Chapter 6
In the end, judges accepted Dumbledore’s offer and let James and Sirius to share the second place. The third task was set to take place on June 24th. No factor of surprise this time, and no riddle – the construction of enclosure were going to be open for everyone to see. James was curious, of course, of what third task demanded that it needed to be building for weeks, but he had to wait until the May to see it.
The days became more windy and transparent going into March, and James was very plainly and selfishly pleased to find out that next Hogsmeade visit was planned on 27th. He was on higher wave most of the time anyway, because Sirius was there to work with him and Peter on improving that unfinished Hogwarts map, walking the ground, even studying in library. Just sitting among books and parchments near Sirius was invigorating, this feeling marked wonderful and ours that zipped through him every time they as much as looked at each other. He noticed this spike in heartbeat, lightness in mind even better because James definitely could not indulge into this as much as he wanted when his friends needed consideration, too.
This full moon Remus was more restless and down than usual. In the end he started a whispered argument with Lily the day he was supposed to go to hospital wing, and when Remus stormed off from the lakeside they walked, Lily stayed on her place, her eyes gleaming with angry tears.
“He seems to be hitting a jerk phase,” Sirius observed, slightly frowning. Lily laughed at that, short and unhappy sound.
“No, but his illness causes him a lot of grief, and he has been ill as long as we all know each other. I just don’t understand why I can’t stay with him in hospital wing if James and Peter can.”
“We got the permission on 5th year only. Remus needs time to believe we’re not turned away by his problem.” James smiled a little, tried to catch Lily’s eyes and could see that this barely consoled her. And yet James told her the most honest truth he could without exposing the secret that still wasn’t his. Lily was smart, she could figure out the werewolf angle, and honestly, by Sirius’ face James was sure that he knew already, but it didn’t really matter in the question of trust. Even if it would be so much easier if Remus allowed Lily and Sirius in, then they wouldn’t look so puzzled, hurt (Lily) and disgruntled (Sirius) at the fact that James and Peter were going to spend this evening with Remus and they were excluded.
James broached the subject with Remus next afternoon in hospital wing while they transcribed all documented cases of Felix Felicis going awry. He was not too surprised that Remus shook his head and said with tired smirk “If it’s a tactic so I throw you away and you can wander off with Sirius to enjoy privacy, it’s working.”
Peter sniggered, yet he looked slightly alarmed by the prospect of James taking Remus on his offer. The picture was damn inviting, but they needed to finish essays till tomorrow, and he was not leaving Remus to help Peter out alone.
“I just think we can trust them, Moony,” James shrugged, putting more effort into Slughorn’ homework.
“Of course you do.” This time smile was more genuine, even if it was not what James wanted, Remus being amused by his naiveté or eagerness.
Remus and Lily seemed to quietly make up by the first breakfast after Remus came back, but it still hung between all them untangled. James, however, could not pay it enough attention at all.
By owl mail he found out that dad was sick, and parents won’t be coming for his birthday. Father’s health was never too stable, and any illness serous enough now in his age was the worst news. James was not enough of a happy-go-lucky idiot he sometimes tried to be, and he got scared deeply before those few times father was actually very sick for months and mother was constantly agitated and couldn’t sleep, just pacing her room up and down all night. James was different even as a child, anxiety turned inside and drained him, weakened, it was taking enormous effort into finding distractions and committing to them. Helplessness was the hardest, it brought the realization that one day it will happen, one illness will be the last.
James understood Remus better than before those days when he tried to put away the worry and enjoy any and every escapade he and Sirius could come up with, not dragging him into wallow he couldn’t fix. And at the same time he was even more sure that Remus was making a mistake with all the futile secrecy, because even when James could not keep the excitement going – he got tired faster with all the dismay – Sirius was there, and he was making it all so much more bearable.
They sat together in the seclude, most hidden castle corners, and Sirius maneuvered James to lean on his chest, joined the arms around him and just held. Sometimes he was talking, anecdotes of his studying days in Durmstrang (they sent students to fight mountain giants as fifth year exam, the practice that Sirius enjoyed far more than Regulus) or plans he was making about what he wanted to do after (travel, somewhere warm and colorful, as far from London as it can be). The sound and feel of his voice, the warmth of his embrace took away the brittle fatigue and James could smile without making himself to. And sometimes Sirius was quiet, easing away the tension by touch. His fingers treading James’ hair, slow, tender kisses on the temple, corner of squinting eye, edge of smiling lips.
