9
9
James has basketball training that evening, finally! He missed that. They took a break for Christmas holidays, not a long break, but James felt like it was months.
He loves playing and loves his teammates and even his coach who sometimes appears strict and a bit mean when he calls them names, but he is a softy deep down and gives the best encouraging speeches when they need them.
His coach acted like a mentor for him, for the entire team actually, but James likes to think that, among all of his teammates, he shares with him the deepest and strongest bond. His name is Alastor Moody, he is a retired police officer, shot in the back while chasing some drug dealers and remained paralyzed from the chest down since then.
It was James’s father to introduce them, some time after James left the hospital and didn’t feel like himself, didn’t feel like doing anything, felt discouraged and spent too much time in his room watching Netflix and wasting away.
James didn’t want to play wheelchair basketball — it sounded stupid, some dudes acting like they can do normal stuff like playing sports — and put on a great fuss, but his father didn’t give up and tossed him in the car and drove him at the sports palace, shoving him in Moody’s arms.
Fleamont and Moody were close friends, still are, so Moody took James in because of that friendship but also because that’s what he does: he trains a local wheelchair basketball team of young adults and, sometimes, acts like a sort of uncle who gives good advice and lets them cuss too much.
James wasn’t the first boy acting difficult he had to deal with. He wasn’t even his second or third. Neither the last. Some of the people he got in the team became disabled young or were born disabled and they have been playing for years, some others were young adults newly disabled and were the most resentful ones, still wearing the shame and anger for what happened to them.
At first, James stood on the bench, looking from afar, not even wanting to touch the court. He looked at those people and pitied them and pitied himself and wanted to cry and just go home and bury himself under the duvet. What was he even doing there? Pretending like that was normal, like playing basketball in a wheelchair was something that can be real. Disabled people don’t play sports, they don’t do anything. That he thought. Needless to say, he didn’t speak to anyone and would reply in monosyllables if someone asked him something.
Now, James cringes at the memory of that, wondering where the cheerful James who can be friends with anybody had gone.
Then, one day, Moody put the ball in his hands and shoved him in the field. Reluctantly, James went, because his father was there and he didn’t want to embarrass his father who he still respected a lot.
He sucked. And sucked again. And again. But something convinced him to keep on, to not quit that easily, a sort of pull that pushed him in the field. The James he once was, was still alive.
And then… he improved and improved and improved. And when he started to make the ball fall in the basket, he couldn’t stop. He became the best player on the team. Everybody cheered on James and their opponents knew who to fear when they played against them. If his teammates were put out for his behavior at the beginning, they never said it. All of them have been at that point at least once in their life, they didn’t judge.
If James had to do a list of all the things that made him accept his disability, wheelchair basketball — along with Moody and his teammates — would be in the top three. Maybe even in the first place.
Playing that sport was like playing rugby in school. He thought he lost that but actually he didn’t. It just was a bit different. And playing on wheels instead of on feet was equally fun and cool. He had some falls that were even worse than in rugby. Wheelchair basketball can be pretty violent, with all that metal clashing and wheel-blocking.
Also, being surrounded by other disabled people helped. Having only able-bodied people in his close group of friends made James feel a bit out of place, especially in the beginning. Not that they wouldn’t understand or listen to him, but there are things that one can totally comprehend only when they try them on their skin.
He didn’t need to explain himself too much when he talked to his teammates, especially relating to some struggle disability-related.
Not all of them are paralyzed, though. Alice has cerebral palsy and she can walk, if with difficulty, and despite having only one good hand and one half-working, she is one of the best players. And she’s also a mother. Then there is Fabian who is their newest acquisition. He got both his legs amputated below the knee because of meningitis and uses prosthetics. James thinks his prosthetics are cool.
“Heya, James!” Fabian greets him while James is putting on his fingerless gloves.
“Hey, Fabs! How is going?”
