5
5
James wakes up to the sound of the alarm and lazily stretches in his bed, almost tossing the phone on the floor while trying to turn the alarm off.
The bed is so comfy and warm and James doesn’t have any ounce of willingness to get out and face the icy, cold, harsh world outside. It’s just one of those days where he doesn’t have the energy to deal with anything and anyone, and would much rather hide under his blankets.
He’s not always been like this, it was a new development he had to get used to because the world has become so much more difficult to navigate these last ten years, along with people.
Nevertheless, James tries to get rid of the last remnants of sleep and grasp onto reality. His mind then goes immediately to last night and to the fact that he doesn’t remember when or how he fall asleep.
He was doing something in bed, with his phone… he was texting with… oh, fuck!
James grabs his phone hastily, opening the chat with Regs. He remembers sending the last message and while waiting for the other man’s reply he must have fallen asleep.
His insides get tangled in anxiety.
Regs: I’m merciless.
was the last message he received. James exhales a huff, berating himself. It’s stupid, really, to feel this shitty over a text. They weren’t talking about any serious stuff, just teasing each other - well, it was more of Regs teasing James - and James only fell asleep because he was exhausted. He didn’t commit any crime.
But James can’t but hope that this guy isn’t one of those who gets mad for being ignored or if someone doesn’t reply to him for an entire night.
Then he proceeds to write on his phone, typing as fast as his fingers and autocorrect allow him.
James: yes yes, cold-hearted, soulless robot. I’ll believe it when I see it.
James: by the way, sorry for not replying. I fell asleep. Really sorry.
He hopes that it’s enough. It has to be enough. They are still two random strangers who don’t know anything about each other.
This last thought makes James’s stomach churn.
Yeah, he hopes that Regs is not mad at him. It would hurt him to know that he didn’t want to text him anymore, especially over something silly.
Why does he have to overthink everything?
James fights the urge to slap himself for being so obsessive and, with a sudden jerk, he tosses the duvet aside and starts getting up, getting in his wheelchair that always stays next to his bed during the night, and starts getting ready.
He has to prepare for his day, it’s not the right time to work himself up into anxiety over something so dumb.
The day goes as always; James gets to his desk at the office next to Valentina, fixing some bugs and laughing at his colleagues’ jokes. Caradoc tells them that soon they’ll have to start working on a new project and he’s glad for the news. James gets bored easily so when a new challenge or project comes into view he’s always much more excited and eager to put his skills to test.
The message comes sometime after lunch; James feels his phone buzz on the desk where he put it aside and immediately his hands grab it before he even has the time to think of the action.
So much for the subtlety and the not-taking-the-thing-so-seriously, James.
Regs: don’t worry. I was pretty tired too.
Regs: did you sleep well?
James feels his lips tugging at the ends.
James: like a baby.
He rubs his eyes tiredly, hoping for a quick reply, then decides to take a break and wheels to the coffee machine they keep in the little dining room.
Setting at the table, the plastic cup of coffee in one hand and the phone in the other, James scrolls back the chat, re-reading some of the messages and a thought hits him like a thunderstruck: have he and Regs been flirting?
To clarify, James doesn’t want to get delusional or interpret things at his own pleasure, he’s very careful to not read some hidden messages that are not there, but… It’s hard not to think about it, to not notice the pieces and bits of more than friendly teasing in their banter.
What if it is? Flirting.
And what if it is not?
What James really really doesn’t want is to expect something that is not true; he knows nothing about this guy, he might even have a partner or a kid. He might not even be gay. He might not be interested.
But James can’t deny that he likes texting him; Regs makes him smile and improves his mood and all of a sudden there’s an urge settling onto his stomach asking to know more, to know about his story, about him and what might he be like, what are his passions or hobbies and how he likes to spend his evenings and all this stuff.
Also, there have been a couple of times he gave away some private stuff, not enough to reveal the entire story but enough to leave James wondering, and James knows it’s not his business and he’ll never ever push him. Regs is a private person and that’s okay. Besides, it’s not like James has already revealed everything about himself. Far from it. And he isn’t ready. Not at all.