“I didn’t know you could be this soft.” James teased, turning back so he could return the affection. There was something so courtly in kissing the face all over, feeling the laughter under tingling lips.
“I didn’t know, either.” Sirius held his face and leaned in, pressing a kiss right to the centre of his lips, firm, full, with eyes closed.
The morning of his birthday James was awoken by insistent tap on the window. A his bed was the closest to the window, he was the only one disturbed, it seemed by peaceful even breath of Remus and Peter.
It was unfamiliar barn owl with a crème-white envelope that didn’t have a return address. Only James Potter, Gryffindor Tower was there, in handwriting James didn’t recognize. He was not too sleepy and could feel that inside was something grainy, not a greeting card.
The first thought was that it was a beginning of birthday prank prepared by Remus and Peter, but when James listened closer, their breathing sounded natural, not measured enough to be pretend. Then James remembered, and it made his grin illogically wider.
Maybe that was congratulations from Mrs. Black.
The right and reasonable thing was to destroy the envelope. But James was awake alone at the first morning of being eighteen, and he didn’t want to get jinxed in particular, no, just satiate his curiosity. What did Sirius’ mother chose to hit him with? Was he worthy of something truly nasty?
He conjured a vial and cut the envelope with his wand. The blindingly white powder poured out with soft hiss, and James almost managed to catch all of it with the vial. Almost.
The moment grains fell on the naked skin of his wrist, it burned like hot molten wax, and the pain kept on seeping through his hand, covering it with grey crust. James yelped from surprise and pain mixed, and he was so loud Remus and Peter jerked awake immediately.
Remus was swearing under his breath while he dragged James to the hospital wing, not letting him even throw on the robe over pajamas, Peter ran after them, clutching sealed vial and the envelope in dragon-skin gloved hands. Tears were misting James’ eyes from the burn but he laughed, waving to gossiping portraits with his healthy hand. Day started rather eventfully.
Madam Pomfrey was in equal part disturbed and frustrated when she saw James’ hand and examined the powder: “Just why in Merlin’s name you decided to play with that thing?” Turned out one couldn’t heal it with easy potion or wand flick, she had to remove the burned skin and heal the wound separately. James was told to keep the bandage a day at least and never again use Burman Boiling Powder for entertainment purposes. Unfortunately, James was too impressed by the substance to convincingly pretend that he’s realizing the danger and will be more careful in the future – he never heard of it before, it must have been something new or very rare.
By the time they returned to the tower to change, almost everyone were heading for breakfast. Gryffindors were cheering him, apparently deciding that they three were up to something fun on their pajama party. James, honestly, felt very much like it and grinned in earnest, in the corner of his eye seeing Remus’ frowning.
Up in the Tower owl from home waited James behind the window already, not finding him in Great Hall. Remus and Peter agreed to go to breakfast without him, and James crawled in his bed to read the letter and have a very messy, immature and delicious breakfast with birthday cake mum and dad sent him.
Father was getting better, slowly but surely, and it was the best, the only gift James needed to receive today. Strong joy was almost as draining as strong worry, but James loved being weakened by it, and it was easier to pull himself together and walk down, anyway. He had plans for today’s Hogsmeade visit, and he wanted to finally see Sirius as soon as he was able.
It was rather quiet in the corridor when James left the common room, even younger students probably wanted to check if the weather today was as good as it looked from the window – gently sunlit under watercolor-blue sky. But one person seemed to find something urgent to do – in a part of castle James haven’t seen him before, if he’s honest.
Snape was most likely walking back from the Owlery, there was no logical explanation to why else he would climb all the way up there. When he noticed James, though, his face didn’t twist into grimace of displeasure and anger. Snape sneered, wide and vindicated, as if witnessing his plan working perfectly. He was looking at James’ bandaged wrist, and it all suddenly was so plain James laughed out loud. It was just very like Snape, running there alone to gloat and giving James the perfect chance to wipe this ugly relish off his face.
“Aren’t you a ray of sunshine today of all days?” James smiled sweetly, making Snape’s expression to contort when he pulled his wand. “Have sent another anonymous letter?”
