I love you, Marlene thinks as she hears Mary gasp out “What are we supposed to do now?”
Can’t you see that I love you? Marlene thinks as she sees how Mary is trying to get the door open with spells and charms, but the door doesn't budge and Marlene knows that there’s no use.
I love you, I love you, I love you, Marlene thinks as she starts laughing and Mary turns to look at her.
She shouldn't look at her like that. It’s too dangerous. She wants to turn away from Mary’s gaze but there’s no use in running away. She’s caught by Mary’s eyes, and they are caught by the universe in here.
Marlene can’t be held responsible for whatever happens when Mary is looking at her like that.
Like she’s fond of her. Like she means something to her.
Lies, Lies, Lies.
It isn’t like that. Marlene knows, because Mary told her so.
But still.
When Mary is looking at her like that, she can’t help but feel a flicker of hope.
When Mary is looking at her like that, she can’t help but feel the echo of a spark of something.
She can’t help but feel the electricity crackling in between them, that lights up the world and sets them on fire and is brighter than the stars.
She can feel it, she can feel it altogether, so thoroughly present in her life.
So why can’t Mary?
Marlene wished for a happy ending for them so intensely, she tried so hard, only for her to end up as broken poetry.
And it was alright, really, because Marlene was strong and she wouldn’t let it break her, and she would never let herself to lose Mary, so they moved on. And it was okay.
But now Mary is looking at her and Marlene’s words are caught in her throat.
It was Christmas Eve and they should’ve been with their friends by now to celebrate and throw a party. Previously this afternoon Marlene, Mary, Lily, James and Pandora had snuck off from the rest of their friends to the greenhouse, to plan something. Why? Remus and Sirius. Two oblivious fools in love, too painful to watch a second longer how they were tiptoeing around each other, blushing when one of them got too close, eyes always lingering on the other, always together, always so close. And yet. Not close enough. Marlene had vowed to stay out of it. It wasn’t any of her business, yes, it was unbearable to watch at times, but they had to figure it out together. Just the two of them without interference from their friends. How hard could it be right? Well, apparently, really hard. After a game of truth and dare last week, where Sirius declared he wouldn’t ever date someone unless it was Remus, and Remus had happily obliged, and still nothing had happened, Marlene decided that it was alright to push them a little in the right direction. Because what if they really were to dumb and it would take them years? All that wasted time? The idea of it made Marlene so very sad. If she couldnt be happy with the person she loved, at least her best friends deserved to. So, with the help of others they came up with a plan to play a little matchmaker game. Nothing too big, just a push for them to figure things out. To finally declare their love. She hoped they finally would be brave enough. She knew how scary it was, and how you could end up getting hurt, get your heart stomped on, but deep down she knew that they would be alright. They weren’t Marlene and Mary, no they were Remus and Sirius, they were written in the stars. Even the universe seemed to know they belonged together so why didn't Remus and Sirius know themselves? They loved each other so painfully much, so unapologetically beautifully much, and still some sort of barrier held them back.
If it was up to Marlene, that would end tonight.
The five of them had gone to the greenhouse and started decorating the place, to make it all cozy and romantic and warm, planning to lock Sirius and Remus there and not let them out until they sorted their shit out.
Around 4 pm Regulus had come to tell them that Sirius and Remus were getting suspicious of where everyone was and that they had come looking for them. This was the cue for all of them to leave, except that they weren’t quite finished yet. Some finishing touches were left, so Lily had ordered Marlene and Mary to stay, while the rest went back so that Remus and Sirius wouldn’t get too suspicious. Marlene had raised her eyebrows at Lily, silently asking what the hell she was doing, vaguely aware that she must know something but Lily just smiled sweetly at them, told them to ‘Have fun!’ and waved goodbye as she closed the door of the greenhouse. Mary briefly looked at Marlene, gave her a tiny smile and suggested that they would quickly finish the rest so they could join the others for hot chocolate, Marlene nodded in agreement.
They had worked in silence for an hour more or so, and they had just decided that the place looked amazing. There were blankets and pillows, lots of lights and of course plants, they had put up a record player with some of their favorite albums, and even managed to charm a christmas tree from the school grounds to bring it here. Truly, Marlene thought they did a great job, this plan would definitely work. Marlene let out a sigh of relief because everything had gone smoothly between Mary and her, Marlene managed to control herself and there hadn't been any awkward moments. Not too awkward at least. So, Marlene was relieved they could go back to the castle and figured she’d maybe fly on her broom for a bit since her head had been all over the place lately.
