“You hate me now too, don't you?” He asked, when James sat down on the armchair next to the couch he was sitting on, his knees tucked up to his chest and arms wrapped around them.
“No one hates you, pads.” James said, nudging his glasses up. He had been visiting Remus with Peter, although the latter was gone by now.
“Moony does, Peter doesn't talk to me, and you have no reason not to hate me.” He said, wrapping his arms tighter around his legs. “Oh, and nobody is looking at me because they heard of me and Remus fighting.”
“They don't hate you.” James said. “They're just confused and disappointed, me especially. Sirius, nobody understands why, not me, not Remus and no one else, except you.”
“I don't understand.”
“Who is supposed to understand if you don't. You don't make any sense.” He said, running his hand through his hair, clearly getting frustrated with him and Sirius just wanted to go away, he wanted to lock himself up in their dorm and be alone and forget what had happened.
“When have I ever made sense?”
“For fuck's sake Sirius, why can't you take something seriously for once in your lifetime. You can't joke about everything, you just can't. What the fuck is wrong with you.” James got up, going off somewhere, he didn't know where, and he didn't really want to know.
He breathed out, hitting his head on his knees and letting a few tears escape. What the fuck was he supposed to do now. He didn't know. If he could, he would go and talk with Remus, but that was definitely the last thing he would want, to see Sirius. So, he didn't, he just stayed there.
—
Remus was let out of the hospital wing a couple of days later. Remus had barely looked at him since then, and definitely hadn't said a word. He wasn't sure if he was happy that they didn't talk or heartbroken. Happy because he didn't have to hear how much he had hurt the boy or what Remus thought about him. Heartbroken because it was Remus, he didn't know how to be without him, not anymore.
He had been having a lot of nightmares in the past couple of weeks, more than usually, almost every night. He wasn't getting much sleep as he was too afraid to close his eyes, too afraid to see all those images of Remus dying during that night, or hurting his friends or the memories. But every night his eyes were forced to shut at some point, too exhausted and tired to be awake. Only to wake up a couple of hours later.
But this time he didn't wake up to his own tossing and turning or crying, he woke up to someone comforting him. Someone's who he'd recognize anytime, those gentle and warm touches that went along his side. He was sure he was imagining, just having another dream.
He opened his eyes, seeing Remus sitting on the floor next to his bed, gently trying to get him back to sleep, like he had always done. “It's okay, just go back to sleep.” He whispered, softly. “You're gonna be alright, nothing will happen, just close your eyes.”
He couldn't believe this, why was Remus there, why was he being nice and doing this. Sirius couldn't understand, but he felt safe, for the first time in a couple of weeks. Although the moment was over when he closed his eyes. But he could still feel Remus there, before he fell back to sleep.
In the morning when he woke up, he was sure it was just a dream, something he hoped would've happened, but it didn't. He sat up, realizing that the curtain around his bed was a little drawn back, even though he was sure he had closed it the night before. You're just going crazy, shut up. He thought, getting up from bed and starting to get ready for his classes. He was alone in his dorm, meaning he was already late, for breakfast at least.
—
After lunch he went for a walk, he just needed some time to think about the past couple of weeks. He had thought about it, of course he had, there wasn't anything else he could think about. But he just wanted to be alone, somewhere quiet, somewhere except their dorm, he had been spending way too much time there.
He walked down to the lake, climbing the tree to sit on a Branch. He had many memories from here, with his friends and with Remus, their first kiss happened, right under this tree. It was a happy memory, he was glad to have it. Although right now, he'd love to forget that any of those things happened.
He closed his eyes, leaning against the tree, tears escaping from his eyes. He lost it all, everything. Remus wasn't talking to him, or looking at him, except last night, which he was sure was a dream. James and Peter barely spoke with him. He wasn't surprised, he deserved to lose it all, all his friends and his boyfriend.
He opened his eyes, looking around, and for some reason he saw Remus walking towards him. He closed his eyes again, more tears falling out.
