Sirius paced around the dorm, hands tangling together. He tried to count his steps, to not think about Remus, Remus and his boyfriend, fucking Chad. Stupid name. Chad. No; no we're counting our steps. 234, 235, 236, 237… James coughed, but Sirius didn't pay much attention to him. 248, 249, 250, 251…
"Sirius?"
265, 266-
"Sirius!" He looked up. "Sirius, you need to calm down. I'm worried about him too, but this isn't good for you. Sit down, stop pulling out your hair, and breathe."
Had he been pulling his hair out? Hm, he had. He lowered his hands but kept pacing, unable to even think about sitting still. How could he? How could he when Remus could be-
No, he can't think that. If he thinks it, it'll be real- well, more real than it already was. Which is too real.
At first when Remus started to come back to the dorms with bruises, he said he was having trouble with Slytherins, it was fine, don't worry about it. And they had believed it. But then it had kept up; Remus never let anyone do that crap to him for so long without saying anything to them. He didn't even complain about it. He just went with it. And then he had introduced them all to Chad, which, you know. It sucked for Sirius, but he was glad Remus seemed to be happy. Sirius thought he saw something weird between them, but he wrote it off as a product of his jealousy. Then it got worse. Remus would come back with a black eye too often for comfort, and cuts and such. And he started flinching. Anytime any of them moved too quickly, or in his direction. Anytime Sirius's face changed abruptly, or if he moved to touch him. And that killed him. It reminded him too much of how he had been when he first came to Hogwarts, constantly in fear of being hurt by anyone and everyone. And that had been how he figured it out. Once those dots were connected, Sirius had confronted him. He hadn't told the others, he didn't want to do that without Remus's permission. But he had gone to him at night, after everyone else was asleep, and asked if Chad was hitting him. At first, he denied it, but Sirius persisted, and eventually, Remus said, "so maybe he gets a little physical sometimes; we've had fights before, right? It's nothing, just leave it alone." After that, he had turned the other way and refused to answer any more questions. Before he left, Sirius had said, "We've fought. But I'd never lay a finger on you. You know that."
Afterwards, they were a bit more distant. Sirius tried again to convince him to leave Chad, to stand up to him, something, but to no avail. Eventually, he had told James in desperation, thinking maybe he could talk some sense into Remus, but so far James hadn't said much. And now it was one in the morning and Remus wasn't back yet.
Saturday's dawn found Sirius right where Friday's moon had left him- still pacing. Still worrying. He was just making up his mind to go out and find him when the door slowly creaked open.
"Remus!" Sirius jerked forward to meet him, to be sure he was really there and whole, and Remus involuntarily took a few steps back.
"Sirius. Why are you up so early?" He asked, not meeting his eyes.
"Why am I up so early? Because I didn't sleep, you sodding twat!" Sirius let the anger out, he had to be angry or he would cry- and he couldn't cry about this. Not in front of Remus.
"Well that's not my fault! I didn't ask you to stay up all night doing whatever it is you were up to!" Remus countered.
"I was worrying about you!"
"Well you don't have to, okay? That's not your job or anything, is it? You're not my da', not my brother, not my boyfriend- you don't have to worry about me! I never asked you to, so don't yell at me about it!"
With that, Remus stalked off to his bed. Sirius stood there for a moment, stung. In a desperate attempt to retaliate, Sirius said, "I don't need to worry about you because I'm not your boyfriend, hm? Doesn't seem to me he worries about you all too much either."
Saturday passed without a word spoken between Remus and Sirius, and Sunday and Monday too. Sirius had regretted the whole fight as soon as it had happened, but his pride wouldn't let him acknowledge that he was wrong. In fact, that didn't happen until the next Thursday. Remus wasn't coming back again. Sirius hadn't been freaking out as visibly for the first few hours, due to the fight- he didn't want Remus to see his worry when he returned. But he didn't return. And didn't. And didn't. After twelve hours Sirius took the cloak and set out to find him. Peter had lost the map, which was extremely unhelpful, but he was going to find him nonetheless. Eventually, he found Chad. Alone. Sirius called after him and he turned around. As soon as he saw Sirius he sighed. "What do you want, Black? Here to yell at me 'cause Remus got back late? It's not my fault he'd rather spend the night in my bed-"
Sirius shoved against the wall. "He didn't get back late," he snarled. "He didn't get back at all. Where. Is. He?"
Chad's expression didn't change from its look of boredom, except perhaps to let through a tinge of amusement. "Hell if I know. Let me down, Black, I've got classes to get to." Sirius drew his arm back to punch him, furious, when McGonagall's voice stopped him.
"Mr. Black. Come with me please."
If she had sounded angry, or upset, or something like that it wouldn't have stopped him. He would've beat the other boy into the ground. But no, she sounded worried and sad and a little scared even, and that meant she was not here to yell at him about his behavior. It could only mean that she knew where Remus was, and that it wasn't good. Suddenly even more scared than he had been, he let Chad drop to the ground. He followed McGonagall numbly through the hallways, all the way to the hospital wing. His stomach dropped lower. With a glance at Sirius, she opened the door.
