It had been almost a month since that fatal night, and Remus’ anger had yet to disperse. Even the smallest glance at Sirius brought him back to that morning in the hospital.
“Remus, listen, okay? I need you to let me explain what happened.” James had begged, making a pleading eye contact with his best friend.
Remus was confused and dazed, having just woken up in the hospital wing after a full moon that he had no memory of. All he remembered was he’d woken up alone in the shack, with none of the usual warming and comforting company that helped him breathe after falling back into his own body.
“James, what happened? Where were you all?”
He wasn’t going to cry, he couldn’t. Not when James was silently begging for the sensible Remus he had grown to hold to his heart like family.
“Sirius, he- Oh Remus he wasn’t thinking. He just wanted to get back at Snape, he didn’t think. He thought he wouldn’t even make it to the trunk of the Willow..” James trailed off, fiddling with his hands anxiously as he could no longer hold eye contact with the other.
James continued pleading, begging him to listen, to talk to Sirius, but it was all background noise. He felt betrayed, he felt more betrayed than he ever had in his life.
Snape had seen him. He had seen him at his worst, the one person he never wanted to see him like that. The person who could tell everyone as easy as telling them what the Potions homework was.
Sirius had allowed him to see Remus, and Remus felt as though he didn’t really know Sirius as well as he had previously imagined.
It was difficult, avoiding Sirius. Not only did they share a dorm, a friend group, multiple classes, but he was Sirius. He was near impossible to avoid, physically and mentally.
He was Sirius, who’s laughter echoed throughout the Gryffindor tower nightly. He was Sirius, who held a mischievous grin as his natural resting face. He was just Sirius, and knowing he had broken Remus’ trust in such an extreme way was the most painful thing Remus had ever experienced.
The month following the incident felt like a constant full moon. The anger and frustration replacing Remus’ blood was ever present, fuelling his every move, his breathing, his thoughts. He spent copious hours in the library, and when not there, he was wandering the castle, clutching the map in his hand as though it was his lifeline. The map was the only sure way of avoiding Sirius until the last possible moment before curfew. Multiple times, Remus had even considered sleeping in the hidden passageways he discovered in his first year.
With a sigh, he closed the book he was currently reading. He tried to push down the fact that it was one on Sirius’ favourite subject, Transfiguration, as he desperately needed to focus on his work. It was the only thing grounding him and preventing him from lashing out in ways that would harm not only him. He passed Madam Pince with a polite nod of thanks, which the woman returned before turning back to the parchment she was scribbling on to. The corridor’s seemed endless before him, but in some way he preferred it. The longer he could delay himself from returning to the tower, the better.
Unfortunately, as magical as Hogwarts was, the seemingly endless corridors came to an end, and he was soon climbing through the portrait hole. The common room was almost empty, save for a few NEWT students asleep on various sofas and armchairs across the room. If they weren’t there, the idea of sleeping in front of the fire seemed appealing, but Remus refused to allow Sirius’ recklessness to steal his comfort away from him. He could hear laughter from the dorm room, and upon opening the door it ceased so fast he thought he had imagined it ever being there. James was sprawled across his bed, with Sirius sat on an armchair beside him. Peter was sat at the foot of James’ bed, looking as though his laughter had caused him to be inches away from falling off.
Sirius deftly sat up in his seat, and Remus could feel his eyes following him as he collected his pyjamas and turned harshly on his heel to enter the bathroom. He heard hurried footsteps following him as he slammed the door behind him, this was painful enough without the gentle knocking on the door and Sirius’ careful voice echoing through the oak.
“Remus? Moony please, please can we talk. I’m sorry, I’m more sorry than I’ve ever been.” He pleaded, and it was too much for Remus to bear. He turned on the shower in hopes of sending Sirius away. When he heard the footsteps trailing away, and voices coming from the remaining pair on the other side of the door, he finally breathed. He forced himself into the shower, taking as long as he could before his skin pruned and he got uncomfortable under the scalding water. The dorm had gone quiet, and upon opening the bathroom door he discovered that all lights had been extinguished and all curtains had been drawn.
This was better, easier. If he didn’t have to see Sirius, it was easier. He climbed into his bed quickly, drawing the curtains with a flick of his wand and muttering a silencing spell. He didn’t want to hear Sirius, and he didn’t want Sirius to hear him as he let out a sob he had held in for so long.
Hearing Sirius beg to talk to him at the door, hearing the pain in the other's voice. It was too much. Sirius should feel bad. He should feel terrible. But why did Remus feel the same? It was not him who put his best friend and a fellow student’s life at risk. That was Sirius.