But all this makes him eager to know more, to keep the relationship open and maybe become a confidant. Someone who Regs can trust.
He could ask, of course, offer the plate for a conversation but he doesn’t want to overstep or give away that he is too interested. Probably Regs doesn’t even bother his mind with these thoughts, going about his day without obsessing over him and messaging James when he’s bored. It’s probably just a flick for him, something he’ll toss aside when he finds new stuff to occupy his time.
You are heading into dangerous territory, James.
He’s tempted to write his friends for advice, Lily and Remus could help him understand the situation better and maybe tell him if he’s only imagining the flirting, but he also wants to keep it private.
What can he tell them? That he is developing a sort of crush on a guy he’s never seen and only talked to over a few messages? They wouldn’t tease him, but… They told him to be careful in the past too, to not trust too easily and to not give away his heart like candy because very few people know how to take care of it. And they’ve been right.
James has not been lucky in the relationship department, for many reasons. And he’d be lying if he said that he is not scared. That’s why he hasn’t been dating for some time now. And he misses it.
No matter how much he tries to convince himself of the contrary, he’s made to love and to be loved; he wants that, all of that, a stable relationship, someone to share his big house with, to prepare dinner with, to sit beside on the couch and comment on trashy programs. He wants a family too. Children.
James exhales a sigh and rubs his eyes, downing the last drop of coffee.
How did he go from thinking about his texts with Regs to daydreaming about family and children?
Christ, James! Be rational!
“Hey, James!”
James almost jolts when Valentina calls him from the entrance of the kitchen.
“You okay?”
“Yes, yes”, he watches her go to the coffee machine. “Sorry, gonna go back to work”.
“Oh, I’m not here to berate you. Take your time”, she says cheerfully, casually starting the machine.
“I know, but I really should get back to work”.
“Are you okay, though?” Valentina turns to look at him, a gleam of concern in her eyes.
James smiles. “I am. Just a bit distracted today, but nothing to worry about”.
“Okay. I’ll leave you then”.
“Thanks. See you at the desk”.
James wheels outside the kitchen, getting back to work.
~•~
James is sitting on the floor of his living room, changing the spokes of his wheelchair; he’s had the red ones for a while - red being his favourite colour - but he wanted a change. And also he bought purple spokes some time ago and still hasn’t tried them, so now it is as good a time as any.
After changing the spokes, he grabs the air pump to pump the wheels - the same air pump he once used on his bicycle, how times change - and a wet towel to clean the wheelchair, taking care of it like a precious object. Which is, a precious object. It is his best friend. No, more than that. It’s basically his legs. Without his wheelchair, he wouldn’t be able to go around.
It’s also got a name, Sirius’s idea.
Britney. In honour of Britney Spears.
Britney is a lightweight, total black wheelchair, with an oval frame and a small backrest, easy to manoeuvre and ride. There are no handles so people can’t grab it - because yes, some strangers tend to do it - and Mary made him a colourful sticker that says “mind your business” that he put on the backrest.
James loves Britney. It's not his first wheelchair, but he’s owned it for a while now and hopes to keep it for longer. It’s cool, almost sexy, as Sirius pointed out more than once.
The wheelchair is perfectly adjusted to his body and frame and in tune with his active lifestyle that it helped him get over the awkwardness and the shame of his disability.
Taking care of Britney is a bit like taking care of a puppy; it gives him comfort too and helps him feel less detached.
His first wheelchair… he couldn’t even look at it. Not because it was ugly or anything, it was just the idea of spending the rest of his life in it. He couldn’t look at himself and he avoided mirrors like a plague, seeing a pair of wheels under his butt made him almost sick. It was hard. He couldn’t understand how it could’ve happened to him.
Going from running on a rugby field and doing all sorts of physical activities to being stuck in a wheelchair, completely paralyzed from the waist down was a huge change in his life. Heck!, it was a tragedy for him at that time. He had to do a 180-degree in perspective. A complete overturn. Learn how to do things in a different way, how to adjust, how to abandon what he couldn’t do anymore without breaking down, and find new things to do.
