one point perspective

i'm only honest when it rains

an open book with a torn out page

corvus black is now having one of the most uncomfortable breakfasts she's ever had in her life. 

and given her upbringing, that's saying something.

james is smiling and happily eating his cinnamon and sugar toast like nothing is wrong. which makes corvus’ blood boil. because how could his favorite be her favorite too? how could he give her one more reason for it to be hard to hate james potter?

sirius is staring intently at his plate, not looking at anyone. he never did that at grimmauld place. he was always looking up, some sort of defiance ever present in his eyes.

regulus looks stiff. he looks stiff and uncomfortable in the way he almost always does. like he thinks he doesn't fit in his skin. like it's pricking him from the inside out, getting ready to burst. 

regulus is almost never comfortable. never has been. he always looks like he's getting ready to run at any moment. preparing all his possible escape routes, waiting for the moment to arise.

but it doesn't. the breakfast table is quiet and awkward. sirius and corvus’ conversation this morning ringing silently in the air between all six of them.

“so, i was thinking about bringing you and regulus out clothes shopping in diagon alley today.” mrs potter finally breaks the silence, causing corvus’ eyes to dart to her.

“you don't have to do that.” corvus shakes her head, her voice quiet. though, it usually always is.

“oh, forget it.” mrs potter waves off, continuing to casually eat her breakfast. “i can look with you, corvus, and monty here can take regulus.”

regulus goes even more stiff beside corvus, his face paling.

regulus has always hated being around older men. especially ones he doesn't know well. corvus knows where that fear comes from. it works its way deep into her skin and her brain, planting itself there and setting fire. 

corvus is the opposite. she finds comfort in males. maybe it's a subconscious thing. 

when her brain goes to females, it goes to bellatrix and walburga. harsh and sharp and cruel. breaking their way into her head and forcing their way into her skin.

when it goes to males, however, she thinks of her father and her friends. she thinks of gardening and quidditch. soft, careful smiles, and lively, free laughs.

men aren't usually sharp in corvus’ mind. they are usually soft and kind. 

“i can go with mr potter.” corvus pipes up, causing mrs potter to look at her curiously. “reg can go with you and i could go with mr potter. if that's alright.” 

“why, of course that's alright.” mr potter assures, wide smile on his face that somehow reminds corvus of her father.

not that her father is a good man, he's not. well, corvus isn't exactly sure what a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person is, but she knows her father isn't perfect. 

but when she thinks of her parents, she doesn't think of them as a pair. a set. she thinks of them as their own solitary identities. 

her mother is the cruel one. the sharp one. 

her father is just the one who doesn't seem to care enough to dull her edge.

or just isn't brave enough, maybe. 

corvus knows what it's like to not be brave enough. to be labeled as ‘bad’ just because she doesn't have the strength to get out. 

if it wasn't for regulus, she doesn't think she would have ever gotten out. she would have never cared enough to. 

maybe that makes her just like her father.

maybe that doesn't bother her as much as it should.

“james, sirius, you could come along if you like.” mrs potter offers, smile still apparent on her face.

that is one thing corvus has noticed in the few hours she's been at the potter’s house. they're always smiling. like smiling is ten thousand times easier to them than anything else. she hates it.

“yeah.” james pipes up, causing sirius to shoot him a glare. “i'll tag along with dad and corvus, and sirius can go with mum and regulus.”

“perfect. we'll get ready after breakfast.” mrs potter announces, digging right back into her meal.

corvus wants to crawl out of her skin. she feels prickly and hot and uncomfortable. this house is far too warm for her. the heat makes her uncomfortable.

maybe that's why she hates james potter so much. he radiates heat and warmth. he shines so bright that you can't hide from the warmth he projects. it makes corvus itchy and it feels suffocating. 

she's not used to warmth. she's used to the cold. to sharp looks and cold words. 

the warmth hurts. 

and the potter family is full of warmth. 

“alright, where to first?” mr potter asks, strolling down the street of diagon alley.

corvus is standing far off to his right side, james close to her on her other side. she can practically feel his warmth. it's strangling her.

“how about madam malkins?” james suggests after a moment of silence, taking the hint that corvus isn't going to speak.

“sounds good. though, we should find somewhere with more summery clothes. you must be dying in that, corvus.” mr potter adds, gesturing to corvus’ heavy black sweatshirt, which she's pretty sure is actually barty’s.

