chapter 17 - if i killed someone for you
just let me explain
no, i wouldn't tell you lies
i know you'll understand
if you let me stay the night
“because he's fucking annoying.” barty groans.
“that doesn't mean you can just be an asshole to him, b.” evan argues, a fond smile on his face.
“oh, come on. lockheart needs to be taken down a few pegs anyway. he thinks he's better than everyone. bloody narcissist.”
“okay, bart.” corvus huffs a laugh, lying back onto reg’s bed. “weren't you meeting up with dorcas?”
“oh, fuck. i forgot.” barty jumps up from his bed, haphazardly putting his shoes on. “see you guys.”
“see ya.” evan laughs, getting up to lay next to corvus on regulus’ otherwise empty bed.
he nudges her shoulder, making her look over at him.
“how are you? really.” he asks, face soft. kind, in the way evan almost always is.
it still surprises her sometimes. evan’s kindness.
he's one of the nicest people she's ever met in her entire life.
barty is harsh and truthful. to the point, even if it means he's being mean.
evan has never been like that. he isn't built for it.
“i'm good, ev.” corvus assures sincerely, biting back a smile.
evan notices anyway, pulling at the side of her lips, a wide smile appearing onto his own face.
“wow, you really are good.” he teases, and corvus slaps his hand away.
“shove off.” corvus breathes, though she's still smiling.
“who is it?” evan asks once they've both settled down, suddenly serious again.
“hm?” corvus asks, looking over at the light haired boy again.
“who's the person who’s got our cor all happy?” evan reiterates, and corvus feels herself tense. “oh, come on, don't think i haven't noticed. you had a fucking hickey last week, corvus.”
“you don't want to know.” corvus says instead of denyin, looking up at the ceiling.
“cor, if they're making you happy, i couldn't care less who it is.” evan informs, leaning over so he's looking over her, blocking her view of the ceiling.
corvus lets out a breath, every fiber in her being screaming for her not to do what she's about to.
but it's evan. if there's anyone she can tell about this, it's evan.
“it's james potter.” she forces out, tensing her eyes closed. “i'm seeing james potter.”
evan is silent for what feels like years. corvus can feel his eyes on her face, trying to take her in.
evan’s eyes have always seemed capable of burning holes. where he's kind in his wide smiles and his words, he can be cruel in his eyes.
“you know i don't like him.” he finally breaks the silence, causing corvus to open her eyes. “i really don't. but these past couple months have been the happiest i've seen you in years. so if he's the cause of that, i guess i can live with it.”
corvus looks at him, tears building in her eyes that she absolutely hates.
“i just hope he knows that he's in the grave if he hurts you.” evan continues, a small smile playing on his lips. “and i mean that.”
“i know you do.” corvus laughs, and it's far more wet than she would like it to be.
“hey.” evan mutters, bringing her into his arms.
it's rare that evan is the one to initiate contact between the two of them. he will initiate it with anyone else. but corvus and regulus, he lets them come to him. he knows that touching can sometimes be taking when it comes to the two of them. so he's very careful not to take.
“i'm happy for you, cor.” he whispers, gently running his fingers through her hair, his other hand rubbing soothing circles on her back.
“i love him.” she says, choking it out like it hurts. maybe because it does.
“i'm glad.” evan replies simply, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
“i love you, evy.”
“i love you too, cor.”
it feels lighter, evan knowing. having it out there. at least to someone.
it feels like she can breathe. like her entire life, she's been drowning.
james potter lifted her out of the water. telling evan was like receiving cpr.
the water is out of her lungs. she can breathe again.
loving james potter is one of the best feelings corvus black has ever had.
her entire life has felt so dark. and then came james.
james potter lights corvus like a flashlight in the forest.
she doesn't think she's ever loved anyone as much as him. doesn't think she ever will.
people always describe love as falling. corvus doesn't really understand that.
she didn't fall in love with james. she just slammed into it. like a car with a broken brake.
one second she hated him. and the next, he was her entire world.
she doesn't know what she's going to do when it's over. she knows it's going to have to end eventually. the world isn't meant for people like james potter to love people like corvus black.
someone so light isn't meant to love someone so dark.
eventually, she'll dull his light with her own darkness.
she should've ended this before it started.
she should've pushed him away the first time he ever tried to step close to her.
she should've never spoken to him in the first place.
should've should've should've.
she doesn't really know why she didn't. the only reason she can think is that the only time she feels safe in her own skin is when james is looking at it. touching it. kissing it. it's the only time she doesn't want to crawl out of her body.
there's something about james. something indescribable.
he's warmth. he's home. he's love.
he’s christmas morning. crimson fireworks. birthday wishes.
james potter is the sun.
it's one of the days that corvus can't stand being touched.
she's sitting on the windowsill, staring out at the snow falling onto the ground outside, james on the chair at the other end of the room.
they're silent. they've been silent for the past two hours.
it's nice. not having to talk.
she's never had anything so… natural. so easy. with james, it's always easy. always natural.
“we get to spend christmas together.” james breaks the silence, the smile apparent in his voice.
corvus doesn't bother telling him that they don't actually get to spend christmas together, too secretly pleased by the obvious joy the idea brings to him.
maybe one day. she thinks to herself, because she wouldn't dare say it aloud. maybe one day we'll be able to survive together in this world.
instead, she breaks her eyes away from the window, walking over to james’ chair.
“are you-” he starts, eyes becoming wide as corvus drops herself onto his lap.
“it's okay.” she whispers, wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her head in his shoulder, breathing him in.
he smells like the forest. like he always does. eucalyptus and bonfires in the summer.
barty has bonfires at his house every summer. corvus has always loved them. the burning wood and the light laughs. the small talk and the friendships encapsulated in the air around them.
not many things in corvus’ life before james have been good, but bonfires at barty’s were always one of the good things.
watching his mum use magic to start it up. his dad letting them each drink one glass of firewhiskey. the way barty, evan, dorcas, pandora, and regulus all seem suddenly lighter. like they're weightless. all of the heaviness of their lives evaporates into the air around them.
“i love you.” james whispers, forehead pressed against the top of corvus’ head, face buried in her hair.
“you are all i ever wanted love to be.” corvus replies, pressing gentle kisses to james’ shirt covered shoulder blade. “loving you is like watching the sunrise after sitting in the dark. i love you today, tomorrow, forever.”
corvus feels james’ breath hitch as he pulls her closer.
“you say stuff like that to me like it's easy.” he says, running his hands along her back.
“it's not.” she replies without a beat. “it hurts. loving you hurts.”
“i don't want to hurt you.” james says, suddenly pulling away to look her in the face, eyes wide and fearful.
“everything hurts me, jamie.”
james makes a pained face, pulling corvus close to him again.
“i never want you to hurt. i never want to be the reason you're hurting.”
“i know. and you're not.” corvus assures, tugging gently on his dark curls. “that's just how i am.”
because loving james feels like stepping on the shattered pieces of corvus’ broken heart, while simultaneously putting them back together.
loving james hurts. but it also heals.
and maybe that makes it worth it.