Except.
Except it had started snowing.
It had started snowing really hard.
Like a snowstorm.
And neither of them had noticed.
It had started snowing so hard up to the point that the snow was up to the windows, and they couldn't get the door open. They were stuck.
Snowed in.
And Marlene just laughed, she started laughing because it was all too absurd, it was too much of a cliche, this couldn't be real. Except that it was.
It is real. And Mary is still looking at her, and Marlene doesn't understand, she doesn't understand anything anymore and she wants to cry, to scream and sob but all she can do is hysterically laugh.
Marlene is still laughing as three events of the evening rush through her head. She had been thinking of them all night, driving her crazy, and now she finally thought she could get out and get some space, away from Mary, but no. Fate had decided something else for her. Of fucking course.
The three events were now echoing in her head like a constant reminder, like they were mocking her, and Marlene knew she would end up doing something stupid, she would fuck everything up once again if she had to stay here with Mary any second longer. She already felt like she was exploding.
The first moment that had kept her brain working over hours was a comment from James and Pandora, that she accidentally heard. They had been talking about their plan when she heard Pandora say something along the lines of ‘Maybe we should've done this for two other people instead’, and James just so happened to laugh and nod in agreement and look over to the corner where Mary and Marlene had been decorating, quickly blushing and looking away when Marlene caught his gaze. What was that supposed to mean? Had they been talking about her? Yes, Marlene wished it was that easy, that Mary and her were just oblivious fools in love with each other, but it wasn't that simple. Unrequited love is never that simple. She wanted to yell at them, laugh at them, because they could try as much as they wanted to get Mary and Marlene together, but it would never work. Because Mary didn't love her. Not the way she wanted her to. Not the way that she did.
The following thing happened only fifteen minutes later, when Marlene was still completely caught up in her thoughts about that, and the both of them reached for the same blanket to spread out over the mattresses and pillows they had just set up. Their hands briefly touched each other, and before Marlene could pull away she could see Mary’s fingers tremble and slightly move, almost as if she wanted her hand to stay there, to caress Marlene’s fingers and pull her in. She saw how Mary closed her eyes only for a second while their hands touched each other, letting herself drown in Marlene for just a second, as if she was imagining what it would be like to have her. Do it, Marlene thought. Let yourself have this.
Of course, she didn't, and quickly pulled away when she saw Marlene was staring at her. Marlene couldn’t blame her for that.
The last thing that Marlene was constantly thinking about was the date it was. Christmas Eve. It had only been a year since Marlene possibly changed their friendship forever. A year already. She doesn't know how she managed to go on like this, after what happened, for a year, but somehow she did. She was a little proud of herself for that.
A year of her feeling a little less like herself.
A year of her struggling to not let it break her.
Another year of her loving Mary, despite everything.
It felt a bit ironic that a year ago Mary and her had stayed a little late after class in the greenhouse and it had ended with Marlene crying at Mary’s feet, begging for her to love her back, and now they were here again, one year later.
So much had changed, yet nothing at all.
It was her own fault, really, to take that chance, to say those words that could ruin what they had. And it almost did, she almost messed everything up, but she had been determined to not lose Mary because of her own mistakes, so she didn't. They never spoke about it, but maybe it was better that way. Their friendship still worked, sure when it was just the two of them it could be a little awkward so they avoided that when possible, but in the end, at their cores they were still Mary and Marlene. They knew the other too well to not be friends, even after what happened. They had been friends for too long to let that ruin them, so rather easily, they moved past that and fell back into their rhythm. It had hurt Marlene, it was still hurting her, but the only one to blame for that was herself. So for herself, for Mary, and for them, she moved on and never spoke of it again.
Except.
Except that they were snowed in.
Except that Marlene never would have thought to be in the exact same setting with Mary ever again.
Except that the what if was still in the back of her mind.
Except that Mary was staring at her so intensely and it made Marlene’s skin crawl and her heart flutter, and she needed to get the words out, she needed to say something, because she couldn’t go on like this any longer, pretending that it hadn’t been killing her slowly all this time.
“Mary” she croaks out.
“Yeah?”