“uh, no, i'm fine. i tend to run cold.” corvus lies.

truth is, she is dying in what she's wearing. she hates feeling warm. but she hates showing herself even more.

she's always wearing long sleeves. clothes that cover as much of her as possible. 

it's part of the whole hating her own skin thing. it also has to do with the crawling out of her skin thing.

sometimes, even though she knows it's not possible, she thinks that maybe, one day, if she tries hard enough, she will be able to crawl out of her skin. 

if she scratches and pulls enough, maybe it'll loosen it just enough to escape. 

it's unreasonable, really. and it always just ends up leaving angry red scratch marks that her friends would most certainly get worried about if they could see. 

but she continues to do it anyway. because maybe one day it'll work. maybe one day she won't hate the body she lives in. maybe one day she'll manage to get out of it. 

“oh, come on. at least try some things on.” mr potter urges as they enter the clothing store. “if you don't like anything, we don't have to get it.”

“i can try some things on too, if you don't wanna be the only one.” james offers with a kind smile. a smile that has corvus needing to look away. it pierces through her skin and burns a hole into her.

“sure.” she agrees anyway, because that might actually just help.

“alright, give me a little fashion show.” mr potter smiles, sitting down on one of the chairs in the shop and opening a magazine.

and they do. and corvus wants to disappear the entire time. james does an over the top spin and catwalk every time he emerges from the dressing room, which makes corvus have to stifle the smirk trying to work itself onto her lips.

she supposes it does make her feel a bit better. to not have all the attention solely on her. mr potter laughs brightly and claps excessively every time the two of them come out in new outfits.

she can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy deep in her chest. jealousy that james gets this every day. his parents practically worship the ground he walks on. and as soon as sirius ran to their house, they treated him no different.

it sends a spike of cold running through her, making her chest sting.

it's not fair. is all she can think. 

why does james potter get the greatest, most accepting, kind parents in the universe, and regulus, sirius, and herself get walburga and orion.

it's not fair.

after trying on clothes, and corvus getting about ten new sweatshirts, james and corvus go to get ice cream while mr potter handles some work thing.

 “what flavor do you want? i can, go get it and you can wait out here.” james offers, standing up from the table and taking out a handful of sickles.

“uhm, mint chocolate chip is fine.” corvus informs, avoiding eye contact.

“alright. be right back.” james calls, running into florene fortescue’s. 

“cor?” a voice causes corvus to break her eyes away from the table she's sitting at, locking eyes with a familiar brown haired boy.

“ev!” she calls, standing up and immediately enveloping the boy in her arms.

“hey.” evan replies wearily, though he still wraps his arms around her with no hesitation, nudging his head to his left. “bart’s here too.”

“hey, barty.” corvus greets, not breaking away from evan.

“as much as i'm loving watching this whole hugging thing, why are you hugging him, cor?” barty asks, seemingly just as confused as evan.

“just miss you guys.” corvus says softly, burying her head in evan’s shoulder as he runs his hands up and down her back.

“hey, what's going on?” evan asks softly, pulling away slightly to look corvus in the face, wearing a worried expression.

she darts her eyes to her feet, suddenly feeling small under her friend’s gaze.

“i don't wanna talk about it.” she almost whispers, crossing her arms over her chest.

“you don't have to.” barty assures, gently squeezing corvus’ shoulder.

“i didn't know if you wanted a cup or a cone, so i just got you a cup.” james’ voice comes from a few feet behind corvus and the other two boys. “oh, hey.”

“thanks, james.” corvus says, awkwardly taking the cup of ice cream from his hands. “want some?” she asks, turning back to evan and barty.

evan and barty aren't looking at the ice cream corvus is offering them. instead, their eyes are both intently on the brown skinned boy in front of them.

evan looks back at corvus, giving her a knowing look. 

“we've gotta go. bart’s father is waiting for us.” he says, wrapping her in his arms again, before gently whispering into her hair. “be safe, okay? i love you, cor.” 

“love you too, ev.” corvus whispers back, her eyes suddenly beginning to sting.

“bye, cor.” barty says, also giving corvus a hug. “write to us. all the time, okay. send maverick over. we love seeing him.”

“alright, bart.” corvus laughs weakly, her eyes becoming wet.

“none of that. we'll talk later, okay?” he says, gently wiping at her cheek, even though there's nothing there to wipe away. “love you, cor. take care.”

“love you too.” 

the two boys give her one more soft look before walking away, talking to one another in low, quiet voices.

“hey, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to, i don't know, mess anything up there.” james apologizes, scratching at the back of his neck. 

“nah, it's fine.” corvus waves off, blinking her eyes. “they're just kinda like that. don't like interacting much with other people.”

“you guys have that in common.” james comments, a smile that corvus can't decipher on his face.  

“shove off.” she scolds, gently shoving the boy’s arm.

james just sits there, looking at corvus and smiling softly.

“alright, now you just look creepy.” corvus deadpans, rolling her eyes.

james laughs, going back to his ice cream.

corvus feels a pull in her chest. 

james potter has always shone too bright for her. 

not fair. not fair. not fair.