothing at all. Pandora would rain her with everything they could, do nothing short of writing her poems and leaving her flowers by her window. Where Vessa would’ve reciprocated with the intensity of a raging snow storm, Fen would merely acknowledge Pandora’s existence and that was enough. Pandora realised that that’s all they deserved, after all, it’s all they’ve ever had. Pandora’s mother never loved them, there wasn’t enough room, love isn’t limitless, at least it wasn’t in the Lestrange home. We're all given a certain portion of love, just the right amount to suffice the people you were made to love. And Pandora’s mother’s portion ran out after their brothers Rodolphus and Rabstian. Those boys took up all the room, though sometimes Pandora’s traitorous mind told them there was more than enough room to fit them, mother just didn’t see them fit. But Pandora found their nights went softer when they stuck by the belief that they were late. Pandora was simply too late. Pandora is always too late. So Fen’s kind of love was perfect for them, any more and Fen would be being far too merciful.
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It’s now September and Pandora is finally back at Hogwarts just this time they have a girlfriend, one that isn’t going to leave them, at least not yet. After settling into their dorm having a long awaited gossip session with their roommate Wilhelm, Dora made their way to Regulus, Barty and Evan’s dorm to catch up with everyone, knowing Dorcas will already be there. After 2 hours of back and forth screaming and judgement taking its rounds on the group, they made their way to the sorting ceremony. Contrary to others, Pandora loves the sorting ceremony, they think it’s beautiful watching all the first years walk up nervously just to come down and be invited to sit at a table with people who’ll love them like a family, or at least that’s how they see it. For Pandora the sorting went quickly, at least that was until Headmaster Mcgonagall announced Hogwarts 7th years are gaining a new transfer student.
“Evangeline Solé Gauthier”
The name rang through Pandora’s ears bringing back memories of a small girl with spikey space buns running through the gardens with them at the old Lestrange Manor in France. The memories seem to run rapid fire through their head as they watch her stand and make her way to Mcgonagall. She’s taller than she was but that’s a given seeing it’s been easily 7 years. Pandora’s sure she’s still shorter than them, though they’ll have to check later, that is if she remembers them… if she doesn’t they’ll just have to remind her. Evangeline’s hair is shorter than Pandora’s ever seen it, curls fraying at her jaw and lining her brow. Her lips were full and painted a dark shade of red veering bloodlike. Her face had gotten much more refined, her jaw stronger and cheekbones sharper. Pandora didn’t believe Aphrodite had walked with modern day wizard’s but if she were to, Evangeline would be Pandora’s first guess.
To put it simply, Evangeline was beautiful, she always had been.
Evangeline had taken her seat at the front of the great hall, fear etched into her features. Professor Mcgonagall walked over to her to put the sorting hat on her head just to be dodged by Evangeline, she practically threw herself onto the floor. “I’m not putting that on, there has to be another way because that thing probably has like, a hundred or so years of lice crawling around inside of it.” Evangeline’s heavy french accent bounced off the walls of the great hall. The room was filled with hushed laughter. The hat gasped, Pandora didn’t even know it could do that, “How dare you!” its voice filled the room, “I am NOT a thing and I do not have lice!” The room went quiet, Pandora was quite sure no one had ever heard this many words from the sorting hat. “I’m sorry? Is it allowed to speak to me like that? That has to be against at least 5 school conduct rules. Also how is it even speaking? You need a brain to speak and I really don’t see logistically where one could fit, unless it has a brain just shoved up there… which is worse than lice… my head is not being touched by a talking hat's brain, that’s going nowhere near me.” By the end of her little speech everyone was laughing, Pandora could even see a small smile on Mcgonagall.
The Headmaster politely shushed the hat from berating Evangeline, “I promise you there is no lice, no brain and no nervous system for you to worry about.” Mcgonagall said before dropping the hat onto Evangeline’s head, she looked as if she’d spent 10 days at sea the second it touched her head.
The hat began to speak but stopped itself immediately, poor Evangeline just sat there while the hat continued to stop and start between Slytherin and Ravenclaw, each time spiking Pandora’s heart rate, “Oh my gods please just pick one! Or better yet give none at all, I would rather sleep in the couloir if it meant you would stop yelling in my ear- oh now I'm yelling, oh no.” Evangeline looked ill, “Je suis vraiment désolé, c'était horrible de ma part. Je suis tellement désolé, monsieur le mec, que ce ne soit pas mon affaire, que vous ayez ou non un cerveau !” Evangeline hurried out apologies in french while almost hitting the hat off her head with her hand movements. “HUFFLEPUFF!” the hat exclaimed, “Now get me off this THINGS head!” Pandora thinks Evangeline is probably the first person in Hogwarts history to have made an enemy with the sorting hat. The Hufflepuff’s immediately engulfed Evangeline in hugs and greetings, she looked ecstatic but scared.