I’m in love with you. I have been since last year, and I always will be, because you’re you, you’re the sun and all the brightest stars, and I’m helplessly caught in your orbit.
“Marlene?”
You’re carved into my heart, etched into my skin, burned into my soul for eternity. It’s your hands that I yearn, your love that I crave, you.
“Is everything alright, Marls?” Mary asks, her eyes still fixed on Marlene, and Marlene can’t breathe and her insides are all tangled up together because she’s still looking at her.
Always looking.
When I close my eyes all I can hear is the constant echoes of your voice in my head, your name is always on my lips and I crave to kiss yours.
But when it came to Mary, there were just no words.
So she stayed silent, and kept it all in for a little longer. She had been doing it for a year now, so what’s a little longer? It’s not like she didn't know what the outcome would be, after all.
“Yeah” she blinks away her tears hoping Mary didn’t notice it, “I’m fine. Let’s just sit down and wait, someone will come looking for us.”
Mary just nods and tries to smile at her reassuringly, but it comes out strained and tight, wondering what had just happened.
Marlene wonders the same.
Outside the storm was howling and growing stronger by the minute, but inside everything was calm and quite pleasant. After an hour or so Marlene feels like she finally managed to calm down a bit. The both of them had found a place to sit down and just. Wait. There wasn't anything else they could do. Mary had looked pretty tired all afternoon and Marlene didn’t feel much like talking either, so they sat there in silence, many unsaid words hanging in between them, filling up the air with their heaviness.
And yet, Marlene, feels happy. Peaceful. Rested.
Mary is softly humming a song. It’s all so peaceful, it should make Marlene feel restless and uneasy, but it doesn’t. She hasn’t felt this calm in weeks, her head always all over the place, never able to keep up with her own thoughts and emotions, which result in frustration and breakdowns when not even quidditch can get her mind off everything. So yes, it is an unexpected feeling, but it’s nice. And she knows it’s because of Mary, it’s always Mary, because something about her presence is so soothing and lovely and delightful, Marlene never wants this feeling to end, so she just bathes in it, letting herself get drowned in Mary’s starlight, and protected from the darkness inside her.
If only Mary knew, the thing she makes Marlene feel. She never knew she could feel that much, that she could feel like this. That she could feel.
“What’s the song?” Marlene asks after a while, Mary’s sweet voice distracting her string of thoughts.
“Oh” Mary looks up and smiles, “it’s a muggle Christmas song. This whole situation just reminded me of it I guess.”
“Will you sing it to me?”
Mary turns her gaze to Marlene and looks at her with a questioning look in her eyes, as if she wants to know what Marlene is playing at.
“Please?”
She doesn’t have to ask again before Mary stands up and walks over to Marlene, and holds out her hand.
“Only if you’ll dance with me.” Mary smirks.
Marlene isn’t sure what’s happening, but Mary is standing there with a soft smile on her face waiting for Marlene, and how could Marlene ever say no to that? To her?
“Oh, the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful”
She hesitantly starts singing, and it’s so delicate, so fragile and pure, so genuine and Mary is everything that Marlene can never be, everything that Marlene can never have, and still Marlene is so painfully, so mistakenly in love with her best friend.
“And since we've no place to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow”
They’re so close now, swaying to the song, and Mary is warm and cozy, a faint blush on her cheeks and Marlene has never wanted to kiss her as much as she does now.
“When we finally kiss goodnight
How I'll hate going out in the storm”
Oh, she wants to kiss her so badly.
“But if you'll really hold me tight
All the way home I'll be warm”
And this might just be the most beautiful song she ever heard, although she is completely convinced she’ll fall in love with every song Mary sings for her, hoping she’ll sing more for her. She can’t go without it now. Marlene’s arms are on Mary’s hips and in return she has her arms around Marlene’s neck, but Mary still feels too far away, like she’s just out of her reach. So Marlene shuffles closer and closer, almost wrapping Mary in a hug, and she can feel Mary’s breath on her skin now but she’s still not close enough, never close enough.
She notices Mary’s breath hitch when she sings the next line.