James could wait, could let Snape fish out his wand and snarl, get more and more furious and distracted: “Finally you’re getting what you deserve, strutting swine --”
It was a treat of its own, to disarm Snape just at the moment he tried to Stun James, and watch as his face was becoming blotchy at being bested. He still remembered what was coming after losing his wand to James.
James was going to be reserved and stop at Incarcerous, he would even leave Snape his wand just a bit out of reach – but then he heard Sirius calling his name and felt his grin widening. Sirius would appreciate to know who was his mother’s little informant.
“What’s the occasion for exercise? Did he bother you?” Sirius asked, wincing with contempt at incapacitated Snape.
“Actually, he was helpful for a change.” James intoned, enjoying the way Snape’s eyes widened in hopeless rage and fear. “Now I know for sure who tipped Mrs. Black that you do as you damn well please.”
For a split moment Sirius’ face froze completely, and then cutting, cruel smirk stretched his lips.
“She wouldn’t let you lick the dirt from her shoes if she knew, slimy coward,” he said, slow and disgusted, and raised his wand. “I may even open her eyes. Have a taste of what she’ll do to half-blood who dares to address her --”
It was the same spell Sirius used on Korrigan, pinning Snape to the floor and constricting his breathing. James watched his face becoming leaden red and recognized this rush, this elation of crossing the line and letting a jinx to hit heavier. James remembered that this was the reason he had to stop - but now it felt even more gratifying. The pristine control Sirius had over the spell and the effortless way he made it lean harder on Snape, who was gritting his teeth from pressure on his chest…
“You have to teach it to me sometime.” He said honestly, and this was the last point he’d given in to this messed-up (delicious) feeling of being right and powerful. “And you probably have to let him go. Wouldn’t want committing atrocities on my birthday.”
“Not even a little?” Sirius asked, still smirking with his eyes dark, and his wand still pointing at Snape’s chest for a moment – before he lowered it and dropped the spell.
“There’s always tomorrow,” James shrugged, feeling lightweight and a little out of himself. There were tears in Snape’s eyes – relief or humiliation, it was hard to say.
It was a long time since James gone this far, and it felt like he’d done it even if it was Sirius casting. And Sirius still grinned, wild, crooked and a little grim, and James smiled too. He wasn’t even startled by the way unkind parts of them responded to each other so perfectly – it was more spectacular than scary.
James kicked Snape’s wand closer to him and pulled Sirius away, down the narrow staircase. Only in the middle of passage when Sirius stopped him by holding up his palm James remembered that it was bandaged hand.
“She did it?” Sirius asked, words sharp and short despite the way his fingers held James’ wrist so carefully. “My mother sent something to you?”
“I’m not sure.” James admitted quietly. “It might have been Snape with his merry friends, Avery and Mulciber, those two are probably rich enough for Burman Boiling Powder.”
Maybe it was not right, to shift the blame when Snape was not far and so easy to take the anger out on, but James wasn’t lying, he had no way to proof it really was Mrs. Black. Yet Sirius’ face was not sharpened by anger, it was haunted and almost pained.
“No, James, I think it was her. And it was because of me.” He said, voice hollow. “I wrote to her, after you told me about her letter. Told her she had no right to threaten you if she wants me to stay her heir.” Sirius snorted at this, bitter and twisted expression. “ I imagine it made her howl with rage, she always hated it when I talked back. I thought she would direct her anger at me after this. But my mother is mad, not stupid. She knew - to get me regret this, she had to hurt you.”
The last words were said very quietly while Sirius looked aside from James. Then he smiled, small, darkened and hurt, let go of James’ hand and moved past James like he wanted to just leave, lock up on Durmstrang ship until he wrestled guilt and anger down.
They were bind in so many ways but James was not to ignore that they were not identical, that what was good for him might not be for Sirius. He knew it – and still couldn’t let Sirius distance himself when he was troubled, didn’t want to abandon him alone, especially today, when he had a reason to be selfish, when he had such a perfect distraction prepared. So, James stepped a stair before Sirius and caught his gaze, it was even easier now, when he was looking up at him.
“Sirius, we have to face it, I got hurt by my own stupidity.” James said, shrugging, and didn’t let Sirius’ sharp scoff deter him, just smiled. “I could destroy the letter, but I wanted to see what she would come up with.”