Pandora watched as Nolan hurriedly introduced himself to Evangeline, stumbling through the highly rehearsed and robotic speech he’s required to give as head boy. Pandora could tell she knew this but was saving him the embarrassment by not mentioning it. They watch as he stops and starts every few seconds, Evangeline’s focus unwavering, completely centred on Nolan. If Pandora didn’t know Nolan they’d think he was giving her the most enlightening speech of all time. They’d make sure to thank her for that later, they’re sure Peter will too. Nolan’s always struggled with nerves, but it’s become more and more of a problem in recent years and most people aren’t as understanding as Evangeline was.
As Evangeline went to take her seat her eyes locked onto Pandora’s, though how could they not Pandora had been staring at her from the second she came into view. She broke out into the biggest grin at sighting Pandora, it melted them from the inside out. She still had the same eyes, the same deep pecan and hickory brown, on anyone else they’d look stern and serious but on Evangeline they were soft and fervent. From then on it was as if they were playing some weird, broken version of a staring contest. The rest of their meal they’d stare at each other, each catching the other in the act just to do it all again. It was so juvenile but had set Pandora alight.
The second the ceremony officially ended Pandora made their way straight over to Evangeline pushing past everyone else. “Hi.” Pandora stopped Evangeline then quickly realised they had stepped far too close to her and normal people quite like their personal space. That thought was quickly pushed aside as Evangeline’s arms wrapped around Pandora, she had to step on her tip-toes to properly hug them. The second she let them go it was as if her hands needed confirmation on what her eyes were seeing. First she had her hands on their shoulders saying something about their height then muttering in incoherent French, then her hands made their way down Dora’s arm into their hands, comparing the sizes and laughing to herself. Pandora didn’t dare say or do anything that’d stop her from touching them. It wasn’t long before her hands were cupping Pandora’s face telling them how different they look. Pandora remembered the girl working faster than most but this was more than their memory supplied.
Pandora was so caught up in her touch they had forgotten there were other people around, people were staring at them, as in people they meant Dorcas, Barty, Evan, Peter, Regulus and surprisingly Fennelis, she looked livid. Pandora decided it was best to cut Evangeline off, “Hey, why don’t we go somewhere else, it’s a bit… crowded, here.” Evangeline just nodded and grabbed onto Pandora’s hand pulling them along, “Wait! Maybe you should lead. I have no idea where we are going, I almost fell down those moving stairs earlier. WHICH by the way IS NOT MY FAULT! Really it’s completely impractical if you think of it, how has no one died yet?” Pandora quickly picked up on how Evangeline put her heart into every word she said, she didn't say things that she had no feeling behind, Pandora loved that already.
Pandora led them both to the gardens, “Do you remember the gardens at your parents, oh it was just beautiful there, I hated when you left, one because YOU LEFT! but two because I never got to use your gardens again.” Evangeline used her hands as much as a mob boss in the American movies, “You know this new guy moved in? Complete grouch. The garden looks horrible under his watch.” Evangeline rolled her eyes and threw up her hands, “Oh mon Dieu! I haven’t let you speak at all, I'm sorry.” Evangeline clutched Pandora’s hands, “Fill me in on everything I've missed! Skip nothing or I'll hex you.” Evangeline laughed and it was the sweetest sound Pandora’s ever heard, they’d decided at that moment they’d do everything in their power to hear it every day for the rest of their life. “I don’t think I can fill in the blanks of 7 years.” Pandora was never one to be shy when spoken to but Evangeline had a way with them. “Well you have all night to try. You fill in yours,” Evangeline laid down so her head was on Pandora’s lap “and I'll fill in mine.”
“Well… uh, I don’t know where to start?” Pandora said while looking anywhere but Evangeline, “Don’t complicate it Dora.” Evangeline sighed, having eyes only for Dora. “Well, I’m in Ravenclaw,” “I know, tell me things that aren’t obvious.” Evangeline smiled the sweetest smile. “Uh, well my best friend-” Pandora got stopped by a hand covering their mouth, “I didn’t ask about your friends. I asked about you.” Evangeline hesitated, “I missed you, not them. So can I finally hear about you, gods you let me talk non-stop, feels like I won’t even remember your voice at this point.” Evangeline continued while playing with Pandora’s bracelets. It’s not that no ones ever asked about Pandora before, it’s just never been like that. Normally if someone asks, the first thing they say would be about their friends, how could they not, they loved their friends more than they could ever love themself. Evangeline asked something of them they’re not used to doing.