“And the fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we're still goodbying”
Marlene moves one of her hands to brush Mary’s cheek, she doesn’t know what has come over her, she knows it’s a bad idea, Mary told her that before, but she can’t help it. She is like a fierce goddess, unreal, as if Marlene created her with her own magic, yet she is standing right in front of her. How could she not absolutely adore her, how could she not want her pressed up against her heart? She moves in closer and gently strokes Mary’s hair behind her ear and plants a kiss there, it looks so inviting and it’s like some force took over Marlene’s body, and Mary doesn't stop her, but Marlene can’t figure out what she’s thinking.
Mary sings the last lines.
“But as long as you'd love me so
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.”
Mary closes her eyes as if she’s waiting, hoping for something to happen, and after a moment she leans into Marlene’s touch, letting out a soft whimper. She’s full to the brim with her feelings for Mary, her longing for Mary.
And Marlene spills over.
“I love you so, Mary. I always will.” she whispers, and she wants to kiss her, snog her senseless, until Mary can’t say no anymore, until Marlene is all she feels, but she can’t. Marlene can’t kiss her first, not after what happened last time. She needs Mary to do it, to show her she wants it just as much.
“What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid of falling?”
“I’m- Don’t you understand? Don’t you see? I already did, I have been falling for as long as I can remember. That’s what scares me. I- I just can’t.”
Bittersweet words. I love you, but I can’t be with you. It hurts even more than unrequited love, knowing she feels the same.
“Mary-” Marlene begins, as she strokes a strand of hair behind Mary’s ear, but Mary instantly pulls back as her face hardens.
“No, Marlene, please don’t. Don’t make me go through this again.”
“I can’t help it, Mary. I love you.”
She sees how Mary closes her eyes and takes in all her words, drowning in them. She would tell Mary how much she loved her every second of every day for eternity if she looked like this every time.
“I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“Marlene-”
“I'll be so good. We’ll be so good, Mary.” Marlene whispers, tears now welling in her eyes, frustrated, because what if Mary won’t give in? What if this is all they were ever meant to be? Nothing more and nothing less?
She takes a step forwards, as Mary keeps taking steps back, and before she knows, she has Mary cornered against the wall. She feels herself drown in the angelic view of Mary and she never wants this feeling to end. When it comes to Mary, she never wants to stop feeling.
It would be so easy to just lean in and kiss her right there. To never let her go.
But she can't.
She knows Mary doesn't want to.
Mary closes her eyes as if she's trying to stop the tears from coming, as if she can't show her emotions, too scared of the truth behind them.
And Marlene, she steps away.
Because she can’t wait for Mary forever.
If she’s not ready, there’s nothing Marlene can do about that. But she doesn't have to watch herself get hurt over and over.
So she turns around and walks away to the other side of the greenhouse creating as much distance from Mary as she can. She hears Mary break down in sobs but Marlene doesn’t turn back to her, because she can't do this again. This time, it’s up to Mary. Marlene made clear how she feels, what she wants, she tried so hard to make both of them happy, she has given all of herself, so there’s nothing more for her to give now. It’s Mary’s turn to give and Marlene’s turn to take.
She leans against the wall and lets herself slide down until she’s on the ground, her arms around her knees, bundling herself up to protect her from the pain as she silently weeps. She didn’t want to cry over Mary again, it has been so long since she did, but she just can’t help it. It’s all too much, today was just all too much.
After a few minutes she hears Mary walk over to her and sit down next to her. She leans her head on Marlene’s shoulder and Marlene bursts into tears again. How can she still be so lovely? Even after this, it’s so easy how only her presence manages to calm Marlene down.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, I shouldn’t have brought it up again. I’m sorry for ruining us last year, I’m sorry for ruining us again.” Marlene whispers through her tears. It’s all she can manage to say. Because she really is so sorry.
“No” Mary whispers back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not seeing how much I hurt you. I’m sorry for being too scared. I’m sorry for not realizing sooner.”
“Realizing what?”
“That you’ve always had me. That I’ve always been yours even if I didn’t let myself because I was too scared for all the what ifs. But it’s true, and I don’t wanna run from it anymore. I don’t wanna be scared anymore. Marlene, you’ve had me yesterday, you have me today, you’ll have me tomorrow and all the days after that for as long as you’ll keep me, because I have loved you for so long I don’t remember a time where I didn’t.”
And just like that, in a matter of seconds, everything changed once again.