“Good. My brother brought me to a rave party last Saturday. Thought I was gonna die. I smoked weed when I was a teenager, but gosh, the ones they had in that fucking place… uuuuughhh!” Fabian points his index finger against his temple and pretends to pull a trigger with his thumb. James laughs. Gideon is Fabian’s twin brother, he comes to every game and sometimes even to training. He’s the most supportive family member James has ever seen. And he likes that.
The two boys are a little wild though. They told him some messy pranks they used to do at school and some adventures they have been in, and yeah, James and his friends weren’t saints, but Fabian and Gideon are on a different level.
“Really? Did you have fun?”
“Of course I did!” Fabian utters with a bright smile. “Wish I could do that every day. I’m getting old, mate”.
“Yeah, don’t tell me!”
James straps his feet to the wheelchair and joins the other teammates on the court with Fabian.
“Okay, Gryffindors!” Moody calls after a while, wheeling towards them. “Let’s start this training. We have the game against the Quaffles next Saturday and we can’t let them win this time”.
A chorus of “yes, coach” echoes throughout the gym.
They start with some wheeling around the court to warm up their muscle arms and then proceed to do some 1 on 1 exercises, like passing the ball, dribbling and trying to steal the ball from the partner.
James is partnering with Alice and they share a few words about their lives, like Neville and Frank, James’s friends and parents, their respective jobs and they laugh too much for Moody’s liking, who has to chastise them a couple of times (“guys, this is not a hairdresser’s salon. Please, don’t make me ground you like two kids”).
Then, finally, they divide into two small teams and improvise a game. James plays as a guard, a shooting guard to be precise. He lets the adrenaline and the excitement of the game fill his veins and plays at his best. He doesn’t score though, which is fine. He’ll do that next time.
They go like this for two hours until Moody dismisses them yelling to “get the hell out of here because he has an important movie date with his wife”.
James hops onto his wheelchair and pushes to the changing rooms.
When finally setting into his car, he pulls out his phone and checks if there are any messages. There are a few from Sirius and Remus and then there is one from Regs.
Regs: can’t believe it’s only Monday. Shoot me, please.
James smiles fondly at that and then his fingers move before he allows himself to think about it.
James: then who is going to entertain me?
Regs: I don’t know, buy yourself a sex doll.
James: :(
James puts aside his phone and starts the car, feeling his shoulders starting to ache after all that wheeling.
~•~
After getting home, James takes a quick shower and heats up some dinner, opening his computer.
All of a sudden his phone starts to ring with an incoming call. James looks it up and reads Regs’s name.
Oh.
Happy emotions start to flow through his body and he almost giggles.
James, contain yourself!
He hasn’t swiped on his phone this fast in his life.
“Regs! Hi!”
“Hi! Am I bothering you?”
“Not at all. How are you?”
He hears a badly concealed sigh on the other side.
“I’m okay. I just finished eating”.
“Oh cool! It was a late dinner for me too today”.
“Well, it’s a miracle that I ate at all today”.
Hearing that, James’s eyes widen in surprise and worry. “What? Don’t tell me you skip meals?!”
“I have this bad habit of forgetting to eat sometimes, yeah”.
James doesn’t like that, but he’s also not too fazed out. One or two of his friends had issues with food or eating in general. It’s always something he found concerning, maybe because it is a sign of another issue. And he’s come to care too much for Regs to ignore that.
“Do I need to come to you and shove food in your mouth?”
He hears Regs exchale a laugh and oh, how he likes that laugh.
“Don’t worry. One of my best friends comes to my house every week to check if I have food in the fridge. And she always leaves something she cooked just in case”.
“Bless them! I’ll have to thank this friend of yours then. Might just plan something together”.
“You know, maybe you’ll like her”.
A her then.
Regs didn’t say girlfriend, he said friend. Stop being so pathetic, James.
“How was your day?” Regs proceeds to ask.
James relaxes against the backrest of his wheelchair and thinks of what to say.
“It was okay for a Monday morning. Went to work and then had basketball practice”.