So that’s how Pandora ended up spending the next 6 hours with Evangeline’s head on their lap telling her about everything they possibly could. It felt like once Pandora started and once they’d realised their voice wasn’t an annoyance to Evangeline, they couldn’t stop talking. Pandora’s never struggled to be heard when they wanted to be, but It’s never felt this good to be heard before.
Pandora found themself walking into their dorm at 5am just about ready to collapse, Evangeline was an inextinguishable flame, an everlasting hearth but staying by that hearth till 5 in the morning has its consequences. Pandora changed and jumped into bed ready to never wake up again, that being until Bellamy and Wilhelm jumped onto their bed and shook them out of their tiredness, they swear someone poked their eye. “What? What could you possibly need me for at 5 in the morning.” Pandora fumed, launching a pillow at the nearest head. “Who is she? You clearly already knew her, so who is she?” Bellamy demanded while poking Pandora to add more emphasis. “She’s an old friend. I used to live next to her family back when the ministry sent my father to France. Good enough for you?” Pandora snapped feeling far too awake for this hour of the day.
“No, no, not good enough. We’re on the Pandora Lestrange Love Conqueror Cruise, you do not get to just overboard us now!” Wilhelm, ever the dramatic git. “I’m not overboarding you, I'm asking you to allow me at least 2 hours of sleep.” Pandora sighed exasperated, “Were you lovers?” Wilhelm pressed. “We were 11!” “So what you’re telling me, is… right person-wrong time?” Wilhelm grinned as if he had said something smart. “No, I'm telling you to go to bed it’s 5 in the morning.” Pandora threw another pillow this time aiming for Wilhelm. “If I get hit by another pillow I swear to Merlin-” Bellamy cut himself off before he accidentally curses someone again, his magic is quite fray like that. “Come on, just tell us what happened.” Wilhelm dragged on his words like an angry toddler. “Yeah Dora, why are you so late?” Bellamy added slyly, “I’m early if anything.” They received a pillow to their face this time. “Just leave it okay?” Pandora pleaded, “I’m with Fen anyways, so this is very inappropriate.” Pandora mused.
Wilhelm sighed and went back to bed but Bellamy stayed, “Dora, she didn’t even speak to you today… You’ve been together for a month and she didn’t even speak to you.” Bellamy sounded more mad than concerned. Pandora knew he was trying to convince them to leave her but that wasn’t Pandora’s decision to make, they didn’t deserve to make it. When Fennelis gets bored - which she will - she’ll leave Pandora and then Pandora can wait for the next person who’ll let them take up space for a while. “She gives me enough, Bell.” “Your idea of ‘enough’ clearly isn’t good enough.” Bellamy retorted. “Dora, what if I told you Pete or Nolan treated me the way she treats you? That Nols left me standing at a cafe for 3 hours because he changed his mind and didn't think of telling me? That Peter quite literally avoided me because I wasn’t feeling good and they couldn’t be bothered to help? You’d be pissed Dora, it’s not enough and we both know that. End it now while it’s only been a month.” Bellamy didn’t wait for their answer, he just got up and went to bed. Pandora fell asleep and dreamed of a french garden.
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There's a 4 day period before schooling actually starts, it gives students a chance to settle in again, also it helps to let the new first years find their way around. Evangeline found Pandora fairly quickly on their first day, practically ambushing them to rant about how lumpy the couch was in the Hufflepuff common room. Pandora was sure that by lunch time they would be able to give anyone an extensive essay on the lives of Evangeline’s roommates. Pandora spent their whole first full day back at Hogwarts being pulled up and down corridors by Evangeline. Normally they would’ve liked to spend the first day with Barty, Evan, Dorcas and Regulus but normally Pandora doesn’t have Evangeline.
It’s so easy to get caught up in Evangeline, so, so easy to let her take you wherever she wants, Pandora’s running theory is that she’s part siren. Pandora thinks if they’d always had Evangeline, they wouldn’t have spent a single day not like this. So they spent their next few days wrapped up in Evangeline’s magnetic field. Fen didn’t show up, not even once. Evangeline kept them occupied but their mind always found a way to run back to Fennelis, wondering if she was even looking for them, they highly doubted it. Sometimes Pandora thought their mind liked seeing them hurt, that’s why it drowned out Evangeline’s loveliness with Fennelis’ poison.
At first it was difficult understanding how to fit with Evangeline but Pandora quickly adapted to the ways of her. Evangeline liked things at a faster pace, she spoke faster than most, told stories faster, moved faster, walked faster, gods Pandora was convinced Evangeline’s brain would move so fast it would be incomprehensible to anyone but her. Evangeline loved the outdoors, which was new to Pandora because she used to hate it, said it made her nose hurt but she’d always let Pandora bring her to the gardens anyway. Evangeline made her own clothes, so she hated the uniform because it wasn’t hers, that was until she added her own parts to it. She’d cut the bottom half of the sleeves and replaced it with crochet chains going down slightly past her hands, Pandora didn’t think there was anyone in the world with a mind as intricate and beautiful as Evangelines.