“Why are you here?” He whispered, as he heard Remus lean against the tree, he wasn't that far up, it was one of the first branches that would hold his weight. Remus didn't say anything, he just climbed up, sitting on the same branch as Sirius. “It's not going to hold both of us.”
“Yes it is.” He said, tucking his wand back into his pocket. “Sirius, we need to talk.” He opened his eyes looking at Remus, he was as pretty as always, although he noticed a new scar on his neck.
“T-the other night, I had this dream.”
“It wasn't a dream, I just can't sit there and listen to you having nightmares.” He smiled. “I thought you could use some comfort, and no one else seemed to hear it.”
“Thank you.” He whispered. “But why? You hate me.”
Remus shook his head. “I don't hate you, no one does. I don't think I could ever hate you.” He said. “I can't hate you, but I also can't love you, not yet at least.”
“I- I don't know, rem, what am I supposed to say?” He asked, wiping his eyes. That hurt, he thought.
“You don't have to say anything.” He said, giving him a sad smile. “Sirius you really hurt me, and I thought you'd never hurt me, you said you wouldn't. I don't know if I can trust that much anymore, I trusted you.” He had tears in his eyes, but Remus didn't raise his voice or anything, and Sirius was really glad that Remus still did that.
“Are you mad at me?” He asked, knowing the answer, but he was surprised as he saw Remus shake his head.
“No, I'm not mad at you, I'm hurt and confused, but not mad.” He said, wiping his own eyes, before looking back at Sirius. “I don't know what will happen next, and I'm not sure what happened a few weeks ago, but I think it's better if I don't know.”
“It's a little hazy for me, too.” Sirius muttered. “I- Remus, I'm sorry, I really am, I'm so sorry for what happened.” He whispered, more tears spilling out, trying to wipe them off, but they just kept falling.
“I know you are, and I forgive you, but I cannot forget what happened, and I don't think you can either.” He said, Sirius didn't really understand why Remus was being so calm, what he did almost caused someone to die, and Remus was just calm about it?
“How are you so calm? Why aren't you yelling at me and and.” Remus interrupted him.
“Because I still care about you, and I know yelling at you doesn't work and only makes you anxious and distressed, and I don't like seeing you like that.” He said, and Sirius gave him a thankful smile, although it quickly faded. “If you were anyone else, I wouldn't even have come to talk to you, let alone act like this.”
“You always made me feel calm.” He smiled, looking down. “Still do.” He whispered, a tear slipping out, but he quickly wiped it away.
“I'm sorry, I really didn't mean for anything like this to happen, I didn't mean to.”
“I know, and I'm trying to understand, I really am. But I'm hearing all different stories from James and Peter and some bits I remember, but I need to know.” Remus said. “Not what happened that I don't want to know or remember, but why, Sirius, why did it happen?”
“It was supposed to be a joke, for Snape. It was supposed to be fun. But I didn't realize what would happen after.” He whispered. “I didn't think.”
He took a deep breath before continuing, scared to look at Remus. “I told him to come and see what was under the whomping willow, stupid idea.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“What do we do now?”
“I don't know Sirius.” He admitted, looking at him, and Sirius nodded, giving him an apologetic smile.
“Rem, I don't know if you want anything to do with me ever again. Even friends or what we had, but please, don't leave my Life, I need you in there.”
“I think I need you too.” He wiped his eyes, smiling at Sirius. “Take care, Siri, it's gonna be alright, I promise that.” He said, jumping down from the branch.
“I'll tell James to stop ignoring you, oh and Peter is baking cookies, with the elves, thought you might want some.” He smiled, and Sirius nodded. What was he supposed to say or do now?
“Remus?” He asked, just as he was about to walk away, he turned around looking up to him. “Thank you. For not hating me and for actually talking to me.”
“It's okay, don't worry about it.'' he smiled, starting to walk back to the castle. Sirius leaned back against the tree, wiping his eyes on his sleeve, that felt like the thousandth time in the last twenty minutes. He let out a breath, running a hand through his hair.
He didn't know what to think, he didn't know if he should be happy that Remus even talked with him, or if he should be sad. He was just confused.