But God, why did it have to be Sirius. Why couldn’t it have been anybody else. That would be easier, it would be easier to be angry. He wouldn’t have to miss them. He wouldn’t have to miss their contagious smile, their ridiculous jokes that sent the lot of them into fits of laughter, their ridiculous dancing to the latest Bowie record. He wouldn’t have to miss the shared glances after they had spoken at night about their troubles. About family, about problems that they kept from James and Peter, secrets they shared that held so much importance that they had an unspoken promise to keep it between them after the first few.
Why did it have to be the boy he had so carelessly fallen for. The memories he had built up with Sirius over the past 5 years flooded his brain, and soon the sobs that racked his body sent him into a fitful sleep. He wished the Sirius in his memories was the Sirius he had now.
-
The following morning, Remus rose early. He often did, but pretended to sleep as long as possible to avoid Sirius. He spoke to James and Peter, of course. He laughed with them, they worked on homework together, they were their usual selves. For a limited time, until a black haired full moon entered the room, and silence was once again the natural state.
The morning had a chill about it, the cold turning Remus’ ears pink at the tips. He craved a warm shower, and pulled back the curtains to see all three beds were empty. It struck Remus odd at first, but then he realised James must have pulled them out of bed for an early quidditch practice, which he knew Remus would have hated. Remus appreciated him more than words could say. He approached the bathroom door, reaching for the handle to push it open, though at the same time it swung open, and he was met face to face with his full moon.
Sirius had a towel slung around his shoulders with only a pair of pyjama bottoms on, his wet hair curling around the ends. He stepped back momentarily, shock in his eyes. He definitely hadn’t expected Remus to be awake, and he blinked at the other boy before coming to his senses.
“Remus,” He began, before being cut off.
“I need a shower.” Remus interrupted bluntly, pushing into the bathroom.
Before he could turn and shut the door in the face of a very shocked Sirius, the other slipped through the gap and barrelled into the bathroom, pressing his back to the door heavily.
“No. No, you’re not avoiding me anymore. Please, Remus. Please, just listen to me.”
Remus could see the desperation in his eyes, but also the fire in them. The fire that caught him and set him alight every time he looked into them.
“Sirius,” But this time, the blonde was the one being cut off.
“No. You’re going to listen to me.” Sirius insisted, and Remus was too tired to argue.
Instead, he moved back, and collapsed onto the side of the bath, his head in his hands as he rubbed his face furiously. It was bound to happen eventually, it had already been around 3 weeks, and with the next full moon creeping up on him Remus was too exhausted to even attempt to argue. When Sirius remained silent, Remus looked up and gave him an expectant look, which shook the other back into his senses as he stood slightly more straight and cleared his throat.
“Remus, I,” Sirius paused, looking lost for words for a moment before continuing, “I’m so fucking sorry. And I know that’s such a shit thing to say and I know it probably means nothing considering what I did, but God I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know why I did it, I guess I was angry at Snape, which is a piss poor excuse I know. Trust me, I know there isn’t an excuse, but I regretted it as soon as it happened.”
He took a breath, clearly trying to recollect his emotions, and Remus just looked at him, that anger he knew all too well simmering up in him.
“Do you know what you could have done?” The blonde whispered, which pulled Sirius back to making eye contact with him. When Sirius couldn’t muster any words, he only grew angrier.
He stood up from where he sat, looming over Sirius.
“Do you know what you could have fucking done, Sirius? I could have killed him. I could have easily done it, you’ve seen my fucking scars. You, of all people, should know about those. I trusted you, I trusted you with a secret I never should have told anyone. I don’t care if you’re sorry, sorry doesn’t cut it this time. You’re so used to getting away with all the shit you pull, that you think everyone will just forgive. But, God Sirius, you’ve never been more wrong.”
He was yelling to begin with, but by the end his voice was quiet, threatening. Sirius cowered in front of him, completely speechless.
“I don’t know what ending you had in mind. That we’d hug it out? That I’d just forgive you and move on? There is no fucking end to something you did, that you started. Now get the fuck out of my way, Black. Don’t make this harder than it already is, and get it through your head that I will never trust you as much as I did.”
With a tone of finality, he shoved Sirius out of the way of the door, and stormed out into the dorm, pulling his bed curtains shut and casting a sticking charm to them.
The day was torture. Complete torture. Remus dragged himself through his classes, ignoring James’ questions about what had happened. Ignoring Peter’s inquiries about why Sirius looked as though he’d been crying. Ignoring Sirius’ stares.
And it continued, for weeks. The full moon passed, and once again he was alone. He declined James’ and Peter’s offer to join him, saying it was for the best. They accepted it with a nod and a kind smile. Sirius didn’t even attempt to ask, and Remus was glad. They maintained a distance between them, and it was the best thing for the pair. Until a Saturday night after a Quidditch match, where a party of celebration was in full swing in the Gryffindor tower.
Remus remained downstairs for a while, to be polite and to support James in the victory, before quietly sneaking to his room when James became distracted by Godric knows what. He sat down on his bed, grateful for the quiet of the empty room. It was unbelievably loud in the common room, with raucous cheers continuing into the night, and drunken giggles filling the room. It was a nightmare.