On their third full day Pandora introduced Evangeline to her friends. Barty loved her, said someone finally spoke at a pace he can keep up with but Pandora thinks he was just teasing, they’ll reprimand him for that later. Pandora thinks Evan liked her, he may have stayed quiet but he looked comfortable, which is different for him when it comes to new people. Evan’s go -to with new people is to sit and stare at them to see how awkward he can make them feel, Regulus says he does it because he’s compensating for his own uncomfortability. Pandora could tell Dorcas liked her, she spoke to her how she does Mary. Regulus… well Pandora doesn’t know, he kind of just sat there quietly watching her, inspecting her. Before Pandora could introduce Evangeline to their other friends she told Pandora she had plans with other people, it sucked but Pandora was happy she’d made friends.
Regulus came along with Pandora while they walked Evangeline back to the Hufflepuff common room, they didn’t understand why he came along, it’s not like he spoke. Regulus didn’t say a single word until they were halfway back to the Slytherin dorms, “She’s nice, Dora. Glad you’re finally done with Fennelis. Granted it took you forever to end it but you still did it.” Regulus smiled up at them and Pandora was right confused, “I’m still with Fen?” Regulus’ face dropped, “Dora. Listen, I hate Fennelis too but cheating isn’t cool. Like even if she’s a total dick, it’s still not cool.” Regulus stated hurriedly. “I’m not cheating? I’m not dating Evangeline Reg. She’s just a friend.” Regulus went to reply but decided against it, they continued the walk back in silence.
_______________________
After dinner Pandora and Bellamy made their way back to the dorm while watching Wilhelm mimic 8th year Deveena and 7th year Jacob and their ‘horrible lovers quarrel in the owl room’ that only Wilhelm and a few others had seen. Wilhelm threw his hands up dramatically, “‘BUT DEVEENA! MY LOVE! DON’T BREAK A DYING MAN'S HEART!’ and then- and then she goes, ‘What could you possibly be dying from Jake!?’ AND THEN-” Wilhelm drops to his knees in the middle of the hallway “‘MY LOVE FOR YOU! MY EVER GROWING LOVE DEVEE!’” Wilhelm jumps back up dramatically “ OH AND THEN OH MY GODS YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN IT, DEEVENA GOES, ‘That simply isn’t good enough for me Jacob’ And she just like- like walked off. It was horrible, I'm telling you.” “You’re telling us.” Bellamy mocked. “This is serious Bell! Jacob like- wailed! Total shit show.” Pandora couldn’t help but laugh, Wilhelm’s whole show of what he likes to call The Great Break of Decob would be a lot less humorous if it wasn’t all performed in his thick Irish accent. “Sounds like one.” Bellamy said, voice dripping in sarcasm. Pandora slapped Bellamy’s arm lightly, Wilhelm struggles to tell the difference between sarcasm and normal speech, Bellamy seems to forget that sometimes. “Sorry, thanks for telling us Wil.” Bellamy resolved.
Sometimes Pandora doesn’t speak, not because they're sad but because they’d rather sit and watch, for them it’s just as enjoyable. Pandora was enjoying this very thing right until they got pulled back by their arm by Fennelis, “Where have you been?” Fen questioned them. “I don’t understand the question.” “So there’s my answer.” Fen rolled her eyes, still holding onto Pandora’s arm. “So how is she? Better than me?” Fennelis’ words were lined with poison, “Fen, I don’t understand. Can you explain? Please? Because I want to understand, I just- I just can’t.” Pandora mewled. “Gods you're slow.” Pandora didn’t know if Fen meant what she’d said, if she did, maybe even Pandora didn’t deserve this. “How far’d you go with her?” Fen was fuming, her grip on Pandora’s arm tightening and tightening. “With who? Can you please just slow down.” Pandora pleaded with Fen, “Evangeline!” She screamed back at them. Everything clicked in place for Pandora, “I’m not doing anything with Evangeline! She’s my friend. Okay, yeah, I spent a few days with her but it wasn’t anything like that.” Pandora snatched their arm out of Fen’s grip, “And it’s not like you looked for me!” Pandora screamed back at her, Fennelis looked up at them with tears forming in her eyes, “Promise me.” Fen puled. “What am I promising?” Pandora prodded, “Just promise me you won’t- promise you won’t- you know.” Pandora promised it without a second thought, they didn’t intend to do anything with Evangeline anyway. “I don’t want you near her. Please, for me.” Pandora wanted to say no, everything in them begged to say no, but Fen was their girlfriend and Evangeline shouldn’t matter that much yet. “Okay, I won’t.” Pandora promised and she intends to keep it.
