Twisted Fascination

I was more than eager to arrive five minutes early to the History of Magic classroom on Thursday. I waited for three minutes before Lupin showed up, looking as worn out as usual.

"Hello there, Colton," he greeted as he opened the door to the History of Magic classroom. He motioned for me to follow him, which I gladly did. "I'm sorry to say, but I don't exactly have a real dementor for you to practice against. I had Harry use a boggart, as his boggart is a dementor, but…" He trailed off as he flashed me a nervous smile.

"I understand," I said, not wanting to deal with Lockhart's face ever again.

"Good, now, you brought your wand?" When I pulled my wand, Lupin nodded in approval. "Excellent. I'll demonstrate how to perform the spell first." He pulled out his own wand before him and exclaimed, "Expecto Patronum!" From the end of his wand came a silver apparition. It appeared as though a wolf had come from the end of his wand and ran around the classroom before disappearing entirely.

I stared with wide eyes. "I - can Harry do that?"

"Not yet," Lupin answered, "His Patronus is non-corporeal as of now, just making a silver shield of sorts."

"Will all Patronuses be wolves?" I inquired.

"Oh, no," he waved off with a grin, "Each Patronus is an animal that represents the person casting it."

I hummed softly.

"Now, I want you to think of your happiest memory," Lupin instructed.

I stared owlishly before trying to think of when I had been the happiest in my life. I finally nodded once, ready to attempt the Patronus Charm.

"Good, now, point your wand and try it," Lupin directed.

I held my wand out, thought of the time I had finally managed to get away from Vernon and his disgusting family by boarding the Hogwarts Express, and said, "Expecto Patronum."

Nothing happened. Not even a shred of silver came from the end of my wand.

I felt myself flush in embarrassment.

"It's quite alright," Lupin assured me, "Most people can't make a Patronus their first time. Try a different memory."

I frowned as I tried thinking up a different memory that genuinely brought me joy. I hesitated before saying, "That was pretty much my happiest memory."

"What memory was it?" Lupin inquired.

"When I first got onto the Hogwarts Express," I said as I shied away from his curious look. "I finally felt liberated, so I thought…" I flushed once more as I pointedly looked at the tip of my wand. "Well, I suppose I need to sort through my memories and find something happier."

"Not all happiest memories are ones like that," Lupin mused aloud, "My happiest memory was…" He hesitated before waving his wand, casting a quick Privacy Charm. "When Sirius and James, your father, found out that I was a werewolf, they didn't shun me. Instead, they offered to become animagus to help me through those terrible nights." The man gave a bright smile as his eyes seemed to lose their focus. "My happiest memory is when they first became animagi and spent the night with me while I was under the effects of my curse."

"That must have meant quite a lot to you," I mused aloud.

"It did, more than you could ever know." Lupin sighed heavily before straightening up. His gaze returned to me, and he said, "Has anything like that happened at Hogwarts - anything where you felt genuinely accepted for the first time?"

I frowned as I looked down at my wand. "I mean… I'm not exactly close friends with the other Slytherins, but we third-years decided to set aside our petty differences after the - er - the lesson with the boggart."

Lupin openly cringed upon remembering how badly his first lesson with us third-year Slytherins went.

"Anyway," I said as I straightened up, "Let me try again."

Lupin nodded silently, a motion that indicated that I should attempt the Patronus Charm once more.

I raised my wand up and focused on the feeling of sitting with the other Slytherins, talking about our differences. I took in a deep breath to steady myself before saying loudly, "Expecto Patronum!"

Once again, nothing happened.

I frowned deeply as I realized that I'd need a significantly happier memory if I was going to make the most basic of shields against a dementor.

"Let's meet here again in a week," Lupin suggested, "It will give you time to really think."

I begrudgingly nodded. "Yes, sir."

He gave a reassuring sort of smile before dismissing me for the night, dropping the Privacy Charm before he did so.

I frowned deeply as I walked down to the Slytherin common room, not having the faintest idea what my happiest memory could be. I briefly entertained the idea that I simply didn't have a happy enough memory, but quickly dashed that thought.

If Harry could make a Patronus, surely I could as well.

With that thought in mind, I decided to not do any more homework for the night. I instead laid down in my bed and attempted to sort through memories to find one that was genuinely happy in nature.