Remus had been settled on his bed with some homework for about an hour, when the dorm door swung open, and the first thing Remus smelt was the overwhelming smell of Fire Whiskey. He looked up, worried that James had gotten too drunk, but was instead met with a teary eyed Sirius Black. He sighed, and turned back to the parchment he was writing on. But that didn’t deter Sirius. Remus heard the door shut, and felt a presence looming beside him.
“What do you want, Black? I’m busy.” He mumbled, not taking his eyes off his notes.
“I miss you.”
That was the last thing Remus expected to hear, and out of pure shock he turned to stare at Sirius, whose face did not imply that a single lie had come out of his mouth.
“Remus, Remus I miss you so much.” Sirius repeated in a way that almost sounded like he was pleading with his friend. Yet, Remus couldn’t say a word, but rather resorted to simply staring in shock.
“I tried so hard to give you your space. I thought that, that maybe you’d want to talk eventually. But it’s been two months, two whole months, Remus. I keep seeing you and not knowing what to say, other than that it’s killing me. It’s killing me, Remus.”
Finally Remus spoke, cautiously,
“What is?”
Sirius choked on a laugh as he allowed the tears to slip from his eyes, before turning and pacing the room as Remus merely followed him with his eyes.
“Being around you. Being around you and knowing you hate me. Not that you shouldn’t hate me, I bloody deserve it! But fucking hell I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I just want to talk to you, but you keep turning me away. I just want to hear your voice in a way that isn’t pure hatred, Remus. I miss it.” He continued on, not stopping to breathe as he paced the room.
“Sirius, you’re drunk,” Remus attempted to respond calmly, but Sirius barked out a laugh.
“If you think I’m drunk, you should see James. And anyway, they say drunk words are sober thoughts, right?”
Remus just shook his head in confusion,
“Sirius, I don’t-”
“You don’t get it, right? ‘Course you don’t. I don’t know how to talk to you anymore. I don’t know what I am to you anymore. But I sure as hell know what you are to me, and that makes it so much fucking harder.”
At this, Sirius sat on the bed and fought back the cascade of tears. Remus couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe.
“I don’t hate you.” Is all he could muster the strength to say.
Sirius laughed, “Yeah, right.”
“No, Sirius. I don’t hate you. I tried so hard to, maybe I did. For a little bit. I hate what you did, I hate that you broke my trust. I fucking hate that you destroyed the one part of me I thought would never go away.”
Sirius looked up, confusion now on his face rather than Remus’.
What?”
“And you think I don’t get it. I know how difficult it’s been Sirius. Do you know how hard it is to see you and not be able to talk to you because I’m so hurt. I don’t fucking hate you, I’m so unbelievably upset at you, I could punch you right now, but I could never hate you. No matter how much I want to,” Remus caught his breath for a moment before continuing,
“I wish more than anything I could just keep you in my memories. That day, you ruined something. Something I never thought could be ruined that badly. I want to keep the memory of the Sirius before this. The Sirius that I trusted with every bone in my body.” Now Remus was crying.
And Sirius didn’t know what to do.
He didn’t know what to do, so he did the first thing he thought of. He stood up, and grabbed Remus and shoved his face in his chest, wrapping his arms around his shoulders like he was drowning and Remus was the nearest thing to keep him afloat. Remus grabbed him just as tight, and sobbed.
“I wish that you could just stay in my memories, but everyday I see you and my memories are ruined.”
Sirius simply clung to him, this was the closest they had been in a long time. They’d hugged before, but never like this. Never with this much behind it.
Sirius mumbled into Remus’ chest something that the other couldn’t quite catch, so the taller of the two shifted slightly to hear him better.
Rather than repeating what he said, Sirius just looked at Remus. He looked at him, and Remus saw the fire that he had grown so drawn to. It was his warmth.
A moment of quick, hasty movements, and Sirius’ lips were on his, and he was overtaken by fire and the taste of cigarettes on his lips. Memories flooded his every blood cell, filling him from head to toe as he kissed Sirius.
The full moon and the werewolf, a combination that never worked. But God, was it working.
After minutes, they pulled away and finally looked at one another. Both looked as confused as the other, so confused about how they were feeling. Remus knew he felt like this towards Sirius, he’d known for over a year now. In the back of his head, he’d sort of always known, for who could ever get enough of Sirius Black.
Sirius Black who was kissing him once again, Sirius Black who had ripped him to shreds because he was driven by his emotions.
Their foreheads pressed together moments later as they caught their breath, their eyes closed.
“I’m so sorry, Remus.” Sirius whispered, as though the apology was the most genuine one. The one that was truly meant for him.
And Remus believed him,
“I know. So am I.”