chapter 28 - cocaine and abel
but i refuse to believe
i i have to be
the same person i was born
when i die
cause change is alright
corvus makes her way into the cave easily.
too easily.
she knows it's too easy. she knows that this means her suspicions must be right, she is going to die in this cave.
she tries to bite down the fear trying to creep its way up her throat.
she tells kreature to take the locket and go. that she'll meet him back at grimmauld. that if anything happens, his first priority needs to be destroying that locket.
she's alone now. she's alone and she's scared and she doesn't want to die.
it's the first time she's questioned this whole plan since she thought of it. the first time she's stopped to really think about it.
she's scared. she's terrified.
her blood is running cold and her heart is pumping out of her chest.
she doesn't want to die. she's scared. she's alone. and she doesn't want to die.
she doesn't want to die with her brothers hating her. doesn't want to die with james hating her.
she lets the tears fall. doesn't bother fighting them.
she's terrified, but she thinks this is the bravest thing she's ever done.
she's finally making a good choice. finally making a difference. she needs this to make a difference.
“i don't want you to leave.”
“i know you don't, reg. but we'll be back before you know it, okay? and then next year, you'll get to come with us.”
“i don't want you to go. don't go.”
“we gotta go.”
“we love you, reggie. just, be good, okay? stay outta trouble.”
everything corvus black has ever done has been for the sake of her brothers. her friends.
“it was me. i broke it. punish me.”
her last decision she ever makes is finally for herself. finally, she does something selfish.
“crucio!”
she reaches her hand into her pocket, pulling out the small black box.
she opens it, grabbing the small piece of metal lying inside.
she brings it to her face, wrapping her hands around it and sobbing.
the pin sparkles in the darkness of the cave. she hears the moans of inferi at the rocks a ways from her feet.
“i'm out.” she whispers, crying with her forehead pressed against the prefect pin. “i got out, andromeda. i made the right choice. i'm doing the right thing. i am.”
the prefect pin that she's kept in the very back of her desk drawer, hidden from her parents, since she was six years old.
since her cousin ran away and gave her the first shred of hope that she ever had that maybe she could get out of this hell.
“i made it.” she sobs, clasping the pin onto the front of her robes that she's wearing. “i know sirius was always your favorite. i know i did messed up stuff. but i did it. i'm good. i swear, im good. i want to be good, andy.”
she buries her head into her knees, listening as the sounds of voldemort’s undead, underwater army make their way up the rocks, closer to her.
“please tell me i'm good.” she whispers, sobbing into the material of her pants, which she's almost certain belonged to regulus.
“you're living in a fantasy world! it's not going to get better. we're screwed, okay? we were born with blood on our hands. we were born with allegiance to the dark lord. the war isn't just going to stop for you, pandora. it's a joke.”
“you let them walk all over you. you'll do anything they tell you to because you're too scared to do anything else. well, you know what? you're going to die anyway. and when you do, you're going to die knowing that you're a bad person, corvus. you're my twin sister and i don't even recognize you anymore.”
“i don't care, corvus. i'm numb. i don't care that sirius is gone. i don't care that we're still here. i don't care.”
“they want us to get married.”
“i know.”
“guess we have to.”
“i know.”
“you wanna marry me, cor?”
“don't really have an option, do i?”
“neither of us do.”
“yeah. i know.”
“let's get married then.”
“alright, ev.”
corvus black lived an unimpressive life. she was weak. she was beaten. she was broken and scarred and bruised.
but she died for her brothers, just as she lived.
her death may have been small, unimpressive, to anyone else. but she knew why she did it. she knew that of all the things she had ever done, this was the most meaningful.
she gets dragged underwater, her skin being ripped apart by the undead army beneath her, with the knowledge that everyone she loves, regulus black, sirius black, evan rosier, james potter, will get to live long, impressive lives.
she gives her life for them, and she hopes one day, they will know that.
her life fades into blackness with the image james potter behind her eyelids.
“sometimes my forest is dark. the trees are sad, and all the butterflies have broken wings.”
“i have broken wings.”
“what's that mean?”
“means i should be able to fly away from you. let you go. but i can't. i'm holding myself back. i'm holding you back because you always have to carry me cause my wings are fucking broken.”
“i don't mind.”
“you will.”
“i won't.”
“trust me, james. you will.”
it's a saturday when james potter finds out that corvus black is dead.
he's engaged. he's getting married. lily is pregnant. he's going to have a son or daughter.
and yet, his earth still feels like it's shattering. he feels like he can't breathe.
“i'm not even living anymore. i'm just trying to fucking survive. survive in a world where she's not even mine anymore. maybe never even was.”
“she was, james. she was yours. i don't know why she did this. she let us all down.”
“i don't want to talk about this anymore, sirius. can we just, talk about something else?”
“so, hogwarts graduation is coming up.”
he wants to rip his limbs off. wants to tear his body apart. how can the earth keep spinning when corvus black is dead.
~~~
james gets her letter on a monday. he feels like he's mourning her all over again, and he never even got through it the first time.
“i just feel like i give everyone every part of me, and a lot of times, i don't even get close to a fraction of it back from them.”
“you don't have to be the sun for people who don't appreciate your light, james. you're allowed to be indifferent.”
“yeah. i just have a bad habit of not knowing how.”
james tries to fight off voldemort without a wand.
he has a lot of thoughts going through his mind before the curse hits him.
first, of course, there's lily and harry. he hopes they made it out. hopes he gave them enough time.
then, there's sirius. he doesn't know how he's going to make it once he finds out james is dead.
and then remus. who's going to get home from an order mission to his best friend being killed by voldemort.
and peter. what's happened to him? is he okay? where is he? what did they do to him?
and, shockingly, or not at all, the last thing that crosses his mind before the life leaves him is corvus black. his first love. his firework.
because like a firework, they burst into flames. but at least for a while, they were pretty to watch.
maybe this time, they'll reunite. become pretty again.
ashes scattered across the ground. swept up nearly into a bucket. together once more.