Three Months Clean
I stood in front of the door, hesitating to knock. I hadn't seen these people in years, what if they didn’t want to see me? What if they were mad at me for abandoning them? What if- my internal panic halted when the door suddenly opened and I was face-to-face with my older brother for the first time in years. We stared at each other, unblinking, unmoving.
“James! Hurry up and get the pizza! We’re hungry over here!” I heard an all too familiar voice call. Of course, I knew that they would be here. His voice is still the same as I remembered it all those years ago. I was beginning to doubt my decision to come today. It was so much so soon.
“Char,” James breathed, voice so quiet that I barely heard, much less the people inside celebrating. “Uh, are any of you expecting someone?” James called into the room behind him. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. No turning back now. Not that I ever had that option.
“Not that I know of.” My heart started beating even faster- if that was possible. “Why? Whose here?” His voice faded as he looked over James’ shoulder. He was just as beautiful as I remembered, if not more. “Charlie.” He said it as a fact. No hesitation in his voice. I can’t do this.
“What?” Sirius. I can do this. I can’t do this. Before I had time to doubt myself further a new voice came.
“Well,” Regulus drawled. I still haven’t breathed. I’m not sure if I even can anymore. “Are you going to let her in or leave her in the doorway?”
Nobody said anything as James moved from the doorway, allowing me to enter the room. I looked around, gaze lingering on their faces. They looked the same as they did three years ago, but now they held themselves differently, more confident. They looked healthy, not like I remember them looking. How they looked like they hadn’t slept in a week, and so skinny I could count their ribs if I wanted.
Sirius was the first to speak, always the assertive one, especially in difficult situations. And it was one, at least for me.
“What are you doing here?” I couldn’t tell if it was anger or anxiety in his voice.
“I invited her.” I noticed Regulus in the kitchen now. “I thought that she would like to celebrate with us. She accepted the offer.”
“I thought you were in Spain.” James’ voice was small. Tears came to my eyes.
“I, I lied,” I admitted
“Why?” I have never heard his voice filled with so much anxiety.
“I know you guys. Probably better than you know yourselves, at least I did at one point. The minute you heard I was back, and with… him, you would be on the first train out of London.” I would not cry. I haven’t cried in years. Not since everything.
It was Sirius now, god I hate feeling like this. Feeling so small, so insignificant.
“How… how did you and Regulus meet?”
“I have you guys on find my friends. Technically you all have me too, but I hid the app and turned off notifications.”
“That’s weird… and doesn’t answer the question.” I missed Peter most of all, he was my confidant.
“I did it years ago, before everything. I needed a way to keep track of you guys in case you were in danger. You always stayed together, moving around as a pack. When James started living here, it wasn’t hard to figure out something had happened. I cornered Regulus when he was out one day.” I can do this. Breathing is easier. I sound more confident than I feel.
I expected more questions but James had other plans. One minute I felt like melting into the floor and the next I was in the arm of my older brother. Fuck. Now I’m crying. At least I’m not the only one, I can feel James' tears on my neck. I forgot what his hugs felt like. That realization just made me cry harder.
“I missed you so much Jamie.” We finally pulled away, though not letting go of each other. His hand stayed on my shoulder as he took me in. This made everyone move and I was in another hug. Everyone just holding on to each other. I felt like I was 12 again crying because of some bullying at school.
Once we all pulled away James spoke again, his voice hesitant.
“How’s… How’s…” He took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure, “How’s… Harry?”
This was the last thing I thought he would say. My mouth may have even parted a little in shock.
“He’s good,” I nodded. “He misses you, he misses all of you,” I admit.
“He remembers us?” Remus sounded shocked. Not that I blame him- Harry was barely three the last time he saw the boys.
“I have pictures up in the house,” I admit, “He asked me who the people in the pictures were and I don’t believe in lying to children.”
“He… you told him?” James sounded terrified, probably thinking that Harry would never want to see him again.
“I told him that his father and his friends were very sick, and left so that we wouldn’t get sick either but that they are working very hard to get better so they can see him again. He askes how you’re doing all the time.”
James let out a breath, clearly relieved.
Before anyone could say anything else Regulus cut in.
“Well, this is a beautiful reunion but my legs are tired. Mind if we move to the living room?” With a chuckle, we all migrated and sat down. I chose the floor, sitting criss-cross-apple sauce. Surprisingly, Sirius and Remus sat on either side of me, just far enough that I could feel their presence, but not touching.
“Enough about Harry, we can talk about him later. I want to know how you’re doing Charls.” Peter always knew how to diffuse an uncomfortable situation.
“I’m good.” I smiled, “We’re living in Richmond.” I had to force myself to keep my gaze away from Remus and Sirius, that wasn’t a conversation for right now.
“Okay, Posh Girl.” Sirius joked, tension leaving the conversation with every word someone spoke.
“Sure, Trust Fund Baby.” I jabbed back. It was almost as if no time had passed. All of us falling into the same roles from all those years ago.