___________________
And with that school started, meaning Pandora would never get to experience a day of school with Evangeline. Every time they saw her, they’d turn the corner, they’d skipped meals, they didn’t sit next to her in their classes. It killed to see the way Evangeline looked at them, it mirrored Pandora with Mildred. A sickening parallel they wished they’d never realised.
On their second day of avoiding Evangeline they got a letter. The words scribbled in messy french, Pandora had to take it to Regulus to translate.
Quelque part dans les jardins,
tu as trouvé mon coeur fané,
Il se fanait sous les ruines,
Tu as ancré mes racines,
Si ton amour pouvait me ramener dans ce jardin,
C'est ici que je resterai,
Mais je n'ai pas encore ton amour, donc je vais rester endormi,
Mes rêves sont le seul endroit où ton cœur appartient au mien,
Tes vignes m'ont pris et enroulé autour de mes illusions,
Ils n'ont jamais appartenu à personne d'autre,
Seulement vous,
J'étais jeune alors mais je savais,
Je suis plus vieux maintenant et je sais que j'avais raison,
Emmenez-moi dans les jardins.
The second they understood what it meant, they wanted to burn it. How dare she? She can’t love Pandora. She doesn’t know them, not anymore. She knew them when they were young but time passes, some people grow, others, like Dora, wither. Pandora withered. Evangeline couldn’t love them. Evangeline was too new to Pandora’s life, clearly she didn’t understand yet that she couldn’t love Pandora. Pandora was too much.
Pandora went to bed that night with Evangeline’s name taking the rounds in their mind. It’s all they could think of, her and that stupid letter. Pandora should’ve burnt it, they have to burn it. So they got up, took the letter out from under their pillow and went by the open window - Bellamy keeps it open at night, says he runs hot - they took out their wand and held it under the letter. All it’d take is one word, Incendio, and it’d be gone. As the ashes fall so would Evangeline’s love. So why couldn’t they say it? It’s one word. Rabastian always said Pandora wasn’t strong enough to be a Lestrange, they couldn’t even burn a fucking letter.
So they went back to bed and laid there staring at the roof, every tear that went down their cheek felt like it burnt. Why’d this even matter so much? It made no sense. Evangeline hasn’t been in their life for 7 years, now she comes back for a few days and Pandora’s willing to sell their soul for her happiness.
Realisation hit harder than Pandora was prepared for.
Evangeline.
The one thing they were looking for and she’s right there.
It wasn’t love, not yet. But it doesn’t have to be because something this strong isn’t too far off.
Pandora couldn’t do it, they broke down. Bellamy and Wilhelm came and held onto them for the whole night, letting them cry. Waking up the next day was hard, partially because Wilhelm fell asleep on top of them but obviously, mainly because of Evangeline. Pandora didn’t know what they believed in, not yet, but they prayed out to whoever was listening that Evangeline stayed far away from them. Pandora didn’t really want her to but they’d made a promise and they intended to stick by it.
The day felt slower than most, maybe it was the nerves and their constant hold over Pandora or maybe it only felt slower because they spent the whole day willing Evangeline into rooms. It never worked. She was never there. But that was a good thing, Pandora just needed to remember their promise. Fen comes first.
Fen seemed to be more loving today, more than she has been in their whole relationship. She’s been showing up at Pandora’s classes, walking with them everywhere, actually trying to keep a conversation with them, not just waiting for her turn to speak. It would’ve been lovely if Pandora didn’t realise pretty quickly this wasn’t long term, it was until Fen decided Pandora was trustworthy enough not to run off to Evangeline.
Fen basically never left their side. Pandora should’ve been happy about this, they would’ve been under any other circumstance. Though under any other circumstance it’d feel too gracious for Pandora. Every touch from Fennelis felt backhanded because Pandora knew it all came with an ulterior motive, so each touch began to hurt. Pandora used to believe everyone deserves happiness but understanding themself more made them believe they didn’t deserve it and they knew there were people out there that were just like them, meaning they also didn’t deserve happiness. But Pandora is selfish, so sometimes they allow themself to dilute their mind with the belief that they don’t deserve the calloused hands they’re being handled by. This was one of those moments. So Pandora left, deserted Fennelis in the middle of the hallway.
They intended to just walk to the nearest bathroom but the corridor was too loud, everything was too loud. Every slight brush from another person felt like a shove. Every movement that was in their line of vision felt dizzying. It was too loud. Everything was too loud.
So they ran off to the library that was closed on Fridays, meaning Pandora was technically breaking and entering but that's a part of the natural course of life.