§Have you ever thought that you do not experience happiness the same way that other people do?§

I frowned at the voice in my head. I opened my eyes, and I saw the room the Dark Lord was confined in while in my mind. I sat up and asked, §I'm human, just like everyone else. How could my happiness be any different from theirs?§

§Do you remember how, in your first year, you took the utmost glee in knocking Nott down a peg?§ The Dark Lord questioned as he sat across from me in his usual chair.

§Yes,§ I confirmed, §It is something I now regret, knowing what I do about his father…§

§But you do happen to recall the thrill of seeing your side of events in the newspaper, do you not?§ He questioned.

I nodded slowly. §That's not the type of happiness that most people approve of.§

§It doesn't matter what others think. For the sake of a Patronus Charm, it's how you feel,§ the Dark Lord reasoned.

I thought about it for a moment before saying, §I could attempt the spell again with that memory, but I doubt it will do anything.§

§What about when you crushed Lockhart's knee?§ The Dark Lord suggested.

§I was furious at the man,§ I pointed out.

§And yet, when the newspaper came out, you boasted about how you managed to use your magic to do such a thing,§ the Dark Lord stated.

I remained silent for a second or two before nodding. §Yes, I could see how that was a happy memory of mine.§

The man across from me gave a rather handsome smirk. §Good. Now, get some actual rest.§

§Yes, sir,§ I replied before laying back down and closing my eyes. I was quickly lulled to sleep by the crackling of the fire in my mind. When I awoke next, I was in my four-poster bed, having kicked all my covers off. I scowled at that before slipping out of bed. I was quick to grab a change of clean clothes before heading off to the showers. After that was done, I put my dirty clothes in the clothes basket and headed out to the room I shared with the other third-year boys. I made sure to organize my bag for the day before heading out to the common room.

There was no one there, as expected.

I held in a heavy sigh as I sat down before the fire. I pulled out my wand and pointed it at the fire. I closed my eyes and thought of the time I saw Lockhart's leg in the newspaper. I then opened my eyes and said, "Expecto Patronum."

Nothing happened. Not even a shred of silver came from the end of my wand.

I scowled deeply as I realized I probably wouldn't be able to cast such a Light Charm. I checked the time before deeming it safe to head out, as curfew had been lifted three minutes prior. I wandered up to the Great Hall and took my usual seat at the table. I served myself some porridge and began to eat it, though I wasn't exactly pleased as I did so. Once I finished eating my fill, I went to the library to work on my History of Magic essay.

Eventually, the time to leave for the first class came along.

I abandoned my work in the library to go to Charms.

The other ten third-year Slytherins were all there and seemingly waiting, as was Flitwick.

I sat down in my usual seat, not at all abashed to be sitting down right before the bell rang. I forced myself to pay attention, pinching myself every time I realized my mind had drifted back to my failure at the Patronus Charm. I had several crescent-shaped marks on my left forearm by the time class ended.

The next class was Transfigurations.

I was only marginally more successful at keeping my focus on the lesson. I left the classroom behind as soon as I could, heading over to my Ancient Runes class. There I forced myself to keep focused, not wanting to miss even a second of the Runes we were learning that day.

Once that class ended, it was time for lunch.

I bit back a heavy sigh as I poked at my food. Why am I not successful? Is happiness something I have a hard time grasping?

§As I said earlier, not everyone experiences happinesses the same way.§

I frowned deeply before thinking, §What is your happiest memory?§

The Dark Lord remained silent for a long moment before slowly replying, §I do not believe I've ever thought about that before…§

I forced back a scowl as I decided that I was done with lunch. I abandoned the Great Hall and went to Arithmancy next, where I managed to stay focused just enough to get my notes down. I then found solace in the fact I had the rest of the afternoon off, as several students in the third-year had Care of Magical Creatures. I went to the library and reviewed my notes for a while. I was soon distracted by the same annoying thoughts that plagued me during the whole day. Do I even have a happiest memory?

There was no one to hear my thoughts but the Dark Lord, and he didn't bother answering me that time.

I ground my teeth together in frustration. I could do spells of higher-years such as conjuring water, but I couldn't even do a Patronus Charm like my brother could. My fingers drummed quietly against the table as I glared with contempt down at my wand.

Naturally, my wand did nothing but sit there, silently mocking my failures.

