Did you ever love me?
It was surreal, something that should be in a dream or a book, but not his life. All night he had locked himself in the prefect bathroom, sobbing, wishing to wake up in the hospital wing. Having Madame Pomfrey hover over him all worried, maybe he had suffered a concussion? About halfway throught he night his sadness and desperation switched into betrayal and anger.
He despised Sirius, he hated him. All the feelings he had told himself before that he had were gone and he was convinced that he had lied to himself. There was nothing to like, much less to love about Sirius. He as arrogant and selfish, only ever acted for his own gain, not considering the feelings of anyone around him.
Sirius Black was incapable of love. The more Remus thought about it, the more it became apparent to him that Sirius Black was not too much unlike his mother. Perhaps he had never feared her, but feared himself. Sirius Black had seen himself and was scared of his potential.
With a dark chuckle, Remus heaved himself up on his cane as the first sign of sunrise showed itself through the window. If he went down to the Great Hall now, there was a very real chance that he could evade Sirius and possibly even Peter who he knew got up at ungodly times in the morning.
His plan had seemed to work out, since when he came into the Hall, barely anyone was present. No teachers had yet sat down and there was no trace of any Gryffindors at their table. Emmeline Vance raised her hand swiftly as Remus walked by and he didn't have the mind to find it weird at all.
Instead, he sat at the furtherst part of the Gryffindor table in the hopes that no one would find him there and even dare to speak to him.
His hopes were crushed when Lilly's worried voice rang in his ears only minutes after he had set down.
"Remus! I overheard Peter telling Marlene what happened, they are all worried sick about you! Sirius has not left his room since they got back, he feels terrible"
"Good" Remus replied coldly, not looking up from his plate. His head was threatening to explode any second and having to think about Sirius Black just made it worse. Lilly was noticeably taken aback by his response and fumbling for words, but he cut her off.
"Just leave, okay?"
He could have said more, could have explained that he had gotten no sleep all night or that he was on the verge of lashing out and that he did not want this to happen, after all it wasn't Lily's fault, but he didn't. Instead, he finally looked up and glared at her with such death eyes that Lily could not help but instinctively take a few steps back. For a second, she opened her mouth and tried to say something, but she obviously decided against that and just left.
As soon as she was out of Remus' line of sight, a terrible feeling of regret crept up on him. Lilly was the last person that deserved to be treated badly. She wasn't even involved in any of it and she perhaps was the only friend he had that simply liked him because of himself. She had gotten up this early just to check up on him and he had been nothing but cold. The least she would have deserved was an explanation, wasn't it?
Yet somehow, when she had mentioned Sirius Black, Remus hadn't been able to do anything against the boiling feeling in his chest.
It was still more than an hour to class and Remus decided to take a walk to clear his head. The more he thought about it, the more he considered today to be the first day where he would perhaps pull the full moon card to get out of class for a day.
He didn't trust himself to not punch Sirius Black as soon as he saw him later that day and no matter the satisfaction that would give Remus, simultaneously it felt an awful lot like letting him win.
So Remus made his way down to the lake and just sat down on the still rather cold ground, staring into the water as if it held all the answers he needed, for questions that he did not even knew he had.
It was impossible to tell how much time had passed, but Remus was torn out of his trance by footsteps and someone calling his name. As he looked up, realization dawned upon him and he looked straight into the eyes of none other than James. He was obviously relieved once he saw that Remus was responding and seemingly alright.
"Mate, what were you doing out here? I didn't see you in potions earlier and Evans said you were acting out of it."
Remus took a deep breath. James was alright, James was safe. He wasn't the one that Remus was angry at. On the contrary, James probably deserved Remus' gratitude for saving Snape.
Remus almost laughed out loud at the irony of that statement. Never would he have expected James to do something for Snape, but apparently Sirius had caused them all to do things they hadn't thought to do before.
"Look, I am not asking you to listen to Sirius or even get close to him, but just come inside so I know you are not freezing to death out here, alright?"
Remus considered it. James just wanted the best for him, he knew that. And there probably was no good in fighting him, either.
The warmth of the castle welcomed Remus like a blanket after a long day and he almost relaxed when he suddenly saw another person out of the corner of his eye. It was painfully obvious who it was and had James not been there, Remus would have gone feral.
"Moony, I am so SO sorry I never meant for anything like that to happen it was meant to be a prank like any we did before I really-"
"Save your words" Remus snarled and yet, Sirius Black would not shut up.
Remus snapped.
He slapped Sirius Black. Hard.
In an instant, the air was pressed out of his lungs by a punch to his ribs.
Beneath his knuckles, he felt bones crack and Sirius fell, holding his jaw, staring up at Remus with genuine fear.