It changed him. It’s like with the ability to walk he also lost some other parts of himself.
Not that he is not the same James, it’s just that… He can see how the world acts around people like him - disabled people - and it makes him cautious, anxious sometimes. Which he never was. He would burst into places and strut around without a care and now… Now a few steps can really be a pain in his ass and literally forbid him to enter a place. No more strutting for him. He used to be able to charm people, to make everybody like him and to dive head-first into every social situation, with no shame and no restraint. Now he never knows how people will act around him if they’ll be normal or treat him with pity and sympathy or compliment him for going out despite his wheelchair. Because people are weird. And if once he was James, the fun guy who could make everybody laugh, now he came to be James, the guy in a wheelchair. No matter how much he proved to be smart, talented, fun, creative and whatnot, he’ll always be the wheelchair guy first, and then the rest. People would always see the wheelchair before anything else.
And it sucks. But he got used to it. He got used to pretending he isn’t bothered by any of that so much that he convinced himself, too. In the end, what matters are the people he loves, his friends and family and his colleagues who never underestimate his skills.
Because he knows he is not just the guy in a wheelchair. The wheelchair is just a trait of his, his way of doing things. Some people use legs, he uses wheels. That’s all that matters.
People will learn to not make a big deal out of it. It’s not like he’s the only disabled person in the world.
James loves his life and all in all he’s lucky, he’s happy. Yeah, there are some things he misses from his previous life and there are some things that make him feel weak and helpless and a burden like the first time he sat in a wheelchair, but it’s been his new year resolution to focus on the good stuff instead of the bad. He won’t be focusing on what he misses but rather on what he has and what he can still have. After all, there are some things he can’t control and getting depressed or angry over it won’t help his cause.
When his wheelchair is finally polished and clean, James prepares to transfer from the floor. When he was learning how to transfer from the wheelchair to other places - couch, chairs, car, bed, etc. - floor transfers have always been a bit more difficult and it took him more time to learn to do that. He still struggles now and wastes more time on that but he always manages eventually. He has to put all of his weight on his arms and going to the gym has definitely helped him to gain strength in his arms, if not for anything else just for this purpose.
With some effort, James sets in his wheelchair feeling proud and grabs the phone from the coffee table. He ignores the group chat and goes for the chat with Regs. The mystery man hasn’t texted him back yet.
James stops to think. Would it be okay if he messaged him again? Would it be too much? Would Regs be bothered?
Ah, fuck! The James of some time ago wouldn’t stress so much about it. He would have acted on instinct.
The worst thing that can happen is that Regs doesn’t reply, so James picks up the phone again from where he left it on his lap and writes quickly:
James: just wondering how’s your day. Hope more interesting than mine.
Then he proceeds to go to the kitchen table and turn on his computer to check some things; new Amazon products, his personal emails, a couple of tech articles and, by the time he’s done with all of that, sleepiness has caught up to him. It’s barely 10 p.m. and he’s already ready for bed; that’s the sign he’s not young anymore. Not as much as he would like.
His phone buzzes and James spots Reg’s name on the screen. He grabs the phone immediately.
Regs: don’t think so. Just got home from work.
James inhales deeply and exhales through his nose, thinking carefully about his next text. But then another message arrives.
Regs: was your day okay?
James smiles softly feeling a burst of warmth going through his body at the idea of Regs caring about him and his life.
James: it was okay. Uneventful, but okay.
James: sorry if I ask and you may not reply if you don’t want to, but what do you do as a job? Since you got home so late I was wondering…
Then he waits for the reply. It takes a while to come back and James stands there, worrying a bit, nervously chewing on his lower lip. He tries to distract himself by looking at the computer but to no avail.
When he looks back at the phone, Regs’s chat has three dots moving under his name signalling that he’s writing.
Regs: I don’t mind and I’m a dancer.
Oh.
Oh.
That he did not expect. Not that he expected anything specific— he actually didn’t even think what job Regs might be doing, but a dancer isn’t someone you meet every day.
