dead to me
Regulus hardly sleeps the night before returning to Hogwarts.
He knows for the next few months he’s going to be free, as free as he can get with his cousins relaying every move he makes to his parents. But regardless of this new found freedom, he still feels so trapped. All he wants to do is follow Sirius, run out that door for a final time and go straight to his big brother. His whole body is longing for his brother's embrace, to melt into his arms and hide there whilst Sirius strokes his hair and whispers platitudes like he did when they were 7 and 8 and Regulus had knocked a vase over in the hallways, or when they crept into each other’s beds after they had been punished by Walburga and sang lullabies holding each other as they silently sobbed and drifted off into sleep.
Because at the end of the day, Regulus is weak and he will always want his big brother.
He doesn’t blame Sirius exactly, in fact he’s not angry with him at all, he understands. But he knows that Sirius is going to be mad at him, he knew that the day that he was sorted into Slytherin and not Gryffindor, like the house he belonged to sealed his fate. He thinks that day was the last time Sirius hugged him and told him he loved him.
So no, Regulus did not sleep well last night knowing that he might see his brother today for the first time in 21 days and that his brother no longer thinks of the little sibling who got sorted into Slytherin thinking that was the worst decision Regulus could have ever made. No, he is now the brother who chose to follow his blood purist parents and sign his life away to a dark lord instead of following Sirius to the light. Regulus doesn’t think he’ll ever regret that choice as much as he does right now.
So as he steps onto the platform behind his parents and looks to see the familiar train waiting as excited kids jump on reuniting with their friends with happy smiles and childish innocence he straightens his back, holds his head high and wears a mask of indifference. Act as if they’re all below you, he tells himself as he turns to face his mother.
‘Regulus we expect great things from you this term’ Walburga snarls, not a hint of love defining her features. His father decides to join in then, ‘do not disappoint us, you are aware of the consequences’.
Regulus finds himself nodding, a reflex which he has no control of, some would call it a survival extinct.
With that Walburga and Orion Black turn around and disappear, making sure to push a mudblood out of the way whilst muttering filth under their breath.
Muggleborn, Regulus reminds himself. Sometimes it was scary just how much influence his parents had on him, he couldn’t even bear to look in a mirror anymore, too scared about who would be staring back at him. He knew he was becoming the person they wanted him to be and that thought alone chilled him to the bone and made nausea scratch its way up his throat. God he needed to get off this platform.
He slides his way onto the train, making sure that everyone knows exactly who he is. He walked down the corridors staring at the floor as he counted his steps until he reached his usual compartment. Counting helped calm him down, gave him something to focus on apart from the thoughts swirling through his head, poisoning his every move.
1
He’s trapped, he’s going to be stuck in this loop forever, there’s no way out,he’s stuck.
2
Wake up, hold your head up high, spit slurs, eat food, pledge allegiance to a dark lord, sleep.
3
Sirius, oh god Sirius. He’s never going to look at Regulus again, he’s lost his brother forever.
4
He needs to sit down, his body is screaming at him to rest, every bruise, every cut hurts like agony.
5
You can do this just a few more steps and you’re the—
Suddenly Regulus makes an impact with the floor and a white searing pain scorches him, he jumps up desperately trying to find the attacker who's also on the floor in a bundle of robes and lanky limbs and it’s …. oh it’s Remus Lupin.
‘Remus, who are you knocking over this time?’ shouts a voice from the inside of the compartment which Remus has exited.
Regulus would recognise that voice anywhere.
It was as if the universe was laughing at him because two seconds later Remus was staring at Regulus with regret and Sirius was poking his head out of the carriage, his face quickly morphing from amusement to pure cold rage. Regulus don’t think he’s ever seen his brother look so unforgiving and so full of hatred, not even when he was being tortured by their own parents. No, his parents not Sirius’ he has his own now.
That realisation shocks him back to reality and he hastily turns to Sirius before spitting out ‘keep your halfblood boyfriend away from me and never talk to me again’.
Sirius doesn’t even blink at this and just looks him straight in the eye and says five words. Five little words that shake Regulus to his very core.
‘You are dead to me.’