I quickly turned my gaze away from my wand, instead looking toward my Arithmancy notes. I reviewed the notes and decided that I should also make more notes from the textbook. I began to distract myself with that note taking, and I managed to continue on with it until dinner. Once the bell for dinner sounded, I packed everything up and headed down to the Great Hall. I kept my wand in my bag as I dragged myself downstairs for some food.

The other third-years were once again talking about Hogsmeade and the upcoming trip they were all going to take.

I ignored the chatter, as it really didn't concern me, and I poked at my food once more.

"You seem frustrated today," Zabini pointed out.

I internally cringed at how a few others nodded in approval. "Yes, I suppose I am."

Davis waited for about five seconds before asking, "Okay, and what's frustrating you?"

I bit back a groan as everyone seemed interested. "I haven't figured out how to do the Patronus Charm."

"It's your first time," Nott pointed out, "Most people can't do a Charm like that their first time."

"But Harry can already do it," I grumbled as I stabbed a piece of meat with my fork.

"I bet Potter's been practicing all year," Zabini waved off dismissively.

"He's able to form a substantial amount of light from that Charm, but I can't even produce a tiny one," I said before finally taking a bite of my food.

"How is the Charm done?" Nott inquired.

I swallowed my food before explaining, "One must use their happiest memory and channel that feeling into the charm."

"Oh," Malfoy said, rather unenthusiastically at that.

"Exactly," I said while sneering down at my plate. "How the hell am I supposed to suddenly make a memory happy enough to produce that Charm?"

"Do you not have many happy memories?" Moon asked.

I pushed some food around my plate before admitting with a sigh, "I've tried all the ones I've categorized as happy."

"You categorize your memories?" Greengrass asked with a raised brow.

"I have to sort through them somehow," I replied before taking another begrudging bite of food.

"Perhaps a happy enough memory hasn't formed for you yet," Zabini suggested.

"That's what I was thinking," I lamented with a heavy sigh. "I just didn't want to admit it though…"

"What's wrong with admitting you don't have a happy enough memory for the Charm to work?" Davis asked with a furrowed brow. "It just means you have to wait a bit before trying again."

"That's time the dementors are prowling around the outskirts of the school," I pointed out, "If I'm ever caught by them again, I'll probably lose my soul."

"Then don't get caught," Bulstrode suggested as if it were actually that easy.

I forced myself not to snap at the girl, instead turning my eyes toward my plate. I pushed some more food around before sighing. I set my fork down and said, "I'm going back to the library."

"You hardly ate," Greengrass pointed out as I stood up.

"I know," I said as I stood up, grabbing my bag as I did so. I then headed off to the library once more to work on my Arithmancy notes. I was able to focus better that time, and I soon finished with the notes. I headed down to the common room and arrived just before curfew. I worked on my homework for Arithmancy there until it was time for lights out. Once in bed, I allowed myself to start sifting through memories as my body rested.

My memories weren't very cheerful, and none of them seemed to give as much joy as they had at the time. I doubted any would be able to help me perform the Patronus Charm. I eventually gave up for the night and simply slept the night away. I awoke early and dragged myself to the showers.

After my morning routine was finished, I headed out to the library to work on my essays before breakfast. I was able to focus better than I had the day prior, and I managed to make a coherent essay for Arithmancy from yesterday's pitiful attempt. With myself a bit cheered up, I headed down to the Great Hall for some breakfast.

For some reason or another, many Slytherins stopped talking once I entered.

I ignored the odd response as I sat down and served myself breakfast. I attempted to eat my breakfast sandwich in peace, only to not be able to do so.

"Potter, is it true that you don't get gifts for Yule?" Malfoy asked.

I immediately knew who to blame for the Slytherins off attitude, and I made a mental note to subtly get back at Higgs in the future. Calmly, I set down my food, and I looked at Malfoy with an expression void of emotion. "If you pity me, I'll hit you with a Stinging Jinx so powerful, you'll be crying for the next week."

Malfoy winced away from me, clearly deterred from asking more about my lack of presents.

Davis, not one to shy away from topics that should obviously be dropped, rolled her eyes. She then asked, "That doesn't answer the question."

I gave an aggravated sigh before answering, "No, I do not receive gifts for Yule."

"What about your birthday?" Parkinson pressed.

"I don't receive gifts, period," I stated, "I do not need such things, either."

"Have you ever received a gift?" Malfoy, who seemed to have gotten his courage back, asked.

I forced myself not to roll my eyes at the sheer stupidity of the question. "How many times are you going to reiterate the same question?  The answer will continuously be a no."