Also, this shifts some things regarding their possible compatibility. Regs must be some cool, tall guy with a lithe and strong frame and long legs who likes to spend time with athletic people, maybe people who can and like to dance, whereas James is just a normal guy in a wheelchair. He can’t walk and definitely he can’t dance.
James tries to calm down his racing heart and breath deeply. There is no point in doing that. There is nothing between Regs and him so it’s pointless to be panicking like this and building castles in the air.
James: cool. What kind of dance do you do?
Regs: ballet. I am the leading figure in a small ballet company here in London. But I also teach in a dance school, classic and modern. Hip-hop too sometimes.
James is impressed. He likes hip-hop moves, he would improvise some when he was younger but never got the gist.
James: wow. You must be very versatile. Where do you find the time to do all of that?
Regs: I don’t ;) usually, I have rehearsals during the day and courses in the evening, from Monday to Thursday.
James: it must be tiresome.
Regs: it is, but I like it. Keeps my mind busy.
James: that’s what matters, I guess.
Regs: and you?
James: me what?
Regs: what do you do for a living?
James: oh, I work for a videogame company. I do the coding part.
Regs: so you’re that kind of nerd. And here I thought you were a jock.
James: they’re not mutually exclusive ;) I can be both.
Regs: so you like to confuse people. And you just admitted that you are a jock.
James: I am, just not the kind you would think of.
Regs: yeah yeah, they all say that.
James: hey, what should I say about you, ballerina guy?
Regs: ha! Don’t judge a book by its cover, remember?
James: what we do says a lot about us.
Regs: hmmm I’m not sure it’s always like that.
James: what do you mean?
Regs: well, it depends on what life brings you, I guess.
James: that’s true. But you like being a dancer, right?
Regs: I do. And do you like working with video games, Prongs?
James: I do. A lot actually.
Regs: then we are two lucky lads.
James: yes, we are.
James stops to think about these last messages they exchanged and the deeper meanings. How many times has he thought of being lucky? They told him even then , the only time he didn’t feel lucky at all but rather at the lowest point in his life.
You are lucky, James, you got out. You could have died.
What’s luck supposed to even mean? But Regs’s right: there are not many people who are lucky to do what they like.
James: hey, I was wondering… I don’t want to seem insistent or annoying but I hope writing to me doesn’t bother you so much. If it does, just tell me and I’ll stop.
Again, the reply takes some time to arrive and James worries that he might be taking things too far and too seriously. He’s not sure how to act in all of this, it’s the first time he happens to text someone he doesn’t know and the first time in a long time he likes someone. Who won’t indulge in the liking part, but he likes Regs.
After all, people talk to online strangers all the time.
Regs: I never do what I don’t want to do.
A diplomatic answer. Fine, he can do with that.
James: good to know :)
Regs: besides, I like talking to you.
I like talking to you.
I like talking to you.
This doesn’t have to mean anything. No, no. It doesn’t mean anything. But James has to bite his own tongue to hold back a squeak.
He rubs his eyes to regain some composure.
Keep cool, James. Keep cool.
James: good to know <3 I know I’m just a stranger over a phone, so…
Regs: Prongs…
James: yes?
Regs: don’t fret. I don’t bite. Well, unless I don’t like someone, and you are quite lucky.
It’s already too late, James thinks. He’s already fretting and overthinking and daydreaming. There is no way he could pretend this doesn’t mean anything.
Regs: I’m going to bed now, I’m exhausted. But if you want we could arrange a call one of these days. So we’ll be less strangers.
James almost drops his phone while his eyes bulge. How did things escalate so quickly? Not that he minds but he wouldn’t expect Regs to propose this. James gets that he is a cautious person, someone who is not very keen on trusting people easily, so him offering a phone call, an actual phone call where they can talk to each other, hear each other’s voices…
Okay, okay, don’t fret.
When he types a message his hands are heavily shaking.
James: sure, I would like a phone call. We’ll arrange it. Go to sleep and dream sweet dreams :)
Regs: :3
He’s screwed.
***
If anybody's wondering if I had a specific wheelchair in mind for James, the answer is yes!! This one!!
('cause I want it too. Besides, the guy in the video might be a good FC for James ^^).
Follow me on Tumblr!