“Basketball? Such a jock!”
James chuckles at Regs’s light teasing tone. He could tell him “it’s wheelchair basketball which has the same rules of running basketball, it’s just played in wheelchairs because I am in a wheelchair”. But he doesn’t say that. The thought crosses his mind just for a moment and then he tosses it aside. It’s not important now.
“And how was practice?”
“It was okay. Haven’t seen my teammates over the holidays and missed them. We have a game this Saturday, it’s against a strong team, so… yeah, we’ll see how that goes”.
Regs’s reply comes after a beat and his voice now sounds softer, a bit closer too. James is taken slightly aback by that, but he is mostly surprised that it sends shivers through his chest and stomach.
“I’m sure it’s going to be fine. What matters is that you enjoy yourself. You play for fun, right?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m not a professional or anything”. James takes in a deep breath and exhales, pushing his glasses on his nose. “But we can also be competitive”. A moment, then: “What about you and dancing? Is that competitive?”
Regs lets out a little laugh. “It is, especially when you are in the academy or when you audition. I swear, some of the dancers would kill to have a role. But I can be a competitive piece of shit too”.
James snorts. “Oh, why am I not surprised?”
“Well, it’s in my blood. My family’s a bunch of competitive assholes. And this profession doesn’t help in that regard”.
“Hey, I haven’t asked, but… are you preparing for something? Like a show or…”.
“Yeah, I am rehearsing for the Nutcracker. We open the show in March”.
“And let me guess, you are the protagonist”.
Regs chuckles on the other side of the line. “Yeah, but it’s called Principal”.
“Ooooh principal”, James teases lightly. “Well, that’s cool”.
They let the silence fall in the conversation, but it’s not awkward or anything. It’s actually nice. And it only serves for James to feel even more in tune with his stranger-not-stranger.
“And what about the dancing school? You are teaching there, right?” James asks then because there is so much silence he can stand.
“Yeah. I have a class of sixteen and seventeen year olds. They are pretty good. I’m doing modern dance with them and am choreographing something for their recital”.
“That’s cool!” James utters and he’s sincere. He can only imagine how hectic Regs’s life must be, full of dancing and good music and passion. He must be very active and fit. And as much as he appreciates that, he also feels a tight squeeze around his heart at the idea that he might not fit into this kind of life, this kind of person.
“And when is their recital?”
“It’s in May. It’s the first time I can choreograph something. And I found out I really like it”.
James smiles; it’s nice hearing the excitement in Regs’ voice when he’s talking about his passion, it turns even softer.
“Maybe I can watch something of yours”, the words come out of his mouth before he has thought of them and James’s heart skips a beat at the possible reply from Regs.
“Well, why not?” comes the other guy’s answer with a bright laugh.
Oh, James is so screwed. He has to keep that promise now, doesn’t he? Not that he doesn’t want to. He really really wants to. He would even meet Regs right now. It’s just…
“Prongs?” Regs calls him, interrupting that string of unpleasant thoughts he was tying around himself.
“Yes?”
“Would it be alright if we exchanged names? I know strangers are not safe and stuff, but… I kind of feel like we are not strangers anymore. And besides… I don’t want to call you Prongs. It’s stupid”.
James bursts out laughing. “Hey, I’ll let you know, Prongs is a very cool nickname. But yeah, I can tell you my name”.
“No, Prongs is a stupid nickname and I stand by it”, Regs bites back. “Anyway, what’s your name?”
“It’s James”.
A beat. Then…
“James? Really?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing, it’s just… it’s so normal. I thought of something more… I don’t know, exotic or peculiar”.
“Really? And how come?”
Regs sighs. “I guess… dunno, just thought you were the type for a peculiar name”.
James finds himself smiling at that and he’s not even sure why. “Sorry to disappoint you. And what’s your name, then?”
“It’s Regulus”.
Oh.
“Regulus? Well, this is peculiar”.
“It’s the name of a star”.