For a moment Sirius looked like he could not quite believe his eyes, then he shook his head and James felt his posture relax a quarter. Sirius smiled like he couldn’t help it and absolutely didn’t want to.
“Burman Boiling Powder, I’ll have you know, is madly expensive.” Sirius said, messing up James’ hair and stepping on his stair when James pulled him closer. “And you are madly lucky, it leaves lasting damage if you breathe it in.”
Day rolled so smoothly after, fresh and crisply clear. Hogsmeade visit and friendly rapport with Rosmerta gave James an opportunity to make this year birthday party the most big and loud one he ever had. He rented Three Broomsticks for one evening and made it open for anyone - all Houses, locals, Beauxbatons and Durmstrang students. Lily was far from the only one who rolled her eyes at expenses James has gone to, but he wasn’t outright lying when he told her “Inter-Houses and international bonds of friendship, Lily, don’t you love it?” Today James wanted color, noise and movement and he wanted as much of it as he could get.
And he was more successful in it than skeptical Lily thought. After his lucky heroics of second task students from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons seemed to regard him with more interest, and Hogwarts crowd from other Houses just were curious to see Gryffindor celebration brought out in the open.
James and Remus charmed the radio so it switched languages and genres depending on what song got more loud votes from attendees. One could dance, one could enjoy drink and snack of choice - all in all, everyone did what they wanted in their groups of interests and could join whatever was the most appealing. The only time everyone seemed to unite was when they all toasted for James’ birthday, and he jumped on the table to drink his mead in one go and then fall on the hands of Sirius and Remus.
James never heard so many raunchy jokes as when their table started impromptu contest and Mary with Lily won, even though Mundungus Fletcher was a strong competitor and Rosmerta wanted to give laurels to James and Sirius. They started to invent their own anecdote, following each other’s suggestions, and in the end of their story it was scary to ponder what twelve raucous characters were up to in one bar.
Then someone started fireworks in the room – booming loud, strong and fiery - and to save the building James, Sirius, Pauline Maxime and Regulus steered it out in open air, the rest of the people followed, cheering and gasping. It was great magical work, golden lions and silver unicorns running around the gently darkening sky and dissolving into clouds of bright lights that were visible a while after.
“Sorry,” Pauline said, throwing her hair back and looking up to admire the glow. “I was a bit careless.”
“Or you were making sure no one will miss the show.” Sirius laughed, and she shrugged with a smirk. Sirius was alight, eyes shining fiery and wild, affected and distracted by loud party and hot drinks just in the way James wanted – and maybe a little further. He swung an arm over James’ shoulder and swayed him closer while they were watching the lights of fireworks fade away, his breath heated over James’ neck when he leaned in to whisper “Wait till you see my present.”
When they returned back at Three Broomsticks with a crowd a little quieter and spare, Sirius still stayed closer to James than he generally did in public, sitting almost on his lap, and James was far from complaining. Like it often happened with him on the certain edge of being happily, elatedly intoxicated, James decided to switch activity to something more cerebral.
“Have you, by chance, thought about stable plottable charm that will hold all floors on one map, and stuff like this?” James asked, brushing hair from Sirius’ eyes and reveling in the way Sirius was letting him, leaning into the movement of his palm. Lily cleared her throat, Regulus sighed, Remus and Peter chuckled, but Sirius completely ignored them all. Honestly, James too barely registered they were still there.
“You keep me around only to exploit my talent.” Sirius smirked, leaning back out of reach. “But I have. And I know a solution.”
Peter was mostly confused by his charm diagram drawn on folded napkin, Lily and James were impressed, Regulus and Remus - skeptical. To test if Sirius’ invention will hold up, James needed a map and he was intrigued enough to just go and fetch it from the Tower, but he knew the loud public part of celebration ended, anyway. He was waiting until desire to spend the rest of the evening alone with Sirius won over strong but fleeting itch to perfect the map right now with his help. In hindsight, James shouldn’t have taking his precious time.
“Now you can make your ventures out of the castle easy.” Sirius said leisurely, and he was supposed to be addressing everyone, but he looked only at James. “And you can take me with you on full moon, to show how grateful you are that I fixed it for you.”