—
It started out slow, they said a few words here and there, and Remus helped him with his homework a couple of times after their talk. They weren't exactly friends, more like classmates, or two people who had just met. Nothing more.
They hadn't had a proper talk after the one at the tree. He was glad that he didn't have to go over it again, but sad that he couldn't talk with Remus like they did before. If he could, he would turn back time and go back to the light before that full moon, but he couldn't, so he just had to live with it. And he wasn't sure if he hated what he did more or what was happening now.
He and James worked things out, and he had his best friend back, well, partially at least. James didn't trust him as much anymore, but Sirius understood why, so he could only hope that everything would go back to normal.
Couple months after the full moon, it was that time again, he didn't go with them, he hadn't since that night. It was only James and Peter with Remus, and he could only hope everything would go alright, like he did a month ago.
But in the morning, he realized that Remus was alone in the hospital wing, as James and Peter went up to their dorm to sleep. He didn't know if Remus said he didn't want company or what, but he needed to be sure. So, he got up from his spot on the couch and found his way down to the hospital wing.
He saw Pomfrey doing something at a bed that he realized Remus was laying in. “Hey poppy.” He smiled, walking closer, only getting glared at by her, as she looked up from where she was changing a dressing on Remus' arm. “Sorry, madam Pomfrey, how's he doing?”
“Unconscious, but he should be awake, in a few hours. Otherwise, he's doing fine, but I think he could use some company. No one was here a month ago.” She said, looking at him, before going back to her office.
Sirius sat down On the chair that pulled next to the bed. Just like the old times, he thought, as he looked at Remus. After every full moon, before the prank, Sirius would be there with him, ever since he told them about his condition.
After a couple of hours, Remus stirred, opening his eyes slowly, but closed them quickly because of the light. It always took some time to get used to the light, but when he opened his eyes again he saw Sirius sitting next to him, smiling.
“Hey.” He croaked. “Didn't really expect for you to be here.”
“Hi, I know… I can go away if you'd like. I just know you don't like to be alone after this and James and Peter went to bed, so I just thought.”
“I don't mind you being here, actually kinda happy that it's you and not those two.”
“Happy?”
“Yeah.” He smiled. “Kinda, not always when I see you, but right now yeah.” He said. “Besides, James talks a lot, and Peter is always chewing loudly, and you know I don't like that.”
“Well, I came quiet and without anything to eat.” He smiled and Remus chuckled, god he had missed that sound. “I don't know what to say or do, rem, I don't know. What am I supposed to do?” He sighed, running his hand through his hair.
“I don't know, how about you don't say anything, and you climb up here.”
“W-what?” He whispered, looking at Remus, confused, he couldn't be hearing right.
“C'mon, let's forget about all this for a moment, and just come here.” He smiled, moving, so Sirius could fit on the bed next to him. He wasn't sure if he should do this, but it felt right, so he did. He missed Sirius.
A tear slipped from his eye as he got up from the chair, lying down next to Remus. “Why are you crying?” Remus whispered softly, draping his arm over his hip, making another tear fall.
“I don't know.” He whispered, wiping his eyes. “I don't know, this feels like it did before.”
“It's supposed to.” He smiled, looking down at Sirius. “But it's not, we can't go back to where we were, but we can always start over, can't we?”
Sirius looked up. “Do you actually want to, start over, I mean? We don't have to, if that is not what you want, I don't want you to do anything if you don't want. You don't-”
“Shh, I want to start over, with you.” He smiled, seeing tears in Sirius' eyes as he looked at him. “But I have two things before that.”
“Anything.”
“You never do anything like that ever again? And in the future, if something happens, we talk, okay?” Sirius nodded, leaning against Remus' chest, listening to his heartbeat, he had missed this so much. “It's gonna take time to be us, again, but I'm ready for it, are you?”
“Yeah.” He whispered, looking up at him. “Can I?” He asked hesitantly, glancing at his lips and back at his eyes. Remus nodded and Sirius carefully leaned up, pressing his lips against Remus', a few tears slipping down from his eyes.
It wasn't over yet, they still had a lot to talk about and to go through, and they both knew that, but they also knew that they could do it.