“I’ll always keep you.” Marlene smiles through her tears, and she can’t believe that this is real, and she is beyond ecstatic and she takes Mary’s face in her hands, she finally has her world right where she wanted her, where she belonged, because she can do this now, because they love each other and it's beautiful. They’re beautiful.
“Can I kiss you? Please let me kiss you.” Marlene practically begs, because she’s so close now. They’re so close.”
“I hurt you.” Mary says, hesitantly, still holding back a bit, still a bit scared.
“I forgive you.” Marlene simply answers. She does. She is so close to having Mary now that nothing else matters.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t. I didn’t let that happen last year did I? No matter what happens, we will always be friends. We’re Mary and Marlene. No one can keep us apart, remember?
Mary laughs in reply and a tear rolls over her cheek. Oh, she is so beautiful. Marlene needs to kiss her right now.
“If you truly love me, please let me kiss you.”
“I don’t just love you. I breathe you.”
And that’s all it takes for Marlene to finally surge forward and connect her lips with Mary. It’s a crash, it’s an explosion, it’s everything they both longed for, hungry for each other, and nothing can stop them now because finally. They’re home. After all that waiting, Marlene was finally home. And Merlin, was it worth it.
She feels Mary deepen the kiss and pull Marlene further onto her lap and Marlene happily obliges as her hands roam all over her body. She just needs to touch her everywhere, to feel Mary, to connect their bodies and to never detach again. It was almost too much, Mary was too much, she couldn’t encompass her with her hands, or with her lips,
Marlene felt open and vulnerable, giving all of herself in a way she never dared to do before, but she found that she didn't mind. She could get used to this. She could get used to having Mary weak and compliant in her arms, she could get used to the wetness and warmth of her mouth and the soft graze of her fingers running down Marlene’s back.
“Oh” Mary breathes out when they both pull apart to catch a breath, overwhelmed by everything.
They both just need a second. To let it all sink in and realize what’s happening. And to maybe talk.
“Yeah” Marlene smiles back, “oh.” Mary grins at her and Marlene decides that the second can wait and they will have so much time to talk later, but this, kissing Mary can’t wait. They should’ve been doing this for so long that they need to make up for their lost time of not touching each other constantly. This makes sense, they make sense. Everything else can wait, nothing matters but Mary, Mary, Mary in her arms, kissing her so passionately Marlene could only dream of something like that. But here they were now, real and alive, in love, setting the world ablaze with their love. That’s what mattered.
So once again Marlene crashed her lips onto Mary’s and drags them down on the floor and rolls them over, and Mary is on top of her and they’re still kissing, always kissing, and they will never get enough of each other and they keep kissing as the stars align and everything around them crumbles, and they lose themselves in the other, finally feeling like everything has fallen into place, never wanting this to end.
Later, much later, after they had fallen asleep in each other's arms, they would be woken up by Sirius and Remus barging in, announcing that they had bravely come to rescue them from evil snow monsters. They would come in hand in hand, snickering at the sight of Mary and Marlene, and softly whispering to each other “Guess the greenhouse plan wasn’t completely useless after all.”
Later, much later, they would find out that Sirius and Remus finally, finally, got their shit together when Mary and Marlene were snowed in. They would learn that apparently all it took was a very sleepy Sirius who didn’t realize he had been speaking his thoughts out loud during a game of spin the bottle, and a very impatient Remus who finally had decided to be bold and shut him up with a kiss.
They would find out that James and Regulus had shared their first kiss as well that night, and agreed to go on a date after Christmas.
They would find out how Pandora had asked Lily out on a date and how Lily had started blushing and stumbling over her words, all flustered by the sudden confession that Pandora liked her.
Later, much later, they would find out it had been one of the happiest Christmases for all of their friend group.
Later, much later, Marlene would cry because of how happy she was, and how much she loved every single one of them.
Later, much later, on another Christmas Eve, Marlene would go down on one knee and officially ask Mary to be hers forever.
But for now, she let herself be soaked by Mary’s kisses, she let herself drown in the feeling of belonging, happiness and love. In the feeling of being Mary’s.
She let herself drown in the feeling of happiness and peace, after a year of knowing nothing but whirlwinds and cloudbursts.
For now, she let herself drown in Mary’s ‘I love you’s’, because she would never get tired of hearing her say those words.
She loves me back, and together we’ll collect the pieces of our once broken hearts and we’ll learn to stand in love again. Together, hand in hand.