It was crossing the lines, and not in a fun way anymore because lines were not James’. Lily and Regulus frowned, Peter fidgeted, but James was watching Remus - still smiling, still letting it slide.
“It’s not for James to decide.” Remus shook his head firmly, his smile more a polite thing, and that was the moment when Sirius looked at him, as if for the first time noticing.
“It’s not?” he asked, taunting, sardonic, tilting his head a little, and Remus’ smile froze. “Can’t you be more gracious? James did invent a way to be safe from bites --”
Remus stood so abruptly he knocked his goblet, but he wasn’t looking at Sirius, disregarded stricken Lily, he was looking at James and it was piercing, pain and anger of betrayal in his eyes.
“Yes, it’s not James’ decision, and it never will be.” Remus uttered with difficulty, as if every word was scalding in his throat. For a moment James thought Remus will hex him there and then, but he just turned around and darted away, not looking back at Lily calling his name.
James stood up too, all headiness gone. He could not understand why Remus thought this, and at Lily’s silent demanding expression only shook his head. Turning back to Sirius, James wanted to slap himself for the way it really felt less significant when Sirius said, again looking only at him, raising eyebrows in slight amusement: “Does he truly think it’s that hard to put together?”
“It’s a little worse than that.” James said, smiling because he was hopeless when it came to Sirius. “He thinks I told you, you think you figured it out, and you both are wrong.”
He found Sirius’ hand and almost didn’t want to let go, seeing how his grin faltered a little when James decidedly said “I’ll start dispelling the confusion with him. Let’s meet by the main entrance.” Sirius looked almost affronted and moved to stand, too, when Regulus caught his sleeve. James made himself flee the bar while they were arguing - before he lost the nerve and took Sirius with him.
James calculated right and caught up with Remus on the main road, half-way to the castle. His shoulders were rigid and he pushed James away when he tried to slow his pace and catch his elbow.
“Just tell me, what was so hard,” he was not looking at James, addressing instead dark bushes by the road, grey ground under their feet, distant crescent moon. “What was so impossible about keeping from him one secret? --” he laughed, low and out of control.
“I told Sirius nothing,” James answered, not letting Remus walk past him even when he pulled out a wand. “He figured it out himself, like me and Peter on second year --”
The jet of scarlet sparks hit the ground under James’ feet, and he felt the whiff of biting heat. Remus trembled hard, as he was sometimes before the transformation. James didn’t step back, and didn’t reach forward, he met Remus’ gaze and held it. He knew Remus needed time to see he was telling the truth, to measure and believe.
“It doesn’t change much.” Remus huffed dryly after stretched silence. “Sirius would still want to be included no matter the conditions. And I thought I could split up with Lily on my own terms. I have only two months until N.E.W.T.s…”
They were still alone on the twilight road, and it felt so strange that half an hour ago James was carefree happy about his celebration and couldn’t even guess he’d have to reinforce obvious things.
“First of all, Lily’s not dumping you because you’re a werewolf, but carry on running off like that and she will have a good reason.” James said, feeling almost stupid that he had to talk this point through. He didn’t have intuitive understanding of Lily, but even the parts he could see as an observer were enough to be sure. “Second of all, you’re not expelled. Dumbledore will not give in if there’s no cold hard manslaughter, and this – no, don’t hex me yet – this brings me to third point of it all. Sirius’ not an idiot,” James huffed too, letting the tension to ease. “Once he knows why only me and Peter can do it, I’m sure he will back down.”
“Are you?” Remus’ tone was still cutting, even without fight. “I think Sirius will be even worse.”
“We’re not inviting him on full moon if you don’t want to.” James thought this was obvious too; he almost laughed and held himself together because he knew it would be too soon. Honest to Merlin, James and Sirius could bear a day apart even if it was better if they didn’t have to --
“We’re not?” Remus snapped, as if reading his thoughts. “You're in too deep for each other. New and exciting, equals in everything: talent, rogue attitude, even Tournament.” He paced the road frantically and then stopped abruptly, his gaze exigent. “You want to share everything, do you think you’d be able to accept it if there’s a restriction?”
“I was able to wait until I have what it takes, as we both seen. I trust he can do it, too, and maybe then you will believe that he’s in this not because of me, but because he can be your friend.” James wasn’t smiling anymore, insistent and almost indignant, but Remus was shaking his head anyway.