James furrows his brows. It’s a bit weird but he guesses it’s okay. He knew a guy named Gilderoy and Sirius's cousin's name is Nymphadora, so… Parents can give the most absurd names to their children for the sake of originality. Also, his best friend’s name is Sirius, so…
“It’s beautiful. Regulus”.
He tastes the name in his mouth, on his tongue and he likes the sound of it. Maybe too much.
“Yeah, I like it”.
“Then that’s even better. Not many people like their name”.
“That’s true. Do you like yours, James?”
“I do”.
Silence again. James looks down at the table, a lot of thoughts spinning around his mind. He wants this call to never end.
“Hey, James?” Regulus’s voice drops a bit now, sounding tired and exhausted.
“Hmm?”
“Do you mind if we call it a night? I’m knackered”.
James huffs. “Of course. I better go to bed too”.
“We’ll text tomorrow”.
It sounds like a promise.
“Yeah”
“Goodnight, James”.
“Goodnight, Regulus”.
Click. Regulus hangs up. James remains staring at the black screen of his phone like a fool in love… In love?
~•~
The next day James wakes up in a sort of excited haze and he wouldn’t call himself a poet, but he’s sure the definition he could go for is lavender haze.
All throughout the day he thinks about Regulus and how he misses his texts, his voice, his laugh and even his teasing.
And the following days are no better either. He starts daydreaming and having images of their possible dates.
They don’t call each other again throughout the week and James becomes restless because of it, but he doesn’t say anything. Their texts are also sparse, happening mostly during the night, when they both have more time but having to interrupt after an hour, mainly because Regulus gets tired and James — although exhausted himself — would stay up to talk to him all night if the other boy asked.
It’s becoming harder for James to put a leash on his daydreaming. The voice of reason in his head keeps telling him that he should keep safe, protect his feelings because he doesn’t even know if Regulus is gay or single. But the romantic side in him always wins over that voice. Someone might find it stupid to feel so attracted to a person he’s never met, but James has never really cared about looks. This doesn’t mean he didn’t try to imagine how Regulus looks but he’s sure that no picture his mind can come up with would do him justice.
Regulus is a dancer so he must be fit. Not that James really cares about that. But is he a ballerina-lithe-frame kind of guy or more muscly with broad shoulders? Regulus told him that he also does modern dance and hip-hop, so…
Okay, okay, James, stop!
As much as these growing feelings are beautiful and make him wake up in a good mood, James can’t ignore the fear clouding over his heart and twisting his stomach. Fear for the feelings he has for Regulus and doesn’t know whether they are reciprocated, fear for a possible heartbreak, fear for wandering into a territory he doesn’t know. But above all, there is the fear of rejection after revealing to Regulus that he’s disabled.
James wouldn’t mind being rejected for having bad hair or other physical appearances that, more or less, he can change. But being disabled is what he is and there’s no way he can change that. He won’t wake up tomorrow and walk again. He probably never will, unless the medical field makes some progress in that regard in the foreseeable future.
James doesn’t like to think about it, but his past relationships weren’t great. His first girlfriend was Lily and they broke up before he became paraplegic. Then… It took him a couple of years to throw himself into the dating field. Under Sirius’s push. He tried the dating apps and experimented with different approaches: a couple of times he didn’t say he is a wheelchair user and just showed up to the date, seeing their faces fall in shock and surprise when they saw the wheelchair. They went through the date but the awkwardness was very clear. One guy even got mad at some point for not being warned beforehand and when James asked him, dead-serious, what changed, why should it change anything if they were so connected when talking over the phone, the guy faltered and mumbled something about principals. It wasn’t that, of course, but James didn’t pry. The real answer was written on his face. So, James paid for the dinner, got into his car and cried himself to sleep when he returned home.
But he didn’t give up, he just changed approach and warned the people he agreed to meet about the wheelchair thing beforehand. Some of them straight-up blocked him, but some of them seemed to not care and still dated him. But after a couple of more dates they ghosted him too. Maybe it wasn’t about his disability, maybe it was something else they didn’t like, but they never told him what.