The second Pandora got in they sat on the floor nearing the entrance and buried their head in their hands, granted it was a tad dramatic but Pandora’s whole life can be mapped down to 100 sections of dramatic moments. They sat there like that for a while, just basking in the silence. Silence. The only sound they could hear was a far off ticking clock. Normally, after something like the hallway, that’d be enough to push them into a full breakdown but this time it felt calming. The clock wasn’t too loud but it took up just the right amount of space in the silence. Pandora timed their breaths along with the clock. Everything felt calm, something they hadn’t had since before their conversation with Fen two days prior.
Pandora only got to enjoy this calm - which was starting to feel like a rare luxury - for a few more minutes before the ticking clock became one of two sounds. First the door handle being rattled. Next the sound of the bottom of the door brushing against the carpeted floor. Then footsteps leading to Pandora. They didn’t look up, if it was a teacher then they’d have reprimanded them by now, in other words it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter until there was a new sound, “Dora? Hey, can you hear me?” Evangeline’s soft voice filled their senses, of course they could hear her, her voice has been the one sound they’ve been hoping to hear all day. Pandora just nodded, still not looking up at her, they didn’t need to, they were all too aware of every one of Evangeline’s movements.
Evangeline moved closer to Pandora “Can I touch you? Or do you need space?” Evangeline whispered, Pandora just nodded, hoping she understood which one they wanted, she did. Evangeline moved back a bit, so she wasn’t in Pandora’s circle. “Can you tell me what's wrong?” Pandora shook their head no, “Okay, can I sit here with you? I don’t want to leave you alone.” Evangeline fretted. Pandora didn’t want to speak, they couldn’t. Words wouldn’t feel right, right now. So they just nodded. “You don’t have to speak, I don’t need you to.” Fen never would’ve said that. “But can I talk?” Evangeline’s voice was soft, it was calming, Pandora found themself blanking out the clock in turn for Evangeline. So they nodded. “I came here for a reason, but I don’t want to say anything that’ll- that’ll you know, overwhelm.” Evangeline stuttered.
Pandora knew what she wanted, they weren’t dumb. Plus Evangeline - much like others wore their heart - wore her mind on her sleeve. Pandora knew this conversation wouldn’t help, it’d make it worse but they needed to hear it. So they nodded. “I know you’ve been avoiding me. You don’t have to explain why by the way. I know I can be a lot sometimes, I try not to be but sometimes I struggle to keep it down.” Evangeline stuttered through every word. “I don’t know if you got my letter… Maybe it was too much? I mean this whole thing at any capacity is too much.” She trailed off like she regretted ever coming here. “Problem is I know how I feel, I mean I've kind of known since we were kids but that doesn’t really count though. Does it?” Evangeline stood quiet, as if her mind had finally outrun her. “I guess that’s why I jumped at this so quickly. I saw it as a second chance, you know? Or well… more a first chance, seeing as though, again, we were children. I know this is stupid, and so, so juvenile. But…” Evangeline trailed off again.
“I know it’s not right to put you on the spot and I've heard about Fennelis and I know it’s wrong of me to judge her… but I can’t help it when I know she would never be able to treat you anywhere near what I'm capable of. I don’t know her but shouldn’t I? I spent days with you, without a break, she never showed up. I should know her by now. I couldn’t even tell you her eye colour. I can answer more questions about each painting on the wall than I can Fennelis. Really Dora just pick one, I’ll tell you.” Evangeline said matter of factly.
It all set in to Pandora so quickly, how it’d look from Evangeline’s eyes. They could tell Evangeline saw all things as love or nothing. They supposed she loved each painting on the wall, each person who gave her time, each plant that caught her eye. Evangeline was made of love, something Pandora has never been. She looked at Pandora and Fennelis in the eyes of love, not worth. Or maybe Evangeline saw all things as worth loving… that’s probably the only reason she could love Pandora. That’s also probably why she is looking through Pandora’s relationship with Fen trying to find love. Their relationship with Fennelis wasn’t built on love nor was it built to find love, it was simply made because they were each, only worth as much as the other, meaning it was all they could obtain. Pandora wasn’t going to lie and say Fen was worth some big fairytale love story, she wasn’t. That would require effort, effort Fennelis would never be able to give. Pandora wasn’t worth it either, they were too much.
Evangeline may not understand the importance of worth but Pandora did, if they didn’t they would’ve stayed, heard the rest of Evangeline’s confession, they’re sure it’d be beautiful. But Pandora does understand worth, “What I'm trying to say is-” Pandora left. They couldn’t let her say it. They knew she loved them but they couldn’t let her say it. So they left. Got up and walked away. Evangeline had called after them but they just walked faster.
Pandora was with Fen.
That’s who they deserved.