The other third years all looked at each other, and a wordless conversation passed between a few of them.

Finally, Parkinson nudged Nott, who scowled at the girl.

I narrowed my eyes as Nott straightened up.

"Here," Nott said as he pulled a small package from his robes and pushed it over.

I stared at the crudely-wrapped box for a moment before looking up at Nott. "This is the worst wrapped gift I've ever seen."

"Oh, be quiet and open it," Nott snapped at me as Davis snickered.

I pulled the gift over to me and opened it hesitantly. I stared at the ornate box warily before opening it up. I saw a folded up piece of paper in there, and I pulled it out. I unfolded it, only to raise my eyebrows at the letter. I read over the very neat handwriting that was a promise of sorts to get me an old grimoire that was associated with some form of the Dark Arts, courtesy of the third-year Slytherins. I looked between them all before sighing heavily. "I'm going to hex Higgs to tears."

"Okay, but what kind of grimoire do you want?" Parkinson pressed.

"I don't need-"

"It's not pity," Greengrass interrupted, "Consider it a form of repayment."

I raised an eyebrow at the girl. "Repayment for what?"

"Taking care of a certain someone," Zabini muttered to me.

I frowned deeply as I looked at the Slytherins who were obviously biting off more than they could chew. "That's not funny in the slightest imagination of the word."

"We're not joking," Nott said, straightening up at once. "We've discussed it, and we believe it to be the best action to take."

"If a certain someone - a certain someone's follower, even - got wind of this, you're all dead. I cannot, in good conscience, allow that to happen," I said sternly before putting the paper back into the box and sliding it toward Nott. "I refuse this so-called repayment." With that, I stood up, grabbed my bag, and abandoned the Great Hall, no longer interested in discussing the matter further or eating breakfast.

§They are quite loyal. That loyalty could prove useful-§

I internally scoffed before thinking, §That loyalty will get them killed if your other self ever happened across that information. While you may be interested in seeing my potential, your other self is not. I see no reason to get them all killed just because their notion of repayment and loyalty is childish in nature.§

§Perhaps you, yourself, are loyal to them as well,§ the Dark Lord mused from where he remained in my mind.

My grip on my bag tightened, but I made no verbal reply to the man. I instead headed to the Ancient Runes classroom. I flipped to the ending page from the last class, and I began to look over the next few pages to get ahead on the lesson.

The professor walked in after a bit, and she paid me no mind as she began to set up the lesson for the day.

More people soon trickled in, and Nott remained silent as he sat down next to me.

I pointedly ignored him and the other Slytherins as I took careful notes that day. I worked diligently, just as I always did, and I soon parted from the Ancient Runes classroom. I went to my next class, still ignoring the other Slytherins as I sat down in a classroom in the third dungeon.

Snape was in a surprisingly decent mood that day, and the lesson started off well-enough considering it was Double Potions with Gryffindor.

Then, everything seemed to go to shit when Longbottom messed up yet another potion.

Snape spent a good ten minutes berating the boy instead of paying attention to the rest of the class.

Crabbe and Goyle, the bloody neanderthals, managed to screw up their potions while snickering at Longbottom. Their potions quite literally exploded over the classroom, much like Malfoy's had last year after a firecracker was added.

Several people were forced to go to the infirmary, and the class ended with more than a few points deducted from Gryffindor, and a detention for both Crabbe and Goyle.

It was then time for lunch, which I elected to skip in order to write on that class's potion's attributes.

Once lunch had finished, it was time to head over to History of Magic.

I took careful notes as always, and I was the only one who managed to resist sleep that day. Once that class was finished, I headed to D.A.D.A., where Lupin once again resorted to using a textbook instead of giving a practical lesson.

That class passed by quickly, and then it was time for dinner.

The only reason I went was because my stomach demanded a meal. I sat down in my usual spot, ignoring the way many Slytherins, not just the third years, glanced at me. I felt annoyance begin to bubble to life inside of me as I pointedly stared at my plate.

"Potter," Pucey suddenly said, causing me to internally sigh. "You look ready to murder that chicken."

"It's not murder if it's already dead," I stated.

"My point is you're making the first years nervous," Pucey said dryly.

I glanced down the table toward the first years, who were all looking everywhere but me, obviously feeling quite intimidated by my hostility. I held in a heavy sigh before turning my focus back to my plate. I no longer felt hungry, so I began to stand up. "I'm-"

"Colton Potter, you will sit down at once," Greengrass hissed at me like some venomous snake. "You haven't eaten a full meal in how many days?"