“You’re so sure you know how to manage us. Nothing like James Potter to tame the monsters, is that it?” The worst part was that Remus wasn’t shouting, wasn’t spitting out venomous remark. He said it with defeated fondness, he almost smiled even, and it felt no better than if Remus cursed him.
“You know that I don’t think so about any of you.” James said, his lips suddenly numb.
Remus still smiled his pale understanding smile, and James felt so tired. They rarely got to the bone of it, of something Remus could never shed. He would never heal from transformations, never truly feel normal – and never would fully reject the idea that for James he was a dangerously fun charity case. It was hard to even be angry on Sirius’ behalf in this, the parallel Remus drawn visible and useless to argue; after they experienced Black family values Remus could not see it other way. It was a long day, too long for any prolonged squabbles and reassurances. So James just walked past Remus towards the castle, feeling that if he tried to catch up James would run.
Remus didn’t. It was not the best finale for the talk, but by the morning they would be fine because no matter how much Sirius was already part of James, he was not going to be a part of the full moons if Remus so decided. James worried more that Sirius took offence after being left at Broomsticks and would not want to meet up with him tonight. This brought James lower than anything else could. It would ache all night, this unresolved notch, lack of goodbye, James never before was so in sync with anyone and after all this time he spend with Sirius, it felt only worse, falling out of stride.
But Sirius was there, near the tall main doors already, leaning back at the stone railing in all the grace of his staged indifference. He had to use secret passage to get there so fast. James could physically feel heart throbbing in his chest and all but run up the stairs to him.
“Waiting for someone?” James grinned, feeling almost drunk again. How stupid it was to doubt when he felt joy and relief going both ways with Sirius’ face brightening like this.
“I promised you a present, after all.” Sirius led him down the main stairs, back into silk-chilly evening.
“I feel bad about it already. After all, I haven’t got you anything in November.” James messed up his hair in a gesture that was only a little played up. It was not like he would lavish his rival with gifts back when they were trading insults, true, but now he had a gap tricky to make up for and felt a bit sheepish.
Sirius only laughed. “Don’t worry, I will not let you forget it. And, by the way, there’s a condition, I have to Disillusion you. ”
James had much preferred method of invisibility, and maybe this decision was a little sudden, but one thing Remus said to him was truth to the letter. He wanted to share everything with Sirius, why not start unveiling of secrets with one of his favorite?
“Just to make sure,” James turned to him, getting his wand out. “The condition is that I have to be invisible?”
“If you can make Disillusionment charm do something else, I’m waiting.” Sirius chuckled, leaning back to watch. James bit his tongue and raised the wand, giving his all to non-verbal Summoning Charm aimed at Gryffindor Tower.
Just a few moments of amusement in Sirius’ eyes, and then the wide-eyed recognition when invisibility cloak flew in James’ hands, feather-light, shining, soft.
“The finest work I’ve seen,” Sirius breathed when James handed it over. He weighted it on his hand, smoothed the airy material. “Is it new?”
“Wrong guess,” James smiled, admiring the careful curiosity of Sirius’ movements while he inspected the cloak. “Family heirloom. Works better than any concealment spell I could find, look…”
He snatched the cloak from Sirius’ fingers and pulled it on in one swirling motion. Sirius laughed, stepping closer, but James moved just away from his outstretched hand, and he stopped, eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Come on, you are right here!” Sirius lighted the wand and stepped forward again, looking past him and not seeing any tremble of air that always shown Disillusionment. James held his breath, measuring a movement, it had to be fast and damn precise so he wouldn’t break Sirius’ wand or his own glasses…
He caught the exact moment, diving under Sirius’ raised arm and pulling the cloak over both of them. Startled breath flew from Sirius’ lips to his, James never caught him off guard so completely before and could marvel up close how beautiful it was, stark naked surprise on his face softening into whispered laughter.
“Our legs are visible like this.”
“Then put the light away,” James almost didn’t have to lean in to plant the kiss, and yet he stretched this moment, caressing slow inhale before the touch, he wanted to watch and remember this up close the expression on Sirius’ face, so open when he was happy.
Durmstrang ship towered over them, dark and yet seemingly weightless on the backdrop of violet sky, on the cold glancing lake water.