•••
Sirius was sitting next to Remus's bed- had been for close on half an hour. His injuries could have been worse according to Madame Pomfrey, and Sirius was thankful for that. The only reason he was still here, in fact, was for monitoring purposes. On the other hand, he would've much preferred no injuries at all. He was so beautiful in his sleep, so young and innocent. Sirius knew that that was partially an illusion, he knew what Remus had been through in his life, but that didn’t show; right now Remus looked as if he was sleeping without a single weight on his shoulders, and Sirius loved it. He looked like he could wake up and smile the whole day through just for the hell of it.
As if sensing the thought, Remus’ eyes fluttered open, and a small smile did cross his face. Sirius was ready to throw himself on him when that smile faded.
“What are you doing here Sirius?” Remus didn’t sound mad, just exasperated, but that perhaps hurt worse than the alternative. Wrapped up in himself, Sirius just told the truth. “I can’t bear to be away from you, Rem. Especially when you’re hurt like this.”
Remus shook his head. “I’m fine. I feel fine. You don’t see James or Peter hovering over me like I’m on my deathbed, do you?” Now a tinge of anger had crept into his voice.
“I just-”
“No, Sirius! ‘You just’ nothing! I don’t know why you feel like you need to be up in all of my business constantly! You either think I’m incapable or, or- I don’t know what! But this is my life, these are my issues, and I don’t know why you care so much! You have no reason to!”
Sirius, on the verge of tears, spoke in a low voice. “You don’t know why? Do you want to? Because I’ll tell you Remus. Have you ever thought, just for a second, that seeing you like this hurts me? So bad. Have you ever thought that watching you come back every night with new horrors written on your face makes me want to scream?” Remus tried to interrupt, but Sirius stopped him. “No, no I need to finish this. Have you ever stopped to think that seeing you in a relationship that hurts you like this- physically and emotionally- pains me so much because I’m in love with you? Because that’s why Remus. Seeing this hurt in your eyes pains me so much because I’m in love with you, and the person who’s pretending to feel that way now is doing a pretty shitty job. You deserve so much more. And I’m not saying this because I think I deserve you, or you even would want me, I’m just trying to explain how I know what loving you is like, and how I know it’s not that. It is your life, Rem. And I’m not trying to say that you’re doing it wrong, I just can’t see you keep getting hurt like this. Please. Is he really worth your pain? I came to find you earlier Remus and he laughed. He fucking laughed when I said you never came back. He doesn’t really care, and you’re worth too much to not be cared about.” Remus’ eyes were wide with shock, but luckily the anger was gone from them. Tears running down his face, Sirius brushed his fingers along Remus’ face. “I’m sorry Rem. I’ll.. I’ll leave you to think about things. And if you need someone else to deal with chad, I’m here. I know that’s not an easy thing to do.” The hospital wing was quiet as Sirius turned and walked towards the doors. When he reached them, he heard Remus ask, “do you really mean it? You really.. feel like that?” Sirius looked over his shoulder and gave Remus a small, sad smile. “I always have.”
The ceiling of his bed was dark, with carved stars bewitched to move as they would across the sky. That was something he and James had done in third year, because Sirius had missed sleeping under them. As a child, when he would have a particularly nasty night at Grimmauld Place, which was often, he would sneak out of his window to the roof and sleep there. Often, he would find himself in the heavens and tell himself that as long as he could see Sirius in the sky, Sirius on the earth would be ok. Now, no longer six years old but feeling that small, Sirius found himself on the ceiling. The covers were crumpled around him, warm but not as comforting as they should be. It was in this cocoon that Remus found him. Without a word, he got under the blankets too, wrapping his arms around Sirius and tucking his head under the shorter boy's chin. Before Sirius could think of something to say, Remus began to cry, and then Sirius knew that there were no words necessary. Just companionship and silence. An hour and a lifetime passed before either of them spoke.
“He was sweet, at first. Attentive. Thoughtful. And I thought ‘damn, I’ve found a good one’. And then he started to.. get worse, but I thought it was just a phase, it was fine, it would pass. I’d dealt with worse anyway. But it didn’t, and eventually I stopped kidding myself. But I thought.. I thought that this was what I got, and if I wanted anything at all then this is what it would be; if not Chad then someone just like him. And I couldn’t go back to not having anything. I couldn’t go back to cold nights with a hollow chest and too much crying and feeling like nothing would ever be enough for anyone.. At least with Chad I could pretend that there was something for me. And I figured that it didn’t matter if I really loved him or not, because I’d never have someone I love, because you can’t love two people. Not like that.” Remus brought his head up to look into Sirius’ eyes. “And my God, Sirius. I’ve only ever loved you.”
It only took a moment for Sirius’s surprise to evaporate; they were meant for each other. Slowly, he raised a hand to brush along Remus's jaw, and then to hold his face. “And I you,” he whispered, before closing the distance between them. The kiss was soft, but still somehow desperate- the kiss of two boys with both a lifetime and only a day ahead of them. And Sirius thought that if that was what they could have- forever or an hour- he’d take either. For Remus, he’d take anything.