chapter 8 - hard to be human
there wasn't a thought in my head
but it never lasts
i just fall right back
corvus black has gotten used to being second best to james potter. really, she has.
the moment her and sirius set foot onto the hogwarts express in their first year, she became second best.
she watched them be best friends for years. become brothers. be everything together that sirius and corvus used to be. everything some part of her wishes they still were.
but it's different here. in the potter’s house. in the house that holds james potter and sirius black every minute of every day.
and it's not something corvus can avoid. here, she can't just go to her own house common room. she can't just hide away in the shelter of the dungeons.
they're watching a movie. the potters have an old muggle vhs player and old disney movies. corvus truly has no idea what any of that means, but mr and mrs potter are insistent that they have movie nights at least once a week.
like a family they had said.
which felt so odd to corvus. because that's not what she's used to a family being. she's used to a family yelling and hitting and she's used to hiding away. not bonding time and gentle guidance and assurance.
to say the least, she's still getting used to the care that both mr and mrs potter have been giving her.
and right now, she has a front row seat of being second best. she's sitting next to regulus, james on the other side of her and sirius next to him.
james and sirius are huddled close together, laughing and making comments at every little thing. it reminds her of regulus and barty. but when, with them, she would usually hide a fond smile, this just makes her feel nauseous.
this reminds her of all the time she fought for sirius’ attention after being sorted into slytherin. reminds her that james got the twin brother that she lost the moment he came into the picture. the moment he decided he loved james potter more than corvus black.
“i'm gonna go to bed. i'm pretty tired. couldn't sleep much last night.” corvus pipes up, standing off of the couch and scratching at the back of her hand.
mrs potter pauses the movie as everyone’s eyes go to her. james’ gaze goes to corvus’ hands, a small frown plastered on his face.
“oh, okay, dear. we can finish this tomorrow.” mrs potter says, putting down the remote and moving to stand up.
“no. you guys finish it. reg’ll catch me up.” corvus brushes off, turning and heading to the guest room she's currently staying in.
she exhales and leans against the closed door, banging her head against it a couple of times before closing her eyes and just resting her head against the door instead.
there's a knock on the door and she jumps up, running her hands along her face to compose herself.
“it's okay. it's just me.” regulus’ voice comes from behind the door. he's always been able to pick up when corvus is on edge, even through different rooms.
“hey.” she sighs as she opens the door and sits down on the edge of the bed.
“hey.” regulus replies softly, shutting the door and sitting next to her. “you alright?”
“define alright.” corvus huffs, laying back on the bed.
regulus doesn't answer, just goes silent and does as she does, staring up at the blank ceiling.
“they want to take us to diagon to get more stuff to decorate with. they say we didn't bring enough.” regulus informs after a moment of silence.
“yeah.” corvus acknowledges, closing her eyes when they start feeling too wet.
“it's weird.” reg continues, and corvus can practically see the scrunch in his nose, even with her eyes closed. “they hated it when we tried to do anything to our rooms.”
“or ourselves, for that matter.” corvus chimes in, huffing a laugh because she knows just who this ‘they’ that he's referring to is.
“it feels like suffocating.” corvus croaks after another long beat of nothing, her voice far too crackly for her liking, but she continues anyway. “like i'm underwater, and my initial instinct is to take a breath, but my lungs just fill with water. and they burn and i'm coughing but nothing will help, because my head is just pinned there. i keep breathing in water and my body just can't handle it. cause we're not built to inhale water. but there's nothing else there. i can't fucking breathe here, reg.”
and it's true. she can't even hear herself think in this house. her ears are full of the kindness and gentle embrace of these people that still burn.
because they have family disney movie nights. and they dye hair. and they talk about quidditch. and their love is overwhelming. and corvus can't breathe.
and she's crying. she knows she's crying. she can feel the hot tears escaping her closed eyes, no matter how hard she tries for them not to. no matter how hard she pushes down on her eyelids to stop the tears from building, they keep cascading down. like a dam that's been put under so much pressure, and it's finally cracking.
“cor.” regulus coos, dragging corvus close to him and wrapping her in his arms.
she falls into them. collapsing against him as she tries to take ragged breaths.
“i know coming here was the right decision. it was right. i- i know that. but i just can't fucking breathe. i'm choking on water, regulus.”
“okay, okay. lift your head.” regulus guides, his voice soft but still filled with worry.
“i can't.” corvus gasps, suddenly crying harder than she thinks she ever has.
she hates that regulus is seeing this. that he's the one dealing with this.
their entire lives, corvus has been the one to hold regulus through his struggles. wipe away his tears. their whole life, she hasn't broken down in front of him. not once.
“tell me what to do. i don't know what to do.” he pleads, sounding teary himself, which just makes corvus choke out even more gut wrenching sobs.
corvus can't form a coherent response to this. it's all a mess of hyperventilating breaths and pained noises she isn't even aware she's making.
she doesn't realize when the door opens and four more people enter the room, clearly drawn in by the loud cries from the girl inside.
“darling, hey.” mrs potter mutters, turning corvus’ body towards her and resting her hand on her shoulder.
corvus reels back, her eyes now wide, though she can't see anything with the tears blurring her vision.
“don't touch me.” she croaks, pulling her knees into her chest and letting out another sob. “don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch- don't- don't- don't- don't-”
she trails off, unable to speak anymore.
the world around her goes fuzzy. she can't focus on anything. she thinks she hears sirius’ voice whispering heatedly to regulus, but she can't make out any of the words.
at some point, mr potter also tries consoling her, only to spring her into further hysterics and pull herself back against the wall as she flinches away from him.
everyone's touch burns right now. and she can't breathe. and she doesn't know what to do. how to stop this. how to lift her head and stop choking on the water filling every inch of her lungs.
because evan isn't instructing her on taking breaths. and barty isn't kneeling in front of her to hold her hand. and pandora isn't running her hands through her hair. and dorcas isn't flirting with her to keep her distracted.
her friends are nowhere to be found. and right now, she's as good as back at grimmauld.
she can practically hear her mother screaming at her in the forefront of her mind. can feel the harsh pain of the cruciatus curse filling her limbs. can sense lucius’ firm grip searing into her skin.
she can see her mother who wants nothing less than perfection. who will use force to gain it.
her father who loves her enough to listen to her stories about quidditch games and potions class, but who doesn't care enough to fight for her.
she can see her little brother who's scared and smaller than her, depending on her, counting on her to keep him safe.
she can see her twin brother choosing james potter over her. choosing the sibling he wishes he had been born with. walking away. not turning back.
she can see sirius black being madly in love with remus lupin. in love enough to leave her behind.
she can see james potter pining over lily evans.
she can see a war on the horizon. her friends who will most likely be forced into being on the ‘bad guys’ side, even though she's not entirely sure who that is anymore. she's not sure she ever had been.
she can see a choice that will most definitely tear her to pieces, and she can see herself still not sure of whose side she will pick.
and nobody is fighting for her. nobody is choosing her before anyone else. and with that though, everything fades to black.