Remus could only see the eyes of the boy that had hurt him.
He deserved to be hurt as well.
He was seconds away from knocking him out, when another voice cut in, one that Remus had only heard once or twice before and it certainly sounded different now.
"Let me review this; you almost killed a student, you betrayed your lover, the entire school knows his secret and you think you can all make it right because you believe you are still in the right?"
Sirius scrambled to his feet in the one moment that Remus was startled
"You stay out of it Reg, you don't know anything about-"
"I know enough to understand this. You have never cared about anyone, brother" Regulus spat the word at Sirius as if it was an insult "The only time you seem to care is when it is for your good. Lupin, come with us. This is no company I would wish upon anyone"
He never questioned why it was so simple for Regulus to guide him out of the enterance hall and down to the dungeons. He felt as if his entire brain was fogged up from the events of that night and the fact that he had effectively not gotten any sleep for two nights in a row. He just wanted to rest, to feel safe enough somewhere, but in his mind, everything was a threat.
In that haze, he just barely made out the people he was surrounded by.
Evan Rosier.
Barty Crouch.
Dorcas Meadowes.
And of course, Regulus Black. The brother of the person he so greatly despised.
Remus sank down against a wall and the quartet stopped, looking at him as his cane fell to the ground and he sat there, shaking like a leaf in the wind.
Dorcas was the first to kneel down next to him, taking his hands into hers, inspecting them.
Remus hadn't even noticed how his knuckles had split open, but now that he saw it, the pain seemed almost too intense.
He would later deny that he had ever made a noise, but he whimpered as Dorcas pulled out her wand to heal his wounds.
"How is it that guys always get into physical fights over everything, even the smart ones?" she asked no one in particular. Her voice was smooth as silk and calming, almost like a melody as she spoke. Her voice calmed Remus down without having him fully understand her words.
He felt horrible. Every muscle in his body had tensed up, his mind was screaming at him and he couldn't discern the cause. His breath was fast and shallow. Had he gotten a badly broken rib? Had Dorcas perhaps even killed him? It felt like what Remus imagined dying to feel like. At least death would stop him from having to live with the pain of betrayal.
The more he focused on it, the worse it got, but he also couldn't not think about it. Dorcas' voice did not even register in his brain, all her attempts at calming him down futile. It could have been seconds or even hours until Remus found an anchor in reality again. It was another voice from across him, about a meter away, keeping distance but also being there.
"- dans un bois elle rencontra compère le loup, qui eut bien envie de la manger ; mais il n'osa, à cause de quelques bûcherons qui étaient dans la forêt. Il lui demanda où elle allait ; la pauvre enfant, qui ne savait pas qu'il est dangereux de s'arrêter à écouter un loup, lui dit : « Je vais voir ma mère-grand, et lui porter une galette avec un petit pot de beurre que ma mère lui envoie. »"
Remus blinked a couple times, looking at Reguls with confusion, not comprehending why he couldn't understand a word the boy in front of him was saying, until it dawned on him just second later.
Sirius hated French. It reminded it too much of his mother. He rather avoided it, something Remus had always pittied, he loved the language. It sounded so soft and lovely and it somehow calmed him. Perhaps it was because he did not have to focus on the words and could just enjoy the sounds.
How Regulus knew that was a riddle to him, but in the moment he did not question it.
"Welcome back to the land of the living" the younger Black brother scrambled to his feet and Rosier handed Remus his cane.
"Let's get you out of here, Barty is freezing his ass off" he laughed, which was requited with an offended noise from Crouch.
"Screw off, you're just scared because you'll loose your perfect student reputation if a teacher sees you here"
They continued arguing, but Dorcas carefully, put her hand on Remus' arm and showed him the way to the Slytherin common room. He was still shaking and not entirely clear, but capable of moving enough for Regulus to show him the dorm room he shared with Rosier and Crouch.
"You can lay down in the empty bed over there. No one lives in that part of the dorm anyways" Regulus said as he sat down on -pressueably - his own bed.
Remus stared at him in confusion "I- need to get to my lessons? Also I have my own bed!"
"Lay down and get rest, you got exhaustion written all over you" Regulus' voice was stern and the tone of his voice took Remus by surprise. He sat down on the bed, his cane resting against the leg of the bed.
The covers were emerald green and made of silk. The fact that the bed was unused was probably the reason for it being so soft still.
Carefully, Remus took of his shoes before sinking down into the matress.
The thoughts were spinning in his head, he could not grasp onto one of them for long enough to think it and surprisingly enough, exhaustion took over rather quickly. He could hear Rosier and Crouch enter the room, still arguing and apparently they saw Remus, because they suddenly had shut up. Once it had gotten quiet, Remus slipped away...