"Two," I answered honestly before grabbing my bag. "And for the record, I can go a week without eating." I nodded once before taking my leave, heading to the library to get some work done in my Ancient Runes essay.

As it turned out, Greengrass didn't like my reply, and she did something about it.

It was just before curfew when I walked down the dungeon stairs, and Snape was waiting at the solid wall that hid our common room away from the rest of the castle. He looked at me with nothing short of annoyance as he said, "Potter, I know you're smart enough to realize that three meals a day is necessary for someone of your age."

Bloody fucking hell, I internally grumbled, though I kept my face clear of any insubordinate expressions. "I do realize that such a thing is healthy, but it's not necessary."

Snape sneered at me. "The next time I hear you are skipping a meal, it'll be ten house points lost. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," I answered, just barely keeping the frustration from my tone.

He nodded once before walking off.

I entered the common room, and my eyes were surely red as I approached Higgs, ready to hex the boy to the point of tears.

Higgs, having seen me headed his way, seemed to instinctually gravitate toward Flint as if the seventh year would protect him.

Flint looked at the backup Seeker for Slytherin in confusion before seeing me heading his way. The seventh year then rolled his eyes and turned to face me head-on.

"I told you how to one-up Davies, and you betray me, Higgs?" I hissed as I began to walk around Flint to get to the traitor.

Flint put his arms out, blocking my path forward. "Potter-"

"What part of 'I do not want your pity' did you not understand?" I continued as if not hearing Flint.

"Look, it wasn't pity," Higgs said.

I reached for my wand, ready to hex the fifth year, only to stop when Flint stepped toward me.

"Potter, enough," Flint demanded sternly, "I know you're upset, but you can't take it out on Higgs. I need him in top shape for the next Quidditch match."

I was going to metaphorically bite both of their heads off, but I paused upon hearing the Dark Lord chuckled in my head. I begrudgingly put my wand away before nodding once. I then turned heel and headed off to the dorm room I shared with the other third-year Slytherins. I put my bag down, got changed into my pajamas, and sat on my bed before drawing the curtains closed. I laid down and immediately thought, §What was so funny?§

§I find your temper amusing,§ the Dark Lord admitted without any hesitation.

I opened my eyes and looked over at the man in my mind. §I've always had a temper.§

§You have,§ the man agreed, §I may be to blame for some of that.§

My brow furrowed as I sat up. §What do you mean by that?§

§Just after I made you one of my horcruxes, I tried influencing your soul. Obviously, I couldn't take over you, but I could influence things you felt, if only subtly,§ he explained.

I remained silent, contemplating my next words. Finally, I threw caution to the wind and asked, §Do you still influence my emotions?§

§I stopped after three years or so, but it seems that I've predisposed you to feeling quite a bit of rage at once,§ the Dark Lord stated.

I nodded once before inquiring, §Should I cut my ties with the other Slytherins?§

The handsome man across from me frowned a bit. §Why would you need to?§

§If I were to be weighed down with those ties at the wrong point in time, they could get me in trouble,§ I pointed out.

§You must develop your own network if you're to surpass me,§ he chided.

§Sir, there's no guarantee your other self will want me to surpass you,§ I said, §If we end up clashing, he could easily use these ties to turn the tables against me.§

§That's a fair point,§ the Dark Lord said, §However, it's still wise to keep those ties for now. I went to observe you as a child, and I suffer the consequences of remaining alone while doing so to this day. Sometimes, it's best to be alone, but it's wise to remain in a group other times.§

I nodded once, accepting that as good advice. I then hesitated before asking, §Should I have allowed them to repay me for killing your younger self?§

§I'm certain they'll try again in a different manner,§ the Dark Lord waved off nonchalantly. The man then smirked at me. §Do you regret killing my younger self?§

§No,§ I answered without hesitation. §He tried to kill me first.§

He chuckled, §You may get into trouble for your honesty if my other self were to learn that.§

I nodded once, acknowledging that as a fact, but nothing more.

§Go to sleep now,§ the Dark Lord said as he motioned for me to leave him be.

I laid back down on the couch, closing my eyes as I did so. I easily slipped into unconsciousness, allowing all me to slip away from all my troubles and worries, at least for a few hours.