Apart from Lily, there were two other people who were important for James in that sense: a guy he dated for nine months, Jackson. At first, he was nice and kind, they shared some good conversations and Jackson was okay with James’s disability. Or he seemed okay. The thing that sent James mixed signals was that he never met Jackson’s friends and family. It was like the guy was trying to keep James separate from the rest of his life. James could understand that in the beginning of the relationship, but after some time…. Jackson always had some excuse “not this time, maybe the next”, “it’s a night just for the closest ones, no boyfriends or girlfriends allowed”, “no, my friends are not in the mood to meet new people right now”. James is the type to respect other people’s boundaries and give them space so he didn’t complain. But it became unnerving at some point. Jackson met all of James’s friends plenty of times. Then, one day, the truth came out. They met one of Jackson’s friends while sitting at a cafè and when Jackson had to introduce the two of them, he referred to James as a friend. His friends didn’t even know he had a boyfriend. James asked for an explanation and Jackson almost cried when he had to confess that he was ashamed of telling them that he was dating a visibly disabled guy, that his friends weren’t the most accepting people and that sometimes they would make jokes about disabled people. So he didn’t want to become part of that teasing.
James was astounded. He doesn’t remember ever being so mad at someone. But then, he tried to understand and move on. Unsuccessfully. James broke up with him after a week.
The second person was Amelia. Amelia was very chatty and gossipy, she liked clothes and fashion, but she wasn’t vain or cocky. She could get along with everybody, very much like James. They stayed together for three years, she was the only one James introduced to his parents. But after a year into the relationship she started to cheat. James didn’t find out immediately, it took him a few months actually.
Amelia confessed that she didn’t like their sex life and looked for pleasure somewhere else. She didn’t feel good about that — her words — but had needs James couldn’t satisfy. Again, he got angry because, what the fuck did that mean? Yeah, sometimes James had his issues with sex, he still needed time to understand his body, but… Well, that was a low blow. Still, he wanted to forgive and find a way to satisfy her — he was that good — and they stayed together. But Amelia cheated again and again. And James realized that it wasn’t only about him or about their sex life.
After her, he didn’t have other relationships. He had some one-night stands, even though he doesn’t really like sex without feelings attached. But the majority of them went with James giving a blowjob or a cunnilingus and never asking something in exchange in fear of not being able to keep an erection on or to embarrass himself in some way because of his disability. Sex always puts on too much pressure, especially if you are a guy. Of course, nothing of that helped his pride and self-esteem. It took his therapist and Sirius to repair some of that damage.
It’s been two years now that he hasn’t delved into relationships or sex stuff and he feels a bit out of practice.
But back to Regulus… James is not sure how to approach his biggest fear with him. Should he tell him? Probably. But then, maybe Regulus has no intention of meeting with him, maybe he just wants them to stay virtual friends and so James doesn’t have to worry about that. Maybe he is running too fast into all of this.
But what if he told him and Regulus rejects him? What if he doesn’t want to date someone in a wheelchair? Could Regulus be that kind of person? Sure, it’s better to get rid of these people but James knows it would break his heart, he’s screwed already.
James could try to investigate how open-minded and accepting Regulus is through some tactic questions but he’s not very good at subtleties.
But… but… but… what if… what if… what if…
Why does it have to be so fucking hard?
James has many friends he could ask advice to, but it would mean revealing more things about his “secret guy” and he doesn’t feel like doing it; first of all, he doesn’t want to jinx it — he’s a bit superstitious — and second, this kind of fear feels too personal for his friends to know, especially so early into this sort of relationship. Besides, none of his friends are disabled so, really, what kind of advice could they give him to calm his fears? It’s not their fault, of course, it’s just how things are.
James exhales a heavy sigh and buries his face in his hands.
Fuck. This. Shit.