It’d never be love but they weren’t deserving of love.
Pandora went to bed that night deciding they’d blame everyone but themself. Cursing the universe for where it'd put them. Cursing their mother for the skin she’d birthed her selfish child into. Cursing their family line for never changing its ways because maybe if it had, they’d be worthy enough for Evangeline’s love.
_____________________
Pandora hid out in Regulus, Evan and Barty’s dorm for the weekend. Normally they wouldn’t bother, because who in their right mind would willingly look for Pandora. But this is Evangeline, of course she would. Regulus tried to tell them she wouldn’t be looking because she’s probably embarrassed, but to be completely honest, they aren’t sure Evangeline even feels embarrassment. They were pretty sure Regulus thought he was helping, he’s just not very good at feelings. Evan tried to tell them to just go to her, break it off with Fen and run to her as if they deserved her in any way. Barty also tried to get them to go to Evangeline, though his advice was to let him fight Fen for them. Pandora went to Dorcas hoping for some kind of rational advice but they just second Barty’s idea.
Marlene, Mary and Lily came around a bit later, Pandora expected some rationality from the three of them but they all just threatened to gang up on Fen. Sirius and Peter threatened things neither of them could fulfil, Remus on the other hand… well Dora just hoped he didn’t go through with it. Nolan’s advice was quite literally “Just run. Hide in the bushes for a few months till they both forget you.” He even offered to bring them food in the bush-cation.
James seemed to be the only person who tried to help them, he offered to talk to Evangeline for them, relay their thoughts to her so she knew they weren’t mad. Pandora denied but it was nice to be given the option. It hit a whole other level of awkward when Fennelis decided to stop by looking for them, feign concern etched in her voice. Dorcas just turned her away saying Pandora was sick in their room. Pandora wished they’d never discovered they like girls, it was so much easier to not feel for any of the guys they dated.
Pandora intended to never leave their room again. They’ll either eat and work from there or that bed will be their grave. That plan lasted till Bellamy came back. He didn’t even seem like he’d thought about it, he just walked over and sat at the edge of their bed. “I know you’ve probably heard it all day and it’s long over played, so I’ll keep it short okay?” He hesitated, which he rarely ever does. “Or you could just leave it? I think my plans adequate enough, Bells.” Pandora lambasted. “No. Dora, this matters too much.” “How does this matter?! Tell me how this matters in any way?!” Pandora chastised. “Because it does. It doesn’t seem like it but it does. Dora, she didn’t even speak to you… you remember right? I hadn’t seen her even slightly touch you until you were something that someone else wanted. Until you were something she could call ownership over…” Bellamy stopped and looked at them, sometimes it felt like Bellamy was the only person who ever really saw them. “I don’t know Evangeline but you do. You don’t have to tell me if she’s worth it or not because I'm pretty sure I already know. I know you don’t think you deserve better than Fen, but she thinks you do and she’s the one going into this relationship. I’m pretty sure Evangeline deserves to make her own decisions, Dora.” and with that, he left. Bellamy, ever the dramatic git.
Pandora sat there for a while, hating every word he’d said. They still didn’t think they deserved Evangeline’s love but that doesn't mean they couldn’t learn to. So they left their room to find Fen because Bell was right, as he always is. They didn’t have to look hard, they knew Fennelis well enough to know where they could be.
When Dora found Fennelis she seemed pissed, right about ready to go off at them. They stopped her straight away, “I’m sorry I wasn’t around, I know it doesn’t feel good, I'm well experienced with what you’ve given me. I had to think about some things. I want to say I’m sorry about it but I doubt this’ll affect you much. I don’t want to do it anymore.” Pandora finished ready to turn around and never walk back. “Do what?” Fennelis’ voice - a ringing alarm. “This! This thing. Whatever it is because it’s not a relationship!” Pandora didn’t expect to scream but well maybe there was pent up anger. “So what then Dora? You’re just going to leave? Leave me like every other person has? Did you even care in the first place?” Fennelis’ words shot to kill. Or maybe they just shot to trap Pandora.
Pandora didn’t answer, not because they were sad but because there were no words in the English language to cover these feelings. They walked away , leaving Fennelis in their past, hidden at the bottom of a box, buried under the garden they’ll build up with Evangeline.
_____________________
When Pandora found Regulus, he was sitting in an archway sketching with his legs draped across James. For someone who hates touch, Regulus was barely ever not touching James. “Reggie, you know French right?” Pandora spoke fast before their mind could convince them out of it, Pandora was forever in a race against their own mind. “I literally translated something for you like yesterday.” Pandora stared at him blankly waiting for a straight answer, “Yes Dora, I haven’t somehow forgotten French in the past few days.” He sighed but Pandora knew he’d answer the same question a million times over if it helped Pandora.