“Do not wander away from me,” Sirius whispered, looking back over his shoulder and still a little past James hidden under cloak. “Here we Obliviate intruders, so – discreet and quiet.”
Sirius drew the complicated runic succession in the air and the gangway was let down. James walked right after him, step to step, the beat away from stumbling, still barely believing he was boarding the ship. If there was a school in the world more invested in secrecy than Durmsrang, he had yet to hear of it.
The movement of water on the deck felt less than James thought. He never before was on any ship, believed them to be a variant of magical transport no longer in use. It took time, getting used to feeling solid wood under his feet, ropes that steered now folded sails stiff under his fingers-- The ship creaked, grumbling rumble of warning, and Sirius huffed “So much for discreet”, reaching below the swinging rope and catching James’ hand trough soft invisible fabric.
The door Sirius stopped before looked more magically protected, and the row of runes he drew in the still air were glowing a few long moments, letting James to ponder if he would have enough time to jump down in the water and swim across the lake. But the ship made the decision in their favor, door opening quietly and Sirius reached behind, grabbing the hand James offered readily and pushing him inside.
“I’ve spent weeks to get right the runic password to navigation room,” Sirius whispered over his ear, lifting the cloak, and James nodded absent-mindedly, barely aware that he was holding his breath. It felt that they stepped into stellar map made alive. The light of moving constellations was cold and soft when James passed through it. The closest magic James saw was the ceiling in Great Hall, but this room felt living, breathing and pulsing with the starts. Looking down, James saw the earth down below, he stood far, far higher than he ever flew or could hope to fly, fields, forests and cities unbelievably small. He almost felt like he was losing balance, grabbing Sirius’ hand tight so his head wouldn’t spin.
“How do you even navigate something here?” James asked, voice thin with awe.
“All you need is two bodies of water,” Sirius answered, raising his wand. “And then you just draw the path by the stars. Like this.”
The movement of his wand lit the thin line between the stars, and James moved forward on instinct, almost ready for the room to revolve under his feet. But it was still, and he just walked over steps of dark blue water rippled with little, finely drawn moving waves until he was standing on the edge of Iceland. Then, over large even from immense high icebergs in the vast lake, and finally over the miniature castle beneath black mountain.
“Only Durmstrang students ever knew where the school is.” Sirius was smiling when James looked over the shoulder, eyes pleased and proud. “You might be the first outsider in history with the memory intact. That is, if no one bust us.“
James rushed trough constellations, light sliding like silk through him, and when he threw arms over Sirius he tipped them both backwards. Three stars traced Sirius’ face, the brightest over his lips, and James held his chin, surged forward and felt the star under the kiss - trembling, melting between their touch.
When they left the navigation room, James felt like floating on heightened senses, points of heat blooming were like marks on his bitten lips, under the hair messed by fast fingers. By mad fortunate chance they met no one on their way towards the stern of the ship, or else James would surely give them away. With restless glee he tapped Sirius’ shoulders, brushed his spine with hand hidden by the cloak - making them laugh, reducing all secrecy to nothing.
“I want to see where you live here,” James breathed over Sirius’ ear through the fabric. It was exactly what they shouldn’t have done, pushing luck this far already, and that’s why James couldn’t back down. Sirius looked back through him, grinning, and whispered back so quietly James was rather reading his lips. “You might as well.”
With no one was topside it almost felt like ship was deserted, but when Sirius opened the door leading down, James heard muffled voices, and saw the long row of doors on the both sides of narrow dark corridor. The thick old wood supported by magic woven into every panel made it impossible to discern spoken words, left only deep murmur. It was surprising, how lived in the ship felt, how protective of the lives on its deck.
With smooth wave of his wand Sirius opened the second door on the left. It had no written name on, but inside the small cabin was made as personal as Sirius was able. It had little furniture – bed, chair, table and trunk, magical lights in the sphere under the ceiling, narrow window, and the walls covered by posters. Most of them depicted musicians, and James did a double take to make sure that – yes, it was Muggle photos with people forever frozen in one pose, with one expression.
