Chapter 3
Regulus
Regulus sits on the couch far away from James taking this all in. He can’t believe he let his brother talk him into doing this. One thing about Regulus you need to understand is that he hates change, he's had enough of it for a lifetime and never wants to remember it again.
As he watches James settle down in the blankets to watch a movie Regulus thinks about how they got to this point. There has been so much he didn't expect, he still can't believe someone publicly outed James so cruelly and it was worrying him that James wouldn't talk about it.
Regulus has known James was bi for a while, in fact when he was in college he was sure having a crush on James was going to be the death of him. He’d thankfully outgrown his feelings and focused on his studies and starting charities. But that didn’t change how awful this must be for James and Reg was here now so he actually wanted to help.
“James you know, if you want to talk about anything you can” Regulus offered
“I don’t know what to say I made a stupid choice because I was naive and thought someone actually liked me for me and not fame, and now I might lose my career and privacy forever what else is there to say,” James said out loud for the first time voicing his fears.
Regulus had never heard James sound so dejected and apathetic
“James that's not true you took personal pictures for someone and they betrayed your trust, that says nothing bad about you and everything about them.” Regulus rarely took time to placate people but he needed James to understand that no part of this shit show was his fault. Even if the idea of fake dating disgusted Reg he wasn't going to blame James.
“I don’t want to pretend to date someone Regulus I just basically broke up with my boyfriend, was outed, put on the bench, and have the media breathing down my neck for a scandal. But no one is listening, everyone keeps telling me this is the best plan and and and I can’t breathe” James was hyperventilating
Regulus wasn't sure what to do, he was the worst at comforting people and James looked so scared he was about to call Sirius in for backup. “James slow down, tell me what to do I don't know what to do should I get Sirius or your parents.” Regulus was talking so fast he wasn't sure James could even hear.
Regulus can see James practice some deep breathing and drinking down water before he responds “I'm okay, I’m okay don't call anyone please, I’m just exhausted and stressed I haven't slept since the news broke I feel like everybody knows everything about me that I didn't want them to see”
Regulus was at a loss for words because the truth was none of this was fair. The pictures would hardly have been as scandalous if people weren't outing James. They wouldn't have to fake date if James was straight. And the media wouldn't be calling James a whore and making the team question the PR image.
Regulus wishes he could touch people for the first time in a while. If he was anyone else he would wrap James in a hug and let his comfort say everything he doesn't know how. But Regulus can't hug. James’ parents were so hard to get comfortable with that it took him a whole year to work up hugging them, so this right now was not in Regulus’ power. The universe had been so cruel, as a child all Regulus had wanted was affection and love until he grew up and realized touch could hurt.
He was trying with words to say everything he wanted but he knew it lacked “This is shit James we don't deserve this, you shouldn't have to pretend to be with someone to make your queerness more acceptable. But we live in a fucked world and we will do our best okay. I’ll do my best I promise” Regulus had never hoped someone could see the sincerity in his face more.
James’ resulting smile was reminding Regulus why he had thought James was the love of his life years ago. The thought hit him like a truck and suddenly Regulus was seeing how bad this plan was going to go for him. Because how could anyone be around James for this long and not fall for him? Fuck fuck fuck Regulus was so screwed.
“You know Regulus you might be one of the first people to not try and convince me that this will easy and simple. For what it's worth I’m sorry you got dragged into my mess if you want out you can tell me. I would never want to drag you down with me.”
“I’m not bailing on you James but I want rules, - ground rules so we know what's expected between us, and everything okay. When Sirius comes over tomorrow morning with his full plan we can figure out the details.” Regulus was quick to say, needing James to stop looking at him with such familiarity.
“In fact, I think we should just sleep early tonight you haven't rested and I want us both to have a clear head tomorrow”
“Of course yeah sorry about my panic attack during the movie, I don't know how to ask this but if you could avoid telling anyone about it I would really appreciate it” James looked embarrassed to even be asking
Regulus’s heart broke that James had to doubt people respecting his privacy now. “Of course James I would never tell anyone something like that without your permission ever.”
“Thanks, yeah I just don’t want anyone to worry they might think I can't handle this and I can, I will, I have to.”
“We're a team now James you won't have to handle this alone and Sirius won't stop until your career and life are back to normal”
After James shows Regulus to his room and leaves him alone he goes to lock the door out of habit and moves a chair in front of it. He knows he doesn’t need to, here or anywhere now. But he’s not sure if he will ever get over the anxiety.
Every night he lays in bed he has to fight the nightmares and old trauma to even close his eyes in a new environment. Regulus wishes it was easier to let go of the trauma he experienced in his foster home but he knows it’ll never be that easy.
It’s why he worked so hard to start safe homes for queer foster kids, the charity is Regulus’ passion project from the moment he had money of his own he couldn’t wait to spend it on helping other kids like him. His brother and James’ family had also been so supportive.
He's sure they have made assumptions about why his work is so important to him. Still, Regulus hasn't gotten himself to talk about his memories or moved very far past his aversion to touch. He's worked extensively with a therapist and can finally tolerate hugs from three people but only when he initiates them and he still handles surprise touch poorly.
It might seem small but James had never made Regulus feel awkward or embarrassed for being different or having his traumas it’s a little thing but it means the world to him.
Regulus has come to the realization though that he’ll probably never fall in love. He wants to touch so badly and he wants to be hugged and feel warmth and love easily but the fear is paralyzing and he's not sure it will ever go away. It hurts because he knows that if he was normal then maybe someone like James would fall for him. But they won’t, not with him being as broken as he is. No one wants a boyfriend who you can't even hold hands with and Regulus doesn’t blame them.
But James he’s a good one that’s why Regulus even agreed to this arrangement if it had been anyone else Regulus would have laughed in their face and told them to shove it. But Sirius rarely asked for his help, and Effie and Monty had been better to him than his own parents could have imagined so this seemed so small in comparison.
Helping James was almost a no-brainer because he worked so hard all the time to make everyone else happy, it felt like the first chance to show James that he deserved help too.