Retrouve-moi dans le Jardin
After getting Evan to deliver the letter as Ember - his animagus form - Pandora went to the school garden’s and waited. They didn’t give Evangeline a time, they saw no reason to. They’d sit on this step for weeks if that’s what she willed. But waiting days wasn’t necessary, Evangeline would never leave them there like that. She showed up 5 minutes after Dora. They never doubted she would.
Evangeline didn’t even wait to sit down before she started talking, “Okay, i know you’re really mad and I just wanted to say I’m sorry and you’re right, yesterday was horrible timing and I shouldn’t have done it and I-” Pandora cut her off before she talked herself to tears, “I’m not mad. I never was. I just got… scared? I don’t know.” Pandora trailed off not knowing how to tell her what they wanted, “Yeah, I think it was fear. I’m not really sure what I was scared of- I mean I have an idea but- but it’s murky? I know a part of me just didn’t want you to make a mistake, you know? I mean- I know you’re allowed to make your own decisions and some of those will lead to mistakes but-” “You’re not a mistake Dora. You never have been and I'll never let you be.” Evangeline insisted. “I know- I mean, I don’t KNOW but like, I know?” Pandora stopped and tried to get control over their thoughts, they’ve definitely lost the race with their mind. “I guess what I'm trying to say is- I broke up with Fen.” Pandora looked away, bracing for impact.
Evangeline just gaped at them, as if she was the one putting her heart on the line right now. “You didn’t have to do that for me, you know?” Evangeline consoled. “It wasn’t. Well it was but not just for you, It was for me too.“ Pandora was never very good at reassuring people, they never knew the right words to say, they doubted Evangeline knew what that felt like. “Does that mean you want what I want? Or have I missed something?” Evangeline cautioned. “I do, want what you want but- it’s not- it’s not love for me, yet. I want it to be. I want to love you more than I want anything on this earth, but I don’t yet. I don’t doubt that I will though, just not yet. And I know that might not be enough for you, trust me I understand that. You don’t have to do this if it isn’t enough for you.” Pandora affirmed.
“You don’t need to love me, Dora. I have loved you for longer than I can remember, there’s times in my life I look back on and I don’t even remember a single thing I did that year but I remember loving you still. So I'll love for the both of us, until you can too. And if you never can… I'll continue loving you, I've done it all this time, I can do it some more.” Evangeline said every word as if it was a lone promise.
“It doesn’t bother you?” Pandora lamented. Pandora knew they weren’t worth Evangeline’s love, especially not at the capacity she offered it. But still, Pandora willed her to say it doesn’t, they couldn’t handle it if she said no. “Dora, all I care is that I mean something… anything. signifier quelque chose pour toi est plus que n'importe quel amour qu'un autre pourrait me donner.” Pandora may never know what she said but it felt like they’d heard it loud and clear. Though, no matter what Evangeline said, Pandora would never see themself as worthy of her love, but they could learn to one day. Pandora was sick of Evangeline being the only one to try, so this time they would.
“Can I kiss you?” Pandora let their heart lay out in the air.
“You’re asking?” Evangeline faltered, “Of course I am.” “...no one has ever asked before… always just assumed I wanted it…” Evangeline’s voice wavered, “Have you?” Pandora asked, concern etched in their tone. “Sometimes.” each word stuttered with more uncertainty than the last. Pandora reached their hand up to the side of Evangeline's face, pushing a stray hair away from her eyes before resting their hands at the base of her neck, keeping her close. “You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want this one, Evie. I won’t take it, only give it.” Pandora lilted. Evangeline put her hand over Dora’s, holding it in place. She whispered a soft yes before placing her lips on theirs.
It wasn’t Pandora’s first kiss, but it felt as if it meant a thousand times more. “I know it’s sudden. I mean maybe it’s even wrong… if it is, i’d gladly be wrong for the rest of my life. What I'm trying to say- well I guess I've already said it before but, I want you Pandora.” a part of their brain was yelling at them to say no, to save Evangeline from themself, that they were too much. But Pandora was trying to lean against that, so instead they said something that part of their mind was thoroughly against. “Then have me… just promise you’ll keep me.” Evangeline pressed her forehead to Dora’s, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
They stood there for a while, just holding onto each other. Evangeline clasped onto Dora like a starved man, Pandora abided willingly. After a while Pandora had just pulled Evangeline into their arms and held her close. They stood there for so long Pandora was convinced there’d be vines holding them to the ground, their bodies would turn to stone and there they’d stay. Maybe Pandora did love Evangeline, they’d tell her, just not yet. The silence was too good. After years of not, Pandora believed in perfection, because there she laid, hair tangled through Pandora's fingers.