James dragged the cloak off and threw it on the chair with a careless gesture, as if he did it every evening, and it was not that surprising - how natural it felt. By the amused half-nod of Sirius James understood that he was allowed a little snoop. The papers on the table were not very neat, and James took the thin parchment to look at this closer – complex and detailed scheme of Muggle motorbike drawn by hand, with notes on Levitation charms littered with question marks and cross lines.
“I’ve never seen you this concentrated.” Sirius chuckled. He was still standing near the door, watching James with half-smile both content and insatiate.
“Doesn’t it ever get strange? Them always staying in one place.” James gestured around, making a step to Sirius anyway, even though he was a little distracted, he never saw so many unmoving images at once.
“I think it’s calming,” Sirius shrugged, catching his palm in almost dance-like motion. “For me, at least. You should have heard mother when she saw what I did with my room back home --”
The easy expression darkened, but before thought could take root, James went for most obvious distraction. His blood was still hot, his face still warm, the words were on the tip of his tongue anyway from the moment he stepped inside. So James led them both back and plopped on the bed – quite narrow – to ask in dramatic sultry tone.
“Well, I reckon I know where this birthday present idea is really going. Have you bought me dinner yet, by the way?”
Crude, yes, but when was James elegant – and what did it matter if Sirius was grinning again, letting himself to be pulled closer, leaning over. His lips were dry and fast – and then the kiss opened, long, heavy, breathless.
James registered that Sirius tipped him back only when he was supine on the bed already. They parted on the crest of shortened breath, of hot blush, and Sirius leaned up, holding himself above him - hands on the both sides of James’ head, knees framing his hips. The trace of grin on his lips, it was still a dare, and then James scooted up, fingers grazing the pulse point on his neck, sliding lower to unfasten the fine silver clasp. Looking as dizzy as James felt, Sirius reached to him in turn and slowly slid the glasses away.
When James and Sirius stepped on the ground, the dawn was almost there, sky airy lilac. James shed the cloak almost immediately and they walked still close, Sirius’ hand over his shoulder, James’ holding his waist, they supported each other, swaying as if drunk, laughing and out-of-body lightweight.
James felt the robes on his skin like something new, the sensation of fabric highlighted the memory of bare touch, heat and muscle strength. He loved this day already, first day of the rest of his life where he knew Sirius as closely as himself, felt and trusted to feel most sensitive spots, most unrestrained and vulnerable emotions.
They still didn’t want to let go of each other, walking around the lake, almost veering under the branches of Forbidden Forest.
“Next treat is on me. I’m smuggling you into Gryffindor tower. “ James said, debating in his mind what was better, bringing him under the cloak or out in the open. Sirius’ hand tensed slightly on his shoulder.
“You think our friends will appreciate that?” It sounded nonchalant enough that James could tell – right now Sirius wasn’t bothered to care, just wanted James to be ready for their displeasure.
James laughed, the first brazen thought was that Sirius meant the shared dormitory. And then he remembered birthday party ending in Hogsmeade, the argument that already seemed so hazy. But he owed Sirius an explanation, he owed Remus to make him understand – and James wanted to do it, longer than he realized. Sharing all of himself with Sirius was the highest, truest joy in his world.
“Remus would be definitely more happy if I bring you inside the castle than outside with us on full moon.” James grinned at Sirius’ amused brow rise. “Remember, there’s this one secret you haven’t figure out?”
“Is there, now?” Sirius’ smile was still giddy when he swayed closer, bringing a hand to James’ neck to brush – just the fingertips, gentle over a raw love-bite he left almost under the robe collar. James reveled in his shiver – and in the observation that Sirius barely heard him at all.
“I’ll keep yours if you keep mine.”
Sirius shook his head, huffing. “Didn’t you hear the rumors? They’d quarter me if you give up the school location.” With bright grin he nodded back at the direction ship was anchored.
“They’d send me to Azkaban if you give up this.” James answered almost in tone. Sirius’ picked up the honesty, frowning, his face more attentive. James nodded over a smile and stepped a little back.
I’m opening myself to the life’s worth of deer puns, James thought and honest to Merlin giggled as he reached to the part of his mind where Prongs was hidden - and let him go.
The familiar rush of Animagi transformation took his breath, magic sweeping through his body and changing it. Raising antlered head higher, he wished Prongs could smile now, but it didn’t matter, really, when he still could take in Sirius like he was now - dazed and awestruck in first pre-morning light.